So I stepped on the scale this morning. Ive been putting it off, because I *know* Ive put on more weight.
I didnt, however, expect to be up 20 pounds.
Thats right folks, as of this morning, I am 199.8.
Still only a size 14-16, but...
needless to say, Im going to the gym today.
I cant... I *wont* let the phrase "fat lazy whore" dictate my future.
Look - I know *most* of the people who read this blog are over that - but for one moment, step out of yourselves - and remember - that for *me* - this is a problem. I dont think anybody else is well - what my mother said about my mother...(and if you get that, then you do know me, and know..well - yeah...)
But this is where I am. And I feel - Its odd - Im so disappointed in myself, there really arent any words. Part of me just wants to hole up and never set foot outside again.
The other half of me wants to get my ass to the gym and just - live there. Not to work, but just to - shrink.
I *know* Im capable - and yes, I recognize that I should cut myself some slack, too - I know - Its not like these last few years have been easy. In fact, theyve really just been one massive transition of stress to another.
It can take years, just to get over a move. And I think Ive finally adjusted to that. And the babies...
but the mental handicaps? The vehicle changes? The job flux? Claytons work?
Compounded by the lack of friends? (Lisa, if you read this, you have *no* idea how much a treasure and value you - Star - you dont count *laughs* - your presence, unfortunately, is seriously taken for granted, and yes, as dependent on as someone is that you can take for granted, if you understand that - of course you do... you're *you*)
And yes, I know that 20 pounds, in light of recent things, - probably isnt even th at bad...
But Im me.
And I know that 5 years ago, I was a size 8 - almost down to 150...
And thats where I want to be
As soon as fucking possible.
Because you know what I *dont* need? On top of all the stress of kids starting school, me starting back at work, Tigger fighting to keep his own identity, and feeling enough pressure to play a fucking *game* that Im ready to quit altogether?
I dont need to feel like everybody is staring at me, thinking "She would be so attractive "if" - or "What happened to her" or "Shes let herself go so badly - I wonder why he stays with her"
Dont tell me people dont think it - I know they do.
this is my current "depression" - boxed and packaged.
yeah - prayers are appreciated, but not necessary.
and someday, Ill get into that rant.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Been a long time
but I guess its time for some picspam.
First of all, a story.
My husband was taking out the trash one evening, and watched a curious event. He watched as a car squeeled to a stop to aviod hitting something, the driver got out, picked up something from the road, threw it onto our front lawn, got up and left.
C went over to see what it was, already fairly sure that it was a dead cat, or bird. Something the driver had hit, then threw out of the way. To his absolute shock and amazement, he found a *very* fast moving turtle. SO fast moving in fact, that he had trouble catching it.
He brought it inside, and a few hours of fun began. First of all, we had to find a place to put it. Eventually, we figured the sand box out back, and set it down in there, where it began to do laps around the perimeter, and repeatedly end up on its back from consistent escape attempts.
After a bit of research, we found a number to call, and got animal services to come out to collect it. And I continued to do research as to what *kind* Of turtle it was.
Many photos were to follow, and a few pranks given, but over all, I think the turtle was fairly happy about its relocation and temperory home, and I continued to research.
Animal Control was there within a few hours, and they had to admit, it was probably the first time they had been called to pick up a stray *turtle*.
After a little while, I came to the conclusion that it had been a red eared slider. A particular brand of turtle that is quite common on the west coast, and not "precisely" legal to own, not being native to Canada at all. They grow to be rather large, and live to a very old age.
So imagine my surprise when Animal Control called me and said they had found it was an entirely different species of turtle... one that *is* common to our region, and - oddly, looks very little like the turtle we rescued.
But - will be far easier to convince to adopt.
Once again, I am convinced, - that people are idiots.
In other news, little sister went to Disneyland, and picked up Mickey ears for the kids, and we've almost finished our back to school shopping.
I also bought the Halloween costumes, - so watch for the future escapeds of the Romeo Vampire and the Strawberry Fairy. *grins*
First of all, a story.
My husband was taking out the trash one evening, and watched a curious event. He watched as a car squeeled to a stop to aviod hitting something, the driver got out, picked up something from the road, threw it onto our front lawn, got up and left.
C went over to see what it was, already fairly sure that it was a dead cat, or bird. Something the driver had hit, then threw out of the way. To his absolute shock and amazement, he found a *very* fast moving turtle. SO fast moving in fact, that he had trouble catching it.
He brought it inside, and a few hours of fun began. First of all, we had to find a place to put it. Eventually, we figured the sand box out back, and set it down in there, where it began to do laps around the perimeter, and repeatedly end up on its back from consistent escape attempts.
After a bit of research, we found a number to call, and got animal services to come out to collect it. And I continued to do research as to what *kind* Of turtle it was.
