paraphrased by yours truely.
(forgive spelling mistakes this morning, please - Im not wearing my glasses this morning, and cant see!)
Apostles - "Christianity is a sect of Judiasm"
People - "We dont wanna get circumsized - ouch!"
Apostles - "Yeah, ok, we get that. Well, you cant get into the temple without it, but you can still worship in the courtyard of the synagog, so we will let it slide."
People - "We dont wanna keep kosher"
Apostles - "Grrrrr"
God - "Spirit, not law - you're getting into asia now folks....let the pig thing slide."
Apostles - "Fine.... just aviod... well.. lets say - fornication, strangled food, idols... oh yeah, and drinking blood. But you cant be jews."
People - "yay! no law!"
Apostles "Headdesk"
There really is no way around the fact that Christ *was* a Jew. In everything that it implies. He no doubt was circumsized, celebrated the festival of lights, passover, purim.... and honestly - well - they arent secular holidays. In my mind, Christmas is far more a pagan festival merchandised to the masses. Easter - same thing. I am far more tolerant of those who wish to touch those pagan roots than those who gnash thier teeth trying to make these days about Christ, when Christ himself had other ideas.
In my rather bent and damaged way of thinking though...well - look at it this way -
I love God. He is the only addiction I have that I *want*.
There is a slippery slope, in the thinking "spirit, not letter". It can allow you to get away with *alot*. All too often, its just simply that we dont *want* to follow the rules, we dont want to sacrifice, we dont *want* to change, or be differant from the world around us. We make excuses, and its really easy to let them slide.
Now - I firmly beleive that a persons own relationship with God is just that - thier own. And I dont mean to butt my head into anybody elses. I write here to clarify my own thoughts, to get things down so I can look at them later on, and see where my head was at. What you do - well thats between you and Him - not me. But for me...
argh...
theres too much in my head right now - spinning in circles. We are divine beings, priests, ambassadors, not from this world. We arent meant to fit in, and to me, if you ..well - really - other than terminology, what *is* the differance between worship - real worship - and addiction. Addictions define us, our social circles, It tells us where to speand our money, our time, our energy.
I want my only addiction to be YHWH.
Addictions change your life. Its inevitable. Go talk to the drug addict who was once a surburban housewife - they are out there. Go ask the homeless man who used to be a banker. THey are not just movie plot devices. Look at the people in our society now, losing thier jobs and spouses because they play WoW or some other MMORPG.
These people, well - even God understood way back than, that people *could* follow Him and not keep to the Jewish letter of the law. But I think, in the end, He also knew that if passion for Him grew, that they would *want* to make those changes. And I find it ironic that in a world where "extreme" has become such a byword, that in our churches we are more and more simply saying "Come as you are - you dont need to change one bit - God loves you just as you are" Which is *true** - Oh it is. And we make the mistake of thinking that change will make God love us more - it *wont*. There is nothing I could do to make Him love me more than he already does. But its my love for Him that makes me want to change.
Its the addiction.
And lets face facts. Im not in a church right now for a very good reason. I dont agree with them.
They foster hate and hurt and mediocrity. They breed a lack of passion and growth that amounts in my mind to malignancy.
In a typical church setting - I am more than a freak.
I am an addict.
*giggles madly* and just like Dexter realized he needed his addiction to survive. TO be who he was and to be able to breathe. So I need mine.
There is no 12 step program for a serial killer.
There is no 12 step program to take you *away* from YHWH
And if bible collage didnt deprogram me, if the hypocrasy of the church couldnt drive me away...
*eg*
oh - so much more to come.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Conversations to have.
So - you are a christian? - "yes"
So - You wanna be like Jesus? - "yes"
So - you're a Jew? - "no!"
Make up your mind.
In other news... Tigger, in redoing the kitchen cut a wire to the phone line yesterday - killing my internet unknowingly until this morning when he fixed it.
It appears that God actually cares wether you get your snack food or not.
Car tires can pop off in 35 below.
My sister can decorate christmas trees far better than I can.
I made a dangerous statement yesterday, and after a great deal of thought, both my husband and I sticking by it.
"I want to live long enough to see my life destroyed because I love Jesus."
or at least, Im willing to do it.
Im hoping, that sometime *before* Christmas, Ill get my christmas presents and cards out - but dont count on it.
So - You wanna be like Jesus? - "yes"
So - you're a Jew? - "no!"
Make up your mind.
In other news... Tigger, in redoing the kitchen cut a wire to the phone line yesterday - killing my internet unknowingly until this morning when he fixed it.
It appears that God actually cares wether you get your snack food or not.
Car tires can pop off in 35 below.
My sister can decorate christmas trees far better than I can.
I made a dangerous statement yesterday, and after a great deal of thought, both my husband and I sticking by it.
"I want to live long enough to see my life destroyed because I love Jesus."
or at least, Im willing to do it.
Im hoping, that sometime *before* Christmas, Ill get my christmas presents and cards out - but dont count on it.
Friday, December 12, 2008
My darling sweet
sister posted a weblong thing the other day - entitled "16 things".
I had to seriously give this a thought, and I decided to handle it this way.
16 words.
1) Love. Nothing without love. It is worth living for, worth dying for. It is all in all that is asked of us and if we are not consumed by it above all other things, than we are not people, but merely animals who obay impulse and drives.
2) Worship. The most beautiful expression of love to the One who deserves more than anything else. Worship can be impressed, like a signature or a mold on anything we do. It is the imprint, the seal, the press in any action, deed, or lifestyle.
3) Fellowship. The communion of two or more people in any way that will eventually bring about the properties of active worship. If your experiances with other people do not bring you to a point where you can worship, wether in sorrow or in joy or even in just simple quiet majesty, than check first your own heart and its motivations, than theirs.
4) Dicipline. This is not a bad word, and it does not mean punishment. It simply means that you have givin yourself over to be constant and dedicated in the way you live. It is one of the three things that God asks of us. To be diciplined enough to simply do the work He sets in front of us each day, and do it. Worshipfully and with joy. This is the hardest, and the most meaningful, and it will bring peace to your life.
5) Peace. In as much as it is dependent on you - live at peace with all men. It is not your job to judge them, only to live side by side with them and show them the Way that things *might* be. It is wrapped in love and infused by worship. It means that you allow thier actions and thier lifestyles to be simply between them and God, and keep your own nose clean of it.
6)Time. It is all we have to give. It is the most important gift. The gift of our time to a friend, to a child, to a task. It is not redeemable, it is precious, and it is our *only* unlimited resource.
7) Immortality. Each one of us has it in our hearts because it is what we are. Each and every one of us will indeed live forever. I adore yoda - He had it so right... "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" The simplicity of it, the ease in which we long for it and and grasp at it.
