Tonight

is day four of the migraine.
Its day three of barely being able to eat, blood sugar spikes and feeling generally sick.

Im pretty sure its all stress.
For the next three days... its all appt.

Tomorrow I am up at 5AM. Out the door by 8AM.
She has an appt at 9, an appt at 1030 and an appt at 1.

Tuesday, she has an appt at 1030, and an appt at noon.

Wednesday, its just one appt - but for the whole family, at 2.

There are appt. with Dr's, psychologists, social workers, speech pathologists, and occupational therapists.

On the surface, I think I look pretty damn calm and together. Underneath it all, Im about four seconds from a nervous breakdown, on the verge of tears, and unable to eat.

If I act - weird... or arnt around much, or - have stupid ideas, between now and the weekend? Just humour me, please?

Things I learned today -

1) People who get motion sick, should not go and see 3D movies.

2) Today's 3D - is *not* like the old 3D.

3) If you have "just a mild headache" going and seeing a 3D movie will bring on the most amazing migraine ever.

4) Massive amounts of suger do not help a migraine. And puking them up - even less fun.

5) Tim Burton can do *anything*. He has made musicals, kids movies, horrors, and even - inspirational "girls" movies.

6) Jonny Depp can do *anything*. He can even manage to makean asexual, mentally challenged, teetotaler with anger management issues seem not only charming and likable, but even *datable*.

7)Alan Rickman makes you want to trust *anybody* - of anything, with your life. From sociopathic murderer, to a blue caterpillar.

8) If life were a movie, I would be the villain. I need to quit whining about this, and embrace the innate ability to be eccentric, charming, and utterly fascinating. Its not a mask, nor is it a defense mechanism. Its simply what I am.

Dont hate me because I seem to be evil.

Update.

In the beginning of March, Eva goes for her 3 days of testing for Autism at the GlenRose Hospital.
Today, I started to notice that Jade is doing the hand flapping thing, characteristic of so many children with the same disorder.

I am - overwhelmed. I am - pained.
I dont think the disorders, with either of them, are so severe as to damage thier futures longterm, but just the fact that they will have to battle that much harder...

Its not fair.

I was reading through material online last night, about the Disorder, and noted that in children, a long time ago, it was often mistaken for schizophrenia. I have to double check, but I beleive my parents thought my mother was schizophrenic, when she was little. So this may have come from her.

All I know, is that it hurts.
I think, if I had known for sure? I wouldnt have had kids at all. Its not fair for them.
Am I glad they are here? Absolutely. Do I love them? All the more each day.
Would my life be better without them? Absolutely not.
I couldnot concieve of my life without them, and dont want to. They are my blessings, my joy, my - everything.

As unfair as it is, Im glad I didnt know.
Selfish - yes.
But Im a better person overall, for them being here.

Just praying that God gives me strength, as this goes on.

ch ch ch changes.......

I love this one - and yet I have no memory of them ever being that small together - I know it happened, but.... and yes, they do look alike *giggles*


Eva - "What is this thing and why is it smiling at me?"


Potty Training attempt #409
Jade - "Im just here for moral support"
because it was kinda requested....

Akivas First Playlist....

Another Way to Die Jack White & Alicia Keys
Good Morning Starshine Serena Ryder
Train In Vain Annie Lennox
Tell Me Billie Myers
Bad Romance Lady GaGa
Tell Me Something Good Pink
Rehab Amy Winehouse
Hit Me Up Gia Farrell
The Remedy (I Won't Worry) Jason Mraz
For Your Entertainment Adam Lambert
Witch Doctor Alvin & the Chipmunks/Chris Classic
Express Your Self Madonna
Ready for This (Intro)/Shooby Nicole C. Mullen
If I had a Million Dollars Bare Naked Ladies
Waterfalls T.L.C.
unbelievable Emf
Flawless (Go To The City) George Michael
Running on Sunshine Jesus Jackson
Don't Let Me Get Me Pink
Tick, Tick, Bang Prince
Livin' la Vida Loca Ricky Martin

now - to introduce her to Country *laughs*

So - this is the idea....

