oh YES!!!

Last two weeks, I havent been able to work out- at all.
Because of an upping of my meds - well, to aviod a TMI situation, lets just say Ive had another roadblock of sorts, to my losing weight as well... an uncomfortable one, to say the least.

So - I havent been stepping on the scale. Ive been afraid to.
Today however, was weigh in, and I had to.

181! Down my weekly two pounds, but ... thats with sopping wet hair... so Im saying its really 180, because - well, yeah. It probably is...
But the point is, Ive lost at least 7, possibly even up to 9 pounds (trust me on this one, just go with me, ok?) in 4 weeks.

This week, Im back to the gym, so lets aim for another 5-7 pound weight loss in the next 2!
Oh *HAPPY*HAPPY*HAPPY* Day!

So Very Frustrated.

I Miss Church.

I miss the worship, the learning, the people, the interaction.

Im lonely and starving for edification of any kind.

I cant go back to W.  With D there, it just feels too odd.  Too many ghosts and too much imagined pressure that I cant get past.  Never mind the fact that the building itself really puts me off.  Millions of dollars spent catering to the Country Club Set while the homeless and the mentally challenged in our city go without help with another harsh winter coming up.  It makes me sick.

My little "Outlands" Church is impossible.  Too far away to get there with the kids, and So much expectation for us to move there.  We know eventually we might end up back there, just because we still want to move there, but in the meantime...

Pent. Church's aren't satisfying anymore.  Too many years of Judiasm highlighting it and the hypocrisy of it all... the politics.. it just makes me cry.  Even the best of them are faking their way through something thats supposed to be victory when I think what really needed is humility and brokeness.

Never mind the fact that I just simply cant tolerate "Christian" holidays anymore.  Dressing up Pagan festivals in ill-fitting Christian Garb...  Its a little horrifying, really.  And The Jewish holidays I find confusing and without leadership I cant figure my way through most of them.

And than - theres the "School"

*sighs*

OK, there was a falling out between my friends and I, and there have been some tentitive outreaches on both sides, but nothing really - done.

And then We tried going back.  And promptly got smacked in the face.

Honestly folks, how would you take it if a church's first reaction to you crossing their threshold was to call an emergency board meeting?

Honestly....

They sent a board member to "talk" to us.  A board member who quit the board quickly after.

I havent heard from them since.

Again, there have been tentative outreaches of the friends on both sides, but nothing that I could remember to attend or even had much interest in.  

So no, I dont really want to go back *there*.

But Im lonely.  I miss my friends.

I miss having friends - period.

I know Im difficult.  Granted, when no one ever tells you *when* you screw up, its pretty hard to change the behavior.  And without people around me to trust, theres no one to tell me anyways, is there?

I love church.  I really do.

I remember when I used to go to 6 services a week.  

Sunday morning and night.

Tuesday, midweek service at a friends church.

Wednesday was Bible Study.

THursday was Choir

Friday was Youth Group.

I started a prayer meeting on Mondays. *laughs*  We used to fit more than 20 in my little apartment, and we would pray for hours.  It was fabulous.

Saturdays we would take day trips.  My friends and I from Youth.  We would go to the mall, the Victoria Habour, to see my mother in the hospital...

and we would sing hymns.

I realized in those years what it meant what it really meant in the scriptures that "Better is one day as a gatekeeper for the Lord, than a thousand without"

I had more fun, shut in the backroom, stamping hymnals alone that I did at school, or at the mall, or doing most anything else.

I realize now, and too late, that I should have been some kind of monk, or nun.  But it doesnt change the fact that I *NEED* a church.  I cant go much longer without one and I dont know what to do.

Im lost.

Heaven in a cup!

1/2 - 1 cup of mixed frozen fruit (mango, strawberry, peach)
40g vanilla protein powder
2 tbsp honey
1tbsp flax seed oil
1/2 - 3/4 cup water

blend till frothy.

Imagine if you will, drinkable whipped cream, with a gentle fruit flavour, and the nutritional value of a perfectly balanced meal. Oh yes, and the ability to keep you full for at least 3 hours. Its honestly the best mix and blend Ive come up with yet, and I highly recommend it as a snack or even a light lunch. If you want a bit more antioxident power, than I would go the cranberry, blueberry and strawberry route - lovely purple drink, instead of the light peach of the above. However, it has the tendency to get a little runny, wheras the mango/peach combo makes it thick and light.
Ambrosia - Sheer Ambrosia.

((And if its been a really bad day, add two shots of vodka - it makes it a little less frothy, but it sure will make *you* feel better *laughs*

YaY!!!!!!!

5 pounds down!
Im a quarter of the way there!

If I can keep this up, in 6 more weeks, Ill be at my "current" goal - down to a size 10-12.
Im rather happy and healthy there, but... oh but...
20 after that is my ideal goal. 6-8. I looks *so* damn good there. Thats where I was when I was married. Thats where my leather pants are, my long skirts, my kilt.... 16-20 weeks. total to get me there. If... if....
oh, Ill happily hang out at a 10-12 for a while. Give my body a chance to adjust.
But after Christmas.... *eg*
oh yes..........
*bounce*bounce*bounce*

15 more pounds to go though, for now.
hopefully, just 6 more weeks.
damn I feel smug!

BTW - Apryl

You didnt give me enough time.. so - my favorites?








The first and the last, in particular, seem to suit how *Ive* been feeling lately, at least.
Beautiful work though, on all accounts. I wouldnt mind getting a couple blown up a bit and framed.... something nice and tasteful... for the house. Advertise my little sis a bit )

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high-tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much w orse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off...after I laugh my butt off.

9. This is my oath.
I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask
-- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

also - down 4 pounds as of today!

It comes in threes - they say.

My Father, Tiggers Caousin, and now my grandfather.

Dick Trehearn meant much more to me than my own Dad did, and Im not sure he knows that.
When I was 15, he took me for icecream. My own Father never did that.
When I was 16, He made me a rolling pin. He offered to build me to scale a case to hold all my unicorn statues in. It was never made, but Im sure if I had sent him spec's, it would have been.

And just this year, failing as he was, he made me a sugar bowl. Its beautiful. Ill never use it, but Ill never get rid of it either.

When I announced my engagement to the Tigger, He and grandma came out to meet him. No one else did. Not my Father, not my sister, no one... but Grandpa and Grandma.

I think, though my interactions with him have been so very limited, he was more a Father to me than anyone else ever has been. (Ian doesnt count - although I will never discount all those fabulous mornings, and all the smokes, and all the singing in the rain - He was an amazing dad/brother crossover, but Grandpa - he sticks more in my mind as "Pater Familus" - Father.)

There is a high, high cost to being so blessed as I have been, to have so many families claim you as thier own, to being, in the end, so wanted and loved as I have been.
You have so much more to lose.

1 Year is not long enough when you live so far away.
1 Year is not long enough when the "knowing" part of you hopes its a much shorter sentence.
1 Year is not long enough, when the selfish, defiant, human part of you is hoping for 10.
1 Year is not enough, when the realistic part of you knows it wont be even that long.

and so I ask - how much can I take?
How much loss can one survive and not go mad?
How much stress can one person take on thier mental capacities?

Stress....
Am I glass, wood, or iron?
How many times can a sword be reforged to become stronger before it simply becomes brittle?
How long till I shatter?

2 pounds down

as of today. 18 more to go.

and yes, Ironman is the best superhero movie Ive seen as of yet... with one exception.
But its definitely up there.