8) Nobility. The fact that we *are* more than mere animals. We have an ability to rise above everything around us and be *more*. We can be honorable, we can be just. We can protect and nurture and stand when everything around us is falling to peices.
9) Home. This earth is so very temporary. This is just a prequal, a camping trip. This earht is not our home. And just as people on a camping trip are, we will find that we dont have everything that we need here and now, and indeed, its *impossible* to have it. To seek it is to seek insanity. We make do, and look forward to when we *are* home.
10) Ambassadors. Not only are we camping in a strange and forign land where we dont speak the language, dont agree with the values or mores, but we are ambassadors of our country to it. We are more than examples. We are the nobility sent forth into the land to gather people to our own cause and our own country. To attemtp to "fit in" here is also insanity - and whats more - its traitorious.
11) Judiasm. I can not phrase this more simply. Christ was a jew. We are told to be like Christ. what more do you want?
12) Christ. you knew I had to get there eventually - now didnt you?
13) Inspiration. Use everything you can in this world to tie it back. Think of the Silver Chair. The lamp - bigger and warmer is the sun. The cat, bigger and more terrifying is the Lion. and so is Batman a picture of nobility and justice. And so is the worship of teams and power plays and example of idolatry.
14) Wisdom. Seek it, use it. It is the ability to understand, not just with your head, but your heart and to impliment it later. It will save your life and the lives of those around you.
15) Addiction. We cannot get through life without at least one - just choose it carefully.
16) BUNNYRABBIT! Because one cannot be serious all the time.
I had to seriously give this a thought, and I decided to handle it this way.
16 words.
1) Love. Nothing without love. It is worth living for, worth dying for. It is all in all that is asked of us and if we are not consumed by it above all other things, than we are not people, but merely animals who obay impulse and drives.
2) Worship. The most beautiful expression of love to the One who deserves more than anything else. Worship can be impressed, like a signature or a mold on anything we do. It is the imprint, the seal, the press in any action, deed, or lifestyle.
3) Fellowship. The communion of two or more people in any way that will eventually bring about the properties of active worship. If your experiances with other people do not bring you to a point where you can worship, wether in sorrow or in joy or even in just simple quiet majesty, than check first your own heart and its motivations, than theirs.
4) Dicipline. This is not a bad word, and it does not mean punishment. It simply means that you have givin yourself over to be constant and dedicated in the way you live. It is one of the three things that God asks of us. To be diciplined enough to simply do the work He sets in front of us each day, and do it. Worshipfully and with joy. This is the hardest, and the most meaningful, and it will bring peace to your life.
5) Peace. In as much as it is dependent on you - live at peace with all men. It is not your job to judge them, only to live side by side with them and show them the Way that things *might* be. It is wrapped in love and infused by worship. It means that you allow thier actions and thier lifestyles to be simply between them and God, and keep your own nose clean of it.
6)Time. It is all we have to give. It is the most important gift. The gift of our time to a friend, to a child, to a task. It is not redeemable, it is precious, and it is our *only* unlimited resource.
7) Immortality. Each one of us has it in our hearts because it is what we are. Each and every one of us will indeed live forever. I adore yoda - He had it so right... "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" The simplicity of it, the ease in which we long for it and and grasp at it.
8) Nobility. The fact that we *are* more than mere animals. We have an ability to rise above everything around us and be *more*. We can be honorable, we can be just. We can protect and nurture and stand when everything around us is falling to peices.
9) Home. This earth is so very temporary. This is just a prequal, a camping trip. This earht is not our home. And just as people on a camping trip are, we will find that we dont have everything that we need here and now, and indeed, its *impossible* to have it. To seek it is to seek insanity. We make do, and look forward to when we *are* home.
10) Ambassadors. Not only are we camping in a strange and forign land where we dont speak the language, dont agree with the values or mores, but we are ambassadors of our country to it. We are more than examples. We are the nobility sent forth into the land to gather people to our own cause and our own country. To attemtp to "fit in" here is also insanity - and whats more - its traitorious.
11) Judiasm. I can not phrase this more simply. Christ was a jew. We are told to be like Christ. what more do you want?
12) Christ. you knew I had to get there eventually - now didnt you?
13) Inspiration. Use everything you can in this world to tie it back. Think of the Silver Chair. The lamp - bigger and warmer is the sun. The cat, bigger and more terrifying is the Lion. and so is Batman a picture of nobility and justice. And so is the worship of teams and power plays and example of idolatry.
14) Wisdom. Seek it, use it. It is the ability to understand, not just with your head, but your heart and to impliment it later. It will save your life and the lives of those around you.
15) Addiction. We cannot get through life without at least one - just choose it carefully.
16) BUNNYRABBIT! Because one cannot be serious all the time.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Pic of the day....
This just - isnt my faverate picture of her. Its not *bad* but it simply doesnt have the sparkle and ?attitude? that usually go along with my daughter.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I love my duck!
and mommy thinks shes going crazy
I love my duck
you just cant reason with this guy
because I love my duck
and let the kingdome run amuck
because I love my duck!
Stuck in my head. Thank you veggietales.
Akiva calls popcorn "hockey". We have no idea why.
Jade still insists on biting his cheerios in half.
and here is the really bad pic of the day -
as usual, any edits or fixing Ive done on it is posted at fb and lj.
I love my duck
you just cant reason with this guy
because I love my duck
and let the kingdome run amuck
because I love my duck!
Stuck in my head. Thank you veggietales.
Akiva calls popcorn "hockey". We have no idea why.
Jade still insists on biting his cheerios in half.
and here is the really bad pic of the day -
as usual, any edits or fixing Ive done on it is posted at fb and lj.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Christmas Photos.
Last night, the tigger and I spent several hours in Sears, getting family photos done. In the essence of the economy, and the fact that every other person in the world seems to celebrate Christas, even though we would perfer not to, we are sending these photos out as our presents this year.
Of course, we bought the disk of every photo took, so I already have said Christmas photos on my computer, and I have to share. But since more than a few of you who actually read this blog will be getting said "presents" I have decided *not* to post the best ones until after Christmas, and simply post a couple of the "rejects" here each day until Im pretty sure the most of you have the "real deal" in your possesions.
If you all like some of what Ive posted, than feel free to take them and do whatever you wish with them (Im sure they will make great dartboards!)
Things I learned last night...
1) Tigger really looks like he might be honestly smiling when hes ready to strangle someone.
2) I looks fat no matter how I hold my chin.
3) Eva *is* a diva - but being 2, she cant control yet *quite* when the temper tantrums come - even if its detrimental to her.
4)My "funny looking" little boy is bloody Brad Pitt when you get him in front of a camera...He didnt take a single bad pic. And was so easy going about it all we didnt want to take him from *being* in front of it.
