Saturday, June 6, 2009

Feel like a broken record...

But honestly, people - what does it take to live the life you really want to live? Other than probably more time in a day than there is. I dont want to be mediocre. I dont want to just - watch my life go by. But Im tired, and Im sick, and ... I guess Im not sure I have the courage necessary.

Its not like I want anything that needs alot of money. Its not even that the life I want to lead is... complicated.

And yet here I stand, (or sit, rather) once again at my computer whining about how Im not happy with the way things are.

Its like - pulling on data from a previous post, every once in a while my Id and Super-ego get together and gang up on my ego.

THey want fresh air and a breeze, they want prayer and they want physical activity. They want the house empty of "crap" and my children tought lessons in stillness, patience, and contentment. They want me to clean house and bake bread and quit being so wishy washy about - well - *everything*.

But the ego is tired, and sick, and lonely.

The super-ego wants to take the kids out - go shopping, get things done.
The Id wants to take them to the park, let them run around like mad things and be free.

The ego wants to go back to bed and stay there. It wants a child free day. It wants a day without tears and cartoons and demands.
It wants to figure out exactly where and what *it* wants *laughs*.

Oh, I know I sound intirely dissociative and psycho here.... And maybe I am, who knows... but I dont really recognize them as different "people" - just facets of one singular personality.
A personality that is all too human, with a dark side, and the Holy Spirit inhabiting it. Its probably why the "darker" side and the more spiritual side have such similer plans and goals.

I wonder if that concept of true inner peace, is simply when the Id, Ego, and Super-Ego all finally "merge". And I think that is the true, life long struggle. When your parts finally become one united whole, than...you have real peace. True understanding.

My Id and ego are so very close together... Well, more than most people, I think. Oh they dont *look* the same. *laughs* but what they want from life is remarkably alike.

Its just "me" who - isnt fitting with the plan. And maybe thats why I struggle *so* hard, and am so very aware of it. I think if your Id and super ego dont agree, its almost easier. Than you just have to choose between "wrong" and "right". But I dont have that. Instead, I have more a conflict between my "outside" influences, and the pull of those two... What other people expect of me, and what *I* expect of me.

Unless... Unless my "Id" isnt so much of what I think it is, and in reality, its just a lazy, slovenly, dirty *Mess*. But that doesnt really sound right. That... to me just sounds like "depression" - squared. Its why the house is cleaner where I "live" the most, because I cant *handle* that mess so much. No - thats not really me... its just - another outside influence.

*laughs* its really hard to have a mess, and clutter, when you really dont want to own much *laughs* when your whole desire is to be in that small emptly space with just a laptop and an ipod and a bible. (or alternatively, a wide open empty space, with a laptop, an ipod, and a bible *laughs*)

So I think, my first real step, each day, has to banishing the depression. FInding a way to overcome its effects. And I do recognize that a good chunk of that is both getting outside, getting exercise, and reading my bible.
*sighs*

Worship.
Fellowship.
Discipline.

It always comes back to those three.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

written last night... Psi, about Ben.

"I do not want, what I cannot have. And what I have, I will never want for.
And what I need, will never be taken from me


I do not want him. Not any more than I want ... water.. or oxygen.
He is - like those things, to me
Wether I want or not, no matter.
I must have to survive"

now *that* - is what love should feel like.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Friday, May 22, 2009

My American Idol Rant.

because sooner or later, you all knew I had to have one.

Let me start with this. American Idol, will *NEVER* actually crown a truly talented, amazing artist. Its impossible.
Dont get me wrong, the new Pocket Idol King is adorable, talented, and - yes, amazing.
But... but.... just. But.

It comes down to this. True, real talent alienates people. Its why we have genres, Its why we have cliques. Its why we have the term "hidden diamonds". It inspires people to truly *worship* their idols. And unfortunately, that means that "popular vote" is the distinct and absolute antithesis of the raw, primal power that comes with a true "idol".

Chris Allan managed to take genre songs, and make them - palatable to the masses. That in and of itself takes great talent - probably greatly *underestimated* talent. But Adam Lambert took a widely popular song, and turned it into a genre specific masterpiece (Ring of Fire).

Adam Lambert, by definition, is an idol - he invokes great passionate hate, or love in people.
Kris Allan, by definition, just isnt.

