Most days, it just seems like theres just too much. I look at the kitchen, the laundry, the house - and I just, cant cope. Somewhere in my mind I curl into a little ball and cry. Its not that I cant do it. Its not that I dont want to do it. Im both capable and willing... its just that its too much. The sight of it, never ending, ever defeating.
It just seems impossible.
And yet, Im not one to just curl in a ball and sit. Physically, I cant do it. My hips and legs start to hurt and I have to move, do things. And I despise mess, untidyness. It has to be fixed, cleaned, neatened up. Shiny.
But the days all start the same, with me sitting here, cowering in some kind of torpor, not crying, but wishing I could.
The pain doesnt help. And on the rare days there is no pain, the fear of it is even worse. Knowing its lurking there, somewhere in my head. Its intolerable, never knowing where its going to surface. Will it be the fist pressing on the back bottom of my skull? Will it be the sharp jab above my right eye, or the drill pressing into the side of my left eye? The unbearable weight on the top of my head is always the last to come, right after the one behind my right jaw. I dont fear those two - they are my signal, Hamlet like - "Get thee to a hospital".
SO I look around me each day, and go through the motions, quietly noting every slight throb (this morning, its the left temple) Every vision issue that might be related. (today its the right eye, and the blind spot is to the right of center) I dont cry, because it scares the kids, and I put off doing the housework untill I cant stand it anymore.
But then there are days, like today, that I have to go grocery shopping too. It means dealing with other people. People who dont understand that Im in pain, that Im scared. People who look at me and judge me, even if its just for a split second. The kids make it worse - they attract the attention that I could avoid otherwise.
I cant keep up the facade I used to - the one that made me stand out just enough to fade into the background so very quickly. Like a piece of furniture just slightly out of place. Too old and too tired to fade off the radar. It was Clayton who reminded me - they dont expect the rude, the curtness, from someone who just looks like another soccer mom. I have to dress the part, look the part, then Im just a bitch and they expect it.
Of course, in reality, Im no more a bitch then they are. In fact - the real of it is, that Im much less then they are. Theres no intent behind it, its just the way the tone carries, the speech patterns that I have no control over. Its just the truth.
Except when Im lying of course. I still do that. Its like a flip switch in my brain that I have absolutely no control over. My mouth just starts running and I seem to phase out around it. Exaggerating and enhancing the reality around me to epic proportions. It just - happens. I dont mean anything by it, and the truth is always there. Just not always where you expect it. Yes, Eva cut her hair, yes, I had to hack of 6 inches or more to even it out, - but I didnt cry. I said I did, but I didnt. I *wanted* to... it did hurt me to do it. But I just - couldnt.
I just say that I did, because thats whats supposed to happen. Thats the normal - and Im not it.
I used to lie, I think, to get the attention, for people to find me interesting, no it just happens when I want to appear normal.
Its easier then telling the truth and letting them see just how strange I am.
Its the housecleaning though, that defeats me every single day.
Dishes, laundry, bathrooms, bedrooms, floors, kitty litter.
It doesnt sound like much... Most days, Im pretty sure that it *isnt* much. But it always looks like so much, and weighs on me. it scares me. Theres just too much. Just wiping down the counters, is too much. Putting away the laundry is impossible. Days like today, even reading a book, doing embroidery - too much...
Its not depression. It really isnt. At this point, the only reason why I take anti-depressents is because if I try to stop, Ill get sick - even dropping the dosage makes me shake and nauseous. I end up laying on the couch, even more miserable then I am when the head hurts, and if the head starts to hurt with it, its a recipe for true disaster.
Its so hard to understand, to explain. I suppose some of it is that I simply dont *like* the condo. No matter how much we do to make it ours, it just - doesnt fit our personality. *laughs* Maybe Im just at war with our house. I *liked* cleaning the apartment. In fact, I loved that old apartment - even though *it* had a serious negative spiritual issue, and this place has none.
Either way, Im kinda screwed. Im tired, and hurting, and feel like nothing I do is *enough*. Theres too much, every day, and I just want to - well, honestly, I dont know *what* I want... well no, thats not true either. I want to see it how I see it in my head. Clean and shiny. pretty.
Between the kids and the cats - pretty is *very* out of reach. Ive had so many candle holders and pretties break since getting the kittens I dont even bother trying anymore. I dont want any more of my favorites to get broken.
Yes, thats probably the real issue here. It doesnt matter how much I clean, or how hard I work. It just - isnt what I want.
Maybe I should just get rid of the cats. At least the kids can be taught.
And we all know Im not getting rid of Gandalf, soooooooo
At least Ive identified the problem, or part of it...
Now,to figure out if Im going shopping, or doing housework first.
blech.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Another year, almost gone...
Im not sure what to say about this year. It came, it went, and I think I only have one conclusion.
Its all too much.
There is too much information, too many interesting things, and too many time wasters.
There is too much danger, too many warning signs and too much ugliness.
My world, is admittedly small, and grandiose at the same time.
I have my husband, my kids, my cats.
Ive learned a great deal about myself, I suppose enough now, to know that I dont trust myself much. Its not that Im not trust worthy - Its that my own heart, my own soul, is too
Well, I dont know.
I must have rules, and order. I must have routine and stability.
Without those, I dont function well at all.
Cut loose from these things, I drift, terribly. Maybe not so that it would concern anybody else, but for me, little things can be epic.
My days are now defined by words that I almost take as comfort - autistic, aspergers, epileptic.
They have made a great deal of sense out of a mostly chaotic, and confusing past.
But where do I go from here?
The World, is changing at a pace that I cant fathom - moving from darkness into darkness. Its ..a comfort, I suppose, to bury my head against it. SOmetimes, I think I see too much. Other times, I know it. Occasionally, I think I dont know anything.
Looking at the future terrifies me.
Yes, I *am* still "fatally optimistic". I still Believe. I see the End that was Written coming to bear around me every single day. Thats what has me terrified. How do you plan for tomorrow, even the next hour, when in that hour, the world could come crashing down?
If I look outward, Im paralyzed by fear.
If I try to manage my home - its no better. I am "disabled". My Children, are "disabled". Nothing will ever be easy for us, or "normal" for us. My day to day functioning is little better then capped chaos. I lean hard on my husband. Harder then I should, and harder then any man has an ability to bear. He cleans up my messes. Mentally, physically, He sets things right, time after time after time. Its really not fair.
My inner world, is really no better. Anxiety attacks, and dawning realizations. I hide in fictional worlds because I can *cope* there. Its easier when Im pulling the strings.
But let me be honest - even as "lost" as I feel at this moment, I still stand by my old rule "When you dont know where you are going, you are usually right where God needs you to be."
But at the moment, that simply has me going "Yeah, but *so*what*?"
OK, Im called to love people, and I do. I love my friends, my family, my children. But am I really doing them any good through all of that?
Im called to Worship God - I do. And even as I struggle with things, Im grateful for what Hes shown me this year. How many of my attitudes and outlooks have been changed and corrected.
Ironically, Im more convinced through all of this that I can never go back to Church. There isnt a single one that I would feel at home in anymore. Not one of them has a theology that I can support. Not one of them, as a whole, has any real help for me.
Just the fact that many would believe that autism, aspergers, is somekind of satanic curse, right from the start, separates me from from them on a massive scale.
I rather, do firmly believe its a gift.
Now, add in my "political" beliefs. I dont believe in owning property. And as much as my time is wasted in "vain pursuits" - Any kind of real immersion in a church society would have me giving away my movies, my books, my belongings, en masse. Never mind the *house* which - yes, Im thankful God provided a home for me - a home that we could afford in this economy. Im thankful every day for a roof over our heads. But if a viable, rentable option came up, (viable, here meaning affordable, redecoratable, and with enough room) Id jump at it.
Nor do I beleive in voting, or having *anything* to do with world politics at all.
