So...

I havent talked about God in a long time. But today, Im going to break the silence and give you all an update on "where I am".

*sighs*
Life isnt fair.
Life isnt fair to us, it wasn't fair to the Saints, and it *certainly* wasn't fair to Jesus.
God owes me nothing. I have no right to even *ask* for anything from Him. My great and glorious God has given me *everything* - my talents, my life, the very oxygen I breath. He holds all things together - not just the galaxy but the cherries I sit here and eat, the computer on which I communicate and the rings on fingers. Even my children.

Life is hard. From 5Am to 9PM I complain and winge and storm and get frustrated over my lack of privacy, quiet, peace, time and sanity.
Life is amazing. From 5AM to 9PM I consistantly am in awe of the grace, the mercy, the strength that He gives to me and to all of those around me. The developing of gifts and abilities in people and how the challenges around us if accepted can make us change in core and intrinsic ways.
Life is a joy. From 5AM to 9PM I cry, laugh, pray, move, smile, scream, fume...and have a deep sense of joy that I never knew was possible.

Ecclesiastes is my saving grace. Why bother with anything? Its all a meaningless waste of time. Im not the first person to raise kids, Im not the person who will change the world. There is no reason for me to learn Hebrew, there is nothing that I do that I really enjoy. My depression sucks the life out of everything and my poor self esteem takes the rest.
But all there is in life is to enjoy the things that are set before us. One way or another. If you enjoy video games, then great - just remeber it is Gods grace that gives you the fingers and the eyes and the people who where intelligent enough to make millions off of your slothfulness. If you enjoy exercise than remember it is God who gave you the body, the drive, the energy and the personal situation that fuels the rage that you channel to lift that 150 pounds *one*more*time*. (yes, Im speaking about myself with the rage thing)

People - I have been penniless, friendless, and without a place to live.
I have been rich, in a crowd of 50 that I myself have put together from a dozen different contacts with a fabulous home, husband and life.
I have been an addict, a fanatic, an adulterer (not physically people - there are many different kinds of adultery)
I have brought joy and strength and love into peoples lives and even saved lives.

But there arent alot of things I really *know*.
One thing I do? Is that nothing lasts forever. Not pain, not heartache, not bad situations.
Not joy, not knowledge, not victory.

And one other thing that I am absolutely sure of? Is that everything we go through makes us into who we are - and we have *control* over that process.

I am a medicated (heavily) depressive. Im a borderline sociopath, even.
However.
I *choose* to be an optimist.
My children will not always be like this. Jade will not always puke everything he eats up and will not need to be in my arms 24/7 (and I will miss it when he doesnt)
Akiva will eventually show interest in potty training - Ive never seen a 12 year old who couldnt handle a toilet yet.
My house isnt always a disaster zone, and someday, my floor will not be covered with cheerios.

Of course, Im also a realist. Jade will someday do things far more messy than just a bit of spit up. Akiva will someday hog the bathroom so badly we will want to build her one for herself - and the phone, and the computer time, and.... someday, my floor will be covered in tonka trucks, sleeping bags from slumber parties, bits of glue and materials from craft projects, papers and magazines and cd's and God alone knows what.

In the end, only one thing matters.
How we get there - not so much.
But these are just my opinions.

Well, its about that time

Ive had time to think on it, and I have to do it.
I have to rant about the new Indiana Jones Movie.

First off, I adored the script. Whoever wrote that deserves some kind of medal. Well spoken and perfectly in character every time. Just the right amount of flashback and old jokes molded with new material and cultural references. Perfect.
What I hated was the plot. Whoever it was who came up with this story needs to have thier head examined, and as for Lucas/Spielburg... well.. let me save *that* rant for another day... it will take too long.
But *please* I know that Jones movies are supposed to stretch the imagination, but they have always been at least loosely *based* on what "could" be done. Surviving a nuclear blast in a fridge and that scene with the monkies? Oh dear *God* save me, please.
And, I *know* that the Mummy Returns was a good movie... but if you are *going* to remake it, than at least steal some of the good parts too, and not just... well....lets see....
1) The guy who wants the cursed treasure dies, even though the hero tries to save him - little regret is shown.
2) The whole place gets sucked up super/para form
3) The restless natives
4) The only thing they get in the end is the kiss.