This, in many ways, is also why the concept of Democracy fails.
By depending on popular vote, you are only going to appeal to a certain type of person to start with. And than, to have a platform that appeals to enough people, you cannot incite real passion in people, because if you do, you will separate yourself too much from the norm.

But, I suppose - Kris Allan is certainly a "safe" god to worship. A generic, white bread god with no real power over hearts or minds. That will allow you to continue your merry way with a bit more spring in your step.
Just like the "God" of America, really.

A real Idol? A true "God"? once again, I go back to my ever favorite, CS Lewis, in chronicles of Narnia.
"Safe? Of course He's not safe! But He's *good*.
All Hail the top 4 who *didnt win*
For those who are not generic enough to win the full vote.
Danny Gokey, who inspired me to new levels of distaste and distrust.
Allison Iraheta, who actually made me *want* to like her.
Matt Giraud, who is probably just deeply enough niche'd into genre to have staying power in today's culture.

And yes, All hail Adam Lambert, who inspired enough passion in the people to keep him there, but wasnt generic enough to win.
I'll be waiting on that album.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Ahhh - the days of our lives....

Little boy wonders up to me, wearing daddies (thankfully clean) underwear on his head.

Little girl, looking at her brother saying "stinky" over and over and over.

Little boy, stealing his sisters yogurt, and than dripping it all over the floor because he still hasnt *quite* conquered the art of 1) holding something upright, and 2) getting spoon to mouth without tipping it. So, theres more yogurt on the floor, and on him, than is getting to his mouth, but he looks *so* proud of himself....

Little girl, hitting her brother repeatedly on his head with an empty pop bottle.
Little boy, just standing there, smiling, taking it.

Worlds most expensive entertainment system - yes.
But oh so very worth it.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Blog as someone else day.....

Akiva Grace Romeo...

OK, this whole poop thing - I dont like it. At all. Totally inconvenient, and messy. I dont like messy. I like things where I want them, and mama takes things away from where I want them when theres poop involved.

And dont get me started on water. Whats the deal here? Everywhere I go theres water, and yeah, its fun but... being wet - not fun. Being wet and cold? Not fun. Having water poured on you? not fun. Mamas insane, I *know* it, because she does it *every*day*.

What does "seriously" mean and why does daddy laugh so hard when I say it?

Is there any way I could convince mama just to dump my cheerios in chcocolate and let me live on that? I mean, the oatmeals ok, and the yogurt - oh right.. yogurt... umm yeah, cheerios in chocolate and yogurt...
But the fruit cups? ugh.

Little brother - I want to feed you something.....
Why is it, when he kicks me, its funny, but when I kick him, he cries?

Pizza.. Id have to keep pizza.
and I want it all outside. Dont like inside. Even the wet outside is different. I say, we all just live outside from now on. Much better.
Me and pliglet, and beeca, and Dade.
yeah.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Since it has been requested

by various individuals... here is our current movie list, starting with Kids films.

1. 101 Dalmations (cartoon)
2. 101 Dalmations (live)
3. A Bugs Life
4. Alvin and the Chipmunks
5. Aladdin
6. Anastasia
7. Aristocats
8. Baby Bach
9. Baby Beethoven
10. Baby Da Vinci
11. Baby Mozart
12. Babies Favorite Places
13. Baby Wordsworth
14. Baby’s Neighborhood Animals
15. Baby Neptune
16. Baby Noah
17. Baby Numbers
18. Baby On the Go
19. Baby Van Gogh
20. Baby Shakespeare
21. Baby Shapes
22. Beauty and the Beast
23. Bob The Builder
24. Bolt
25. Cars
26. Dr. Dolittle
27. Dumbo
28. Finding Nemo
29. Flushed Away
30. Freaky Friday
31. The Golden Compass
32. The Goofy Movie
33. Happy Feet
34. Hook
35. Ice Age
36. Ice Age 2
37. Igor
38. Jungle Book
39. Kung-fu Panda
40. Lady and the Tramp
41. Labyrinth
42. The Lion King
43. The Little Mermaid
44. Madagascar 2
45. Monsters Inc.
46. Mulan
47. Narnia
48. Narnia Prince Caspian
49. Night at the Museum
50. Over the Hedge
51. The Prince of Egypt
52. The Princess Bride
53. Ratatuoie
54. Shrek
55. Shrek 2
56. Shrek the Third
57. Shrek the Halls
58. Sleeping Beauty
59. Spiderwick Chronicles
60. Tinkerbell
61. Treasure Planet
62. Veggietales- Larry-boy and the Rumour Weed
63. Veggietales – Josh and the Great Big Wall
64. Veggietales – Rack, Shack and Benny
65. Veggietales- Ether: The Girl who became Queen
66. Veggietales – Sumo of the Opera
67. Veggietales – King George and the Duckie
68. Veggietales – The Ballad of Little Joe
69. Veggietales- Lord of the Beans
70. Veggietales – Gideon: Tuba Warrior
71. Veggie Tales Sing Along- I can be your friend
72. Veggietales Sing Along – Dance of the Cucumber
73. Veggie Tales – Minnisota Cuke and the Search for Samsons Hairbrush
74. Veggietales- Big River Rescue
75. Veggietales – Sheerluck Holmes and the case of the Golden Ruler
76. Veggietales- The Wizard of Has
77. Veggietales – Lyle the Friendly Viking
78. Veggitales Movie – Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything
79. Veggietales Movie – Jonah and the Whale
80. Wall-E
81. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