5) not that anyone *really* cares - I can intirely fit into my pre-pregnancy "sexy" jeans - except for a half inch around the middle where I still have too much baby weight.
So - on to a couple of the pics....
ahhhh, my darling daughter....isnt she precious. This may well be the worst picture ever taken of her. She *really* didnt like the experiance, although she did like the photographer.
On the other hand, yes, this is the *worst* picture Jade took. He looks so sweet and cuddly in it I just want to pick him up and chew on him.
Of course, we bought the disk of every photo took, so I already have said Christmas photos on my computer, and I have to share. But since more than a few of you who actually read this blog will be getting said "presents" I have decided *not* to post the best ones until after Christmas, and simply post a couple of the "rejects" here each day until Im pretty sure the most of you have the "real deal" in your possesions.
If you all like some of what Ive posted, than feel free to take them and do whatever you wish with them (Im sure they will make great dartboards!)
Things I learned last night...
1) Tigger really looks like he might be honestly smiling when hes ready to strangle someone.
2) I looks fat no matter how I hold my chin.
3) Eva *is* a diva - but being 2, she cant control yet *quite* when the temper tantrums come - even if its detrimental to her.
4)My "funny looking" little boy is bloody Brad Pitt when you get him in front of a camera...He didnt take a single bad pic. And was so easy going about it all we didnt want to take him from *being* in front of it.
5) not that anyone *really* cares - I can intirely fit into my pre-pregnancy "sexy" jeans - except for a half inch around the middle where I still have too much baby weight.
So - on to a couple of the pics....
ahhhh, my darling daughter....isnt she precious. This may well be the worst picture ever taken of her. She *really* didnt like the experiance, although she did like the photographer.
On the other hand, yes, this is the *worst* picture Jade took. He looks so sweet and cuddly in it I just want to pick him up and chew on him.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
So I changed my layout
and now I cant find the link to where I got my random daily thought thing anymore. ANd I dont like the change - but I cant find anything I do like that suits my current mood.
To go with a rather obscure way of explaining it...
Im kinda a pale blue, today. Washed out and used. But hopeful.
High points really are few and far between these days, it seems, and despite the high dose of anti-depressant, I feel the anxiety returning.
Its probably just Christmas.
But I do have a high point today. *laughs* Tigger brought home "Gremlins". Sooooo classic.
Low point? Rest of the day? no, not really. I think it probably the attempted nap that was broken because the demon of destruction wouldnt settle down and only when I chose to get up did I discover he had pulled *more* of the stuffing out of our duvet.
What did God teach me? Other than the fact that a hug from a 2 year old really *is* a cure for most everything? Other than my age old lesson of some stupid song my mother loved? (I wonder if I could write a "Everything I needed to know in life, I learned from the radio as a child"
1) No one ever promised me a rose garden.
2) Desperados wont stick around.
3) Queen of hearts is *dangerous*
4) Rainy nights are romantic.
5) The nicer you dress, the better you feel.
*laughs* yeah - anybody can tell me the name of the songs Im referencing, Ill give gold stars to... *laughs*
blah.
To go with a rather obscure way of explaining it...
Im kinda a pale blue, today. Washed out and used. But hopeful.
High points really are few and far between these days, it seems, and despite the high dose of anti-depressant, I feel the anxiety returning.
Its probably just Christmas.
But I do have a high point today. *laughs* Tigger brought home "Gremlins". Sooooo classic.
Low point? Rest of the day? no, not really. I think it probably the attempted nap that was broken because the demon of destruction wouldnt settle down and only when I chose to get up did I discover he had pulled *more* of the stuffing out of our duvet.
What did God teach me? Other than the fact that a hug from a 2 year old really *is* a cure for most everything? Other than my age old lesson of some stupid song my mother loved? (I wonder if I could write a "Everything I needed to know in life, I learned from the radio as a child"
1) No one ever promised me a rose garden.
2) Desperados wont stick around.
3) Queen of hearts is *dangerous*
4) Rainy nights are romantic.
5) The nicer you dress, the better you feel.
*laughs* yeah - anybody can tell me the name of the songs Im referencing, Ill give gold stars to... *laughs*
blah.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Lemming
If you saw ME in a police car, what would you think I got arrested for? Answer me, then if you want, post to your own journal and see how many crimes you get accused of.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Odd
yes, odd indeed to realize that after all these years of colds and flu's, Ive never actually had a sinus infection until now.
Odd, and almost funny to find out that 90% of people who think they have a sinus infection, actually are suffering from migraines, when I spent the last three days *thinking* I had a migraine, when I had a sinus infection.
I had no idea a human being could create so much mucas, nor that it could be that *color*.
I had no idea that a "simple head cold" could hurt so badly.
As soon as I can, Ill be going to the dr.s for antibiotics... and I may be taking the two kids with me.
ugh, and ugh again.
Odd, and almost funny to find out that 90% of people who think they have a sinus infection, actually are suffering from migraines, when I spent the last three days *thinking* I had a migraine, when I had a sinus infection.
I had no idea a human being could create so much mucas, nor that it could be that *color*.
I had no idea that a "simple head cold" could hurt so badly.
As soon as I can, Ill be going to the dr.s for antibiotics... and I may be taking the two kids with me.
ugh, and ugh again.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Christmas is coming...
And people are asking what to get us, particularly the kids.
Let me put this plainly.
They are too young to want anything.
They dont really need anything.
However - mommy and daddy will not turn down colouring books or crayons. New movies, or oldschool style toys (blocks, large scale legos...)
New movies does pose a problem, I understand, so I am posting a list of everything we already own. It is broken down into three categories TV Series we have, Childrens Movies, and Regular.
I do hope this helps.
If you wish to use this for some stupid meme thing of "Which movies you want to, dont want to, blahblahblah, " Feel free.
Let me put this plainly.
They are too young to want anything.
They dont really need anything.
However - mommy and daddy will not turn down colouring books or crayons. New movies, or oldschool style toys (blocks, large scale legos...)
New movies does pose a problem, I understand, so I am posting a list of everything we already own. It is broken down into three categories TV Series we have, Childrens Movies, and Regular.
I do hope this helps.
