It was short, and both kids were tired and miserable while we were there, which made things difficult.
The diagnosis, of course, was no surprised for us. Akiva is a "high functioning autistic"
Thankfully, they do not beleive she suffers from FASD. And from what was mentioned during that meeting, I dont beleive Jade does either - or if he *does* its very, very minor.
So a great deal of my guilt has been lifted.
As of this morning, I have found a first choice, and a second choice program for her.
Im already working on contacting my first choice, as they could even take Jade in September.
Im a very, very happy woman *laughs*.
Now - a sharp learning curve, in how to help my daughter the best I can.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Day 2 review...
Yesterday was easier on Akiva, and harder on me.
The Dr. appt was three people, all giving me questions - minute details about how she lives that just about drove me crazy. There was the pediatrician, the intern in her last year, and the med student in her last year.
They also scored her for FAS.
So - I am the ultimate in selfish bitch. I destroyed my childrens lives, even before they got started. I didnt consider how much I could damage them, I thought only of myself. And I will spend the rest of my life paying for that - and so will they.
Dealing with that - Im not sure Ill ever quite hit the forgiveness there.
The autism, well - yeah
maybe I should have kept my word - maybe I shouldnt have had kids at all.
But in moments when I am truthful - at least to myself, I wanted children. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I prayed for it. When I was alone, and throwing up sick because if I had to deal with work, for one more day, I was going to lose my mind.
I finally cried this morning - not long, but I did.
What really got to me, was the Social Worker appt.
One of the questions she asked, and Im supposeing has to ask, is "How hard will be for you, tomorrow, if you learn that Akiva is autistic?"
I thought about that for a moment...
Akiva, has been showing signs of autism, since she was old enough to function.
Shes obviously a high functioning autistic, but - never the less, thats there.
Telling me she is autistic, does not give her the desiese. She isnt coming in without it, and leaving with it.
That label, or title, is simply a signpoint on the road - a detour thats slightly more scenic through childhood. It tells us that she needs a different road - maybe a different vehicle to handle it. It tells us how to handle it, and gives us the knowledge that the road *is* going to be different.
How is that a bad thing?
I guess some parents freak out. Hearing it, is hard for them.
Just like alot of parents, want people to come into thier homes and manage thier children for them - teach them, guide them.
Me - I want to learn how to do it myself. Parenting is *my* job - and I want to be the best parent I can for them Now.
I fucked up thier lives - I owe them that much. At the very least.
It wont make it right, but at least they will know that I never gave up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After the appt, I went to pick up Jade. I wanted to chat with Lisa, whos been down this road. I wanted to defrag my mind.
Trish was there.
She just sat there, and smiled at me.
I wanted to scream at her. Vent every ounce of my rage at her.
"How dare you? How dare you sit there and smile at me, when you abandoned me in one of the worst moments of my life? I was alone, sick, with a dying parent. I was pregnant, and dealing with life changes that I had no precedent for. And you just walked away. And now you sit there, and fucking smirk at me while your two perfectly healthy children play and talk and do all these normal things... "
"you could have helped me - you could have been a support for me, and instead, you watched from a distance while my life fucking fell apart."
I think - I hate them. Im not used to hating people. There have been multiple people who have hurt me, and I havent liked them.... but I didnt really *know* them, either.
But these people?
*sighs* These people who really, I need to forgive and let go of? So *I* dont become poisoned with bitterness and cancer of the soul?
Yeah, right now - I hate them.
So thats me today - filled with anger and rage and self loathing.
I will eventually get over it
but for today - thats me.
The Dr. appt was three people, all giving me questions - minute details about how she lives that just about drove me crazy. There was the pediatrician, the intern in her last year, and the med student in her last year.
They also scored her for FAS.
So - I am the ultimate in selfish bitch. I destroyed my childrens lives, even before they got started. I didnt consider how much I could damage them, I thought only of myself. And I will spend the rest of my life paying for that - and so will they.
Dealing with that - Im not sure Ill ever quite hit the forgiveness there.
The autism, well - yeah
maybe I should have kept my word - maybe I shouldnt have had kids at all.
But in moments when I am truthful - at least to myself, I wanted children. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I prayed for it. When I was alone, and throwing up sick because if I had to deal with work, for one more day, I was going to lose my mind.
I finally cried this morning - not long, but I did.
What really got to me, was the Social Worker appt.
One of the questions she asked, and Im supposeing has to ask, is "How hard will be for you, tomorrow, if you learn that Akiva is autistic?"
I thought about that for a moment...
Akiva, has been showing signs of autism, since she was old enough to function.
Shes obviously a high functioning autistic, but - never the less, thats there.
