Heavier today than I ever have been before, and Im very discouraged. Ive got a pretty good idea as to *why* Im gaining. It includes lack of gym time, and too many sedentary hobbies - including WoW, (yes Im playing again - why do I feel like Ive just confessed to smoking crack?) Cross stitch (at least that one is *productive*) Constant chatting (at least with that, I can do sit ups between responses - as long as Im not doing cross-stitch or WoW at the time) and ummm - evening activities that make me consume far too much crap food.
Bah.
I am fully disgusted with myself.
must fix.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Rants # 2875 & 2876
#2875 - Internet Quizzes.
Are we so insecure, and know so little about ourselves that we need a perfect stranger, with crappy reasoning methods, to tell us what kind of cupcake we are?
As of this moment, Im breaking my addiction. The only people in the world who need to know who I am, already do.
And If *I* dont know what kind of mental illness I have, what kind of socks I should be wearing, or What Decepticon I am - Than I either am very dumb, or dont need to know.
#2876 - Summer movies.
Micheal Bay is not doing any more Transformers movies, because he doesnt like the things people say about them. This bothers me.
I do not watch summer blockbusters for the plot. I dont watch them for the philosophy. I do not watch them to think.
If Im going to shell out good money in July, to go and see a movie, I want it to be full of pretty people doing stupid things - perferably with lots of explosions and fighting. If they can work swords into the equation, I am beyond pleased.
Transformers is a movie about talking robots who want to take over the earth. If you want anything philosophical, or deep out of that, than you need to go take a few more internet quizzes, k?
Are we so insecure, and know so little about ourselves that we need a perfect stranger, with crappy reasoning methods, to tell us what kind of cupcake we are?
As of this moment, Im breaking my addiction. The only people in the world who need to know who I am, already do.
And If *I* dont know what kind of mental illness I have, what kind of socks I should be wearing, or What Decepticon I am - Than I either am very dumb, or dont need to know.
#2876 - Summer movies.
Micheal Bay is not doing any more Transformers movies, because he doesnt like the things people say about them. This bothers me.
I do not watch summer blockbusters for the plot. I dont watch them for the philosophy. I do not watch them to think.
If Im going to shell out good money in July, to go and see a movie, I want it to be full of pretty people doing stupid things - perferably with lots of explosions and fighting. If they can work swords into the equation, I am beyond pleased.
Transformers is a movie about talking robots who want to take over the earth. If you want anything philosophical, or deep out of that, than you need to go take a few more internet quizzes, k?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Dark.
Very, very dark.
Ive been getting better, I think. Im actually motivated to do things. I want to clean my house again, I want to move again, and eat healthfully. And its not just wanting, its actually moving into practice, which is a huge thing.
But at the same time, I havent left the house in almost 2 weeks, and I keep making excuses not to. Its easy enough to do. Its not that it scares me, its just that I dont like it. Its fake, and hard, and if I could avoid people for the rest of my life, I think I would.
Its that, and my writing that tells me how deeply depressed I still am. I wrote three little "blurbs" this morning. Most of my characters seem to be going through identity crisis of some kind. I suppose its just where I am. But I dont like it. I dont like this dark wondering and feeling of being trapped in a mental darkness that I cant escape.
One muse, wants to know who she is, one, wants contact, and one wants not just pleasure, but joy.
One, that I didnt "blurb" for, and should have, just wants his identity back.
Similer as the first, but not really.
Reality is getting ugly again.
Ive been getting better, I think. Im actually motivated to do things. I want to clean my house again, I want to move again, and eat healthfully. And its not just wanting, its actually moving into practice, which is a huge thing.
But at the same time, I havent left the house in almost 2 weeks, and I keep making excuses not to. Its easy enough to do. Its not that it scares me, its just that I dont like it. Its fake, and hard, and if I could avoid people for the rest of my life, I think I would.
Its that, and my writing that tells me how deeply depressed I still am. I wrote three little "blurbs" this morning. Most of my characters seem to be going through identity crisis of some kind. I suppose its just where I am. But I dont like it. I dont like this dark wondering and feeling of being trapped in a mental darkness that I cant escape.
One muse, wants to know who she is, one, wants contact, and one wants not just pleasure, but joy.
One, that I didnt "blurb" for, and should have, just wants his identity back.
Similer as the first, but not really.
Reality is getting ugly again.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Feel like a broken record...
But honestly, people - what does it take to live the life you really want to live? Other than probably more time in a day than there is. I dont want to be mediocre. I dont want to just - watch my life go by. But Im tired, and Im sick, and ... I guess Im not sure I have the courage necessary.
Its not like I want anything that needs alot of money. Its not even that the life I want to lead is... complicated.
And yet here I stand, (or sit, rather) once again at my computer whining about how Im not happy with the way things are.
Its like - pulling on data from a previous post, every once in a while my Id and Super-ego get together and gang up on my ego.