TV Series
- 24- Season 1
- 24- Season 2
- 24- Season 3
- 24- Season 4
- Angel – Season 1
- Angel – Season 2
- Angel – Season 3
- Angel – Season 4
- Angel – Season5
- Bones - Season 1
- Bones - Season 2
- Buffy- Season 1
- Buffy- Season 2
- Buffy- Season 3
- Buffy- Season 4
- Buffy- Season 5
- Buffy- Season 6
- CSI- Season 1
- CSI- Season 2
- CSI- Season 3
- CSI- Season 4
- CSI- Season 5
- CSI- Season 6
- CSI- Season 7
- Desperate Housewives - Season 1
- Desperate Housewives - Season 2
- Desperate Housewives-Season 3
- Desperate Housewives – Season 4
- Firefly
- Frasier - Season 1
- Frasier - Season 2
- Frasier - Season 3
- Frasier - Season 5
- Frasier – Season 6
- Frasier – Season7
- Frasier – Season 8
- Frasier – Season9
- Frasier – Season 10
- Grey’s Anatomy- Season 1
- Grey’s Anatomy- Season 2
- Grey’s Anatomy- Season 3
- Grey’s Anatomy – Season 4
- Highlander- Season 1
- Highlander- Season 2
- Highlander- Season 3
- Highlander- Season 4
- Highlander - Season 5
- Highlander the Raven
- MacGyver – Season 1
- Supernatural- Season 1
- Supernatural- Season 2
- Supernatural – Season 3
- Veronica Mars – Season 1
- Veronica Mars – Season2
- Veronica Mars – Season3
- X-Files Season 1
- X-Files- Season 2
- X-Files- Season 3
- X-Files- Season 4
- X-Files- Season 5
- X-Files- Season 6
- X-Files – Season 7
- X-Files- Season 8
- X-Files- Season 9
Childrens
- 101 Dalmations (cartoon)
- A Bugs Life
- Alvin and the Chipmunks
- Aladdin
- Anastasia
- Aristocats
- Baby Beethoven
- Baby Da Vinci
- Baby Mozart
- Baby Bach
- Baby Wordsworth
- Baby Numbers
- Baby Van Gogh
- Baby Shakespere
- Baby Shapes
- Beauty and the Beast
- Cars
- Dr. Dolittle
- Dumbo
- Finding Nemo
- Flushed Away
- Freaky Friday
- The Golden Compass
- The Goofy Movie
- Happy Feet
- Hook
- Ice Age
- Ice Age 2
- Jungle Book
- Lady and the Tramp
- Laberynth
- The Lion King
- The Little Mermaid
- Monsters Inc.
- Mulan
- Narnia
- Night at the Museum
- Over the Hedge
- The Prince of Egypt
- The Princess Bride
- Ratatuoie
- Shrek
- Shrek 2
- Shrek the Third
- Shrek the Halls
- Spiderwick Chronicles
- Tinkerbell
- Treasure Planet
- Veggietales – Josh and the Great Big Wall
- Veggietales- Ether: The Girl who became Queen
- Veggietales – Sumo of the Opera
- Veggietales – King George and the Duckie
- Veggietales – The Ballad of Little Joe
- Veggietales- Lord of the Beans
- Veggietales – Gideon: Tuba Warrior
- Veggie Tales Sing Along
- Veggie Tales – Minnisota Cuke and the Search for Samsons Hairbrush
- Veggietales – Dance of the Cucumber
- Veggietales- Big River Rescue
- Veggietales- The Wizard of Has
- Veggitales Movie – Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything
- The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
Regular
- 2 Fast 2 Furious
- 8 Seconds
- 10 Things I Hate About You
- A Chorus Line
- American Sweethearts
- Antitrust
- Arachniphobia
- Armageddon
- Art of Trials
- August Rush
- Bad Boys
- Bad Boys 2
- Basic Yoga for Dummies
- Batman Begins
- Batman Forever
- Benny and Joon
- The Big Hit
- Blade
- Blade 3
- Bowling for Columbine
- Braveheart
- Bringing Out the Dead
- Bruce Almighty
- The Bucket List
- Casanova
- Chocolat
- Chronicles of Riddick
- The Crow
- The Devil Wears Prada
- Die Hard
- Die Harder
- Die Hard with a Vengeance
- Die Hard or Live Free
- Dirty Dancing
- Dracula
- Earthed
- Eight Legged Freaks
- Elizabeth
- Elizabeth The Golden Years
- Elizabethtown
- Ever After
- Evolution
- Face Off
- Fast and Furious
- Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
- Fifth Element
- Finding Neverland
- Flatliners
- Fried Green Tomatoes
- From Hell
- Gladiator
- The Golden Compass
- Gone in 60 Seconds
- Graffiti Bridge
- Grease
- The Green Mile
- Hackers
- Hairspray
- Hamlet
- Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
- Hitch
- The Hulk
- The Imposters
- The Incredible Hulk
- Independence Day
- Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- Interview with the Vampire
- I Robot
- Ironman
- Jurassic Park
- Jurassic Park: The Lost World
- Jurassic Park:3
- King Kong
- A Knights Tale
- Lake Placid
- League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
- The Legend of Zorro
- Lethal Weapon 1
- Lethal Weapon 2
- Lethal Weapon 3
- Lethal Weapon 4
- Liar Liar
- Life as a House
- Lifted
- Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring
- Lord of the Rings- The
- Lord of the Rings- Return of the King
- Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring (extended)
- Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers (extended)
- Lord of the Rings- Return of the King (Extended)
- Lost Boys
- Luther
- Matrix
- Maverick
- M.I.B.
- The Mexican
- Memoirs of a Geisha
- Miami Vice
- A Midsummer’s Night Dream
- Moulin Rouge
- Mr. and Mrs. Smith
- The Mummy
- The Mummy Returns
- The Musketeer
- National Treasure
- National Treasure 2
- The Nativity Story
- One Night at McCools
- Notting Hill
- Oceans 12
- Oceans 13
- Office Space
- Once Upon a Time in Mexico
- The Other Boleyn Girl
- The Passion
- The Pianist
- Phantom of the Opera
- Pitch Black
- Pilates- Intermediate
- Pilates for Beginners
- Pirates of the
- Pirates of the
- Pirates of the Caribbean – At Worlds End
- Pride and Prejudice
- The Punisher
- Queen of the Damned
- Ray
- Rent
- The Rock
- Rush Hour
- The Saint
- Serenity
- The Simpsons Movie
- Singing in the Rain
- Snake Eyes
- Speed
- Spiderman 1
- Spiderman 2
- Spiderman 3
- Spaceballs
- Stargate
- Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
- Star Wars: Attack of the Clones
- Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
- Star Wars- A New Hope (VHS- Original Cut)
- Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back (VHS- Original Cut)
- Star Wars- Return of the Jedi (VHS-Original Cut)
- Star Wars- A New Hope
- Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back
- Star Wars- Return of the Jedi
- Step Up
- Superman Returns
- Take the Lead
- Terminator 2: Rise of the Machines
- The Three Musketeers
- Three to Tango
- Transformers
- The Transporter
- Transporter 2
- Twister
- Uncle Buck
- Underworld
- Van Helsing
- VanHelsing
- Waiting
- Walk the line
- A Walk in the Clouds
- What Women Want
- With Honors
- X-Men
- X-Men United
- X-Men- The Last Stand
If you wish to use this for some stupid meme thing of "Which movies you want to, dont want to, blahblahblah, " Feel free.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Picspam!!!!