And right there, Ive alienated pretty much everybody.
Add to that my sincerity about the need to love - and to *show* love, to everybody.
I dont care if they mock me, cut me off, bud in line, steal from me, or swear at me.
I dont care about their race, religion, or sexual preference.
I dont care if they are dressed in rags, or fashion. If they are rich or poor.
I believe its my job to show love and kindness to them.
I dont want to hear gossip, and I dont want to speak ill of anyone.
And there goes almost every relationship I could ever have with another female, right out the door.
And for the grand finale, let it be known that I am ferocious when it comes to historical accuracy, that I despise the hoax of Christmas, and Easter, possibly more then anything else, believe that anything that the Catholic Church ever instituted is proof of its insane pagan roots, That Jesus was Jewish and if we *really* wanted to follow Him, then we too, would be.
Yeah, Id fit in *really* well at the local Baptist/Pentecostal/Methodist meeting, wouldnt I?
*sighs*
I guess Im angry. Theres still alot of anger in me at God, *shrugs* if it has to be directed anywhere. And really, I have no one but myself to blame. I do keep asking for "more" - More of His knowledge, more of His spirit...
>>Tangent time<<
Seven sins - sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, pride, (hey look, I could name 5 before I had to look up the last two) greed and wrath.
These are *roots* of evil.
Eight virtues - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control
These are *fruits*
If the root is evil, you arent going to get any good fruit. Its pretty basic. I know what "fruits" I have trouble producing. So, my "roots" are pretty obvious. remember those stupid word matching games as kids - where you draw the line to and from?
sloth-------kindness
Envy-------joy
lust--------- faithfulness
gluttony ----self control
pride--------peace
greed------patience
wrath ------gentleness
Yes, I left off love...if you wonder why, then you really arent thinking, so lets drop that topic right now.
and yes, wrath, anger, is my big one. Gluttony scores for me too. Occasionally sloth and greed. But mostly, its just wrath. I lack gentleness. Big Time.
What about you? Where are your roots hidden away, slowly producing fruit that will kill you? What fruit *do* you have?
>>End Tangent<<
So yes, I want more. I want to get rid of everything in me that is not of Him.
Of course, my own lesson learned over and over and over here - that doesnt make life any *easier*. In fact, more of God usually makes life *harder*.
And now its time for "famous movie examples" - Got your popcorn, this ones fun.
Lets look at Faramir, in Two Towers, Return of the King.
Faramirs told by his father, to go out and prove his quality.
His father doesnt like him much.
While out trying not to die, he runs across *exactly* what his father wants, more then anything else.
The punchline, of course, its that its the hobbit gardener, that tells him "Youve proven your quality, sir, the very highest" when Faramir *doesnt* take the ring of power, but instead sends the two rather helpless, and very hopeless hobbits off to certian doom, rather then bring back the gift that would lift him up in his Fathers eyes.
But Faramir sees the truth of it, and retorts with "Where you come from, master hobbit, gardeners must be held in the highest honor"
Taking the "right" path - hurts.
Faramirs father sends him to his own certain demise, when he finds out about this. Ok, so Denethors insane, but the point is well
Wanting the right thing, - isnt just hard. Its foolish, its insane, its standing in the path of every body "logical" around you and smiling as they cut you to ribbons.
Its listening to the gardener, when the king hates you.
Its fighting to love people who dont like you, dont want you, or think *you're* insane.
*sighs*
these are my thoughts for the day, and they suck.
SO be it.
Its all too much.
There is too much information, too many interesting things, and too many time wasters.
There is too much danger, too many warning signs and too much ugliness.
My world, is admittedly small, and grandiose at the same time.
I have my husband, my kids, my cats.
Ive learned a great deal about myself, I suppose enough now, to know that I dont trust myself much. Its not that Im not trust worthy - Its that my own heart, my own soul, is too
Well, I dont know.
I must have rules, and order. I must have routine and stability.
Without those, I dont function well at all.
Cut loose from these things, I drift, terribly. Maybe not so that it would concern anybody else, but for me, little things can be epic.
My days are now defined by words that I almost take as comfort - autistic, aspergers, epileptic.
They have made a great deal of sense out of a mostly chaotic, and confusing past.
But where do I go from here?
The World, is changing at a pace that I cant fathom - moving from darkness into darkness. Its ..a comfort, I suppose, to bury my head against it. SOmetimes, I think I see too much. Other times, I know it. Occasionally, I think I dont know anything.
Looking at the future terrifies me.
Yes, I *am* still "fatally optimistic". I still Believe. I see the End that was Written coming to bear around me every single day. Thats what has me terrified. How do you plan for tomorrow, even the next hour, when in that hour, the world could come crashing down?
If I look outward, Im paralyzed by fear.
If I try to manage my home - its no better. I am "disabled". My Children, are "disabled". Nothing will ever be easy for us, or "normal" for us. My day to day functioning is little better then capped chaos. I lean hard on my husband. Harder then I should, and harder then any man has an ability to bear. He cleans up my messes. Mentally, physically, He sets things right, time after time after time. Its really not fair.
My inner world, is really no better. Anxiety attacks, and dawning realizations. I hide in fictional worlds because I can *cope* there. Its easier when Im pulling the strings.
But let me be honest - even as "lost" as I feel at this moment, I still stand by my old rule "When you dont know where you are going, you are usually right where God needs you to be."
But at the moment, that simply has me going "Yeah, but *so*what*?"
OK, Im called to love people, and I do. I love my friends, my family, my children. But am I really doing them any good through all of that?
Im called to Worship God - I do. And even as I struggle with things, Im grateful for what Hes shown me this year. How many of my attitudes and outlooks have been changed and corrected.
Ironically, Im more convinced through all of this that I can never go back to Church. There isnt a single one that I would feel at home in anymore. Not one of them has a theology that I can support. Not one of them, as a whole, has any real help for me.
Just the fact that many would believe that autism, aspergers, is somekind of satanic curse, right from the start, separates me from from them on a massive scale.
I rather, do firmly believe its a gift.
Now, add in my "political" beliefs. I dont believe in owning property. And as much as my time is wasted in "vain pursuits" - Any kind of real immersion in a church society would have me giving away my movies, my books, my belongings, en masse. Never mind the *house* which - yes, Im thankful God provided a home for me - a home that we could afford in this economy. Im thankful every day for a roof over our heads. But if a viable, rentable option came up, (viable, here meaning affordable, redecoratable, and with enough room) Id jump at it.
Nor do I beleive in voting, or having *anything* to do with world politics at all.
And right there, Ive alienated pretty much everybody.
Add to that my sincerity about the need to love - and to *show* love, to everybody.
I dont care if they mock me, cut me off, bud in line, steal from me, or swear at me.
I dont care about their race, religion, or sexual preference.
I dont care if they are dressed in rags, or fashion. If they are rich or poor.
I believe its my job to show love and kindness to them.
I dont want to hear gossip, and I dont want to speak ill of anyone.
And there goes almost every relationship I could ever have with another female, right out the door.
And for the grand finale, let it be known that I am ferocious when it comes to historical accuracy, that I despise the hoax of Christmas, and Easter, possibly more then anything else, believe that anything that the Catholic Church ever instituted is proof of its insane pagan roots, That Jesus was Jewish and if we *really* wanted to follow Him, then we too, would be.
Yeah, Id fit in *really* well at the local Baptist/Pentecostal/Methodist meeting, wouldnt I?
*sighs*
I guess Im angry. Theres still alot of anger in me at God, *shrugs* if it has to be directed anywhere. And really, I have no one but myself to blame. I do keep asking for "more" - More of His knowledge, more of His spirit...
>>Tangent time<<
Seven sins - sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, pride, (hey look, I could name 5 before I had to look up the last two) greed and wrath.
These are *roots* of evil.