Many photos were to follow, and a few pranks given, but over all, I think the turtle was fairly happy about its relocation and temperory home, and I continued to research.
Animal Control was there within a few hours, and they had to admit, it was probably the first time they had been called to pick up a stray *turtle*.
After a little while, I came to the conclusion that it had been a red eared slider. A particular brand of turtle that is quite common on the west coast, and not "precisely" legal to own, not being native to Canada at all. They grow to be rather large, and live to a very old age.
So imagine my surprise when Animal Control called me and said they had found it was an entirely different species of turtle... one that *is* common to our region, and - oddly, looks very little like the turtle we rescued.
But - will be far easier to convince to adopt.
Once again, I am convinced, - that people are idiots.
In other news, little sister went to Disneyland, and picked up Mickey ears for the kids, and we've almost finished our back to school shopping.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Narcissics, Sociopaths, and Thieves......
Or Why the Church is the Most Dangerous Place on Earth
Lets talk about Bible College.
1) The people who decide to go, can easily be split into groups.
a) People who are forced by parental figures. These usually take one year party programs, and if it wasnt that they are usually being trained to go to another country for half the year, would seriously never see the end of their programs. They dont want to be there, so they have to make the programs as fun as possible, and in the mean time, try to get these people to see how "blessed" they really are - in other words "Behave, or youll end up like the people we are helping"
b) People who believe they are called by God. You could argue that this is the most dangerous group, but I dont think so. Most of these people might even *honestly* have a relationship with God. They usually want to help people, and whether self-deluded or not, they work hard, and are sincere. The problem here is that they (ok, us, I would put myself in this group) usually have some sort of agenda they honestly beleive is Gods, and push it - hard. Unfortunately, this can be easily coloured by personal experience and values, and we have a habit of becoming fanatical.
c) People who have been *told* they have a calling - and believed it. These people are *dangerous*. They are power mongers, slightly psychotic, and usually excellent manipulators. In the church, it can be hard to tell them apart from the first group, because these people are pros. Unfortunately, they will be the ones who usually go on to become your Pastors. They play the politics game far better then us earnest souls who just want to help.
So this is who you train to be your leaders - Party people, the self deluded, and the sociopaths.
2) Now, lets talk about the people who usually are *attracted* to church....
a) Addicts. These people probably make up the largest population. They need something in control of thier lives, so God appeals to them. As long as that God "wants them to be happy" they can then moralize any action they want.
b) People who like the manipulators... or are like them. The people who want the "happy shiny people" to be them. AS long as everything looks good, they are happy. These people are to some degree, stuck in the 50's. They want that "Perfect American Dream" and believe God can get them there. They seem to forget that during the 50's while they lived in thier little bubbles of white supremacy, there was segregation, mental asylums to hide your unwanteds in, and rampaging alcohol and drug abuse throughout the female populations.
c) People honestly seeking answers. Unfortunately, these people never stay long in a "church" setting. They are too self-aware. They see the hypocrisy and they see the abuse and they flee. And if they dont, they become the church scapegoat, the constant volunteer, and might well get kicked out of a congregation for being honest.
d) Gold diggers. People who honestly believe that a ragged, homeless Galilean who held a faith that told us that wealth wasn't to be found on this earth, will make them rich. In other words - the self-deluded and stupid.
Now, let me take this opportunity to tell you a bit about what church - should be?
A gathering of honest believers.
In any house. (this includes internet chat rooms, trust me)
SHaring, talking, singing - if the spirit moves them (and it might - Ive been caught up in that more then once unexpectedly)
Giving glory to their God, verbally, and in their hearts.
Thankful for the breath they share, the food they eat, and the small blessings and the everyday miracles - the divine ambushes, that let us know on a day to day basis, that there is a God who loves us.
there doesnt need to be a leader. If its real, God will give wisdom as He sees fit, to whomever needs it. (by the way, *real* "pastors" rise to the top in those situations - men and women so given to scripture and study and the Word, that they know a golden apple in a setting of silver when they see it)
People who are will hug, and cry, and sing, and laugh with you. Not manipulate your emotions with carefully timed acting.
Yes, acting.
From a surviving believer - after bible college (Its where you go to lose your faith, trust me)
If you get through all 4 years, to emerge on the other side, you have a degree in manipulation, and how to professionally present yourself to *anybody*. You are a consummate actor, able to talk and fit in with anybody. The only theology you learn, is laced with lessons of how to indoctrinate and brain wash the addicts, and the weak minded. this is why the drop out rate in Bible College is so extreme. the ones who survive are not the ones who honestly want to help - its the ones who honestly believe they are better then anybody else, who want a little kingdom of their own, and watch it grow.
