But honestly, people - what does it take to live the life you really want to live? Other than probably more time in a day than there is. I dont want to be mediocre. I dont want to just - watch my life go by. But Im tired, and Im sick, and ... I guess Im not sure I have the courage necessary.
Its not like I want anything that needs alot of money. Its not even that the life I want to lead is... complicated.
And yet here I stand, (or sit, rather) once again at my computer whining about how Im not happy with the way things are.
Its like - pulling on data from a previous post, every once in a while my Id and Super-ego get together and gang up on my ego.
THey want fresh air and a breeze, they want prayer and they want physical activity. They want the house empty of "crap" and my children tought lessons in stillness, patience, and contentment. They want me to clean house and bake bread and quit being so wishy washy about - well - *everything*.
But the ego is tired, and sick, and lonely.
The super-ego wants to take the kids out - go shopping, get things done.
The Id wants to take them to the park, let them run around like mad things and be free.
The ego wants to go back to bed and stay there. It wants a child free day. It wants a day without tears and cartoons and demands.
It wants to figure out exactly where and what *it* wants *laughs*.
Oh, I know I sound intirely dissociative and psycho here.... And maybe I am, who knows... but I dont really recognize them as different "people" - just facets of one singular personality.
A personality that is all too human, with a dark side, and the Holy Spirit inhabiting it. Its probably why the "darker" side and the more spiritual side have such similer plans and goals.
I wonder if that concept of true inner peace, is simply when the Id, Ego, and Super-Ego all finally "merge". And I think that is the true, life long struggle. When your parts finally become one united whole, than...you have real peace. True understanding.
My Id and ego are so very close together... Well, more than most people, I think. Oh they dont *look* the same. *laughs* but what they want from life is remarkably alike.
Its just "me" who - isnt fitting with the plan. And maybe thats why I struggle *so* hard, and am so very aware of it. I think if your Id and super ego dont agree, its almost easier. Than you just have to choose between "wrong" and "right". But I dont have that. Instead, I have more a conflict between my "outside" influences, and the pull of those two... What other people expect of me, and what *I* expect of me.
Unless... Unless my "Id" isnt so much of what I think it is, and in reality, its just a lazy, slovenly, dirty *Mess*. But that doesnt really sound right. That... to me just sounds like "depression" - squared. Its why the house is cleaner where I "live" the most, because I cant *handle* that mess so much. No - thats not really me... its just - another outside influence.
*laughs* its really hard to have a mess, and clutter, when you really dont want to own much *laughs* when your whole desire is to be in that small emptly space with just a laptop and an ipod and a bible. (or alternatively, a wide open empty space, with a laptop, an ipod, and a bible *laughs*)
So I think, my first real step, each day, has to banishing the depression. FInding a way to overcome its effects. And I do recognize that a good chunk of that is both getting outside, getting exercise, and reading my bible.
*sighs*
Worship.
Fellowship.
Discipline.
It always comes back to those three.
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