Telling me she is autistic, does not give her the desiese. She isnt coming in without it, and leaving with it.
That label, or title, is simply a signpoint on the road - a detour thats slightly more scenic through childhood. It tells us that she needs a different road - maybe a different vehicle to handle it. It tells us how to handle it, and gives us the knowledge that the road *is* going to be different.
How is that a bad thing?
I guess some parents freak out. Hearing it, is hard for them.
Just like alot of parents, want people to come into thier homes and manage thier children for them - teach them, guide them.
Me - I want to learn how to do it myself. Parenting is *my* job - and I want to be the best parent I can for them Now.
I fucked up thier lives - I owe them that much. At the very least.
It wont make it right, but at least they will know that I never gave up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After the appt, I went to pick up Jade. I wanted to chat with Lisa, whos been down this road. I wanted to defrag my mind.
Trish was there.
She just sat there, and smiled at me.
I wanted to scream at her. Vent every ounce of my rage at her.
"How dare you? How dare you sit there and smile at me, when you abandoned me in one of the worst moments of my life? I was alone, sick, with a dying parent. I was pregnant, and dealing with life changes that I had no precedent for. And you just walked away. And now you sit there, and fucking smirk at me while your two perfectly healthy children play and talk and do all these normal things... "
"you could have helped me - you could have been a support for me, and instead, you watched from a distance while my life fucking fell apart."
I think - I hate them. Im not used to hating people. There have been multiple people who have hurt me, and I havent liked them.... but I didnt really *know* them, either.
But these people?
*sighs* These people who really, I need to forgive and let go of? So *I* dont become poisoned with bitterness and cancer of the soul?
Yeah, right now - I hate them.
So thats me today - filled with anger and rage and self loathing.
I will eventually get over it
but for today - thats me.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day 1 review....
argh - just a word, first ... threatening, panic attack inspiring letters when you are *4* days late on payment - so very not cool
I understand if you are two weeks late - ok, even a week - drop me a call...
but 4 days? and demanding 3 times the minimum payment in your scary letter?
Im sorry, I have a right to blow a gasket.
Its just not right, or fair.
ok - Im almost calm enough now to deal with yes..
*sighs*
Dropping Jade off at my friends was highly entertaining. They have a very large, energetic puppy. hes about the same size as Jade. And we learned something - When Eva gets sacred, leaving Jade in the scary place is not a good idea.
She screamed for a good 15 minutes for him, by name, and seemed absolutely sure that the giant monster was going devour her little brother. It broke my heart.
Then we get to the hospital, and wonder around trying to find where we are supposed to be. I think the designers of the Glenrose Hospital watched one too many showings of Labyrinth, personally, but thats just me.
The first two tests were done together, so it was a slightly longer process in one shot, but shorter overall. One of the ladies testing her was a woman I had worked with at Spalady, so it was nice to have a familiar face there. But the tests - *sighs*
One toy after another - they put it in front of her, see if she can figure it out, or play with it, and then take it away from her. They try to give her directions on how to do things she doesnt understand.
Well - I learned a few things with my daughter by the time she was about 6 months old.
1) You cant tell her what to do. She will scream and cry and freak out at you.
2) If you take away a toy she likes to redirect her - see above.
For two hours - thats what they did.
Then they gave us a ten minute break, and went back to doing it again, with a different lady...
for another hour and a half.
By the time Eva was done, she was a sweet, confused, broken little thing.
I just wanted to cuddle her for the next 24 hours.
But today, we go back to it.
Oh, and when I went to pick up Jade? He had been a perfect angel all day.
I *wish*.
*laughs*
Why cant he do that for mommy?
It was like watching her get emotionally and mentally tortured for three hours.
and having to smile and enjoy it
I was never so glad when I could come home, and kill things in WoW for a few hours.
It made me - well - it at least released alot of the pressure.
Today, is the Dr, and the social worker.
we are almost done.
I understand if you are two weeks late - ok, even a week - drop me a call...
but 4 days? and demanding 3 times the minimum payment in your scary letter?
Im sorry, I have a right to blow a gasket.
Its just not right, or fair.
ok - Im almost calm enough now to deal with yes..
*sighs*
Dropping Jade off at my friends was highly entertaining. They have a very large, energetic puppy. hes about the same size as Jade. And we learned something - When Eva gets sacred, leaving Jade in the scary place is not a good idea.
She screamed for a good 15 minutes for him, by name, and seemed absolutely sure that the giant monster was going devour her little brother. It broke my heart.
Then we get to the hospital, and wonder around trying to find where we are supposed to be. I think the designers of the Glenrose Hospital watched one too many showings of Labyrinth, personally, but thats just me.