There we go - Eva on halloween. We saw only one other bumblebee, so we counted it a sucess, even if she did, as shown above, sit down on her way out of ever store and attempt a temper tantrum. The good news - she *refuses* to take candy from strangers!!
Jade adores Dexter, the only kitty who will allow for his style of rather aggressive affection without running away. He does *try* to "pet nice" but with the limited attention span he soon forgets and just grabs. He was a Skeleton for halloween, and far better behaved than his sister. Although, he didnt quite know what to think of the mice of Doom!
Max has gone from 5 pounds to 10 pounds in a month. Adorable little destrocto-mutt. We've nicknamed him "Taz" truely a furry, tan coloured tornado of destruction and mess. I adore him, but He cant seem to figure out what hes allowed to chew on and what he isnt, and he's *soooo* hyper... but hes fun, and the kids have already discovered the joys of tug-of-war and fetch. So much more fun when you're two!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
oh YES!!!
Last two weeks, I havent been able to work out- at all.
Because of an upping of my meds - well, to aviod a TMI situation, lets just say Ive had another roadblock of sorts, to my losing weight as well... an uncomfortable one, to say the least.
So - I havent been stepping on the scale. Ive been afraid to.
Today however, was weigh in, and I had to.
181! Down my weekly two pounds, but ... thats with sopping wet hair... so Im saying its really 180, because - well, yeah. It probably is...
But the point is, Ive lost at least 7, possibly even up to 9 pounds (trust me on this one, just go with me, ok?) in 4 weeks.
This week, Im back to the gym, so lets aim for another 5-7 pound weight loss in the next 2!
Oh *HAPPY*HAPPY*HAPPY* Day!
Because of an upping of my meds - well, to aviod a TMI situation, lets just say Ive had another roadblock of sorts, to my losing weight as well... an uncomfortable one, to say the least.
So - I havent been stepping on the scale. Ive been afraid to.
Today however, was weigh in, and I had to.
181! Down my weekly two pounds, but ... thats with sopping wet hair... so Im saying its really 180, because - well, yeah. It probably is...
But the point is, Ive lost at least 7, possibly even up to 9 pounds (trust me on this one, just go with me, ok?) in 4 weeks.
This week, Im back to the gym, so lets aim for another 5-7 pound weight loss in the next 2!
Oh *HAPPY*HAPPY*HAPPY* Day!
Friday, October 17, 2008
So Very Frustrated.
I Miss Church.
I miss the worship, the learning, the people, the interaction.
Im lonely and starving for edification of any kind.
I cant go back to W. With D there, it just feels too odd. Too many ghosts and too much imagined pressure that I cant get past. Never mind the fact that the building itself really puts me off. Millions of dollars spent catering to the Country Club Set while the homeless and the mentally challenged in our city go without help with another harsh winter coming up. It makes me sick.
My little "Outlands" Church is impossible. Too far away to get there with the kids, and So much expectation for us to move there. We know eventually we might end up back there, just because we still want to move there, but in the meantime...
Pent. Church's aren't satisfying anymore. Too many years of Judiasm highlighting it and the hypocrisy of it all... the politics.. it just makes me cry. Even the best of them are faking their way through something thats supposed to be victory when I think what really needed is humility and brokeness.
Never mind the fact that I just simply cant tolerate "Christian" holidays anymore. Dressing up Pagan festivals in ill-fitting Christian Garb... Its a little horrifying, really. And The Jewish holidays I find confusing and without leadership I cant figure my way through most of them.
And than - theres the "School"
*sighs*
OK, there was a falling out between my friends and I, and there have been some tentitive outreaches on both sides, but nothing really - done.
And then We tried going back. And promptly got smacked in the face.
Honestly folks, how would you take it if a church's first reaction to you crossing their threshold was to call an emergency board meeting?
Honestly....
They sent a board member to "talk" to us. A board member who quit the board quickly after.
I havent heard from them since.
Again, there have been tentative outreaches of the friends on both sides, but nothing that I could remember to attend or even had much interest in.
So no, I dont really want to go back *there*.
But Im lonely. I miss my friends.
I miss having friends - period.
I know Im difficult. Granted, when no one ever tells you *when* you screw up, its pretty hard to change the behavior. And without people around me to trust, theres no one to tell me anyways, is there?
I love church. I really do.
I remember when I used to go to 6 services a week.
Sunday morning and night.
Tuesday, midweek service at a friends church.
Wednesday was Bible Study.
THursday was Choir
Friday was Youth Group.
I started a prayer meeting on Mondays. *laughs* We used to fit more than 20 in my little apartment, and we would pray for hours. It was fabulous.
Saturdays we would take day trips. My friends and I from Youth. We would go to the mall, the Victoria Habour, to see my mother in the hospital...
and we would sing hymns.
I realized in those years what it meant what it really meant in the scriptures that "Better is one day as a gatekeeper for the Lord, than a thousand without"
I had more fun, shut in the backroom, stamping hymnals alone that I did at school, or at the mall, or doing most anything else.
I realize now, and too late, that I should have been some kind of monk, or nun. But it doesnt change the fact that I *NEED* a church. I cant go much longer without one and I dont know what to do.
Im lost.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Heaven in a cup!
1/2 - 1 cup of mixed frozen fruit (mango, strawberry, peach)
40g vanilla protein powder
2 tbsp honey
1tbsp flax seed oil
1/2 - 3/4 cup water
blend till frothy.
Imagine if you will, drinkable whipped cream, with a gentle fruit flavour, and the nutritional value of a perfectly balanced meal. Oh yes, and the ability to keep you full for at least 3 hours. Its honestly the best mix and blend Ive come up with yet, and I highly recommend it as a snack or even a light lunch. If you want a bit more antioxident power, than I would go the cranberry, blueberry and strawberry route - lovely purple drink, instead of the light peach of the above. However, it has the tendency to get a little runny, wheras the mango/peach combo makes it thick and light.
Ambrosia - Sheer Ambrosia.
((And if its been a really bad day, add two shots of vodka - it makes it a little less frothy, but it sure will make *you* feel better *laughs*
40g vanilla protein powder
2 tbsp honey
1tbsp flax seed oil
1/2 - 3/4 cup water
blend till frothy.
Imagine if you will, drinkable whipped cream, with a gentle fruit flavour, and the nutritional value of a perfectly balanced meal. Oh yes, and the ability to keep you full for at least 3 hours. Its honestly the best mix and blend Ive come up with yet, and I highly recommend it as a snack or even a light lunch. If you want a bit more antioxident power, than I would go the cranberry, blueberry and strawberry route - lovely purple drink, instead of the light peach of the above. However, it has the tendency to get a little runny, wheras the mango/peach combo makes it thick and light.