Eight virtues - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control
These are *fruits*
If the root is evil, you arent going to get any good fruit. Its pretty basic. I know what "fruits" I have trouble producing. So, my "roots" are pretty obvious. remember those stupid word matching games as kids - where you draw the line to and from?
sloth-------kindness
Envy-------joy
lust--------- faithfulness
gluttony ----self control
pride--------peace
greed------patience
wrath ------gentleness
Yes, I left off love...if you wonder why, then you really arent thinking, so lets drop that topic right now.
and yes, wrath, anger, is my big one. Gluttony scores for me too. Occasionally sloth and greed. But mostly, its just wrath. I lack gentleness. Big Time.
What about you? Where are your roots hidden away, slowly producing fruit that will kill you? What fruit *do* you have?
>>End Tangent<<
So yes, I want more. I want to get rid of everything in me that is not of Him.
Of course, my own lesson learned over and over and over here - that doesnt make life any *easier*. In fact, more of God usually makes life *harder*.
And now its time for "famous movie examples" - Got your popcorn, this ones fun.
Lets look at Faramir, in Two Towers, Return of the King.
Faramirs told by his father, to go out and prove his quality.
His father doesnt like him much.
While out trying not to die, he runs across *exactly* what his father wants, more then anything else.
The punchline, of course, its that its the hobbit gardener, that tells him "Youve proven your quality, sir, the very highest" when Faramir *doesnt* take the ring of power, but instead sends the two rather helpless, and very hopeless hobbits off to certian doom, rather then bring back the gift that would lift him up in his Fathers eyes.
But Faramir sees the truth of it, and retorts with "Where you come from, master hobbit, gardeners must be held in the highest honor"
Taking the "right" path - hurts.
Faramirs father sends him to his own certain demise, when he finds out about this. Ok, so Denethors insane, but the point is well
Wanting the right thing, - isnt just hard. Its foolish, its insane, its standing in the path of every body "logical" around you and smiling as they cut you to ribbons.
Its listening to the gardener, when the king hates you.
Its fighting to love people who dont like you, dont want you, or think *you're* insane.
*sighs*
these are my thoughts for the day, and they suck.
SO be it.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
*sighs*
Angry, depressed.
I hate this world, and I want to go Home.
Im not suicidal. Its not that kind of depression.
Im just - angry.
Mostly at people. Its been growing on me since my last trip to the Rockies, where what I saw made me so angry, so sick to my stomach, that I think it may be what ruined my vacation. Its not at all like it was, even five years ago.
There is now fence up, all along the borders of the road. I understand why... its to protect the animals from the Stupid. But the fact that it has to be done. The fact that we are now caging the animals from - or into - ever smaller pieces of natural habitat...
My children, will never know what it was like to turn a corner, and see a whole herd of majestic big horned sheep on the road. They will never see bears, or moose, or wolves, wondering along the sides of the road, as I have done. And those animals, have had thier migritory patterns changed. Theyve had thier freedom, to an extent, taken from them on such a grand scale, that it - it *hurts*.
I want to throw up again, just thinking about it. We seem incapable of sharing the planet with them. We have this need to so completely *own* everything, that we cant even give them that tiny scrap of space unaltered.
And now, theres a huge ugly plant, right on the frontside of the Rockies. They are widening the road, and huge tracks of wild land are being torn up ,to handle the amount of people who come through there every year. Instead of keeping it small, to limit and to protect - they have gone the opposite direction, and... everytime I saw a massive machine, bent on destruction and control of what we should have never touched, I almost cried.
Im glad I slept, the entire way back... I think I would have had a full breakdown, if I had to look at all of that again.
We, as a race - *sighs*
I know we were created in the image of God. I know, that we *are*capable* of great nobility, love, patience...
But we are selfish, cruel, heartless, dominating. We are so full of hate, and fear, that we just - we seem more like demons, then angels, every single day.
And I want to go Home. Im so tired, of the ugly, the constant greed and...endless demand.
I know - I know so well, that we cannot be truely content, here. There will always be something more we want, because our souls are wired to desire Heaven and God. Only He can fill that void.
But - more sex, more things, more food, a smaller phone, ipod, a bigger home, more movies, more books, a better razor, nicer hair, a new face, new clothes - none of it will *EVER* satisfy us.
Every time I start my vehicle, I want to throw up. I know cars are necessity, but - the absolute destruction of our planet, that we have ensured in our greed and lust - and how - convinced we are that we *do* need these things... How can any of us hope to stand in the face of our creator, and even *dare* to hope - to hear "Well Done" - when we are - all of us - so miserably and entirely ... mistaken.
SO yes, I am angry, and depressed. And its - *laughs* its taking away my "Zen"
I can look at the most beautiful golden tree, the amazing indian summer skies, and all I can ask is - "How much more beautiful, will this be in Heaven"?
If this world is just a pale shadow, of what is to come, and if *there* - the hate, and the anger, and the fear, will all be gone - then thats the only place I want to be. If this earth, and everything in it, cannot satisfy, then I want to go to where I *can* be satisfied.
I dont want to watch another movie or tv show, that is filled with hate, and fear, and murder, and lust. I dont want to read another story, that is simply - a pointless exercise in intellect or - more likely, the traits Ive mentioned above, to distract me from the - mundane.
And the reason why Ive been putting this "rant" off? Is because I dont even want to write. I most certainly didnt want to write *this* - because its nothing that hasnt been done a billion times before.
Nothing I can do, on this earth, is going to satisfy the need I currently have. No one on this planet, can satisfy my needs. I seem unable to do anything but relentlessly *compare*. Which, is of course, a sin in itself. Nothing *can* compare to what I seek.
But how...How do I get the satisfaction back, in the moment to moment of life? When everything that man does, seems to just disgust me, enrage me.
And it is rage. It gives me headaches endlessly, it upsets my stomach so that I can barely eat. I see no evidence of anybody, attempting, in the least, to develop those evasive "fruits of the Spirit"
And the worst of all of this, is that I dont even know a single person who even knows how those words - all of them - are to relate to every part of their life.
I want to go Home.
I hate this world, and I want to go Home.
Im not suicidal. Its not that kind of depression.
Im just - angry.
Mostly at people. Its been growing on me since my last trip to the Rockies, where what I saw made me so angry, so sick to my stomach, that I think it may be what ruined my vacation. Its not at all like it was, even five years ago.
There is now fence up, all along the borders of the road. I understand why... its to protect the animals from the Stupid. But the fact that it has to be done. The fact that we are now caging the animals from - or into - ever smaller pieces of natural habitat...
My children, will never know what it was like to turn a corner, and see a whole herd of majestic big horned sheep on the road. They will never see bears, or moose, or wolves, wondering along the sides of the road, as I have done. And those animals, have had thier migritory patterns changed. Theyve had thier freedom, to an extent, taken from them on such a grand scale, that it - it *hurts*.
I want to throw up again, just thinking about it. We seem incapable of sharing the planet with them. We have this need to so completely *own* everything, that we cant even give them that tiny scrap of space unaltered.
And now, theres a huge ugly plant, right on the frontside of the Rockies. They are widening the road, and huge tracks of wild land are being torn up ,to handle the amount of people who come through there every year. Instead of keeping it small, to limit and to protect - they have gone the opposite direction, and... everytime I saw a massive machine, bent on destruction and control of what we should have never touched, I almost cried.
Im glad I slept, the entire way back... I think I would have had a full breakdown, if I had to look at all of that again.
We, as a race - *sighs*
I know we were created in the image of God. I know, that we *are*capable* of great nobility, love, patience...
But we are selfish, cruel, heartless, dominating. We are so full of hate, and fear, that we just - we seem more like demons, then angels, every single day.
And I want to go Home. Im so tired, of the ugly, the constant greed and...endless demand.
I know - I know so well, that we cannot be truely content, here. There will always be something more we want, because our souls are wired to desire Heaven and God. Only He can fill that void.