Theres probably alot more... but... *really*....*shakes head*
ok, and my final problem?
Interdimensional beings?

I suppose it could be argued that religion is fantasy anyways and therefore it fits within the worldview, but when in the past you have twice put a whole lot of effort into explaining that the Christian Worldview is a powerful world force, even giving us that reminding glimpse of the Ark at the beginning... when you have gone into pagan cultures and given us an amazing picture of cults and the power of religious evil...
Why, oh why, with the unbeleivable myth and mystic available to you in the pan-asian, mexican, and thirty other deities on the charts feel the need to explain it in a *SCIENCE*FICTION*METHOD*?!?!?!?!
This wasnt Star Wars - youve already destroyed that. This isnt AI, or any other of your misguided attempts to raise our mental abilities to another level. this was an Indy movie - meant to satisfy the need for a hero amongst the religious middle class idiots.
grrr, argh, fritterfratterbadderdrabber rantrantrant.

My son is now screaming, I have to go and see to him, I have another post yet to do today on another totally differant topic....
but I will be back.

Oh yes, one final post script - whoever the script-writer was - thank you.. thankyou from the bottom of my little overtly critical heart.
I will buy this movie for one reason, and one reason only - to hear the aging captian of the milinnium falcon one last time utter the ageless line "I have a bad feeling about this"
yay!

Family Reunion

It went well. It was so very good to see everyone again and to hear the music. Thats the best part of the "t" family reunions - everyone who can play an instrument does, and we have jam sessions every evening. Grandma played the piano, Ian played guitar and fiddle. Maybe in a few years, Ill have the time to pick up the bass again.
First time Ive met some of the people there, but for the most part they were nice. Tigger fits in so well, I once again felt like I was the odd man out. Jade and Akiva were adored and loved on, but then they *were* the only babies there. Jan particularly bonded with Jade, although she did manage to wrangle a kiss from Eva before the end.

Two things...

I have learned a thing about fear tonight, as when I was feeding Jade his night time bottle, my doorbell rang and I was faced with a couple of complete strangers holding my daughter. She had managed to push open the front screen door on her own and wander out into the parking lot, where these good Samaritans tracked her down and returned her to me. Several hours later, Ive just now stopped shaking and no longer feel on the verge of hysterics.

In a totally other end of tangent... there is something deeply wrong about about a Nightelf named Gigabyte. A gnome, maybe, but an **Elf**?!?!? - oh *hell* no!

So....

Im watching my Highlander - with all the Horseman glory.
And my Player revolts and refuses to play the last few disks.
After i have the biggest fit in the world, I calm down and say to myself "Its ok, its temporary - hey you can watch them on your Computer even if you wanted to - for now, lets watch something else...."
So I put in the Pianist. Adrian Brody, suffering and social commentary - nice change of pace...
*laughs*
then what to my wondering eyes do appear... but Silas? and Kronos... oh yes... I had *forgotten* that Valentine was in the movie - but until today I never even *realized* that my adorable troglidyte Silas was in there too!
Brody's nose is a passable for Methos....
too bad there wasnt a Caspain in sight, or my day would have totally complete!

and for all those out there who tune in here and dont have a clue what I was just rambling about....

Not better than this...

Chili Chocolate
Ripe Merlot
.......
....

Season 5 of HIghlander
*wg*
finally.

Good to ask.....

1. Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?
2. Will this choice contribute to my health or detract from it?
3. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment or will it bring me short-term gratification?
4. Will this choice add to my life force or will it drain me of my energy?
5. Will I use this choice as a catalyst to grow and learn, or will I use it to beat myself up?
6. Does this choice empower me or does it dis-empower me?
7. Is this an act of self-love or is it an act of self-sabotage?
8. Is this an act of faith or is it an act of fear?
9. Is this choice coming from my heart or from my ego?
10. Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?