OK

Day in the life posts, usually arent my thing, but tonight.. yeah...

Today at 3, we had to take Eva to the Dr.
You see, for a three yr old, her speech is - slow. You cannot have a conversation with her. She wont talk to you. Its not that she *cant* talk - she copies the words from Nemo, Shrek, Ice Age, and The little mermaid just fine. She can imitate what you say, if she feels like it, perfectly.
But she wont talk to you.

Its taken us a full year, just to get her to say "Milk Please".
So today, she saw the Pediatrician, who spent a good half hour with her and her brother.

His reaction, was to schedule her to see/get - a hearing test. A Speech Pathologist, and a "clinic" on Autism. This is because of her insane habit of organizing everything, rather then "playing" with things. And yes, her speech impairment.

He also scheduled her for blood and urine tests.
Now, for those who havent had to take a young child for a blood test, or those who havent been there for a while - let me explain the procedure to you.

One parent, or a nurse, lays next to the child on a "bed" in the room. The childs legs are then trapped between your own, and you keep thier far arm imobalized. (that was me)
THe other parent, or a nurse, then grabs the free arm, and holds it still. (This was Tigger)
The lead nurse, then pushes the needle into the childs arm, and extracts the blood sample.

Now, Eva, apparently, took this like a Trooper. She cried, but did not struggle, or fight us in any way. If this had to be done, then she would let it happen, but she *was* going to complain about it - loudly.

After the nurse was done, and handed her the Finding Nemo stickers, I almost cried when she *thanked* the nurse.
Even the nurse was a bit surprised.

Oh - I forgot to mention, and thank... in the waiting room, there were two gentlemen. One didnt talk to us, but looked amused. The other, oh God, thank you for sending him. We had to wait over an hour, to get in - the dr was running behind - a bit normal, Im sure, for a man who CNN has featured as a top leading pediatrician in his field.
The one gentleman was a train conductor for Fort Edmonton Park. He read to Jade, helped us keep him busy during the wait, and even hugged Eva. He looked alot like Grandpa, who they havent seen since before Christmas, due to the Whipple surgery.

And then there was the lady with the 6month old, who discovered that her little girl had an instant love of Eva. And Eva, in return, adored the baby. It was hard to drag them apart, when it was time to see the Dr.

So we saw the Dr., then had the blood tests done.
Then mommy, who only wanted a strong shot of scotch, went off to do errands.

Now, an interesting fact.
Nowhere, in the North end of edmonton, can you find plastic tablecloths. I went to three big box stores, and finally, to Zellers, and still ended up buying cloth. And now with Jade moved from highchair to booster seat, beside his sister, you can all imagine how much *that* thrills me.
Nor, can you find any season of Lost, on DVD. Blu-Ray, yes. DVD, not a freaking chance.

I did manage to get my hair cut, all the while dealing with a hairdresser who loudly chewed gum in my ear, and sucked at scalp massage. Which I *really* needed after the clinic.

The bookstore I went to had two sales girls in it that had neither heard of Oscar Wilde, nor of Dorian Grey.

Safeway only had two tills open, and line ups 8 people deep at both. and of course, I was in my "silly" shoes, because if I dont wear hiking styled boots, this is all I have. remnents of my non-parenting, non "fat" days.

Tommy Hillfiger didnt have a single pair of sweatpants in - for men or women.

The only friend I ran into, from back at the Club, was my yoga instructor, whos husband is out of work. It made me feel very very guilty, because he has seniority over my husband, as they both work for the same company. Tigger, has plenty of work, on the other hand. I felt very badly for her, particularly after her son, married less then a year, is already entangled in a horrid divorce.

Now, I dont know about where you live, but weve had more than a foot of snow this winter. And in the last few days, its been hovering a little above zero - which means sludge.
Sludge plus parking lot, plus heavily loaded cart, equal disaster, particularly when combined with high heels.