THey want fresh air and a breeze, they want prayer and they want physical activity. They want the house empty of "crap" and my children tought lessons in stillness, patience, and contentment. They want me to clean house and bake bread and quit being so wishy washy about - well - *everything*.
But the ego is tired, and sick, and lonely.
The super-ego wants to take the kids out - go shopping, get things done.
The Id wants to take them to the park, let them run around like mad things and be free.
The ego wants to go back to bed and stay there. It wants a child free day. It wants a day without tears and cartoons and demands.
It wants to figure out exactly where and what *it* wants *laughs*.
Oh, I know I sound intirely dissociative and psycho here.... And maybe I am, who knows... but I dont really recognize them as different "people" - just facets of one singular personality.
A personality that is all too human, with a dark side, and the Holy Spirit inhabiting it. Its probably why the "darker" side and the more spiritual side have such similer plans and goals.
I wonder if that concept of true inner peace, is simply when the Id, Ego, and Super-Ego all finally "merge". And I think that is the true, life long struggle. When your parts finally become one united whole, than...you have real peace. True understanding.
My Id and ego are so very close together... Well, more than most people, I think. Oh they dont *look* the same. *laughs* but what they want from life is remarkably alike.
Its just "me" who - isnt fitting with the plan. And maybe thats why I struggle *so* hard, and am so very aware of it. I think if your Id and super ego dont agree, its almost easier. Than you just have to choose between "wrong" and "right". But I dont have that. Instead, I have more a conflict between my "outside" influences, and the pull of those two... What other people expect of me, and what *I* expect of me.
Unless... Unless my "Id" isnt so much of what I think it is, and in reality, its just a lazy, slovenly, dirty *Mess*. But that doesnt really sound right. That... to me just sounds like "depression" - squared. Its why the house is cleaner where I "live" the most, because I cant *handle* that mess so much. No - thats not really me... its just - another outside influence.
*laughs* its really hard to have a mess, and clutter, when you really dont want to own much *laughs* when your whole desire is to be in that small emptly space with just a laptop and an ipod and a bible. (or alternatively, a wide open empty space, with a laptop, an ipod, and a bible *laughs*)
So I think, my first real step, each day, has to banishing the depression. FInding a way to overcome its effects. And I do recognize that a good chunk of that is both getting outside, getting exercise, and reading my bible.
*sighs*
Worship.
Fellowship.
Discipline.
It always comes back to those three.
Its not like I want anything that needs alot of money. Its not even that the life I want to lead is... complicated.
And yet here I stand, (or sit, rather) once again at my computer whining about how Im not happy with the way things are.
Its like - pulling on data from a previous post, every once in a while my Id and Super-ego get together and gang up on my ego.
THey want fresh air and a breeze, they want prayer and they want physical activity. They want the house empty of "crap" and my children tought lessons in stillness, patience, and contentment. They want me to clean house and bake bread and quit being so wishy washy about - well - *everything*.
But the ego is tired, and sick, and lonely.
The super-ego wants to take the kids out - go shopping, get things done.
The Id wants to take them to the park, let them run around like mad things and be free.
The ego wants to go back to bed and stay there. It wants a child free day. It wants a day without tears and cartoons and demands.
It wants to figure out exactly where and what *it* wants *laughs*.
Oh, I know I sound intirely dissociative and psycho here.... And maybe I am, who knows... but I dont really recognize them as different "people" - just facets of one singular personality.
A personality that is all too human, with a dark side, and the Holy Spirit inhabiting it. Its probably why the "darker" side and the more spiritual side have such similer plans and goals.
I wonder if that concept of true inner peace, is simply when the Id, Ego, and Super-Ego all finally "merge". And I think that is the true, life long struggle. When your parts finally become one united whole, than...you have real peace. True understanding.
My Id and ego are so very close together... Well, more than most people, I think. Oh they dont *look* the same. *laughs* but what they want from life is remarkably alike.
Its just "me" who - isnt fitting with the plan. And maybe thats why I struggle *so* hard, and am so very aware of it. I think if your Id and super ego dont agree, its almost easier. Than you just have to choose between "wrong" and "right". But I dont have that. Instead, I have more a conflict between my "outside" influences, and the pull of those two... What other people expect of me, and what *I* expect of me.
Unless... Unless my "Id" isnt so much of what I think it is, and in reality, its just a lazy, slovenly, dirty *Mess*. But that doesnt really sound right. That... to me just sounds like "depression" - squared. Its why the house is cleaner where I "live" the most, because I cant *handle* that mess so much. No - thats not really me... its just - another outside influence.
*laughs* its really hard to have a mess, and clutter, when you really dont want to own much *laughs* when your whole desire is to be in that small emptly space with just a laptop and an ipod and a bible. (or alternatively, a wide open empty space, with a laptop, an ipod, and a bible *laughs*)
So I think, my first real step, each day, has to banishing the depression. FInding a way to overcome its effects. And I do recognize that a good chunk of that is both getting outside, getting exercise, and reading my bible.
*sighs*
Worship.
Fellowship.
Discipline.
It always comes back to those three.
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