So I stepped on the scale this morning. Ive been putting it off, because I *know* Ive put on more weight.
I didnt, however, expect to be up 20 pounds.
Thats right folks, as of this morning, I am 199.8.
Still only a size 14-16, but...
needless to say, Im going to the gym today.
I cant... I *wont* let the phrase "fat lazy whore" dictate my future.
Look - I know *most* of the people who read this blog are over that - but for one moment, step out of yourselves - and remember - that for *me* - this is a problem. I dont think anybody else is well - what my mother said about my mother...(and if you get that, then you do know me, and know..well - yeah...)
But this is where I am. And I feel - Its odd - Im so disappointed in myself, there really arent any words. Part of me just wants to hole up and never set foot outside again.
The other half of me wants to get my ass to the gym and just - live there. Not to work, but just to - shrink.
I *know* Im capable - and yes, I recognize that I should cut myself some slack, too - I know - Its not like these last few years have been easy. In fact, theyve really just been one massive transition of stress to another.
It can take years, just to get over a move. And I think Ive finally adjusted to that. And the babies...
but the mental handicaps? The vehicle changes? The job flux? Claytons work?
Compounded by the lack of friends? (Lisa, if you read this, you have *no* idea how much a treasure and value you - Star - you dont count *laughs* - your presence, unfortunately, is seriously taken for granted, and yes, as dependent on as someone is that you can take for granted, if you understand that - of course you do... you're *you*)
And yes, I know that 20 pounds, in light of recent things, - probably isnt even th at bad...
But Im me.
And I know that 5 years ago, I was a size 8 - almost down to 150...
And thats where I want to be
As soon as fucking possible.
Because you know what I *dont* need? On top of all the stress of kids starting school, me starting back at work, Tigger fighting to keep his own identity, and feeling enough pressure to play a fucking *game* that Im ready to quit altogether?
I dont need to feel like everybody is staring at me, thinking "She would be so attractive "if" - or "What happened to her" or "Shes let herself go so badly - I wonder why he stays with her"
Dont tell me people dont think it - I know they do.
this is my current "depression" - boxed and packaged.
yeah - prayers are appreciated, but not necessary.
and someday, Ill get into that rant.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Been a long time
but I guess its time for some picspam.
First of all, a story.
My husband was taking out the trash one evening, and watched a curious event. He watched as a car squeeled to a stop to aviod hitting something, the driver got out, picked up something from the road, threw it onto our front lawn, got up and left.
C went over to see what it was, already fairly sure that it was a dead cat, or bird. Something the driver had hit, then threw out of the way. To his absolute shock and amazement, he found a *very* fast moving turtle. SO fast moving in fact, that he had trouble catching it.
He brought it inside, and a few hours of fun began. First of all, we had to find a place to put it. Eventually, we figured the sand box out back, and set it down in there, where it began to do laps around the perimeter, and repeatedly end up on its back from consistent escape attempts.
After a bit of research, we found a number to call, and got animal services to come out to collect it. And I continued to do research as to what *kind* Of turtle it was.
Many photos were to follow, and a few pranks given, but over all, I think the turtle was fairly happy about its relocation and temperory home, and I continued to research.
Animal Control was there within a few hours, and they had to admit, it was probably the first time they had been called to pick up a stray *turtle*.
After a little while, I came to the conclusion that it had been a red eared slider. A particular brand of turtle that is quite common on the west coast, and not "precisely" legal to own, not being native to Canada at all. They grow to be rather large, and live to a very old age.
So imagine my surprise when Animal Control called me and said they had found it was an entirely different species of turtle... one that *is* common to our region, and - oddly, looks very little like the turtle we rescued.
But - will be far easier to convince to adopt.
Once again, I am convinced, - that people are idiots.
In other news, little sister went to Disneyland, and picked up Mickey ears for the kids, and we've almost finished our back to school shopping.
I also bought the Halloween costumes, - so watch for the future escapeds of the Romeo Vampire and the Strawberry Fairy. *grins*
First of all, a story.
My husband was taking out the trash one evening, and watched a curious event. He watched as a car squeeled to a stop to aviod hitting something, the driver got out, picked up something from the road, threw it onto our front lawn, got up and left.
C went over to see what it was, already fairly sure that it was a dead cat, or bird. Something the driver had hit, then threw out of the way. To his absolute shock and amazement, he found a *very* fast moving turtle. SO fast moving in fact, that he had trouble catching it.
He brought it inside, and a few hours of fun began. First of all, we had to find a place to put it. Eventually, we figured the sand box out back, and set it down in there, where it began to do laps around the perimeter, and repeatedly end up on its back from consistent escape attempts.
After a bit of research, we found a number to call, and got animal services to come out to collect it. And I continued to do research as to what *kind* Of turtle it was.
Many photos were to follow, and a few pranks given, but over all, I think the turtle was fairly happy about its relocation and temperory home, and I continued to research.