Ambrosia - Sheer Ambrosia.
((And if its been a really bad day, add two shots of vodka - it makes it a little less frothy, but it sure will make *you* feel better *laughs*
Saturday, October 11, 2008
YaY!!!!!!!
5 pounds down!
Im a quarter of the way there!
If I can keep this up, in 6 more weeks, Ill be at my "current" goal - down to a size 10-12.
Im rather happy and healthy there, but... oh but...
20 after that is my ideal goal. 6-8. I looks *so* damn good there. Thats where I was when I was married. Thats where my leather pants are, my long skirts, my kilt.... 16-20 weeks. total to get me there. If... if....
oh, Ill happily hang out at a 10-12 for a while. Give my body a chance to adjust.
But after Christmas.... *eg*
oh yes..........
*bounce*bounce*bounce*
15 more pounds to go though, for now.
hopefully, just 6 more weeks.
damn I feel smug!
Im a quarter of the way there!
If I can keep this up, in 6 more weeks, Ill be at my "current" goal - down to a size 10-12.
Im rather happy and healthy there, but... oh but...
20 after that is my ideal goal. 6-8. I looks *so* damn good there. Thats where I was when I was married. Thats where my leather pants are, my long skirts, my kilt.... 16-20 weeks. total to get me there. If... if....
oh, Ill happily hang out at a 10-12 for a while. Give my body a chance to adjust.
But after Christmas.... *eg*
oh yes..........
*bounce*bounce*bounce*
15 more pounds to go though, for now.
hopefully, just 6 more weeks.
damn I feel smug!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
BTW - Apryl
You didnt give me enough time.. so - my favorites?
The first and the last, in particular, seem to suit how *Ive* been feeling lately, at least.
Beautiful work though, on all accounts. I wouldnt mind getting a couple blown up a bit and framed.... something nice and tasteful... for the house. Advertise my little sis a bit )
The first and the last, in particular, seem to suit how *Ive* been feeling lately, at least.
Beautiful work though, on all accounts. I wouldnt mind getting a couple blown up a bit and framed.... something nice and tasteful... for the house. Advertise my little sis a bit )
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- we will high-tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much w orse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off...after I laugh my butt off.
9. This is my oath.
I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask
-- because you are my FRIEND!
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
also - down 4 pounds as of today!
1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- we will high-tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much w orse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off...after I laugh my butt off.
9. This is my oath.
I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask
-- because you are my FRIEND!
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
also - down 4 pounds as of today!
Monday, October 6, 2008
It comes in threes - they say.
My Father, Tiggers Caousin, and now my grandfather.
Dick Trehearn meant much more to me than my own Dad did, and Im not sure he knows that.
When I was 15, he took me for icecream. My own Father never did that.
When I was 16, He made me a rolling pin. He offered to build me to scale a case to hold all my unicorn statues in. It was never made, but Im sure if I had sent him spec's, it would have been.
And just this year, failing as he was, he made me a sugar bowl. Its beautiful. Ill never use it, but Ill never get rid of it either.
When I announced my engagement to the Tigger, He and grandma came out to meet him. No one else did. Not my Father, not my sister, no one... but Grandpa and Grandma.
I think, though my interactions with him have been so very limited, he was more a Father to me than anyone else ever has been. (Ian doesnt count - although I will never discount all those fabulous mornings, and all the smokes, and all the singing in the rain - He was an amazing dad/brother crossover, but Grandpa - he sticks more in my mind as "Pater Familus" - Father.)
There is a high, high cost to being so blessed as I have been, to have so many families claim you as thier own, to being, in the end, so wanted and loved as I have been.
You have so much more to lose.
1 Year is not long enough when you live so far away.
1 Year is not long enough when the "knowing" part of you hopes its a much shorter sentence.
1 Year is not long enough, when the selfish, defiant, human part of you is hoping for 10.
1 Year is not enough, when the realistic part of you knows it wont be even that long.
and so I ask - how much can I take?
How much loss can one survive and not go mad?
How much stress can one person take on thier mental capacities?
Stress....
Am I glass, wood, or iron?
How many times can a sword be reforged to become stronger before it simply becomes brittle?
How long till I shatter?
Dick Trehearn meant much more to me than my own Dad did, and Im not sure he knows that.
When I was 15, he took me for icecream. My own Father never did that.
When I was 16, He made me a rolling pin. He offered to build me to scale a case to hold all my unicorn statues in. It was never made, but Im sure if I had sent him spec's, it would have been.
And just this year, failing as he was, he made me a sugar bowl. Its beautiful. Ill never use it, but Ill never get rid of it either.
When I announced my engagement to the Tigger, He and grandma came out to meet him. No one else did. Not my Father, not my sister, no one... but Grandpa and Grandma.
I think, though my interactions with him have been so very limited, he was more a Father to me than anyone else ever has been. (Ian doesnt count - although I will never discount all those fabulous mornings, and all the smokes, and all the singing in the rain - He was an amazing dad/brother crossover, but Grandpa - he sticks more in my mind as "Pater Familus" - Father.)
There is a high, high cost to being so blessed as I have been, to have so many families claim you as thier own, to being, in the end, so wanted and loved as I have been.
You have so much more to lose.
1 Year is not long enough when you live so far away.
1 Year is not long enough when the "knowing" part of you hopes its a much shorter sentence.
1 Year is not long enough, when the selfish, defiant, human part of you is hoping for 10.
1 Year is not enough, when the realistic part of you knows it wont be even that long.
and so I ask - how much can I take?
How much loss can one survive and not go mad?
How much stress can one person take on thier mental capacities?
Stress....
Am I glass, wood, or iron?
How many times can a sword be reforged to become stronger before it simply becomes brittle?
How long till I shatter?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
2 pounds down
as of today. 18 more to go.
and yes, Ironman is the best superhero movie Ive seen as of yet... with one exception.
But its definitely up there.
and yes, Ironman is the best superhero movie Ive seen as of yet... with one exception.
But its definitely up there.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
For the record...
Akiva's first sentence - "Wheres the puppy"
Jade bites his cheerios in two
Akiva can now get in and out of the tub on her own.
Jade likes spaghetti and meatballs
When she wont eat a meal, I tell her, firmly - "Eat. You have to eat it before you can get down."
Last night she had a piece of pancake in her hand. She put it up to my mouth, and when I refused it, she went "Eat!". Wonder where she gets the bossiness from )
Max has discovered that it doesnt matter how many times the cats hiss at him, they still scatter when he runs at them. And oh how he enjoys the chase!
itunes is still evil.