Looking back, I can see which of my Professors understood this, and which were converts themselves. The ones who were warning us, and the ones who wanted to be "King of Kings" for themselves. The ones who honestly were "survivors" of the church, compared to the professional, ragged actors, who were holding on to thier ambitions in a place where the line "those who cant do - teach" is a truism like no other.
You know why I like Boondock Saints, so much?
Because it alludes so strongly to the fact that these are modern boys, who understand what it takes, to be willing to die for thier faith.
They drink, smoke, get stoned, swear - and yes, they kill.
But they have *unshakable* faith in a God who accepts nothing less then thier whole beings.
They get it.
And so do I.
I will never go back to church. Not the way it is now.
I know to much.
Lets talk about Bible College.
1) The people who decide to go, can easily be split into groups.
a) People who are forced by parental figures. These usually take one year party programs, and if it wasnt that they are usually being trained to go to another country for half the year, would seriously never see the end of their programs. They dont want to be there, so they have to make the programs as fun as possible, and in the mean time, try to get these people to see how "blessed" they really are - in other words "Behave, or youll end up like the people we are helping"
b) People who believe they are called by God. You could argue that this is the most dangerous group, but I dont think so. Most of these people might even *honestly* have a relationship with God. They usually want to help people, and whether self-deluded or not, they work hard, and are sincere. The problem here is that they (ok, us, I would put myself in this group) usually have some sort of agenda they honestly beleive is Gods, and push it - hard. Unfortunately, this can be easily coloured by personal experience and values, and we have a habit of becoming fanatical.
c) People who have been *told* they have a calling - and believed it. These people are *dangerous*. They are power mongers, slightly psychotic, and usually excellent manipulators. In the church, it can be hard to tell them apart from the first group, because these people are pros. Unfortunately, they will be the ones who usually go on to become your Pastors. They play the politics game far better then us earnest souls who just want to help.
So this is who you train to be your leaders - Party people, the self deluded, and the sociopaths.
2) Now, lets talk about the people who usually are *attracted* to church....
a) Addicts. These people probably make up the largest population. They need something in control of thier lives, so God appeals to them. As long as that God "wants them to be happy" they can then moralize any action they want.
b) People who like the manipulators... or are like them. The people who want the "happy shiny people" to be them. AS long as everything looks good, they are happy. These people are to some degree, stuck in the 50's. They want that "Perfect American Dream" and believe God can get them there. They seem to forget that during the 50's while they lived in thier little bubbles of white supremacy, there was segregation, mental asylums to hide your unwanteds in, and rampaging alcohol and drug abuse throughout the female populations.
c) People honestly seeking answers. Unfortunately, these people never stay long in a "church" setting. They are too self-aware. They see the hypocrisy and they see the abuse and they flee. And if they dont, they become the church scapegoat, the constant volunteer, and might well get kicked out of a congregation for being honest.
d) Gold diggers. People who honestly believe that a ragged, homeless Galilean who held a faith that told us that wealth wasn't to be found on this earth, will make them rich. In other words - the self-deluded and stupid.
Now, let me take this opportunity to tell you a bit about what church - should be?
A gathering of honest believers.
In any house. (this includes internet chat rooms, trust me)
SHaring, talking, singing - if the spirit moves them (and it might - Ive been caught up in that more then once unexpectedly)
Giving glory to their God, verbally, and in their hearts.
Thankful for the breath they share, the food they eat, and the small blessings and the everyday miracles - the divine ambushes, that let us know on a day to day basis, that there is a God who loves us.
there doesnt need to be a leader. If its real, God will give wisdom as He sees fit, to whomever needs it. (by the way, *real* "pastors" rise to the top in those situations - men and women so given to scripture and study and the Word, that they know a golden apple in a setting of silver when they see it)
People who are will hug, and cry, and sing, and laugh with you. Not manipulate your emotions with carefully timed acting.
Yes, acting.
From a surviving believer - after bible college (Its where you go to lose your faith, trust me)
If you get through all 4 years, to emerge on the other side, you have a degree in manipulation, and how to professionally present yourself to *anybody*. You are a consummate actor, able to talk and fit in with anybody. The only theology you learn, is laced with lessons of how to indoctrinate and brain wash the addicts, and the weak minded. this is why the drop out rate in Bible College is so extreme. the ones who survive are not the ones who honestly want to help - its the ones who honestly believe they are better then anybody else, who want a little kingdom of their own, and watch it grow.
Looking back, I can see which of my Professors understood this, and which were converts themselves. The ones who were warning us, and the ones who wanted to be "King of Kings" for themselves. The ones who honestly were "survivors" of the church, compared to the professional, ragged actors, who were holding on to thier ambitions in a place where the line "those who cant do - teach" is a truism like no other.
You know why I like Boondock Saints, so much?
Because it alludes so strongly to the fact that these are modern boys, who understand what it takes, to be willing to die for thier faith.
They drink, smoke, get stoned, swear - and yes, they kill.