But - more sex, more things, more food, a smaller phone, ipod, a bigger home, more movies, more books, a better razor, nicer hair, a new face, new clothes - none of it will *EVER* satisfy us.
Every time I start my vehicle, I want to throw up. I know cars are necessity, but - the absolute destruction of our planet, that we have ensured in our greed and lust - and how - convinced we are that we *do* need these things... How can any of us hope to stand in the face of our creator, and even *dare* to hope - to hear "Well Done" - when we are - all of us - so miserably and entirely ... mistaken.
SO yes, I am angry, and depressed. And its - *laughs* its taking away my "Zen"
I can look at the most beautiful golden tree, the amazing indian summer skies, and all I can ask is - "How much more beautiful, will this be in Heaven"?
If this world is just a pale shadow, of what is to come, and if *there* - the hate, and the anger, and the fear, will all be gone - then thats the only place I want to be. If this earth, and everything in it, cannot satisfy, then I want to go to where I *can* be satisfied.
I dont want to watch another movie or tv show, that is filled with hate, and fear, and murder, and lust. I dont want to read another story, that is simply - a pointless exercise in intellect or - more likely, the traits Ive mentioned above, to distract me from the - mundane.
And the reason why Ive been putting this "rant" off? Is because I dont even want to write. I most certainly didnt want to write *this* - because its nothing that hasnt been done a billion times before.
Nothing I can do, on this earth, is going to satisfy the need I currently have. No one on this planet, can satisfy my needs. I seem unable to do anything but relentlessly *compare*. Which, is of course, a sin in itself. Nothing *can* compare to what I seek.
But how...How do I get the satisfaction back, in the moment to moment of life? When everything that man does, seems to just disgust me, enrage me.
And it is rage. It gives me headaches endlessly, it upsets my stomach so that I can barely eat. I see no evidence of anybody, attempting, in the least, to develop those evasive "fruits of the Spirit"
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.People love, only what agrees with them. Joy, is unknown, except in destruction. Peace is a by-word for beauty-queens. Forbearance, is a word thats been so twisted, that no one even understands it. The church least of all. Kindness, is weak, Goodness - is something to deride. Faithfulness is mocked as stupidity and insipidity. Gentleness is - non existent. And in a world where hedonism is promoted, self-control is mocked.
And the worst of all of this, is that I dont even know a single person who even knows how those words - all of them - are to relate to every part of their life.
I want to go Home.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Most of this, you knew was coming...
Once again, I found myself up, most of the night, in prayer.
I am wondering if this will slowly become a regular thing.
Luke 21
7They questioned Him, saying, "Teacher, when therefore will these things happen? And what will be the sign when these things are about to take place?"
8And He said, "See to it that you are not misled; for many will come in My name, saying, '(F)I am He,' and, 'The time is near ' (G)Do not go after them.
9"When you hear of wars and disturbances, do not be terrified; for these things must take place first, but the end does not follow immediately."
12"But before all these things, (H)they will lay their hands on you and will persecute you, delivering you to the synagogues and prisons, bringing you before kings and governors for My name's sake.
13"(I)It will lead to an opportunity for your testimony.
14"(J)So make up your minds not to prepare beforehand to defend yourselves;
15for (K)I will give you utterance and wisdom which none of your opponents will be able to resist or refute.
16"But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death,
17and you will be hated by all because of My name.
18"Yet (L)not a hair of your head will perish.
19"(M)By your endurance you will gain your lives.
20"But when you see Jerusalem (N)surrounded by armies, then recognize that her desolation is near.
21"Then those who are in Judea must flee to the mountains, and those who are in the midst of the city must leave, and (O)those who are in the country must not enter the city;
22because these are (P)days of vengeance, so that all things which are written will be fulfilled.
23"Woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days; for (Q)there will be great distress upon the land and wrath to this people;
24and they will fall by (R)the edge of the sword, and will be led captive into all the nations; and (S)Jerusalem will be (T)trampled under foot by the Gentiles until (U)the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled.
27"(V)Then they will see (W)THE SON OF MAN COMING IN A CLOUD with power and great glory.
28"But when these things begin to take place, straighten up and lift up your heads, because (X)your redemption is drawing near."
29Then He told them a parable: "Behold the fig tree and all the trees;
30as soon as they put forth leaves, you see it and (Y)know for yourselves that summer is now near.
31"So you also, when you see these things happening, recognize that (Z)the kingdom of God is near.
32"Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all things take place.
33"(AA)Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.
34"(AB)Be on guard, so that your hearts will not be weighted down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of life, and that day will not come on you suddenly like a trap;
35for it will come upon all those who dwell on the face of all the earth.
36"But (AC)keep on the alert at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are about to take place, and to (AD)stand before the Son of Man."
Mark 13
5And Jesus began to say to them, "See to it that no one misleads you. 6"Many will come in My name, saying, '(E)I am He!' and will mislead many.
7"When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be frightened; those things must take place; but that is not yet the end.
8"For nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be earthquakes in various places; there will also be famines. These things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.
9"But be on your guard; for they will (F)deliver you to the courts, and you will be flogged (G)in the synagogues, and you will stand before governors and kings for My sake, as a testimony to them.
10"(H)The gospel must first be preached to all the nations.
11"(I)When they arrest you and hand you over, do not worry beforehand about what you are to say, but say whatever is given you in that hour; for it is not you who speak, but it is the Holy Spirit.
12"Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; and children will rise up against parents and have them put to death.
13"(J)You will be hated by all because of My name, but the one who endures to the end, he will be saved.
14"But (K)when you see the (L)ABOMINATION OF DESOLATION standing where it should not be (let the reader understand), then those who are in Judea must flee to the mountains.
15"(M)The one who is on the housetop must not go down, or go in to get anything out of his house;
16and the one who is in the field must not turn back to get his coat.
17"But woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days!
18"But pray that it may not happen in the winter.
19"For those days will be a time of tribulation such as has not occurred (N)since the beginning of the creation which God created until now, and never will.
20"Unless the Lord had shortened those days, no life would have been saved; but for the sake of the elect, whom He chose, He shortened the days.
21"And then if anyone says to you, 'Behold, here is the Christ'; or, 'Behold, He is there'; do not believe him;
22for false Christs and (O)false prophets will arise, and will show (P)signs and (Q)wonders, in order to lead astray, if possible, the elect.
23"But take heed; behold, I have told you everything in advance.
26"Then they will see (T)THE SON OF MAN (U)COMING IN CLOUDS with great power and glory.
27"And then He will send forth the angels, and (V)will gather together His elect from the four winds, (W)from the farthest end of the earth to the farthest end of heaven.
28"Now learn the parable from the fig tree: when its branch has already become tender and puts forth its leaves, you know that summer is near.
29"Even so, you too, when you see these things happening, recognize that He is near, right at the door.
30"Truly I say to you, this [b]generation will not pass away until all these things take place.
31"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.
32"(X)But of that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.
33"Take heed, (Y)keep on the alert; for you do not know when the appointed time will come.
34"(Z)It is like a man away on a journey, who upon leaving his house and putting his slaves in charge, assigning to each one his task, also commanded the doorkeeper to stay on the alert.
35"Therefore, (AA)be on the alert--for you do not know when the master of the house is coming, whether in the evening, at midnight, or (AB)when the rooster crows, or (AC)in the morning--
36in case he should come suddenly and find you (AD)asleep.
37"What I say to you I say to all, '(AE)Be on the alert!'"
Matthew 24
3As He was sitting on (D)the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to Him privately, saying, "Tell us, when will these things happen, and what will be the sign of (E)Your coming, and of the end of the age?" 4And Jesus answered and said to them, "(F)See to it that no one misleads you.
5"For (G)many will come in My name, saying, 'I am the Christ,' and will mislead many.