Ive got my meds right to not have panic attacks, but I still get alot of negative symptoms. Looks like Ill have to up the meds yet again.
Hopefully, will be watching Ironman tonight.
So far, Ive lost one pound.
Im lonely, bored, and... well, migrainy and - just not having a mentally good day.
but I figured it was time to post *something*
Jade bites his cheerios in two
Akiva can now get in and out of the tub on her own.
Jade likes spaghetti and meatballs
When she wont eat a meal, I tell her, firmly - "Eat. You have to eat it before you can get down."
Last night she had a piece of pancake in her hand. She put it up to my mouth, and when I refused it, she went "Eat!". Wonder where she gets the bossiness from )
Max has discovered that it doesnt matter how many times the cats hiss at him, they still scatter when he runs at them. And oh how he enjoys the chase!
itunes is still evil.
Ive got my meds right to not have panic attacks, but I still get alot of negative symptoms. Looks like Ill have to up the meds yet again.
Hopefully, will be watching Ironman tonight.
So far, Ive lost one pound.
Im lonely, bored, and... well, migrainy and - just not having a mentally good day.
but I figured it was time to post *something*
Sunday, September 28, 2008
188
Today starts my little bet/compitition/madness with my boss, and Im weighing in at 188.
So very excited.
So very excited.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Moonfire.
That is what Ive named my Ipod. A pretty blue nano that holds 2000 songs. Its most of my collection, and at least everything that I would actually listen to out of it. The great thing is, that it can hold mine and Tiggers music, and give playlists for each of us, so with a decent system, its basically a home stereo - finally.
I am patheticallly, and totally adoring of it.
I am patheticallly, and totally adoring of it.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Star, Angel....
and anyone else out there who I dont know is watching...
http://hopefuldark.livejournal.com/
I succumbed. I miss you.
not sure how often Ill update, but at least Ill be able to keep up with you again.
http://hopefuldark.livejournal.com/
I succumbed. I miss you.
not sure how often Ill update, but at least Ill be able to keep up with you again.
Enter a Dragon...
I love a good challenge... I thrive on competition.
If you dont know this about me, than you dont know me very well at all, but you know it now. *smirks*
Tonight, my boss through down a gauntlet.
20 pound challenge.
Lose one pound a week, or pay 5$.
5$ for a maintain, 5$ for every pound gained.
The first one to lose 20 wins the pot.
Ill keep you all updated as to how its going here.
I am *soooo* excited about this.
Its the kick in the ass I needed, entirely.
If you dont know this about me, than you dont know me very well at all, but you know it now. *smirks*
Tonight, my boss through down a gauntlet.
20 pound challenge.
Lose one pound a week, or pay 5$.
5$ for a maintain, 5$ for every pound gained.
The first one to lose 20 wins the pot.
Ill keep you all updated as to how its going here.
I am *soooo* excited about this.
Its the kick in the ass I needed, entirely.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
There was a game.....
Im hunting for a game whos name I cant remember.
The goal of the game was to get the square on the screen down to a smaller box.
There were little balls pinging around inside. The balls got in the way of drawing the lines that cut the box.
Anybody know the name of it?
Where I can download it?
The goal of the game was to get the square on the screen down to a smaller box.
There were little balls pinging around inside. The balls got in the way of drawing the lines that cut the box.
Anybody know the name of it?
Where I can download it?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Its about time.
He is 4 1/2 pounds.
He is golden, almost redish.
He has big eyes and floppy ears.
He is timid, and sweet and cuddly.
Half Corgi, Half pug.
Hes not quite what I wanted, but hes ours and hes perfect.
His name is Max.
and yes, my muse is insulted.
He is golden, almost redish.
He has big eyes and floppy ears.
He is timid, and sweet and cuddly.
Half Corgi, Half pug.
Hes not quite what I wanted, but hes ours and hes perfect.
His name is Max.
and yes, my muse is insulted.
Oh Apryl....
I did it, I shouldnt have, but I did.
I bought Superman Returns on Blu...
Speaking of *Blue*... *giggles madly*
They really ought to have thier very own colour in the index, dont you think....
Could you imagine if all eyes were *that* colour... and every man...
gah
tell me, how pathetic is it that I would buy a movie more or less for one 3 sec shot?
I bought Superman Returns on Blu...
Speaking of *Blue*... *giggles madly*
They really ought to have thier very own colour in the index, dont you think....
Could you imagine if all eyes were *that* colour... and every man...
gah
tell me, how pathetic is it that I would buy a movie more or less for one 3 sec shot?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I am -
without question, the queen of the bargain shoppers...
Designer fur pillows - regularly 245$... thats right, Two hundred and fortyfive dollers...
I got two of them, for 20$.
Thats 10 dollers each, my dear friends.
Beat *that*!.
and would someone please shut up the muses in my head who keep reminding me that no matter how I decorate my house, my daddy *still* was not Misha?
Designer fur pillows - regularly 245$... thats right, Two hundred and fortyfive dollers...
I got two of them, for 20$.
Thats 10 dollers each, my dear friends.
Beat *that*!.
and would someone please shut up the muses in my head who keep reminding me that no matter how I decorate my house, my daddy *still* was not Misha?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
According to the Dr.
I have been having panic attacks.
Its strange, because I dont feel panicked or anxious at all, but looking at the psychology of it all, it makes sense. Ive stuffed issues for the last 2 or 3 years. Things that have happened that were largely unavoidable in some lights, that I wasnt able to cope with. And there have been a great deal of them.
One by one they have piled up to an extent where I dont even feel many emotions anymore, but my body, and brain, and heart react where my emotions cant, causing "neurological storms" heart problems, stroke symptoms, migraines, and shortness of breath.
Basically, I start dealing with things, or this could kill me, I suppose.
I know the first issue, really, was my getting pregnant in the first place. Such a bundle of contradictory emotions there.
1) I dont beleive that Christians should have kids, unless they are willing to adopt as well. And honestly, adoption would be perfered to natural children. In scripture, we are told that it is the work of God to look after the orphans and the widows. And yet thousands of children are without decent homes in this world because the people in them are too selfish. It makes me sick. And then theres all the ones who do adopt, but only want a baby because they are terrified an older child wont be "theirs"
Hate to break it to you, but no child is "yours" - you cannot own a human being, not even if its bought and paid for.
2) I prayed that God would give me kids, if it would get me out of the workforce. Oh I was so sick of trying to survive in a place where I no longer felt I belonged. I didnt have it in me, the manipulitveness, the backstabbing, the polotics, the ass-kissing. Its not me. It got to the point where every morning when I got up and turned on the shower I would throw up just from the sheer repetitiveness of it.
3)I didnt think I was a good parent. My temper, my mental instability... I still struggle with the fear that Im not a good parent - happy healthy children aside. I do better with older kids, I know how to handle them better.