But they have *unshakable* faith in a God who accepts nothing less then thier whole beings.
They get it.
And so do I.
I will never go back to church. Not the way it is now.
I know to much.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Because I am a Lemming
ABCs of me
A - Accent: a bit english.
B - Bra Size - *almost* a 36C - were working on it.
C - Chore I hate : Vacuuming.
D - Dad's name: umm take your pick - Ian, Scott, Clayton....
E - Essential make up - eyeliner and mascara
F - Favorite perfume: Chanel #5
G - Gold or Silver: Gold, allergic to silver
H - Hometown: Terrace, BC
I - Insomnia: semi-regularly
J - Job Title: Home Dictator
K - Kids: Eva and Jade
L - Living arrangments: Condo, kids, hubby and cat.
M - Mums birthplace: I *think* it was Kitimat BC, but it may have been Vancouver.
N - Number of apples eaten: Thousands, easily.
O - Overnight Hospital Stays: Illness when I was a kid, three days, two days with son, three with daughter.
P - Phobia: Spiders.
Q - Quest: Wisdom, but Ill take Sainthood
R - Religious affiliation: Messianic Jewish, but Ill take "Bible Based Christian" if thats too confusing
S - Siblings - umm.. Lori, (Half) Jan (its complicated), Casey (whether she likes it or not), Apryl (I miss her)
T - Time I wake up - Usually 6AM, then I go back to sleep untill 8, if I dont go anywhere.
U - Unnatural Hair colors you've worn - Fuchsia, Orange Crush orange, white blonde.
V - Vegetable I refuse to eat - Eggplant
W - Worst habit - late night snacking
X - X-Rays Ive had - head, back and stomach
Y - Yummy foods I make - Chocolate chip cookie squares, rum balls and slumgullion
Z - Zany Quirk - I prefer to stand then to sit - period.
A - Accent: a bit english.
B - Bra Size - *almost* a 36C - were working on it.
C - Chore I hate : Vacuuming.
D - Dad's name: umm take your pick - Ian, Scott, Clayton....
E - Essential make up - eyeliner and mascara
F - Favorite perfume: Chanel #5
G - Gold or Silver: Gold, allergic to silver
H - Hometown: Terrace, BC
I - Insomnia: semi-regularly
J - Job Title: Home Dictator
K - Kids: Eva and Jade
L - Living arrangments: Condo, kids, hubby and cat.
M - Mums birthplace: I *think* it was Kitimat BC, but it may have been Vancouver.
N - Number of apples eaten: Thousands, easily.
O - Overnight Hospital Stays: Illness when I was a kid, three days, two days with son, three with daughter.
P - Phobia: Spiders.
Q - Quest: Wisdom, but Ill take Sainthood
R - Religious affiliation: Messianic Jewish, but Ill take "Bible Based Christian" if thats too confusing
S - Siblings - umm.. Lori, (Half) Jan (its complicated), Casey (whether she likes it or not), Apryl (I miss her)
T - Time I wake up - Usually 6AM, then I go back to sleep untill 8, if I dont go anywhere.
U - Unnatural Hair colors you've worn - Fuchsia, Orange Crush orange, white blonde.
V - Vegetable I refuse to eat - Eggplant
W - Worst habit - late night snacking
X - X-Rays Ive had - head, back and stomach
Y - Yummy foods I make - Chocolate chip cookie squares, rum balls and slumgullion
Z - Zany Quirk - I prefer to stand then to sit - period.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Not to bury the last post....
but - this probably deserves its own.
What do you do when the truth as evidence, points to two possible, and very different outcomes?
Truth - The flood happened.
Truth - all cultures, are related.
Truth - all religions, all faiths, hold some basic underlying principles, that are undeniably interconnected.
So - either there is *one* truth, and just many interpretations and facets of that truth.
or
all truths are equally valid.
One of those options follows the concept of scripture.
One follows the ideas that scripture says are of the anti-christ, and how he will bring the whole world together for seven years of peace, before all hell quite literally breaks out.
Seven years of peace, is no small feat. The world is such a mess, I can see why people will flock.
But the more I study, and research. The more I learn about history, the more I see the inherent danger, even in my own writings.
The question is - do I continue?
How much do I want to know.
You know, Ive prayed for wisdom, all my life. I was just a child, not even a real beleiver, the first time I heard the story of Solomon, and realized that with enough wisdom, - everything else just follows. Honestly, I was reading a book and I was about 7 or 8, and it talked about how Solomon asked God for wisdom, instead of money, or power, and God gave him all the money, and all the power, *because* he asked for wisdom. And I got that. I mean I *really* got that.
But asking God for wisdom, means He has to put you through alot a shit. The rest of us, arent in Solomons position. We actually have to *learn* it. So life sucks, but you learn.