The first two tests were done together, so it was a slightly longer process in one shot, but shorter overall. One of the ladies testing her was a woman I had worked with at Spalady, so it was nice to have a familiar face there. But the tests - *sighs*
One toy after another - they put it in front of her, see if she can figure it out, or play with it, and then take it away from her. They try to give her directions on how to do things she doesnt understand.
Well - I learned a few things with my daughter by the time she was about 6 months old.
1) You cant tell her what to do. She will scream and cry and freak out at you.
2) If you take away a toy she likes to redirect her - see above.
For two hours - thats what they did.
Then they gave us a ten minute break, and went back to doing it again, with a different lady...
for another hour and a half.
By the time Eva was done, she was a sweet, confused, broken little thing.
I just wanted to cuddle her for the next 24 hours.
But today, we go back to it.
Oh, and when I went to pick up Jade? He had been a perfect angel all day.
I *wish*.
*laughs*
Why cant he do that for mommy?
It was like watching her get emotionally and mentally tortured for three hours.
and having to smile and enjoy it
I was never so glad when I could come home, and kill things in WoW for a few hours.
It made me - well - it at least released alot of the pressure.
Today, is the Dr, and the social worker.
we are almost done.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Tonight
is day four of the migraine.
Its day three of barely being able to eat, blood sugar spikes and feeling generally sick.
Im pretty sure its all stress.
For the next three days... its all appt.
Tomorrow I am up at 5AM. Out the door by 8AM.
She has an appt at 9, an appt at 1030 and an appt at 1.
Tuesday, she has an appt at 1030, and an appt at noon.
Wednesday, its just one appt - but for the whole family, at 2.
There are appt. with Dr's, psychologists, social workers, speech pathologists, and occupational therapists.
On the surface, I think I look pretty damn calm and together. Underneath it all, Im about four seconds from a nervous breakdown, on the verge of tears, and unable to eat.
If I act - weird... or arnt around much, or - have stupid ideas, between now and the weekend? Just humour me, please?
Its day three of barely being able to eat, blood sugar spikes and feeling generally sick.
Im pretty sure its all stress.
For the next three days... its all appt.
Tomorrow I am up at 5AM. Out the door by 8AM.
She has an appt at 9, an appt at 1030 and an appt at 1.
Tuesday, she has an appt at 1030, and an appt at noon.
Wednesday, its just one appt - but for the whole family, at 2.
There are appt. with Dr's, psychologists, social workers, speech pathologists, and occupational therapists.
On the surface, I think I look pretty damn calm and together. Underneath it all, Im about four seconds from a nervous breakdown, on the verge of tears, and unable to eat.
If I act - weird... or arnt around much, or - have stupid ideas, between now and the weekend? Just humour me, please?
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Things I learned today -
1) People who get motion sick, should not go and see 3D movies.
2) Today's 3D - is *not* like the old 3D.
3) If you have "just a mild headache" going and seeing a 3D movie will bring on the most amazing migraine ever.
4) Massive amounts of suger do not help a migraine. And puking them up - even less fun.
5) Tim Burton can do *anything*. He has made musicals, kids movies, horrors, and even - inspirational "girls" movies.
6) Jonny Depp can do *anything*. He can even manage to makean asexual, mentally challenged, teetotaler with anger management issues seem not only charming and likable, but even *datable*.
7)Alan Rickman makes you want to trust *anybody* - of anything, with your life. From sociopathic murderer, to a blue caterpillar.
8) If life were a movie, I would be the villain. I need to quit whining about this, and embrace the innate ability to be eccentric, charming, and utterly fascinating. Its not a mask, nor is it a defense mechanism. Its simply what I am.
Dont hate me because I seem to be evil.
2) Today's 3D - is *not* like the old 3D.
3) If you have "just a mild headache" going and seeing a 3D movie will bring on the most amazing migraine ever.
4) Massive amounts of suger do not help a migraine. And puking them up - even less fun.
5) Tim Burton can do *anything*. He has made musicals, kids movies, horrors, and even - inspirational "girls" movies.
6) Jonny Depp can do *anything*. He can even manage to makean asexual, mentally challenged, teetotaler with anger management issues seem not only charming and likable, but even *datable*.
7)Alan Rickman makes you want to trust *anybody* - of anything, with your life. From sociopathic murderer, to a blue caterpillar.
8) If life were a movie, I would be the villain. I need to quit whining about this, and embrace the innate ability to be eccentric, charming, and utterly fascinating. Its not a mask, nor is it a defense mechanism. Its simply what I am.
Dont hate me because I seem to be evil.
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