Instead of doing the devotional in the morning, when all I really want is to attack my day with my sword at my side... I want to do my devotional in the evening, so as I try to get to sleep, I have something other than "i need to cook a chicken tomorrow, and do three loads of laundry, oh, and which toon do I want to try to up one lvl tomorrow?" Going through my head.
this hopefully will bring along a sense of peace with it...
And in my personal faverate devotional book at this time, tonight's, my first day of attempting to start this new habit.... is just too awesome to keep to myself.

"We come to view Him as lenient, rather than Merciful. The difference is monumental. He does not casually dismiss our sin - See the cross as exhibit A. No. He forgives it. Knowing the difference has huge implications for us. When we see him as lenient, we will be casual about the things we do, just as we see Him being.We will take Him for granted, and never know the depths of His love..."

We are not spoiled children, who can just get away with anything. He loves us too much for that. We dont always get what we want. But, when we mess up, as we tend to do, hourly, sometimes more... Hes there. He doesnt just say "Oh well - your only human, doesnt matter" He comes along beside us and works with us, if we want him to.
Im not talking about "sin" here, really.
Im talking about the things we already do well.

For example, when I sing on my own, Im ok. When I work towards a performance, Im better. But if I were to really give myself to the talent he put in me, and ask Him to guide it, Im pretty sure that I would be 100 times better.

My writing, as well. His attitude towards that isnt just a shrug and a nod. But an intimate interest in every word I pen. Even if Im not proud of it, He still works with me to make me better at it. (although, right now, I almost feel like Im failing to explain how important this is for me, right now.)

I guess it comes down to the idea that I matter to Him. His mercy, doesnt leave room for apathy. Yes. Thats it exactly. Yet, Im free to be the miserable screw up I am, and always will be. *Because* of His mercy. Its all encompassing. All He asks of me is that I love Him. Nothing else. He will take care of the rest. And my whole life is a testimony to that fact - He always *has* looked after me.

But theres no sense of entitlement. No arrogance. I *am* chosen, loved, adored, and doted on by God. I know it. Anybody whos spent any amount of time around me, knows it.
And those same people, k now how much I do, think, and am, that - fails.
and *he* knows. and he *cares*...
but He forgives me anyways.

And thats just - the most amazing thing in the world.

Growing stupidity....

OK, Ill admit it. *hangs head in shame* I enter Readers Digest Sweepstakes.
I even *gasp* get a little excited about the prospect.

I look at it this way - for the price of a stamp, I at least stand a chance. And its cheaper then playing 649 - and better chances of winning too.

Today, we send in yet another letter, with fingers crossed.

So, I looked up on line, just to see what those chances are... And what I found, totally shocked me.

Now - Readers Digest is a business, just like any other. Their goal is to make money, not give it away. So of course, with their sweepstakes comes along massive amounts of mail to *buy* things.
You dont have to buy anything, to win. Thats pretty obvious. And of course, the lingo is all marketing technique and advertising
"Youve *already won*
Enter now, and this is yours"
blahblahblah

But apparently, not everybody feels the same way.
Apparently, people all over the world buy thousands of dollars worth of this merchandise, expecting it will help their chances of winning.
Apparently, the "fine print" - which is just that, fine print, is too small for people to read, so they dont. They just buy and buy and buy - and expect to win because they are buying.
Apparently, people have even tried to cash their fake checks that they send.

*scratches head*

In the States, *so* many people were "falling for thier slick advertising campaigns" That the government forced them to include a letter, explaining that they didnt have to buy to win, and what thier chances of winning actually were - blahblahblah - to protect thier people...

Can someone tell me... please....
what happened to "buyer beware"?

or even better...

In a country *run* on consumerism - why the government is spending massive amounts of money, backing a 6 million dollar lawsuit, against Readers Digest for "phony claims"?

Its called *advertising" and if thats the case, then Molson, and Budweiser, and Crest - had all better pony up the dough...

Me - Id like to believe that people are more intelligent than this.
That people actually have some understanding of the way the world around them works.
And all those people, who dont approve of the "communist" ideals of Free Health Care, and providing needs for those who cant afford them, would all sit back and realize, that it was that mindset, that they just fell prey to, themselves.
Yes, the Universe *does* kick back, occasionally, after youve spent a lifetime kicking it.
Get used to it.

gaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Excuse my while I go spend 37.. umm 41... whatever.. less than a dollar, to go and win 500 grand.
I doubt Ill win.
But the excitement while I wait is worth the few pennies.