Ive poured ten years of my life into a story that upholds truth.
But that doesnt mean that people who read it will see the truth that I want them to see.
It doesnt matter how plainly its written, how obvious I think it is.
For Example. Zeus, Hades, and Posidon.
three brothers. the sons of Kronos, time.
Hades is cursed and thrown into hell to run it.
Posidon is given the sea to rule - this is important, if you understand the allusions.
Zeus, gets the earth.
Three brothers... the Sons of Noah.
Ham is cursed. Sent off on his own.
Shem, is told that his "greater" brother - Japeth, will dwell in *his* Tents forever. also - Father of the Jewish races.
Japeth, will rule over everything.
Now, if God just crushed the world in a great big flood....... and Shem/Posidon is the father of - water/Jews....
Now, you can say Im reaching for parallels that arent there. You can roll your eyes at me all you want.
But again, we are back to the chicken and the egg argument.
God says a bunch of things happen, and they happen.
Did it happen because he wrote it would happen, or did someone write it because it happened?
God cursed Hams whole race, and his "children" have pretty much gotten the shitty end of the stick ever since.
Did that happen because he was cursed, or did Moishe just read the writing on the wall, and say - yeah, theyre fucked... and write it?
Does it even matter?
If I do write this, and get this published, will people point to it and say "See - it doesnt matter, its alll the same" or will people look at it, and say "Wow, it all points to the same singular source....."
I dont know
And that really, really, *really* bothers me.
What do you do when the truth as evidence, points to two possible, and very different outcomes?
Truth - The flood happened.
Truth - all cultures, are related.
Truth - all religions, all faiths, hold some basic underlying principles, that are undeniably interconnected.
So - either there is *one* truth, and just many interpretations and facets of that truth.
or
all truths are equally valid.
One of those options follows the concept of scripture.
One follows the ideas that scripture says are of the anti-christ, and how he will bring the whole world together for seven years of peace, before all hell quite literally breaks out.
Seven years of peace, is no small feat. The world is such a mess, I can see why people will flock.
But the more I study, and research. The more I learn about history, the more I see the inherent danger, even in my own writings.
The question is - do I continue?
How much do I want to know.
You know, Ive prayed for wisdom, all my life. I was just a child, not even a real beleiver, the first time I heard the story of Solomon, and realized that with enough wisdom, - everything else just follows. Honestly, I was reading a book and I was about 7 or 8, and it talked about how Solomon asked God for wisdom, instead of money, or power, and God gave him all the money, and all the power, *because* he asked for wisdom. And I got that. I mean I *really* got that.
But asking God for wisdom, means He has to put you through alot a shit. The rest of us, arent in Solomons position. We actually have to *learn* it. So life sucks, but you learn.
Ive poured ten years of my life into a story that upholds truth.
But that doesnt mean that people who read it will see the truth that I want them to see.
It doesnt matter how plainly its written, how obvious I think it is.
For Example. Zeus, Hades, and Posidon.
three brothers. the sons of Kronos, time.
Hades is cursed and thrown into hell to run it.
Posidon is given the sea to rule - this is important, if you understand the allusions.
Zeus, gets the earth.
Three brothers... the Sons of Noah.
Ham is cursed. Sent off on his own.
Shem, is told that his "greater" brother - Japeth, will dwell in *his* Tents forever. also - Father of the Jewish races.
Japeth, will rule over everything.
Now, if God just crushed the world in a great big flood....... and Shem/Posidon is the father of - water/Jews....
Now, you can say Im reaching for parallels that arent there. You can roll your eyes at me all you want.
But again, we are back to the chicken and the egg argument.
God says a bunch of things happen, and they happen.
Did it happen because he wrote it would happen, or did someone write it because it happened?
God cursed Hams whole race, and his "children" have pretty much gotten the shitty end of the stick ever since.
Did that happen because he was cursed, or did Moishe just read the writing on the wall, and say - yeah, theyre fucked... and write it?
Does it even matter?
If I do write this, and get this published, will people point to it and say "See - it doesnt matter, its alll the same" or will people look at it, and say "Wow, it all points to the same singular source....."
I dont know
And that really, really, *really* bothers me.
Let me start here...
Yes, Im angry.
t myself, at my writing partner... but mostly at myself.
Oh, Im angry at Hollywood too, but mostly myself.
Schools for demi-gods? Yeah, I did it first.
Cain as a demonic black vampire? Yeah, that was me.
John Carpenter, Liv TYler, Will Smith, - hate to all break the news to you big names - but - your ideas *arent* as origanal as you think...
and you may have names that draw *billions* to the game, but you arent special and unique flowers.
Angst Inc was there first.
And if I could have just gotten off my lazy ass, and actually *written* it - I could have been the millionaire in question.... maybe.
Maybe.
And thats what irritates me the most, I think.