Animal Control was there within a few hours, and they had to admit, it was probably the first time they had been called to pick up a stray *turtle*.
After a little while, I came to the conclusion that it had been a red eared slider. A particular brand of turtle that is quite common on the west coast, and not "precisely" legal to own, not being native to Canada at all. They grow to be rather large, and live to a very old age.
So imagine my surprise when Animal Control called me and said they had found it was an entirely different species of turtle... one that *is* common to our region, and - oddly, looks very little like the turtle we rescued.
But - will be far easier to convince to adopt.
Once again, I am convinced, - that people are idiots.
In other news, little sister went to Disneyland, and picked up Mickey ears for the kids, and we've almost finished our back to school shopping.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Narcissics, Sociopaths, and Thieves......
Or Why the Church is the Most Dangerous Place on Earth
Lets talk about Bible College.
1) The people who decide to go, can easily be split into groups.
a) People who are forced by parental figures. These usually take one year party programs, and if it wasnt that they are usually being trained to go to another country for half the year, would seriously never see the end of their programs. They dont want to be there, so they have to make the programs as fun as possible, and in the mean time, try to get these people to see how "blessed" they really are - in other words "Behave, or youll end up like the people we are helping"
b) People who believe they are called by God. You could argue that this is the most dangerous group, but I dont think so. Most of these people might even *honestly* have a relationship with God. They usually want to help people, and whether self-deluded or not, they work hard, and are sincere. The problem here is that they (ok, us, I would put myself in this group) usually have some sort of agenda they honestly beleive is Gods, and push it - hard. Unfortunately, this can be easily coloured by personal experience and values, and we have a habit of becoming fanatical.
c) People who have been *told* they have a calling - and believed it. These people are *dangerous*. They are power mongers, slightly psychotic, and usually excellent manipulators. In the church, it can be hard to tell them apart from the first group, because these people are pros. Unfortunately, they will be the ones who usually go on to become your Pastors. They play the politics game far better then us earnest souls who just want to help.
So this is who you train to be your leaders - Party people, the self deluded, and the sociopaths.
2) Now, lets talk about the people who usually are *attracted* to church....
a) Addicts. These people probably make up the largest population. They need something in control of thier lives, so God appeals to them. As long as that God "wants them to be happy" they can then moralize any action they want.
b) People who like the manipulators... or are like them. The people who want the "happy shiny people" to be them. AS long as everything looks good, they are happy. These people are to some degree, stuck in the 50's. They want that "Perfect American Dream" and believe God can get them there. They seem to forget that during the 50's while they lived in thier little bubbles of white supremacy, there was segregation, mental asylums to hide your unwanteds in, and rampaging alcohol and drug abuse throughout the female populations.
c) People honestly seeking answers. Unfortunately, these people never stay long in a "church" setting. They are too self-aware. They see the hypocrisy and they see the abuse and they flee. And if they dont, they become the church scapegoat, the constant volunteer, and might well get kicked out of a congregation for being honest.
d) Gold diggers. People who honestly believe that a ragged, homeless Galilean who held a faith that told us that wealth wasn't to be found on this earth, will make them rich. In other words - the self-deluded and stupid.
Now, let me take this opportunity to tell you a bit about what church - should be?
A gathering of honest believers.
In any house. (this includes internet chat rooms, trust me)
SHaring, talking, singing - if the spirit moves them (and it might - Ive been caught up in that more then once unexpectedly)
Giving glory to their God, verbally, and in their hearts.
Thankful for the breath they share, the food they eat, and the small blessings and the everyday miracles - the divine ambushes, that let us know on a day to day basis, that there is a God who loves us.
there doesnt need to be a leader. If its real, God will give wisdom as He sees fit, to whomever needs it. (by the way, *real* "pastors" rise to the top in those situations - men and women so given to scripture and study and the Word, that they know a golden apple in a setting of silver when they see it)
People who are will hug, and cry, and sing, and laugh with you. Not manipulate your emotions with carefully timed acting.
Yes, acting.
From a surviving believer - after bible college (Its where you go to lose your faith, trust me)
If you get through all 4 years, to emerge on the other side, you have a degree in manipulation, and how to professionally present yourself to *anybody*. You are a consummate actor, able to talk and fit in with anybody. The only theology you learn, is laced with lessons of how to indoctrinate and brain wash the addicts, and the weak minded. this is why the drop out rate in Bible College is so extreme. the ones who survive are not the ones who honestly want to help - its the ones who honestly believe they are better then anybody else, who want a little kingdom of their own, and watch it grow.
Looking back, I can see which of my Professors understood this, and which were converts themselves. The ones who were warning us, and the ones who wanted to be "King of Kings" for themselves. The ones who honestly were "survivors" of the church, compared to the professional, ragged actors, who were holding on to thier ambitions in a place where the line "those who cant do - teach" is a truism like no other.
