Losing Interest....

in Warcraft, in amongst other things. Im down to about one quest a day. Its just - such mindless button punching to me. Perhaps this is a sign that my depression is lifting, I want to *do* things, rather than just sit here and stare at a screen for hours. Actually *interact* with people, instead of just typing a couple of non-specifics to people I barely know each day.
Movies... oh I *love* movies, dont get me wrong - but - ugh. Its all the same old thing, over and over and over. Even the most innovative ones bore me on plot. How many ways are there to save the princess, save the world, get the guy/girl, or have a happy ending? I once read that there really are only 7 original plots in the world... Im beginning to believe them.

My house is becoming sparser and sparser for decoration. Again, losing interest. Ive always called such things "dust-collectors" but they are also money burners. I really dont understand the point of buying things that just sit and look pretty. (not when the view outside my window is infinitely more interesting day by day - trees, sky, grass...) ((Or for that matter, the backdrops on my computer - no money, no space taken up, no dust, just *pretty*))

Tigger got me a new screen for my computer. It wasnt so much that I needed one - the old one worked fine. However... the new one is a flat panel, the old was still a tube, so this takes up far less space and collects *less* dust (yes, this makes me giggle) and the 23" wide screen (soooo shiny) well - for movies and yes, for when I do play WoW... its *amazing*.

I miss the days, I really do - when I owned nothing. These movies, and things, and screens - as nice as they are... they tie me to a place. I dont like that. I think its why Ive become an obsessive box collector now. Oh, they are all pretty, nicely sized boxes (Ikea, mostly) but Ive found a minor amount of peace in keeping a great amount of things "boxed" up and out of view. Ready for that move. Ready to be handed off to someone else. Ready to disappear.
Or at least - it makes them disappear out of my mind. Boxed away, I ont have to worry about "owning" them. and if after a period of time, we have discovered we didnt miss them, than Im *pretty* bloody sure we wont. Period. Its like a trial run on downsizing.

Perhaps thats *my* reaction to fear. Instead of buying things, I purge. Social anomaly. Maybe an extreme "flight" reaction - or is it really a "fight" reaction? Certianly, its a fight against a cultural norm.

Speaking of culture.....
Over the last few days, Ive been unable to stop giggling over a particular mental image.
Personified countries... THe U.S. and Canada as younger, probably mid teens types. West and Eastern Europe as older, semi-retired people. West and East are relaxed, sitting on thier porch, sipping fine red wines, looking at theUS and Canada, who are in less than new, almost ratty, once designer clothes, starting to look a little lean...
The caption to this little picture always reads something along the lines of "Welcome to the Dark Ages. Survive this, and you can eat with the adults."

11 Years.

Eleven Years of learning, teaching, and laughing.
Eleven years of tears, stress, and struggle.
Eleven years, that has culminated in 2 children, 2 cars, and 1 house.
And one strong love that is starting to look a bit weathered, but all the stronger for the abuse.
Children have strengthened our relationship, not weakened it.
After 11 years, we are slowly starting to work together for the same goal.
We are growing together in so many new ways.

It is not perfect. No "perfect" thing ever is.
It is real, it is strong.
11 Years, and all I notice is that more and more of the good looking movie stars all seem to look like him *laughs*
He is the man of my dreams, even now.

11 Years today, I began a journey with an amazing man, and today I thank God and all the fates that it isnt over yet!

I just realized something...

Its easy to "become" something.
But so very hard to "be".

You become a student - but being one is - long and hard.
You become a wife - even longer and harder to be.
You become a mother.
But to really "be" a mother.

We all define these "beings" as something different - but even to live up to your own definition....

To become, - it requires no change, no work. You can "become" something overnight. Simply because you decide to.
To "be" however, calls in levels of integrity, and dedication, and even reputation.
It takes time.
It takes change.

People are always "becoming" movie stars, rock stars, policemen, teachers...
But "being" those things - few and far between are the ones who succeed.

What you have been, doesnt always determine what you will be.
What you are today, doesnt dictate what you are tomorrow.
What you wanted to become, doesnt equal what you will be.

Just a thought.

I know, I know....

Its been a while.
But life, is life, and a good deal of the time, I really cant be bothered to find the time to write here.
Jade is walking, almost running. Getting into everything and falling down constantly. He has this adorable habit of tilting his head and peering at you from a distance as if he is considering his next move. He is still as cuddly as ever, and hes very attuned to others emotions as well. We have decided that his overwhelming skill set will be "people person".
Akiva is in those "terrible twos" for sure, and *her* strong willed, management type personality does *not* help. She still spends a great deal of time sorting things out, moving things around... but she does have an imagination. Her latest thing is mimicking movies. Kung Fu Panda is her current favorite. She will make the Kung Fu noises along with the characters, and will even "hit" ou if you are sitting next to her. In any movie she knows, if the characters are having an argument, she will come up to you and start giving you a very "angry" lecture - and best of all - if there is a tender moment, or a "hold you in my arms while you die" moment, she will grab her lion teddy bear (who was *finally* named "Shi-fu" simply for this reason) and stroke its face and hair and talk ever so tenderly to it.
Jade has not yet formed an attachment to any object other than myself. Eva still will go nowhere without her "bee-ca". She *can* say "Blanket" but - the bee-ca, will *always just be "bee-ca".

I am - doing better, I guess. Still taking lots of anti-depressants, but, It could be worse. My energy is slowly returning (going to the gym today *yay!*) and most days, I dont need a nap anymore. My mood is fairly stable, and honestly, I thank a good healthy dose of zen Buddhism for the change. Sometimes, I find it more "Christian" than a great deal of the Christian writers of our time. (although I still recommend anyone to read Buchanan, and Lewis, of course)

I have a site now dedicated just to my "rants against society" or however you wish to see it. Theres only one there now, but more will be coming. If you want the link, to suffer through all of that, than by all means, comment so and Ill give it to you. But be warned, my thinking seems to be getting more and more uhhh - radical these days... and not in any way I could of imagined. Be prepared to have your sensibilities shaken a bit if you read there.

Still playing lots and lots of WoW. Have 2 lvl 60+ toons there now, and am lvling up another fairly fast to join them. Its mindless fun, and I think Im nearing the end of my tolerance for it, but untill it goes altogether, I will play.

I miss - well - people. Thats the hardest thing. My family, my "friends"... Facebook is not an alternative to tete et tete. I want to *talk* to people. I want to - well - be me again, only...
Im not letting them box me again. I am not going to conform to anybodies idea of me again. I cant do it. And the next time a person alludes to me being "evil" or anything of that sort, Im quite likely to show them just what would e meant by that.
grrrrr yes, that *is* my biggest pet peeve at the moment.
Just thinking about it destroys all my peacefulness and just gets me so damn frustrated. That may be a rant coming...

yeah, Im going to stop here, before I let lose...