I once read that true humility, is *knowing* you could build the most amazing thing in the world - but rejoicing when someone else does it instead of you.
So - I *know* I could do it...but.....
Im not rejoicing.
Theres a movie coming out in 2011. I beleive its called I.M.Mortal. or some such shit.
Its sci fi - about some kind of demon hunter, who cant die.
Sci fi is a place we havent *quite* gone....but damnit
it was *my* idea first. Yes - it was *mine* Id like to play all sweet and nice, but its bullshit, Im sorry but - the ideas are mine. I pitch them to two other people, and either they get scripted out, or they dont. But the *ideas* are always mine.
SO yeah, when you just toss a full concept and written out story line away of mine, yeah - Im laughing my ass off at you. If you set your sights a bit higher, and wanted to work on it, Im pretty sure I could have made you a hell of a good paycheck with that one.
My "In Progress" folder has 15 started, but never revisited story ideas.
my "finished shorts" folder has 16 more. a misnomer if Ive ever had one, nothing in that folder is really finished - just, more ideas that could work into something, but I just didnt feel like working on it past that point.
I woke up with another great one. Expect it in theaters probably 2013.... a woman growing up in a forest setting, trying to preserve the area - they are right on the edge of the ocean, so its a coastal forest. Probably easily placed anywhere in the world. The house is mostly glass... but she ends up living in a cottage off to the side. I got a very strong "snow white retelling" vibe from it... but more focused on the environmental impact of clear cutting and animal rights.
there was a romance involved in there too... I wish I could remember more.... Snow White meets avatar....
yeah, that in and of itself is worth the exploration *laughs*
oh, and there was magic... and elephants. *shakes head*.
but the point is - Im angry. Im frustrated.
And I dont know what to do about it, because I really dont know what I can *do* about it.
*cries*
t myself, at my writing partner... but mostly at myself.
Oh, Im angry at Hollywood too, but mostly myself.
Schools for demi-gods? Yeah, I did it first.
Cain as a demonic black vampire? Yeah, that was me.
John Carpenter, Liv TYler, Will Smith, - hate to all break the news to you big names - but - your ideas *arent* as origanal as you think...
and you may have names that draw *billions* to the game, but you arent special and unique flowers.
Angst Inc was there first.
And if I could have just gotten off my lazy ass, and actually *written* it - I could have been the millionaire in question.... maybe.
Maybe.
And thats what irritates me the most, I think.
I once read that true humility, is *knowing* you could build the most amazing thing in the world - but rejoicing when someone else does it instead of you.
So - I *know* I could do it...but.....
Im not rejoicing.
Theres a movie coming out in 2011. I beleive its called I.M.Mortal. or some such shit.
Its sci fi - about some kind of demon hunter, who cant die.
Sci fi is a place we havent *quite* gone....but damnit
it was *my* idea first. Yes - it was *mine* Id like to play all sweet and nice, but its bullshit, Im sorry but - the ideas are mine. I pitch them to two other people, and either they get scripted out, or they dont. But the *ideas* are always mine.
SO yeah, when you just toss a full concept and written out story line away of mine, yeah - Im laughing my ass off at you. If you set your sights a bit higher, and wanted to work on it, Im pretty sure I could have made you a hell of a good paycheck with that one.
My "In Progress" folder has 15 started, but never revisited story ideas.
my "finished shorts" folder has 16 more. a misnomer if Ive ever had one, nothing in that folder is really finished - just, more ideas that could work into something, but I just didnt feel like working on it past that point.
I woke up with another great one. Expect it in theaters probably 2013.... a woman growing up in a forest setting, trying to preserve the area - they are right on the edge of the ocean, so its a coastal forest. Probably easily placed anywhere in the world. The house is mostly glass... but she ends up living in a cottage off to the side. I got a very strong "snow white retelling" vibe from it... but more focused on the environmental impact of clear cutting and animal rights.
there was a romance involved in there too... I wish I could remember more.... Snow White meets avatar....
yeah, that in and of itself is worth the exploration *laughs*
oh, and there was magic... and elephants. *shakes head*.
but the point is - Im angry. Im frustrated.
And I dont know what to do about it, because I really dont know what I can *do* about it.
*cries*
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Because my sister will find it interesting...
This meme is supposed to be done over 30 days, with Utube clips given for each song. but Ive seen how many of the people who started it, have finished it, and Im lousy at that kind of thing to start with, so we're just going to do it this way.
No one said you have to read it all....
Your favorite song - Currently - The Devlins "World Outside" of all time? thats a lot harder...but I think I have to go with "In The Hall of the Mountain King"
A song that makes you happy - Mmmmmmbop - Hanson
A song that makes you sad - Living Years - Mike and the Mechanics. As if the song wasnt sad enough on its own, It happened to be playing the morning of my mothers funeral on the radio. I remember very clearly standing in thier basement in Lake Cowichan, blinking back tears.