6"You will be hearing of (H)wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not frightened, for those things must take place, but that is not yet the end.
7"For (I)nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and in various places there will be (J)famines and earthquakes.
8"(K)But all these things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.
9"(L)Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and (M)you will be hated by all nations because of My name.
10"At that time many will (N)fall away and will betray one another and hate one another.
11"Many (O)false prophets will arise and will mislead many.
12"Because lawlessness is increased, most people's love will grow cold.
13"(P)But the one who endures to the end, he will be saved.
14"This (Q)gospel of the kingdom (R)shall be preached in the whole (S)world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.
17"Whoever is on (W)the housetop must not go down to get the things out that are in his house.
18"Whoever is in the field must not turn back to get his cloak.
19"But (X)woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days!
20"But pray that your flight will not be in the winter, or on a Sabbath.
21"For then there will be a (Y)great tribulation, such as has not occurred since the beginning of the world until now, nor ever will.
22"Unless those days had been cut short, no life would have been saved; but for (Z)the sake of the elect those days will be cut short.
23"(AA)Then if anyone says to you, 'Behold, here is the Christ,' or 'There He is,' do not believe him.
24"For false Christs and (AB)false prophets will arise and will show great (AC)signs and wonders, so as to mislead, if possible, even (AD)the elect.
25"Behold, I have told you in advance.
26"So if they say to you, 'Behold, He is in the wilderness,' do not go out, or, 'Behold, He is in the inner rooms,' do not believe them.
27"(AE)For just as the lightning comes from the east and flashes even to the west, so will the (AF)coming of the (AG)Son of Man be.
28"(AH)Wherever the corpse is, there the vultures will gather.
31"And (AN)He will send forth His angels with (AO)A GREAT TRUMPET and THEY WILL GATHER TOGETHER His (AP)elect from (AQ)the four winds, from one end of the sky to the other.
34"Truly I say to you, (AS)this generation will not pass away until all these things take place.
35"(AT)Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.
36"But (AU)of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.
37"For the (AV)coming of the Son of Man will be (AW)just like the days of Noah.
38"For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, (AX)marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that (AY)Noah entered the ark,
39and they did not understand until the flood came and took them all away; so will the (AZ)coming of the Son of Man be.
40"Then there will be two men in the field; one will be taken and one will be left.
41"(BA)Two women will be grinding at the (BB)mill; one will be taken and one will be left.
44"For this reason (BF)you also must be ready; for (BG)the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will.
45"(BH)Who then is the (BI)faithful and (BJ)sensible slave whom his master (BK)put in charge of his household to give them their food at the proper time?
46"Blessed is that slave whom his master finds so doing when he comes.
47"Truly I say to you that (BL)he will put him in charge of all his possessions.
48"But if that evil slave says in his heart, 'My master is not coming for a long time,'
49and begins to beat his fellow slaves and eat and drink with drunkards;
50the master of that slave will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour which he does not know,
51and will cut him in pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites; in that place there will be (BM)weeping and gnashing of teeth.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
People love to focus on one or two verses - usually to back up their claims. Context will always destroy their arguments.
The people who have been led astray, lately - will need our prayers. They will need to be shown that their faith is not wrong, that it was the prophet, who was wrong. Matthew 24:45 - 51, right above, explains what *his* fate will be.
But his followers, they will need much grace, and forgiveness. And good teaching. I fear, in their despair and disgrace, they will turn their backs on God entirely... and so Satan laughs all the harder. So yes, I spend a great amount of time in prayer, pleading that those around them, will be wise.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
My list of complaints against the "Organized Church" is long, and filled with personal ... bitterness, I suppose. Today though, I would love to address one issue that I feel is very important to this situation.
The church as a people, and as an institution, has lost its sense of purpose, it seems to me.
Christians gather, not to do outreach, or to bring in members, but to strengthen themselves. The "seeker friendly" church, is... well its despicable, honestly. It is the individuals job, the *persons* responsibility - to reach out to their community and neighbors. The things they do and the say, are to reflect the light of Christ, and draw people to them.
The church, as a building, is supposed to *teach* us, feed us, point us in a collected direction.
But it is not meant, for the unbeliever. *We* are.
Now, we have the "church" reaching out to the unknown masses, and it gives us leave - to sit on our asses, and become complacent.
And worse, it forces the Pastors of these churches, into a solid repetitive cycle of preaching. He cannot feed his flock meat, cannot get into the heart of scriptures, because they are continually attempting to placate those who may or may not walk in, who would not understand.
Only the most simple, basic teachings, get thrown from the pulpit - those carefully tended to not offend, to not challenge, to not upset any young Christian, or unbeliever. And on this milk, those with stronger appetites, starve.
And through this, these places grow less and less a "Fellowship of the Saints" and more and more a social club. Unable to understand the wealth, the joy, and the strength that is under the surface of the river they are barely skimming. God and scripture become something that is relegated to Sunday, and the people largely remain inoculated to any real concept of forgiveness, of grace, or of any deep theological study... like the end times, and how fully they *are* laid out in scripture.
From the verses above, I think its inescapable - we must recognize that there is tribulation, *before* the rapture. We will be hated, and killed, and be a true mystery, to the unsaved, long before He comes to us. But that those days be cut *short* none would survive. That's fairly clear.
I do not welcome this. I look at my children, and fear.
But their lives, as mine, are in the hands of God.
But, with all that is happening, - I do have to admit - we *are* in the beginning stages now. Our destruction, the hatred, is slowly being fanned into flames, and all too soon, we will see it boils over. Fear of the future, however, is pointless, and an exercise in stupidity, as well. All I can do, and all indeed that is asked of me, is a deep thankfulness, and grace, in this moment, right now, when all is well. (Comparitively Speaking, of course)
I am wondering if this will slowly become a regular thing.
Luke 21
7They questioned Him, saying, "Teacher, when therefore will these things happen? And what will be the sign when these things are about to take place?"
8And He said, "See to it that you are not misled; for many will come in My name, saying, '(F)I am He,' and, 'The time is near ' (G)Do not go after them.
9"When you hear of wars and disturbances, do not be terrified; for these things must take place first, but the end does not follow immediately."
Things to Come
10Then He continued by saying to them, "Nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, 11and there will be great earthquakes, and in various places plagues and famines; and there will be terrors and great signs from heaven.12"But before all these things, (H)they will lay their hands on you and will persecute you, delivering you to the synagogues and prisons, bringing you before kings and governors for My name's sake.
13"(I)It will lead to an opportunity for your testimony.
14"(J)So make up your minds not to prepare beforehand to defend yourselves;
15for (K)I will give you utterance and wisdom which none of your opponents will be able to resist or refute.
16"But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death,
17and you will be hated by all because of My name.
18"Yet (L)not a hair of your head will perish.
19"(M)By your endurance you will gain your lives.
20"But when you see Jerusalem (N)surrounded by armies, then recognize that her desolation is near.
21"Then those who are in Judea must flee to the mountains, and those who are in the midst of the city must leave, and (O)those who are in the country must not enter the city;
22because these are (P)days of vengeance, so that all things which are written will be fulfilled.
23"Woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days; for (Q)there will be great distress upon the land and wrath to this people;
24and they will fall by (R)the edge of the sword, and will be led captive into all the nations; and (S)Jerusalem will be (T)trampled under foot by the Gentiles until (U)the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled.
The Return of Christ
25"There will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth dismay among nations, in perplexity at the roaring of the sea and the waves, 26men fainting from fear and the expectation of the things which are coming upon the world; for the powers of the heavens will be shaken.27"(V)Then they will see (W)THE SON OF MAN COMING IN A CLOUD with power and great glory.
28"But when these things begin to take place, straighten up and lift up your heads, because (X)your redemption is drawing near."
29Then He told them a parable: "Behold the fig tree and all the trees;
30as soon as they put forth leaves, you see it and (Y)know for yourselves that summer is now near.