You know why I like Boondock Saints, so much?
Because it alludes so strongly to the fact that these are modern boys, who understand what it takes, to be willing to die for thier faith.
They drink, smoke, get stoned, swear - and yes, they kill.
But they have *unshakable* faith in a God who accepts nothing less then thier whole beings.
They get it.
And so do I.
I will never go back to church. Not the way it is now.
I know to much.
Lets talk about Bible College.
1) The people who decide to go, can easily be split into groups.
a) People who are forced by parental figures. These usually take one year party programs, and if it wasnt that they are usually being trained to go to another country for half the year, would seriously never see the end of their programs. They dont want to be there, so they have to make the programs as fun as possible, and in the mean time, try to get these people to see how "blessed" they really are - in other words "Behave, or youll end up like the people we are helping"
b) People who believe they are called by God. You could argue that this is the most dangerous group, but I dont think so. Most of these people might even *honestly* have a relationship with God. They usually want to help people, and whether self-deluded or not, they work hard, and are sincere. The problem here is that they (ok, us, I would put myself in this group) usually have some sort of agenda they honestly beleive is Gods, and push it - hard. Unfortunately, this can be easily coloured by personal experience and values, and we have a habit of becoming fanatical.
c) People who have been *told* they have a calling - and believed it. These people are *dangerous*. They are power mongers, slightly psychotic, and usually excellent manipulators. In the church, it can be hard to tell them apart from the first group, because these people are pros. Unfortunately, they will be the ones who usually go on to become your Pastors. They play the politics game far better then us earnest souls who just want to help.
So this is who you train to be your leaders - Party people, the self deluded, and the sociopaths.
2) Now, lets talk about the people who usually are *attracted* to church....
a) Addicts. These people probably make up the largest population. They need something in control of thier lives, so God appeals to them. As long as that God "wants them to be happy" they can then moralize any action they want.
b) People who like the manipulators... or are like them. The people who want the "happy shiny people" to be them. AS long as everything looks good, they are happy. These people are to some degree, stuck in the 50's. They want that "Perfect American Dream" and believe God can get them there. They seem to forget that during the 50's while they lived in thier little bubbles of white supremacy, there was segregation, mental asylums to hide your unwanteds in, and rampaging alcohol and drug abuse throughout the female populations.
c) People honestly seeking answers. Unfortunately, these people never stay long in a "church" setting. They are too self-aware. They see the hypocrisy and they see the abuse and they flee. And if they dont, they become the church scapegoat, the constant volunteer, and might well get kicked out of a congregation for being honest.
d) Gold diggers. People who honestly believe that a ragged, homeless Galilean who held a faith that told us that wealth wasn't to be found on this earth, will make them rich. In other words - the self-deluded and stupid.
Now, let me take this opportunity to tell you a bit about what church - should be?
A gathering of honest believers.
In any house. (this includes internet chat rooms, trust me)
SHaring, talking, singing - if the spirit moves them (and it might - Ive been caught up in that more then once unexpectedly)
Giving glory to their God, verbally, and in their hearts.
Thankful for the breath they share, the food they eat, and the small blessings and the everyday miracles - the divine ambushes, that let us know on a day to day basis, that there is a God who loves us.
there doesnt need to be a leader. If its real, God will give wisdom as He sees fit, to whomever needs it. (by the way, *real* "pastors" rise to the top in those situations - men and women so given to scripture and study and the Word, that they know a golden apple in a setting of silver when they see it)
People who are will hug, and cry, and sing, and laugh with you. Not manipulate your emotions with carefully timed acting.
Yes, acting.
From a surviving believer - after bible college (Its where you go to lose your faith, trust me)
If you get through all 4 years, to emerge on the other side, you have a degree in manipulation, and how to professionally present yourself to *anybody*. You are a consummate actor, able to talk and fit in with anybody. The only theology you learn, is laced with lessons of how to indoctrinate and brain wash the addicts, and the weak minded. this is why the drop out rate in Bible College is so extreme. the ones who survive are not the ones who honestly want to help - its the ones who honestly believe they are better then anybody else, who want a little kingdom of their own, and watch it grow.
Looking back, I can see which of my Professors understood this, and which were converts themselves. The ones who were warning us, and the ones who wanted to be "King of Kings" for themselves. The ones who honestly were "survivors" of the church, compared to the professional, ragged actors, who were holding on to thier ambitions in a place where the line "those who cant do - teach" is a truism like no other.
You know why I like Boondock Saints, so much?
Because it alludes so strongly to the fact that these are modern boys, who understand what it takes, to be willing to die for thier faith.
They drink, smoke, get stoned, swear - and yes, they kill.
But they have *unshakable* faith in a God who accepts nothing less then thier whole beings.
They get it.
And so do I.
I will never go back to church. Not the way it is now.
I know to much.
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