Enter man in ugly old pick up, who bears a bit of resemblance to Viggo Mortenstien (wow, can we say brian fart, I had to look that up! *laughs*) Who pulled over, and actually pulled my cart to my car for me. ((Look! Chivalry isnt dead!))
((Or maybe it was just an older, smellier version of Strider, who knows))

SO - all in all, a frustrating, yet filled with rare blessings, of an evening.
Much longer than I wanted, more accomplished then should have been in the time allowed. And - yes, continual reminders that my God loves me, watches over me, and has the strangest sense of humour *ever*.

and now that Im home, groceries put away, hard liquer imbibed... Im going to bed.
Tomorrow, I have an appt. with the Psychologist.
yay, oh yay....
maybe Ill let you all know how *that* goes.
maybe I wont.

But I do hope that you can spot the blessings in your day, jsut like I did... and let them overshadow the dark patches too.

Jan3 - Time for a rant....

Oh where to start?

--Its not war, its genocide.
There is no army amassed against us, just frightened people, fighting on their own land, for their own freedoms. Yes, 9/11 was terrible. But that wasn't even a whole Country aligned against us, that was just a small group of radicals. And we have punished a nation. You've brought us a decade of terror and bloodshed. It woke me up close to tears this morning, just thinking about it.

--God doesn't want you to claim your neighborhood, your town, your city, or your country, for Him.
Its already His. God just wants you. He wants your heart, He wants your soul, He wants your thoughts, - good and bad. He wants you willing and capable, and all He asks of you is to show love. Show love for those who dont like you. Show love to the idiots that surround you. Show love to the fags, the murderers, the retards and the races you hate, you bigoted, self-righteous idiots.
And while you're at it... remember...
Dont judge. Dont judge them, as any of those things. Its not your place, Its Gods. Humble yourselves in the face of God - who dwells in the heart of every person on this earth. Every time you look at somebody, *anybody* and think of them as an idiot, a cheat, a liar, a bigot, a racist... you are judging them. And you will fall by that same judgment.

--Every country in this world, as its established itself, has put forth thier own religion as truth. And for a while, its spread, and caught on, and then has been extinguished... for the most part. What makes you think America is any different? Evolution has its own Creation theory, just as violent and radical as any. It has its own Flood story, just like every culture out there. The fact that there is no god at all, is its only unique selling point, so of course it would catch on. But honestly, people - if you want to live in a world with religious freedom... then we have to allow both ideas, to survive.
The only thing that is sure is that both the God of the Jews, and that old world paganism, will both survive. They always have.

--Its been a decade of Lord of the Rings, and of Pirates of the Caribbean. 10 years of Harry Potter and Saw. Our music has once again become the playground of glitter and fantasy, as our reality has grown uglier and uglier. We have decided that we like our men dirty, (Strider) drunk, (Captn. Jack) and capable of ripping peoples heads off (Wolverine). We have decided that we like our boys pretty, (Orlando Bloom)Magical, (Harry Potter) and able to carry a tune (High School Musical). In fact, the return of the musical alone marks an interesting turn in the last decade. The point is, that as our music and our entertainment is always the platform for popular culture to express itself, as however guided by the men behind the scenes... one truth has become inherent in it all...

2000 - 2010, was an ugly, dirty cesspool, and we all really need a good bath and want to emerge into a brighter, more hopeful future.

Its a good thing then, that God doesnt want our land, because He has His own... and Hes making it beautiful for *us*. Man was made for eternity, for Heaven, and our hearts long for it. We will never be satisfied with what we have here and now. Its not possible.
But if you love... if you refuse to judge, and just love. You may find at least, your own 20 feet becoming a little more tolerable.
For 2010 - resolve to love.
Its certainly a radical idea.

rantrantrant

Micah 6 -

7 Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

And yet, there are churches now refusing to feed the homeless, because some of them may be gay.

Isa 40
25"(A)To whom then will you liken Me
That I would be his equal?" says the Holy One.
26(B)Lift up your eyes on high
And see (C)who has created these stars,
The (D)One who leads forth their host by number,
He calls them all by name;
Because of the (E)greatness of His might and the strength of His power,
(F)Not one of them is missing.
27(G)Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
"My way is (H)hidden from the LORD,
And the (I)justice due me escapes the notice of (J)my God"?

Its said that there are ten stars, for every grain of sand.
There is more "sand" on this planet, then there is water.

If God cares enough to call out every single star. If he has numbered the sand, and the hairs on our heads...

These are our holy-days... Do something today, that reminds you that God is watching - whomever you serve.