4)I had to get off the birthcontrol. It was either that, or kill myself young with a stroke. I told the TIgger I had quit taking it. He knew he was supposed to see his dr. He didnt.
Passive agreement, basically, to have a child. ok, maybe passive/aggressive dysfunctional agreement, but there it is.
But it didnt prepare me. The root of the problem was still that I didnt beleive that I should be having a child, and that still sticks to me and eats at me. Oh, I know theres plenty of scriptural arguments that say I should... I wont deny that I shuddered a bit every time I read that a woman is saved through childbirth. I still wonder at the "multiply" issue... ...technically that means at *least* three kids... two isnt multiplying, its just replacing.... But Im pretty sure I couldnt survive another, so - its stopping at 2 - no matter what. (ok, barring outright miricle- and I wouldnt put it past Him if it suited Him)
So how do I get around the - I didnt want it but now I have it thing?
Its not that I dont love my kids... I do - madly and completely. Eva is the sweetest, most well behaved little creature for the most part, and shes so much *fun*. Jade is - adorable. Just adorable, and I could no longer imagine my life without them. It would be so very, very empty.
But somewhere in my spirit is still a little being screaming - "I dont want this"
Kids brought the house, which didnt help.
or maybe its the same cake, different slice....
See, all of it - the husband, the kids, the house... it ties me to this world. And this is not a place I want to belong to. Oh, Im thankful enough... there are glimpses of beauty here and amazing things that just spin my head.
But *this* is not myhome.
Im just a traveller here and Ive felt it keenly for a great deal of my life. Id walk away from all of it with no regrets tomorrow. Pack a bag with just a change of clothes, a few candles for shabbat and... well, I dont need much else, really. Oh - my bible. *That* I would not... no - I tell a lie. I could part with my bible if I had too. I can always find another, I can always wonder into a church and read for a while. So there it is.
I feel chained. Anchored. Like my feet are in cement and I can see the sky but cant breathe the air.
Thats the biggest thing Im facing.
Losing my friends and my father... thats all just something else. ANother rant for another time.
But for now, I just want to be free. I want to escape. I want a one room rental with no furniture and nothing to lose.
My time my own to pray and to sing and to love.
It was easier to love than, too - Easier to love people when I dont... cant compete.
I get that now.
So what I have to do is find a way to be Martha, when I want to be Mary. To content myself with the service where I am and find freedom...within it.
Not change my nature, but adapt it.
As Spawn has tought me - you must adapt, or die.
Today is not a good day to die... the piano gets delivered on the 20th. *eyes roll*
one more fetter.
ugh.
Its strange, because I dont feel panicked or anxious at all, but looking at the psychology of it all, it makes sense. Ive stuffed issues for the last 2 or 3 years. Things that have happened that were largely unavoidable in some lights, that I wasnt able to cope with. And there have been a great deal of them.
One by one they have piled up to an extent where I dont even feel many emotions anymore, but my body, and brain, and heart react where my emotions cant, causing "neurological storms" heart problems, stroke symptoms, migraines, and shortness of breath.
Basically, I start dealing with things, or this could kill me, I suppose.
I know the first issue, really, was my getting pregnant in the first place. Such a bundle of contradictory emotions there.
1) I dont beleive that Christians should have kids, unless they are willing to adopt as well. And honestly, adoption would be perfered to natural children. In scripture, we are told that it is the work of God to look after the orphans and the widows. And yet thousands of children are without decent homes in this world because the people in them are too selfish. It makes me sick. And then theres all the ones who do adopt, but only want a baby because they are terrified an older child wont be "theirs"
Hate to break it to you, but no child is "yours" - you cannot own a human being, not even if its bought and paid for.
2) I prayed that God would give me kids, if it would get me out of the workforce. Oh I was so sick of trying to survive in a place where I no longer felt I belonged. I didnt have it in me, the manipulitveness, the backstabbing, the polotics, the ass-kissing. Its not me. It got to the point where every morning when I got up and turned on the shower I would throw up just from the sheer repetitiveness of it.
3)I didnt think I was a good parent. My temper, my mental instability... I still struggle with the fear that Im not a good parent - happy healthy children aside. I do better with older kids, I know how to handle them better.
4)I had to get off the birthcontrol. It was either that, or kill myself young with a stroke. I told the TIgger I had quit taking it. He knew he was supposed to see his dr. He didnt.
Passive agreement, basically, to have a child. ok, maybe passive/aggressive dysfunctional agreement, but there it is.
But it didnt prepare me. The root of the problem was still that I didnt beleive that I should be having a child, and that still sticks to me and eats at me. Oh, I know theres plenty of scriptural arguments that say I should... I wont deny that I shuddered a bit every time I read that a woman is saved through childbirth. I still wonder at the "multiply" issue... ...technically that means at *least* three kids... two isnt multiplying, its just replacing.... But Im pretty sure I couldnt survive another, so - its stopping at 2 - no matter what. (ok, barring outright miricle- and I wouldnt put it past Him if it suited Him)
So how do I get around the - I didnt want it but now I have it thing?
Its not that I dont love my kids... I do - madly and completely. Eva is the sweetest, most well behaved little creature for the most part, and shes so much *fun*. Jade is - adorable. Just adorable, and I could no longer imagine my life without them. It would be so very, very empty.
But somewhere in my spirit is still a little being screaming - "I dont want this"
Kids brought the house, which didnt help.
or maybe its the same cake, different slice....
See, all of it - the husband, the kids, the house... it ties me to this world. And this is not a place I want to belong to. Oh, Im thankful enough... there are glimpses of beauty here and amazing things that just spin my head.
But *this* is not myhome.
Im just a traveller here and Ive felt it keenly for a great deal of my life. Id walk away from all of it with no regrets tomorrow. Pack a bag with just a change of clothes, a few candles for shabbat and... well, I dont need much else, really. Oh - my bible. *That* I would not... no - I tell a lie. I could part with my bible if I had too. I can always find another, I can always wonder into a church and read for a while. So there it is.
I feel chained. Anchored. Like my feet are in cement and I can see the sky but cant breathe the air.
Thats the biggest thing Im facing.
Losing my friends and my father... thats all just something else. ANother rant for another time.
But for now, I just want to be free. I want to escape. I want a one room rental with no furniture and nothing to lose.
My time my own to pray and to sing and to love.
It was easier to love than, too - Easier to love people when I dont... cant compete.
I get that now.
So what I have to do is find a way to be Martha, when I want to be Mary. To content myself with the service where I am and find freedom...within it.
Not change my nature, but adapt it.
As Spawn has tought me - you must adapt, or die.
Today is not a good day to die... the piano gets delivered on the 20th. *eyes roll*
one more fetter.
ugh.
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