According to the Dr.

I have been having panic attacks.

Its strange, because I dont feel panicked or anxious at all, but looking at the psychology of it all, it makes sense. Ive stuffed issues for the last 2 or 3 years. Things that have happened that were largely unavoidable in some lights, that I wasnt able to cope with. And there have been a great deal of them.
One by one they have piled up to an extent where I dont even feel many emotions anymore, but my body, and brain, and heart react where my emotions cant, causing "neurological storms" heart problems, stroke symptoms, migraines, and shortness of breath.
Basically, I start dealing with things, or this could kill me, I suppose.

I know the first issue, really, was my getting pregnant in the first place. Such a bundle of contradictory emotions there.
1) I dont beleive that Christians should have kids, unless they are willing to adopt as well. And honestly, adoption would be perfered to natural children. In scripture, we are told that it is the work of God to look after the orphans and the widows. And yet thousands of children are without decent homes in this world because the people in them are too selfish. It makes me sick. And then theres all the ones who do adopt, but only want a baby because they are terrified an older child wont be "theirs"
Hate to break it to you, but no child is "yours" - you cannot own a human being, not even if its bought and paid for.
2) I prayed that God would give me kids, if it would get me out of the workforce. Oh I was so sick of trying to survive in a place where I no longer felt I belonged. I didnt have it in me, the manipulitveness, the backstabbing, the polotics, the ass-kissing. Its not me. It got to the point where every morning when I got up and turned on the shower I would throw up just from the sheer repetitiveness of it.
3)I didnt think I was a good parent. My temper, my mental instability... I still struggle with the fear that Im not a good parent - happy healthy children aside. I do better with older kids, I know how to handle them better.
4)I had to get off the birthcontrol. It was either that, or kill myself young with a stroke. I told the TIgger I had quit taking it. He knew he was supposed to see his dr. He didnt.
Passive agreement, basically, to have a child. ok, maybe passive/aggressive dysfunctional agreement, but there it is.

But it didnt prepare me. The root of the problem was still that I didnt beleive that I should be having a child, and that still sticks to me and eats at me. Oh, I know theres plenty of scriptural arguments that say I should... I wont deny that I shuddered a bit every time I read that a woman is saved through childbirth. I still wonder at the "multiply" issue... ...technically that means at *least* three kids... two isnt multiplying, its just replacing.... But Im pretty sure I couldnt survive another, so - its stopping at 2 - no matter what. (ok, barring outright miricle- and I wouldnt put it past Him if it suited Him)

So how do I get around the - I didnt want it but now I have it thing?
Its not that I dont love my kids... I do - madly and completely. Eva is the sweetest, most well behaved little creature for the most part, and shes so much *fun*. Jade is - adorable. Just adorable, and I could no longer imagine my life without them. It would be so very, very empty.

But somewhere in my spirit is still a little being screaming - "I dont want this"

Kids brought the house, which didnt help.
or maybe its the same cake, different slice....
See, all of it - the husband, the kids, the house... it ties me to this world. And this is not a place I want to belong to. Oh, Im thankful enough... there are glimpses of beauty here and amazing things that just spin my head.
But *this* is not myhome.
Im just a traveller here and Ive felt it keenly for a great deal of my life. Id walk away from all of it with no regrets tomorrow. Pack a bag with just a change of clothes, a few candles for shabbat and... well, I dont need much else, really. Oh - my bible. *That* I would not... no - I tell a lie. I could part with my bible if I had too. I can always find another, I can always wonder into a church and read for a while. So there it is.

I feel chained. Anchored. Like my feet are in cement and I can see the sky but cant breathe the air.
Thats the biggest thing Im facing.

Losing my friends and my father... thats all just something else. ANother rant for another time.

But for now, I just want to be free. I want to escape. I want a one room rental with no furniture and nothing to lose.
My time my own to pray and to sing and to love.
It was easier to love than, too - Easier to love people when I dont... cant compete.
I get that now.

So what I have to do is find a way to be Martha, when I want to be Mary. To content myself with the service where I am and find freedom...within it.
Not change my nature, but adapt it.
As Spawn has tought me - you must adapt, or die.

Today is not a good day to die... the piano gets delivered on the 20th. *eyes roll*
one more fetter.

ugh.