I love the concept of time

The ebb and the flow of it, not to mention the breakdown.
There are so many ways to look at it.
In looking at the new year, I realize that there are 52 weeks. this means, that roughly, there are 50 easily started and marked off chances to gain/lose a habit - if you follow that you could attempt one every week, and they take 21 days to ingrain.

Technically, you could do one every day, but its far easier to tackle three things, then 30.

My first goal, is to start to get up at 5AM each day. There are multiple reasons for me to choose that hour.
First of all, its the earliest hour any "sane" (That being a relative term) person would get up at. 4Am just sounds - like you couldnt have gotten enough sleep. Anything between 5-9 really, is, in my mind, good. After 9, you run the risk of either people thinking you stayed up *way* too late, or you're just freaking lazy.

My internal clock seems to be set to 5 though, always has. Even in high school, I could easily get up at 5.

Also, this coincides with bedtimes. 9, as far as Im concerned, is the most reasonable hour to go to bed at. You could push to to 10, even 11, and still get enough sleep, getting up at 5. 8 doesnt sound to extreme, if you arent feeling well. But after 11, for most adults, anyways, Its getting *late*. And again, before 8 - Either you are on deaths door, or ...

Well, to be honest, I understand, that there are - occasions. Depression and mental illness, for example, bork any attempt to control your hours. For example - I wake up every morning at about 330 AM.
This obviously puts a dent into my attempts to get up at 5. And it doesnt matter when Ive gone to bed. Im up at 330.
Over the last year, Ive come to call it my journalling hour.

Interesting to note, this doesnt occur when I dont have alcohol in the evenings. So this of course, becomes habit 3. Or rather, the breaking of the habit. Or maybe substitution will be a better phrase. Non-caffinated tea, in the evenings, like I used to have, instead of R&C, may serve me, and my waistline, much better.

So this is my January. 3 healthy, hard to conquer habits.
I have a list, theres over 30 things on it, of little habits and such that I want to adopt over the course of 2010. These are the three most basic changes I can make in my life, to make myself happier.

Why will I be happier? thats a good question. Why not stay up whenever I want, why not sleep in every morning, if I can, since the kids let me sleep easily till 9 - if I want to?

Well, the human body needs, craves, wants regular sleep hours. Thats the first one, and its huge. If you want to try to conquer depression, this really is the most basic step to a healthier soul. Everything in your chemistry is tied to the light, and your waking hours. And 8-ish good hours of sleep, at the right time, cannot be substituted by anything.
Discipline, is another reason. The human *mind* and soul crave this. Routine. Its a niche where we will be comfortable.
If I am up at 5, I can do housework, and yoga, and even get breakfast ready, before my kids even get up. This gives me uninterrupted time. This gives me peace and quiet. This gives me a good start, to be in a good mood for the day.
It gives me more time for the kids.

There is no bad here.
So.

Looking at all of this, I think that the one that I will actually have to start with, is the Tea. I know theres still a few weeks, untill January starts, but... really, who the hell cares? January 1st is not a magic number. Im going to get out my kettle, and clean it today.
I might even shine my sink.

But right now, its 4 AM. Ive played WoW, and this would be my journal entry, I suppose. Alot of my writing at this hour goes into my actual written journal though. Thoughts and feelings I dont feel comfortable with people reading. Maybe after I die, someone will go throught all that crap and wonder why I even bothered. they will learn how hard life really was for me, and just - toss it all away.

How bad is it that my top two muses at the moment are a senile 100 year old man, and a teenage psychopath?

Top Ten Lists.

Romeo Top Ten Lists for 2009?

Top Ten Movies (obviously, where else would we start?)

1) Death Race
2) Australia
3) Ironman
4) Memiors of a Geisha
5) Take the LEad
6) Step Up
7) Superman Returns
9) X-Men Origins - Wolverine
10) PoTC - all three.