31"So you also, when you see these things happening, recognize that (Z)the kingdom of God is near.
32"Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all things take place.
33"(AA)Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.
34"(AB)Be on guard, so that your hearts will not be weighted down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of life, and that day will not come on you suddenly like a trap;
35for it will come upon all those who dwell on the face of all the earth.
36"But (AC)keep on the alert at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are about to take place, and to (AD)stand before the Son of Man."
Mark 13
5And Jesus began to say to them, "See to it that no one misleads you. 6"Many will come in My name, saying, '(E)I am He!' and will mislead many.
7"When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be frightened; those things must take place; but that is not yet the end.
8"For nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be earthquakes in various places; there will also be famines. These things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.
9"But be on your guard; for they will (F)deliver you to the courts, and you will be flogged (G)in the synagogues, and you will stand before governors and kings for My sake, as a testimony to them.
10"(H)The gospel must first be preached to all the nations.
11"(I)When they arrest you and hand you over, do not worry beforehand about what you are to say, but say whatever is given you in that hour; for it is not you who speak, but it is the Holy Spirit.
12"Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; and children will rise up against parents and have them put to death.
13"(J)You will be hated by all because of My name, but the one who endures to the end, he will be saved.
14"But (K)when you see the (L)ABOMINATION OF DESOLATION standing where it should not be (let the reader understand), then those who are in Judea must flee to the mountains.
15"(M)The one who is on the housetop must not go down, or go in to get anything out of his house;
16and the one who is in the field must not turn back to get his coat.
17"But woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days!
18"But pray that it may not happen in the winter.
19"For those days will be a time of tribulation such as has not occurred (N)since the beginning of the creation which God created until now, and never will.
20"Unless the Lord had shortened those days, no life would have been saved; but for the sake of the elect, whom He chose, He shortened the days.
21"And then if anyone says to you, 'Behold, here is the Christ'; or, 'Behold, He is there'; do not believe him;
22for false Christs and (O)false prophets will arise, and will show (P)signs and (Q)wonders, in order to lead astray, if possible, the elect.
23"But take heed; behold, I have told you everything in advance.
The Return of Christ
24"But in those days, after that tribulation, (R)THE SUN WILL BE DARKENED AND THE MOON WILL NOT GIVE ITS LIGHT, 25(S)AND THE STARS WILL BE FALLING from heaven, and the powers that are in the heavens will be shaken.26"Then they will see (T)THE SON OF MAN (U)COMING IN CLOUDS with great power and glory.
27"And then He will send forth the angels, and (V)will gather together His elect from the four winds, (W)from the farthest end of the earth to the farthest end of heaven.
28"Now learn the parable from the fig tree: when its branch has already become tender and puts forth its leaves, you know that summer is near.
29"Even so, you too, when you see these things happening, recognize that He is near, right at the door.
30"Truly I say to you, this [b]generation will not pass away until all these things take place.
31"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.
32"(X)But of that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.
33"Take heed, (Y)keep on the alert; for you do not know when the appointed time will come.
34"(Z)It is like a man away on a journey, who upon leaving his house and putting his slaves in charge, assigning to each one his task, also commanded the doorkeeper to stay on the alert.
35"Therefore, (AA)be on the alert--for you do not know when the master of the house is coming, whether in the evening, at midnight, or (AB)when the rooster crows, or (AC)in the morning--
36in case he should come suddenly and find you (AD)asleep.
37"What I say to you I say to all, '(AE)Be on the alert!'"
Matthew 24
3As He was sitting on (D)the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to Him privately, saying, "Tell us, when will these things happen, and what will be the sign of (E)Your coming, and of the end of the age?" 4And Jesus answered and said to them, "(F)See to it that no one misleads you.
5"For (G)many will come in My name, saying, 'I am the Christ,' and will mislead many.
6"You will be hearing of (H)wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not frightened, for those things must take place, but that is not yet the end.
7"For (I)nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and in various places there will be (J)famines and earthquakes.
8"(K)But all these things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.
9"(L)Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and (M)you will be hated by all nations because of My name.
10"At that time many will (N)fall away and will betray one another and hate one another.
11"Many (O)false prophets will arise and will mislead many.
12"Because lawlessness is increased, most people's love will grow cold.
13"(P)But the one who endures to the end, he will be saved.
14"This (Q)gospel of the kingdom (R)shall be preached in the whole (S)world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.
Perilous Times
15"Therefore when you see the (T)ABOMINATION OF DESOLATION which was spoken of through Daniel the prophet, standing in (U)the holy place ((V)let the reader understand), 16then those who are in Judea must flee to the mountains.17"Whoever is on (W)the housetop must not go down to get the things out that are in his house.
18"Whoever is in the field must not turn back to get his cloak.
19"But (X)woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days!
20"But pray that your flight will not be in the winter, or on a Sabbath.
21"For then there will be a (Y)great tribulation, such as has not occurred since the beginning of the world until now, nor ever will.
22"Unless those days had been cut short, no life would have been saved; but for (Z)the sake of the elect those days will be cut short.
23"(AA)Then if anyone says to you, 'Behold, here is the Christ,' or 'There He is,' do not believe him.
24"For false Christs and (AB)false prophets will arise and will show great (AC)signs and wonders, so as to mislead, if possible, even (AD)the elect.
25"Behold, I have told you in advance.
26"So if they say to you, 'Behold, He is in the wilderness,' do not go out, or, 'Behold, He is in the inner rooms,' do not believe them.
27"(AE)For just as the lightning comes from the east and flashes even to the west, so will the (AF)coming of the (AG)Son of Man be.
28"(AH)Wherever the corpse is, there the vultures will gather.
The Glorious Return
29"But immediately after the (AI)tribulation of those days (AJ)THE SUN WILL BE DARKENED, AND THE MOON WILL NOT GIVE ITS LIGHT, AND (AK)THE STARS WILL FALL from the sky, and the powers of the heavens will be shaken. 30"And then (AL)the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see (AM)the SON OF MAN COMING ON THE CLOUDS OF THE SKY with power and great glory.31"And (AN)He will send forth His angels with (AO)A GREAT TRUMPET and THEY WILL GATHER TOGETHER His (AP)elect from (AQ)the four winds, from one end of the sky to the other.
Parable of the Fig Tree
32"Now learn the parable from the fig tree: when its branch has already become tender and puts forth its leaves, you know that summer is near; 33so, you too, when you see all these things, recognize that He is near, right (AR)at the door.34"Truly I say to you, (AS)this generation will not pass away until all these things take place.
35"(AT)Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.
36"But (AU)of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.
37"For the (AV)coming of the Son of Man will be (AW)just like the days of Noah.
38"For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, (AX)marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that (AY)Noah entered the ark,
39and they did not understand until the flood came and took them all away; so will the (AZ)coming of the Son of Man be.
40"Then there will be two men in the field; one will be taken and one will be left.
41"(BA)Two women will be grinding at the (BB)mill; one will be taken and one will be left.
Be Ready for His Coming
42"Therefore (BC)be on the alert, for you do not know which day your Lord is coming. 43"But be sure of this, that (BD)if the head of the house had known (BE)at what time of the night the thief was coming, he would have been on the alert and would not have allowed his house to be broken into.44"For this reason (BF)you also must be ready; for (BG)the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will.
45"(BH)Who then is the (BI)faithful and (BJ)sensible slave whom his master (BK)put in charge of his household to give them their food at the proper time?
46"Blessed is that slave whom his master finds so doing when he comes.
47"Truly I say to you that (BL)he will put him in charge of all his possessions.
48"But if that evil slave says in his heart, 'My master is not coming for a long time,'
49and begins to beat his fellow slaves and eat and drink with drunkards;
50the master of that slave will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour which he does not know,
51and will cut him in pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites; in that place there will be (BM)weeping and gnashing of teeth.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
People love to focus on one or two verses - usually to back up their claims. Context will always destroy their arguments.