A song that reminds you of someone - *laughs* where do I start? Lets do"Dont Bring Me Down" by ELO. My sister used to play it alllll the time, and I have good memories of her dancing in the Living room of her house to it.
A song that reminds you of somewhere - Micheal Jackson "Thriller" will never not remind me of Vanderhoof.
A song that reminds you of a certain event - hmmmm.... oh! - "At the Beginning" Anastasia Soundtrack. It was our wedding song.
A song that you can dance to - "Smooth" - Santana
A song that makes you fall asleep - Consecration, Kyrie XIV - Father Godeherd Joppach. Every night for a few years, I would put in my Gregorian Chant tape, and fall asleep. Nothing made me haapier then finding it on itunes.
A song from your favorite band - fave band is a hard one to pin down, never mind a fave song from them. But I suppose I will have to say George Micheals. Id *like* to say Prince, but I cant think of anything hes done recently that I like... wheras at least George quit while he was ahead. The song would be "Through". Its managed to stay on my playlist longer and more consistently then any other song of his.
A song that no one would expect you to love - thats really hard. Everybody knows that I like all kinds of music, and hold no faves between genres, even. From Veggietales to Rob Zombie, From Ravel to Ramones... I kinda cover it all. But I think the fact that I can *still* sing word for word Alabamas "Roll on 18 Wheeler" is pretty remarkable. It also says something as to the effect and status my BIL has in my life. Its the only country album he ever bought me. And the man loves country.
A song that describes you - LMAO - lets go with Pink "Family Portrait"
A song from your favorite album - ugh... the day of the "album" really is over, so this is *hard*... but lets go with "What SUsan Said" by Rich Mullens, from the CD/Tape I have lost no less then 5 times... The World as Best as I remember it 2
A song that you listen to when you're angry - Its changed over the years, but for the last 10 or so, its always been "Not Meant for Me" by Wayne Static, from the Queen of the Damned Soundtrack.
A song that you listen to when you're happy - The Remedy (I wont worry) by Jason Miraz. I will always thank Star for turning me on to that one.
A song that you listen to when you're sad - "It Doesnt Matter anymore - Serena Ryder"
"System" by Chester Bennington, from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack is another that deserves honorable mention there too...aalthough, its an "angry/sad" song.
A song that you want to play at your wedding - Well, Ive already mentioned my wedding song....but "Better Days" from the Boondock Saints Soundtrack needs to be played at every wedding reception, I think.
A song that you want to play at your funeral - Lots of these...Into the West is overdone, but I adore it (Annie Lennox, Return of the King Soundtrack) Obviously, my fave hymns... Amazing Grace, In the Garden, Days of Elijah (if that counts as a hymn).. and yes, I would love to have "I wanna be sedated" by the Ramones played... but, I think... hmmm... yes - "Heal my Soul" and "Beleive" by Savatage, both have to be there. Above any other.
A song that makes you laugh - Ive already used Mmmbop... So - "They're coming to take me Away" by Napolian XIV.
A song that turns you on - another hard call.... but lets Go with "Freak'90, " George Micheals
A song you've listened to after a break-up- Ive only been dumped once, and it wasnt the biggest heartache in the world... but I suppose "Careless WHisper" still reminds me of "the one who got away"?
A song that gives you shivers - not many of those. But I think "Stay" by Shakesperes Sister, is it.
A song you can't help but air-jam to - Absolute no-brianer here... too bad at the moment I cant remember the song *laughs* - but its a rock and roll classic... They talk about how great the R&R genre is is.... *headdesk*... love the song though...
Your least favorite song -Im not sure I have one... but Im going to go with "Hit me baby one more time" Brittney SPears" cancel that - lets go with "Im too Sexy" by Right Said Fred
A song you know all the words to - Lots of those.... but the first honor goes to "New York, New York"
A song from a band you hate - *laughs* a band I hate..... thats another hard find...but lets go with "Losing my Religion", by REM. Im just *not* an REM fan.
A song that's a guilty pleasure "I Love the Dead" Alice Cooper. Also, makes me giggle like a mad woman.
A song you used to love but now hate - No contest - "Unskinny Bop" Poison. (you can stop laughing now Jan - honestly, or your going lose consciousness)
A song you wish you could play - hmmm thats *tough* - alot of amazing bass riffs out there that made me choose that instrument. lets go with "Temptation" Tea Party.
A song from your childhood "Bolero" Ravel. My mother loved Figure Skating, and Ive never forgotten that epic win to that song.
Your favorite song this time, last year. - Alicia Keys and Jack White "Another Way to Die"
No one said you have to read it all....