TV Series...

1. 24- Season 1
2. 24- Season 2
3. 24- Season 3
4. 24- Season 4
5. Angel – Season 1
6. Angel – Season 2
7. Angel – Season 3
8. Angel – Season 4
9. Angel – Season5
10. Bones - Season 1
11. Bones - Season 2
12. Bones – Season 3
13. Buffy- Season 1
14. Buffy- Season 2
15. Buffy- Season 3
16. Buffy- Season 4
17. Buffy- Season 5
18. Buffy- Season 6
19. CSI- Season 1
20. CSI- Season 2
21. CSI- Season 3
22. CSI- Season 4
23. CSI- Season 5
24. CSI- Season 6
25. CSI- Season 7
26. Desperate Housewives - Season 1
27. Desperate Housewives - Season 2
28. Desperate Housewives-Season 3
29. Desperate Housewives – Season 4
30. Firefly
31. Frasier - Season 1
32. Frasier - Season 2
33. Frasier - Season 3
34. Frasier - Season 5
35. Frasier – Season 6
36. Frasier – Season7
37. Frasier – Season 8
38. Frasier – Season9
39. Frasier – Season 10
40. Frasier – Season 11
41. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 1
42. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 2
43. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 3
44. Grey’s Anatomy – Season 4
45. Highlander- Season 1
46. Highlander- Season 2
47. Highlander- Season 3
48. Highlander- Season 4
49. Highlander - Season 5
50. Highlander the Raven
51. MacGyver – Season 1
52. Miami Vice- Season 1
53. Miami Vice- Season 2
54. Miami Vice – Season 3
55. Miami Vice – Season 4
56. Numbers – Season 1
57. Supernatural- Season 1
58. Supernatural- Season 2
59. Supernatural – Season 3
60. Veronica Mars – Season 1
61. Veronica Mars – Season2
62. Veronica Mars – Season3
63. X-Files Season 1
64. X-Files- Season 2
65. X-Files- Season 3
66. X-Files- Season 4
67. X-Files- Season 5
68. X-Files- Season 6
69. X-Files – Season 7
70. X-Files- Season 8
71. X-Files- Season 9


and movies....