Top Ten TV Series

1) Deadwood
2) Supernatural
3) Greys Anatomy
4) Lost
5) Frasier
6) Bones
7) Numbers
8) CSI
9) Angel
10) Firefly

Top Ten Songs
1) ALisha Keys/Jack White - Another Way to DIe (304)
2) Peter Gabriel - Down to Earth (298)
3) Rob Zombie - Dragula (255)
4) The Devlins - World Outside (236)
5) Bryn Christopher - The Quest (227)
6) KT Turnstall - Black Horse and Cherry Tree (219)
7) Adam Lambert - Feeling Good (208)
8) Serena Ryder - Doesn't Matter Anymore (207)
9) Filter - Hey man, Nice Shot (202)
10) Adam Lambert - Mad World (198)

Id like to do a top ten events, but my memory really isnt good enough for it.
I cant even really do top ten purchases.
I know I couldnt have gotten through this year, without my people - The Morrisons, the Trehearnes, the ROmeos, the Heiders. Weve dealt with horrible depression, fatal and non-fatal illnesses, hospitalizations, cars trying to die, the kids leaving infancy and gaining attitudes. My weight hasnt changed hardly an iota all year, and Ive once again watched more TV then I should have.

2010.... whatever you bring, Im not ready - but I know Ill survive.
This year, really could have been alot worse.

Woke up at 2AM

***~~~ Trigger warning - violence, mental ranting - consider yourself warned. ~~~***


The only thing keeping me from being who and what I want to be - is me, and my lack of discipline.
If I want to get up at 5AM every day, why dont I?
If I want to exercise, every day, why dont I?
If I want to cook/bake, every day, why dont I?

Because I am lazy and undisciplined.
Because I have put other things over this as priorities, due to mental illness and personal stupidity.

Im not reaching for the stars here - these are things I am *capable* of doing.
These are things I have done before.

Yes - Im trying to be perfect. No, I dont expect myself to succeed.
As long as there is a sense of humour, and my ever present "fatalistic optimism"... why shouldnt I try to be perfect?

I mean, *honestly* people? Weve so slandered the perfectionist in society today, that to even have an iota of self will puts you in a strange category with Martha Stewert and Stepford wives. Or worse, Miranda Preistly and the clacker brigade.

Im sorry if my desire to act, and do things, offends you. Im sorry if my constant grasping to be better, to be healthier, and to be more insults your own sense of being.
But this is who I am.

Yes, Im aware alot of this is *still* the whole "Daddy, please tell me Im good enough, mommy, please love me" horseshit.
Again though - if it motivates me to be a better person....
more peaceful, more relaxed, more satisfied, more of what *I* want to be...
how is this a bad thing?

See, I dont want to be the person they told me I should be. And maybe thats the real difference.
Im not doing what Dad would have wanted, or what mom would have wanted.
I know that Ill never get affirmation trying to be anything other than me.

So I want to be me, and I want affirmation on *that*.
This includes being obsessive compulsive about how I play computer games. This includes wanting to live a perfectly scheduled and organized life. This includes a desire to be healthy. This includes, most of the time, avoiding people for the most part (I just cannot handle the stupidity) and spending a great amount of time, stitching, baking, and reading the bible.

Yes, I should have been a nun. Or Amish.
I am aware of this.
Im coming to grips with the fact that I "chose poorly" with a few things.
Ive still got a pretty damn good life.
But its not the life I want to live.

But the life I *want* is not - dependent on the life I *have*... or rather, they arent mutually exclusive, or impossible to reconcile?
Believe it or not, they arent.

I think its important, that we try.
That we grab the happiness that *is* ours to grab, and throttle it till it bleeds.
(yes, I am still on my meds - but "healthy" enough that the violence is channeled in appropriate manners... if you dont like it, go sit on a bed of nails and just, yes.. let me see you roll over - face first.)

Think I need more yoga, less WoW at this point, you may be right *laughs*
But the things I imagine will always be a bit violent and sick. Im coming to grips with that too. Im thinking, that as long as its fictional, eternal, half demonic beings that shred the bodies of their loved ones and use them as Christmas garlands.... Im doing ok.
Since Im *not* an eternal, half demonic, fictional character, I will be content with hanging holly and tinsel. ((No, Dave, the glitter does *not* make the blood splatters festive...))

Maybe I should go back to bed?
yeah((2nd edit - if you can count how many movie refrences there are in this post, Ill send you a cookie!))

Curiosity killed the cat.

Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity.
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

or - ask me five questions yourself, in the comments.