The people who have been led astray, lately - will need our prayers. They will need to be shown that their faith is not wrong, that it was the prophet, who was wrong. Matthew 24:45 - 51, right above, explains what *his* fate will be.
But his followers, they will need much grace, and forgiveness. And good teaching. I fear, in their despair and disgrace, they will turn their backs on God entirely... and so Satan laughs all the harder. So yes, I spend a great amount of time in prayer, pleading that those around them, will be wise.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
My list of complaints against the "Organized Church" is long, and filled with personal ... bitterness, I suppose. Today though, I would love to address one issue that I feel is very important to this situation.
The church as a people, and as an institution, has lost its sense of purpose, it seems to me.
Christians gather, not to do outreach, or to bring in members, but to strengthen themselves. The "seeker friendly" church, is... well its despicable, honestly. It is the individuals job, the *persons* responsibility - to reach out to their community and neighbors. The things they do and the say, are to reflect the light of Christ, and draw people to them.
The church, as a building, is supposed to *teach* us, feed us, point us in a collected direction.
But it is not meant, for the unbeliever. *We* are.
Now, we have the "church" reaching out to the unknown masses, and it gives us leave - to sit on our asses, and become complacent.
And worse, it forces the Pastors of these churches, into a solid repetitive cycle of preaching. He cannot feed his flock meat, cannot get into the heart of scriptures, because they are continually attempting to placate those who may or may not walk in, who would not understand.
Only the most simple, basic teachings, get thrown from the pulpit - those carefully tended to not offend, to not challenge, to not upset any young Christian, or unbeliever. And on this milk, those with stronger appetites, starve.
And through this, these places grow less and less a "Fellowship of the Saints" and more and more a social club. Unable to understand the wealth, the joy, and the strength that is under the surface of the river they are barely skimming. God and scripture become something that is relegated to Sunday, and the people largely remain inoculated to any real concept of forgiveness, of grace, or of any deep theological study... like the end times, and how fully they *are* laid out in scripture.
From the verses above, I think its inescapable - we must recognize that there is tribulation, *before* the rapture. We will be hated, and killed, and be a true mystery, to the unsaved, long before He comes to us. But that those days be cut *short* none would survive. That's fairly clear.
I do not welcome this. I look at my children, and fear.
But their lives, as mine, are in the hands of God.
But, with all that is happening, - I do have to admit - we *are* in the beginning stages now. Our destruction, the hatred, is slowly being fanned into flames, and all too soon, we will see it boils over. Fear of the future, however, is pointless, and an exercise in stupidity, as well. All I can do, and all indeed that is asked of me, is a deep thankfulness, and grace, in this moment, right now, when all is well. (Comparitively Speaking, of course)
Monday, May 2, 2011
Almost 24 hours now...
and I think Im utterly alone, in this feeling.
Ive been praying - almost non-stop.
Ive been praying of the family, of Osama binLadin. Ive been praying for his followers.
Ive been praying that they find peace. Ive been praying, that they grieve well.
Ive been praying, that they find comfort, as it seems the whole world, is against them.
A world filled to the brim, with hatred, and thoughts of revenge - which have brought no one peace. A decadent, and morally corrupt world, that they must have felt so alone, in trying to keep out of their small corner of the it.
I pray for the men, who killed Osama.
I pray that thier greif, thier regrets, and even thier guilt, will find strong arms - understanding arms.
They alone, will bear the pain, that the people around them will tell them, they should not feel.
I pray, they will not have to feel the shame of it, for long.
I pray for these so-called "Christian" nations, who harbor such deep seated hate, and unforgivness in their hearts. That they would slaughter tens of thousands, in retribution for three, that they would decimate, and destroy, entire countries, entire peoples, in their wrath.
Christ would ask them to turn away, to show them love, and forgiveness.
The people who lost friends and family in those few attacks, will never know peace, any other way.
I pray for them, as well. As they begin to realize that with the death of this.. tyrant, or martyr, their pain does not lessen, but only grows. I pray that now, too late perhaps, but still, I pray that they would forgive, that they would extend a hand of mercy, and graciousness, to the world around them again.
That maybe, sanity could be restored.
Perhaps, its too late for that prayer.
Ive cried more, in these last 24 hours, then I did when the towers fell.
Ive felt more pain, more despair - as one after another, Ive witnessed the hate filled, pride laced speeches of those around me.
What exactly, have you won, by the death of this man. He was - just a man.
You cannot crush an idea, or a dream, so easily. To think you can, is more foolhardy then anything that has happened yet. And fear... your greatest enemy, will only grow, as you replace the one face, with countless others, lurking in shadows.
I pray, for wisdom. For all of us. That we would begin to learn, and understand. That we would come to realize that bitterness, and hatred, and fear, are poison in our bones. It will kill us, eventually. Every one of us.
But let me be - plain.
I understand. I do. I understand that this had to happen. Not because you wanted it, but because God needed it to, and what I am asking for, praying for, is an impossibility. Indeed, what I am praying for, is actually outside of the realm of God.
Because, it is that time.
It is the time when you must hate, and fear, and curse.
In your act of righteousness, you must push all that is good and true and pure from you, in order for Gods Word to come to a conclusion, and those of us who believe that your ways are *wrong*... we will be your enemies.
We who will forgive you, even love you - we who will push aside your lack of morality and increase of... decadence. Your materialism. Your demand for everybody to be like you, to fear like you, to hate, like you.
In the end, we will be your enemies, and you will have to kill us.
Because you fear what you dont understand, and you kill what you fear.
I wish, I wasnt alive, to see this day.
I wish, that my children, would not have to grow up in this world - where I will have to explain to them - all of it.
I pray, that they will understand, without the taint of fear and hate. I pray, that they will not be like - you - like them... I pray, that they will love, and accept whatever that love brings them.
Even if it brings the worst. Which today, more then ever, I fear it will.
Ive been praying - almost non-stop.
Ive been praying of the family, of Osama binLadin. Ive been praying for his followers.
Ive been praying that they find peace. Ive been praying, that they grieve well.
Ive been praying, that they find comfort, as it seems the whole world, is against them.
A world filled to the brim, with hatred, and thoughts of revenge - which have brought no one peace. A decadent, and morally corrupt world, that they must have felt so alone, in trying to keep out of their small corner of the it.
I pray for the men, who killed Osama.
I pray that thier greif, thier regrets, and even thier guilt, will find strong arms - understanding arms.
They alone, will bear the pain, that the people around them will tell them, they should not feel.
I pray, they will not have to feel the shame of it, for long.
I pray for these so-called "Christian" nations, who harbor such deep seated hate, and unforgivness in their hearts. That they would slaughter tens of thousands, in retribution for three, that they would decimate, and destroy, entire countries, entire peoples, in their wrath.
Christ would ask them to turn away, to show them love, and forgiveness.
The people who lost friends and family in those few attacks, will never know peace, any other way.
I pray for them, as well. As they begin to realize that with the death of this.. tyrant, or martyr, their pain does not lessen, but only grows. I pray that now, too late perhaps, but still, I pray that they would forgive, that they would extend a hand of mercy, and graciousness, to the world around them again.
That maybe, sanity could be restored.
Perhaps, its too late for that prayer.
Ive cried more, in these last 24 hours, then I did when the towers fell.
Ive felt more pain, more despair - as one after another, Ive witnessed the hate filled, pride laced speeches of those around me.
What exactly, have you won, by the death of this man. He was - just a man.
You cannot crush an idea, or a dream, so easily. To think you can, is more foolhardy then anything that has happened yet. And fear... your greatest enemy, will only grow, as you replace the one face, with countless others, lurking in shadows.
