Woke up at 2AM

***~~~ Trigger warning - violence, mental ranting - consider yourself warned. ~~~***


The only thing keeping me from being who and what I want to be - is me, and my lack of discipline.
If I want to get up at 5AM every day, why dont I?
If I want to exercise, every day, why dont I?
If I want to cook/bake, every day, why dont I?

Because I am lazy and undisciplined.
Because I have put other things over this as priorities, due to mental illness and personal stupidity.

Im not reaching for the stars here - these are things I am *capable* of doing.
These are things I have done before.

Yes - Im trying to be perfect. No, I dont expect myself to succeed.
As long as there is a sense of humour, and my ever present "fatalistic optimism"... why shouldnt I try to be perfect?

I mean, *honestly* people? Weve so slandered the perfectionist in society today, that to even have an iota of self will puts you in a strange category with Martha Stewert and Stepford wives. Or worse, Miranda Preistly and the clacker brigade.

Im sorry if my desire to act, and do things, offends you. Im sorry if my constant grasping to be better, to be healthier, and to be more insults your own sense of being.
But this is who I am.

Yes, Im aware alot of this is *still* the whole "Daddy, please tell me Im good enough, mommy, please love me" horseshit.
Again though - if it motivates me to be a better person....
more peaceful, more relaxed, more satisfied, more of what *I* want to be...
how is this a bad thing?

See, I dont want to be the person they told me I should be. And maybe thats the real difference.
Im not doing what Dad would have wanted, or what mom would have wanted.
I know that Ill never get affirmation trying to be anything other than me.

So I want to be me, and I want affirmation on *that*.
This includes being obsessive compulsive about how I play computer games. This includes wanting to live a perfectly scheduled and organized life. This includes a desire to be healthy. This includes, most of the time, avoiding people for the most part (I just cannot handle the stupidity) and spending a great amount of time, stitching, baking, and reading the bible.

Yes, I should have been a nun. Or Amish.
I am aware of this.
Im coming to grips with the fact that I "chose poorly" with a few things.
Ive still got a pretty damn good life.
But its not the life I want to live.

But the life I *want* is not - dependent on the life I *have*... or rather, they arent mutually exclusive, or impossible to reconcile?
Believe it or not, they arent.

I think its important, that we try.
That we grab the happiness that *is* ours to grab, and throttle it till it bleeds.
(yes, I am still on my meds - but "healthy" enough that the violence is channeled in appropriate manners... if you dont like it, go sit on a bed of nails and just, yes.. let me see you roll over - face first.)

Think I need more yoga, less WoW at this point, you may be right *laughs*
But the things I imagine will always be a bit violent and sick. Im coming to grips with that too. Im thinking, that as long as its fictional, eternal, half demonic beings that shred the bodies of their loved ones and use them as Christmas garlands.... Im doing ok.
Since Im *not* an eternal, half demonic, fictional character, I will be content with hanging holly and tinsel. ((No, Dave, the glitter does *not* make the blood splatters festive...))

Maybe I should go back to bed?
yeah((2nd edit - if you can count how many movie refrences there are in this post, Ill send you a cookie!))

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