I hate this world, and I want to go Home.
Im not suicidal. Its not that kind of depression.
Im just - angry.
Mostly at people. Its been growing on me since my last trip to the Rockies, where what I saw made me so angry, so sick to my stomach, that I think it may be what ruined my vacation. Its not at all like it was, even five years ago.
There is now fence up, all along the borders of the road. I understand why... its to protect the animals from the Stupid. But the fact that it has to be done. The fact that we are now caging the animals from - or into - ever smaller pieces of natural habitat...
My children, will never know what it was like to turn a corner, and see a whole herd of majestic big horned sheep on the road. They will never see bears, or moose, or wolves, wondering along the sides of the road, as I have done. And those animals, have had thier migritory patterns changed. Theyve had thier freedom, to an extent, taken from them on such a grand scale, that it - it *hurts*.
I want to throw up again, just thinking about it. We seem incapable of sharing the planet with them. We have this need to so completely *own* everything, that we cant even give them that tiny scrap of space unaltered.
And now, theres a huge ugly plant, right on the frontside of the Rockies. They are widening the road, and huge tracks of wild land are being torn up ,to handle the amount of people who come through there every year. Instead of keeping it small, to limit and to protect - they have gone the opposite direction, and... everytime I saw a massive machine, bent on destruction and control of what we should have never touched, I almost cried.
Im glad I slept, the entire way back... I think I would have had a full breakdown, if I had to look at all of that again.
We, as a race - *sighs*
I know we were created in the image of God. I know, that we *are*capable* of great nobility, love, patience...
But we are selfish, cruel, heartless, dominating. We are so full of hate, and fear, that we just - we seem more like demons, then angels, every single day.
And I want to go Home. Im so tired, of the ugly, the constant greed and...endless demand.
I know - I know so well, that we cannot be truely content, here. There will always be something more we want, because our souls are wired to desire Heaven and God. Only He can fill that void.
But - more sex, more things, more food, a smaller phone, ipod, a bigger home, more movies, more books, a better razor, nicer hair, a new face, new clothes - none of it will *EVER* satisfy us.
Every time I start my vehicle, I want to throw up. I know cars are necessity, but - the absolute destruction of our planet, that we have ensured in our greed and lust - and how - convinced we are that we *do* need these things... How can any of us hope to stand in the face of our creator, and even *dare* to hope - to hear "Well Done" - when we are - all of us - so miserably and entirely ... mistaken.
SO yes, I am angry, and depressed. And its - *laughs* its taking away my "Zen"
I can look at the most beautiful golden tree, the amazing indian summer skies, and all I can ask is - "How much more beautiful, will this be in Heaven"?
If this world is just a pale shadow, of what is to come, and if *there* - the hate, and the anger, and the fear, will all be gone - then thats the only place I want to be. If this earth, and everything in it, cannot satisfy, then I want to go to where I *can* be satisfied.
I dont want to watch another movie or tv show, that is filled with hate, and fear, and murder, and lust. I dont want to read another story, that is simply - a pointless exercise in intellect or - more likely, the traits Ive mentioned above, to distract me from the - mundane.
And the reason why Ive been putting this "rant" off? Is because I dont even want to write. I most certainly didnt want to write *this* - because its nothing that hasnt been done a billion times before.
Nothing I can do, on this earth, is going to satisfy the need I currently have. No one on this planet, can satisfy my needs. I seem unable to do anything but relentlessly *compare*. Which, is of course, a sin in itself. Nothing *can* compare to what I seek.
But how...How do I get the satisfaction back, in the moment to moment of life? When everything that man does, seems to just disgust me, enrage me.
And it is rage. It gives me headaches endlessly, it upsets my stomach so that I can barely eat. I see no evidence of anybody, attempting, in the least, to develop those evasive "fruits of the Spirit"
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.People love, only what agrees with them. Joy, is unknown, except in destruction. Peace is a by-word for beauty-queens. Forbearance, is a word thats been so twisted, that no one even understands it. The church least of all. Kindness, is weak, Goodness - is something to deride. Faithfulness is mocked as stupidity and insipidity. Gentleness is - non existent. And in a world where hedonism is promoted, self-control is mocked.
And the worst of all of this, is that I dont even know a single person who even knows how those words - all of them - are to relate to every part of their life.
I want to go Home.