I pray, for wisdom. For all of us. That we would begin to learn, and understand. That we would come to realize that bitterness, and hatred, and fear, are poison in our bones. It will kill us, eventually. Every one of us.
But let me be - plain.
I understand. I do. I understand that this had to happen. Not because you wanted it, but because God needed it to, and what I am asking for, praying for, is an impossibility. Indeed, what I am praying for, is actually outside of the realm of God.
Because, it is that time.
It is the time when you must hate, and fear, and curse.
In your act of righteousness, you must push all that is good and true and pure from you, in order for Gods Word to come to a conclusion, and those of us who believe that your ways are *wrong*... we will be your enemies.
We who will forgive you, even love you - we who will push aside your lack of morality and increase of... decadence. Your materialism. Your demand for everybody to be like you, to fear like you, to hate, like you.
In the end, we will be your enemies, and you will have to kill us.
Because you fear what you dont understand, and you kill what you fear.
I wish, I wasnt alive, to see this day.
I wish, that my children, would not have to grow up in this world - where I will have to explain to them - all of it.
I pray, that they will understand, without the taint of fear and hate. I pray, that they will not be like - you - like them... I pray, that they will love, and accept whatever that love brings them.
Even if it brings the worst. Which today, more then ever, I fear it will.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Two thoughts...
keep me awake tonight.
We forget, or choose not to see.
The Ten Plagues, were of *Egypt*, not just the one city, where Moses and the Pharaoh, had their showdown. The entire Country suffered through those horrible nightmares. Which means even those in the country, who had no idea what was going on... lost *everything* in the wrath of God.
How can we then, look on a single incident in our families, or a single tornado, or earthquake, and say "Look! The wrath of God!" - what amazing vanity. If it were God, wrecking havoc on our country - trust me, we would have *no* doubt of it. There would be no other logical explanation. (Not that God has anything to do with Logic, but Im just saying here......)
Secondly, that the first plague, and presumably the others, wernt just momentary things. Its fairly clear that each one of these disasters lasted at *least* a full 24 hours, but much more likely, three days to a week, before they were lifted.
Even if it was just the river turned to blood, how many *died*, when left 7 days without fresh water. How many people died of starvation, long after the Jews were gone? And when we think "Death of the firstborn" we think children, infants... which is terrible enough... but what of the adult firstborn?
How many children were orphaned? How many people left with nothing? How many people were left scarred, disfigured, and alone?
Tomorrow, we celebrate the Passover. The Night when God chose to let the Hebrews live, while He slaughtered their enemies in one last bloodless, terrifying attack. They ate the feast with their cloaks on their back, and their shoes on, ready for travel. Ready, to flee. For how long would it take, for the Egyptians to rise up against them, come after them, to try to kill them, out of hurt, and anger and retribution?
Our God - is an *AWESOME* God. not in terms of the popular version of the word, but in the terms that He is terrifying, awe-inspiring, and down right *horrible*. When He gave Moses, those Ten Commandments, so recently, flippantly referred to as "Moses Big Ten" (When did they become Moses? Arent they *YHWH's* Himself?) These rules were stringently simple. And most of all, was pressed on us, not to worship any God but *Him*.
That, more then anything, had been Egypts crime. Oh yes, they had sodomy and fornication, they had murder, and gluttony and wrath, and all manner of all sins.
But they're *true* crime, was to create their *own "gods" - their own people, their own ways, separate and away from Him*.
SO take a moment, and think - what do you *depend* on? What do you turn to - for help, for security, for hope, for refuge?
What are your gods?
Dont tell me money isnt among them.
For me, I write, I shop, I play WoW. I read, I play with my children, and I spend time with my husband.
And maybe, after all of that, I turn to God.
Now, Im not about to cast any one of those activities out of my life.
But what I do wish to do, at least now, in this moment, is recognize that I need to put them into proper perspective. I need to recognize that the God whom I serve, is far more capable of comfort, of love, of acceptance, and of mercy, then any of those things that I usually turn to. Just as he is capable of the wrath of Egypt.
Because He is perfect, *He* can be both.
Tomorrow, I may make a mini Passover meal for my family. I want to focus on the salt water, the horseradish, the charoset, the parsley... the Maatza. To taste those bitter tears, and feel the burn of righteousness on my tongue. To taste the "mortar" that held together the walls that they built, and for one moment, be with them in their slavery. That it was so terrible, that God would mete out such extreme punishment.
Tonight, I am humbled in the presence of an awesome, and terrifying God - who *loves* me.
And though I will never understand or comprehend...
It doesnt matter.
because its *true*.
Because that is, afterall, what Passover, and "Easter" are all about.
We forget, or choose not to see.
The Ten Plagues, were of *Egypt*, not just the one city, where Moses and the Pharaoh, had their showdown. The entire Country suffered through those horrible nightmares. Which means even those in the country, who had no idea what was going on... lost *everything* in the wrath of God.
How can we then, look on a single incident in our families, or a single tornado, or earthquake, and say "Look! The wrath of God!" - what amazing vanity. If it were God, wrecking havoc on our country - trust me, we would have *no* doubt of it. There would be no other logical explanation. (Not that God has anything to do with Logic, but Im just saying here......)
Secondly, that the first plague, and presumably the others, wernt just momentary things. Its fairly clear that each one of these disasters lasted at *least* a full 24 hours, but much more likely, three days to a week, before they were lifted.
Even if it was just the river turned to blood, how many *died*, when left 7 days without fresh water. How many people died of starvation, long after the Jews were gone? And when we think "Death of the firstborn" we think children, infants... which is terrible enough... but what of the adult firstborn?
How many children were orphaned? How many people left with nothing? How many people were left scarred, disfigured, and alone?
Tomorrow, we celebrate the Passover. The Night when God chose to let the Hebrews live, while He slaughtered their enemies in one last bloodless, terrifying attack. They ate the feast with their cloaks on their back, and their shoes on, ready for travel. Ready, to flee. For how long would it take, for the Egyptians to rise up against them, come after them, to try to kill them, out of hurt, and anger and retribution?
Our God - is an *AWESOME* God. not in terms of the popular version of the word, but in the terms that He is terrifying, awe-inspiring, and down right *horrible*. When He gave Moses, those Ten Commandments, so recently, flippantly referred to as "Moses Big Ten" (When did they become Moses? Arent they *YHWH's* Himself?) These rules were stringently simple. And most of all, was pressed on us, not to worship any God but *Him*.
That, more then anything, had been Egypts crime. Oh yes, they had sodomy and fornication, they had murder, and gluttony and wrath, and all manner of all sins.
But they're *true* crime, was to create their *own "gods" - their own people, their own ways, separate and away from Him*.
SO take a moment, and think - what do you *depend* on? What do you turn to - for help, for security, for hope, for refuge?
What are your gods?
Dont tell me money isnt among them.
For me, I write, I shop, I play WoW. I read, I play with my children, and I spend time with my husband.
And maybe, after all of that, I turn to God.
Now, Im not about to cast any one of those activities out of my life.
But what I do wish to do, at least now, in this moment, is recognize that I need to put them into proper perspective. I need to recognize that the God whom I serve, is far more capable of comfort, of love, of acceptance, and of mercy, then any of those things that I usually turn to. Just as he is capable of the wrath of Egypt.
Because He is perfect, *He* can be both.
Tomorrow, I may make a mini Passover meal for my family. I want to focus on the salt water, the horseradish, the charoset, the parsley... the Maatza. To taste those bitter tears, and feel the burn of righteousness on my tongue. To taste the "mortar" that held together the walls that they built, and for one moment, be with them in their slavery. That it was so terrible, that God would mete out such extreme punishment.
Tonight, I am humbled in the presence of an awesome, and terrifying God - who *loves* me.
And though I will never understand or comprehend...
It doesnt matter.
because its *true*.
Because that is, afterall, what Passover, and "Easter" are all about.
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