Your favorite song - Currently - The Devlins "World Outside" of all time? thats a lot harder...but I think I have to go with "In The Hall of the Mountain King"
A song that makes you happy - Mmmmmmbop - Hanson
A song that makes you sad - Living Years - Mike and the Mechanics. As if the song wasnt sad enough on its own, It happened to be playing the morning of my mothers funeral on the radio. I remember very clearly standing in thier basement in Lake Cowichan, blinking back tears.
A song that reminds you of someone - *laughs* where do I start? Lets do"Dont Bring Me Down" by ELO. My sister used to play it alllll the time, and I have good memories of her dancing in the Living room of her house to it.
A song that reminds you of somewhere - Micheal Jackson "Thriller" will never not remind me of Vanderhoof.
A song that reminds you of a certain event - hmmmm.... oh! - "At the Beginning" Anastasia Soundtrack. It was our wedding song.
A song that you can dance to - "Smooth" - Santana
A song that makes you fall asleep - Consecration, Kyrie XIV - Father Godeherd Joppach. Every night for a few years, I would put in my Gregorian Chant tape, and fall asleep. Nothing made me haapier then finding it on itunes.
A song from your favorite band - fave band is a hard one to pin down, never mind a fave song from them. But I suppose I will have to say George Micheals. Id *like* to say Prince, but I cant think of anything hes done recently that I like... wheras at least George quit while he was ahead. The song would be "Through". Its managed to stay on my playlist longer and more consistently then any other song of his.
A song that no one would expect you to love - thats really hard. Everybody knows that I like all kinds of music, and hold no faves between genres, even. From Veggietales to Rob Zombie, From Ravel to Ramones... I kinda cover it all. But I think the fact that I can *still* sing word for word Alabamas "Roll on 18 Wheeler" is pretty remarkable. It also says something as to the effect and status my BIL has in my life. Its the only country album he ever bought me. And the man loves country.
A song that describes you - LMAO - lets go with Pink "Family Portrait"
A song from your favorite album - ugh... the day of the "album" really is over, so this is *hard*... but lets go with "What SUsan Said" by Rich Mullens, from the CD/Tape I have lost no less then 5 times... The World as Best as I remember it 2
A song that you listen to when you're angry - Its changed over the years, but for the last 10 or so, its always been "Not Meant for Me" by Wayne Static, from the Queen of the Damned Soundtrack.
A song that you listen to when you're happy - The Remedy (I wont worry) by Jason Miraz. I will always thank Star for turning me on to that one.
A song that you listen to when you're sad - "It Doesnt Matter anymore - Serena Ryder"
"System" by Chester Bennington, from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack is another that deserves honorable mention there too...aalthough, its an "angry/sad" song.
A song that you want to play at your wedding - Well, Ive already mentioned my wedding song....but "Better Days" from the Boondock Saints Soundtrack needs to be played at every wedding reception, I think.
A song that you want to play at your funeral - Lots of these...Into the West is overdone, but I adore it (Annie Lennox, Return of the King Soundtrack) Obviously, my fave hymns... Amazing Grace, In the Garden, Days of Elijah (if that counts as a hymn).. and yes, I would love to have "I wanna be sedated" by the Ramones played... but, I think... hmmm... yes - "Heal my Soul" and "Beleive" by Savatage, both have to be there. Above any other.
A song that makes you laugh - Ive already used Mmmbop... So - "They're coming to take me Away" by Napolian XIV.
A song that turns you on - another hard call.... but lets Go with "Freak'90, " George Micheals
A song you've listened to after a break-up- Ive only been dumped once, and it wasnt the biggest heartache in the world... but I suppose "Careless WHisper" still reminds me of "the one who got away"?
A song that gives you shivers - not many of those. But I think "Stay" by Shakesperes Sister, is it.
A song you can't help but air-jam to - Absolute no-brianer here... too bad at the moment I cant remember the song *laughs* - but its a rock and roll classic... They talk about how great the R&R genre is is.... *headdesk*... love the song though...
Your least favorite song -
A song you know all the words to - Lots of those.... but the first honor goes to "New York, New York"
A song from a band you hate - *laughs* a band I hate..... thats another hard find...but lets go with "Losing my Religion", by REM. Im just *not* an REM fan.
A song that's a guilty pleasure "I Love the Dead" Alice Cooper. Also, makes me giggle like a mad woman.
A song you used to love but now hate - No contest - "Unskinny Bop" Poison. (you can stop laughing now Jan - honestly, or your going lose consciousness)
A song you wish you could play - hmmm thats *tough* - alot of amazing bass riffs out there that made me choose that instrument. lets go with "Temptation" Tea Party.
A song from your childhood "Bolero" Ravel. My mother loved Figure Skating, and Ive never forgotten that epic win to that song.
Your favorite song this time, last year. - Alicia Keys and Jack White "Another Way to Die"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)