1. 2 Fast 2 Furious
2. 8 Seconds
3. 10 Things I Hate About You
4. A Chorus Line
5. American Sweethearts
6. Antitrust
7. Arachniphobia
8. Armageddon
9. Art of Trials
10. August Rush
11. Australia
12. Bad Boys
13. Bad Boys 2
14. Basic Yoga for Dummies
15. Batman Begins
16. Batman The Dark Knight
17. Batman Forever
18. Benny and Joon
19. The Big Hit
20. Blade
21. Blade 3
22. Bourne Identity
23. Bourne Conspiracy
24. Bourne Supremacy
25. Bowling for Columbine
26. Braveheart
27. Bride Wars
28. Bringing Out the Dead
29. Brothers Grim
30. Bruce Almighty
31. The Bucket List
32. Casablanca
33. Casanova
34. Casino Royale
35. Chocolat
36. Chronicles of Riddick
37. Constantine
38. Cool Hand Luke
39. Crank
40. The Crow
41. The Devil Wears Prada
42. Death Race
43. Die Hard
44. Die Harder
45. Die Hard with a Vengeance
46. Die Hard or Live Free
47. Dirty Dancing
48. Dracula
49. Earthed
50. Eight Legged Freaks
51. Elizabeth
52. Elizabeth The Golden Years
53. Elizabethtown
54. Ever After
55. Evolution
56. Face Off
57. Fast and Furious
58. Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
59. Fifth Element
60. Finding Neverland
61. Flatliners
62. Fried Green Tomatoes
63. From Hell
64. Gladiator
65. The Golden Compass
66. Gone in 60 Seconds
67. Graffiti Bridge
68. Grease
69. The Green Mile
70. Gremlins
71. Hackers
72. Hairspray
73. Hamlet
74. Hancock
75. Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone
76. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
77. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
78. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
79. Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
80. Hitch
81. The Hulk
82. The Imposters
83. The Incredible Hulk
84. Independence Day
85. Indiana Jones
86. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
87. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
88. Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
89. Interview with the Vampire
90. I Robot
91. Italian Job
92. Ironman
93. Jurassic Park
94. Jurassic Park: The Lost World
95. Jurassic Park:3
96. Kingdom of Heaven
97. King Kong
98. A Knights Tale
99. Lake Placid
100. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
101. The Legend of Zorro
102. Lethal Weapon 1
103. Lethal Weapon 2
104. Lethal Weapon 3
105. Lethal Weapon 4
106. Liar Liar
107. Life as a House
108. Lifted
109. Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring
110. Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers
111. Lord of the Rings- Return of the King
112. Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring (extended)
113. Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers (extended)
114. Lord of the Rings- Return of the King (Extended)
115. Lost Boys
116. Luther
117. Mama Mia
118. Matrix
119. Maverick
120. M.I.B.
121. The Mexican
122. Memoirs of a Geisha
123. Miami Vice
124. A Midsummer’s Night Dream
125. Moulin Rouge
126. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
127. The Mummy
128. The Mummy Returns
129. The Musketeer
130. National Treasure
131. National Treasure 2
132. The Nativity Story
133. One Night at McCools
134. Notting Hill
135. Oceans 11
136. Oceans 12
137. Oceans 13
138. Office Space
139. Once Upon a Time in Mexico
140. The Other Boleyn Girl
141. The Passion
142. The Pianist
143. Phantom of the Opera
144. Pitch Black
145. Pilates- Intermediate
146. Pilates for Beginners
147. Pirates of the Caribbean – Curse of the Black Pearl
148. Pirates of the Caribbean- Dead Mans Chest
149. Pirates of the Caribbean – At Worlds End
150. Pride and Prejudice
151. The Punisher
152. The Queen
153. Queen of the Damned
154. Quantum of Solace
155. Ray
156. Rent
157. The Rock
158. Rumour has it
159. Rush Hour
160. The Saint
161. Serenity
162. Shawshank Redemption
163. The Simpsons Movie
164. Singing in the Rain
165. Snake Eyes
166. Someone Like You
167. Speed
168. Spiderman 1
169. Spiderman 2
170. Spiderman 3
171. Spaceballs
172. Stargate
173. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
174. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones
175. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
176. Star Wars- A New Hope (VHS- Original Cut)
177. Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back (VHS- Original Cut)
178. Star Wars- Return of the Jedi (VHS-Original Cut)
179. Star Wars- A New Hope
180. Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back
181. Star Wars- Return of the Jedi
182. Step Up
183. Sweeny Todd
184. Superman Returns
185. Take the Lead
186. Terminator 2: Rise of the Machines
187. The Three Musketeers
188. Three to Tango
189. Transformers
190. The Transporter
191. Transporter 2
192. Twister
193. Uncle Buck
194. Underworld
195. Van Helsing
196. V for Vendetta
197. Waiting
198. Walk the line
199. A Walk in the Clouds
200. Wanted
201. What Women Want
202. White Christmas
203. With Honors
204. X-Men
205. X-Men United
206. X-Men- The Last Stand
207. xXx


yes, I am aware, its alot.