Yesterday was easier on Akiva, and harder on me.
The Dr. appt was three people, all giving me questions - minute details about how she lives that just about drove me crazy. There was the pediatrician, the intern in her last year, and the med student in her last year.
They also scored her for FAS.
So - I am the ultimate in selfish bitch. I destroyed my childrens lives, even before they got started. I didnt consider how much I could damage them, I thought only of myself. And I will spend the rest of my life paying for that - and so will they.
Dealing with that - Im not sure Ill ever quite hit the forgiveness there.
The autism, well - yeah
maybe I should have kept my word - maybe I shouldnt have had kids at all.
But in moments when I am truthful - at least to myself, I wanted children. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I prayed for it. When I was alone, and throwing up sick because if I had to deal with work, for one more day, I was going to lose my mind.
I finally cried this morning - not long, but I did.
What really got to me, was the Social Worker appt.
One of the questions she asked, and Im supposeing has to ask, is "How hard will be for you, tomorrow, if you learn that Akiva is autistic?"
I thought about that for a moment...
Akiva, has been showing signs of autism, since she was old enough to function.
Shes obviously a high functioning autistic, but - never the less, thats there.
Telling me she is autistic, does not give her the desiese. She isnt coming in without it, and leaving with it.
That label, or title, is simply a signpoint on the road - a detour thats slightly more scenic through childhood. It tells us that she needs a different road - maybe a different vehicle to handle it. It tells us how to handle it, and gives us the knowledge that the road *is* going to be different.
How is that a bad thing?
I guess some parents freak out. Hearing it, is hard for them.
Just like alot of parents, want people to come into thier homes and manage thier children for them - teach them, guide them.
Me - I want to learn how to do it myself. Parenting is *my* job - and I want to be the best parent I can for them Now.
I fucked up thier lives - I owe them that much. At the very least.
It wont make it right, but at least they will know that I never gave up.
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After the appt, I went to pick up Jade. I wanted to chat with Lisa, whos been down this road. I wanted to defrag my mind.
Trish was there.
She just sat there, and smiled at me.
I wanted to scream at her. Vent every ounce of my rage at her.
"How dare you? How dare you sit there and smile at me, when you abandoned me in one of the worst moments of my life? I was alone, sick, with a dying parent. I was pregnant, and dealing with life changes that I had no precedent for. And you just walked away. And now you sit there, and fucking smirk at me while your two perfectly healthy children play and talk and do all these normal things... "
"you could have helped me - you could have been a support for me, and instead, you watched from a distance while my life fucking fell apart."
I think - I hate them. Im not used to hating people. There have been multiple people who have hurt me, and I havent liked them.... but I didnt really *know* them, either.
But these people?
*sighs* These people who really, I need to forgive and let go of? So *I* dont become poisoned with bitterness and cancer of the soul?
Yeah, right now - I hate them.
So thats me today - filled with anger and rage and self loathing.
I will eventually get over it
but for today - thats me.
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