Another year, almost gone...

Im not sure what to say about this year.  It came, it went, and I think I only have one conclusion.
Its all too much.

There is too much information, too many interesting things, and too many time wasters.
There is too much danger, too many warning signs and too much ugliness.

My world, is admittedly small, and grandiose at the same time.
I have my husband, my kids, my cats.
Ive learned a great deal about myself, I suppose enough now, to know that I dont trust myself much.  Its not that Im not trust worthy - Its that my own heart, my own soul, is too
Well, I dont know.

I must have rules, and order.  I must have routine and stability.
Without those, I dont function well at all.
Cut loose from these things, I drift, terribly.  Maybe not so that it would concern anybody else, but for me, little things can be epic.
My days are now defined by words that I almost take as comfort - autistic, aspergers, epileptic.
They have made a great deal of sense out of a mostly chaotic, and confusing past.

But where do I go from here?
The World, is changing at a pace that I cant fathom - moving from darkness into darkness.  Its ..a comfort, I suppose, to bury my head against it.  SOmetimes, I think I see too much.  Other times, I know it.  Occasionally, I think I dont know anything.
Looking at the future terrifies me.

Yes, I *am* still "fatally optimistic".  I still Believe.  I see the End that was Written coming to bear around me every single day.  Thats what has me terrified.  How do you plan for tomorrow, even the next hour, when in that hour, the world could come crashing down?
If I look outward, Im paralyzed by fear.

If I try to manage my home - its no better.  I am "disabled".  My Children, are "disabled".  Nothing will ever be easy for us, or "normal" for us.  My day to day functioning is little better then capped chaos.  I lean hard on my husband.  Harder then I should, and harder then any man has an ability to bear.  He cleans up my messes.  Mentally, physically, He sets things right, time after time after time.  Its really not fair.

My inner world, is really no better.  Anxiety attacks, and dawning realizations.  I hide in fictional worlds because I can *cope* there.  Its easier when Im pulling the strings.

But let me be honest - even as "lost" as I feel at this moment, I still stand by my old rule "When you dont know where you are going, you are usually right where God needs you to be."
But at the moment, that simply has me going "Yeah, but *so*what*?"

OK, Im called to love people, and I do.  I love my friends, my family, my children.  But am I really doing them any good through all of that?
Im called to Worship God - I do.  And even as I struggle with things, Im grateful for what Hes shown me this year.  How many of my attitudes and outlooks have been changed and corrected.

Ironically, Im more convinced through all of this that I can never go back to Church.  There isnt a single one that I would feel at home in anymore.  Not one of them has a theology that I can support.  Not one of them, as a whole, has any real help for me.

Just the fact that many would believe that autism, aspergers, is somekind of satanic curse, right from the start, separates me from from them on a massive scale.
I rather, do firmly believe its a gift.
Now, add in my "political" beliefs.  I dont believe in owning property.  And as much as my time is wasted in "vain pursuits" - Any kind of real immersion in a church society would have me giving away my movies, my books, my belongings, en masse.  Never mind the *house* which - yes, Im thankful God provided a home for me - a home that we could afford in this economy.  Im thankful every day for a roof over our heads.  But if a viable, rentable option came up, (viable, here meaning affordable, redecoratable, and with enough room) Id jump at it.
Nor do I beleive in voting, or having *anything* to do with world politics at all.

And right there, Ive alienated pretty much everybody.

Add to that my sincerity about the need to love - and to *show* love, to everybody.
I dont care if they mock me, cut me off, bud in line, steal from me, or swear at me.
I dont care about their race, religion, or sexual preference.
I dont care if they are dressed in rags, or fashion.  If they are rich or poor.
I believe its my job to show love and kindness to them.

I dont want to hear gossip, and I dont want to speak ill of anyone.

And there goes almost every relationship I could ever have with another female, right out the door.

And for the grand finale, let it be known that I am ferocious when it comes to historical accuracy, that I despise the hoax of Christmas, and Easter, possibly more then anything else, believe that anything that the Catholic Church ever instituted is proof of its insane pagan roots, That Jesus was Jewish and if we *really* wanted to follow Him, then we too, would be.

Yeah, Id fit in *really* well at the local Baptist/Pentecostal/Methodist meeting, wouldnt I?

*sighs*
I guess Im angry.  Theres still alot of anger in me at God, *shrugs* if it has to be directed anywhere.  And really, I have no one but myself to blame.  I do keep asking for "more" - More of His knowledge, more of His spirit...
>>Tangent time<<

Seven sins - sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, pride, (hey look, I could name 5 before I had to look up the last two) greed and wrath.
These are *roots* of evil.
Eight virtues - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control
These are *fruits*

If the root is evil, you arent going to get any good fruit.  Its pretty basic.  I know what "fruits" I have trouble producing.  So, my "roots" are pretty obvious.  remember those stupid word matching games as kids - where you draw the line to and from?

sloth-------kindness
Envy-------joy
lust--------- faithfulness
gluttony ----self control
pride--------peace
greed------patience
wrath ------gentleness

Yes, I left off love...if you wonder why, then you really arent thinking, so lets drop that topic right now.
and yes, wrath, anger, is my big one.  Gluttony scores for me too.  Occasionally sloth and greed.  But mostly, its just wrath.  I lack gentleness. Big Time.
What about you?  Where are your roots hidden away, slowly producing fruit that will kill you?  What fruit *do* you have?

>>End Tangent<<

So yes, I want more.  I want to get rid of everything in me that is not of Him. 
Of course, my own lesson learned over and over and over here - that doesnt make life any *easier*.  In fact, more of God usually makes life *harder*.

And now its time for "famous movie examples" - Got your popcorn, this ones fun.
Lets look at Faramir, in Two Towers, Return of the King.
Faramirs told by his father, to go out and prove his quality.
His father doesnt like him much. 
While out trying not to die, he runs across *exactly* what his father wants, more then anything else.
The punchline, of course, its that its the hobbit gardener, that tells him "Youve proven your quality, sir, the very highest"  when Faramir *doesnt* take the ring of power, but instead sends the two rather helpless, and very hopeless hobbits off to certian doom, rather then bring back the gift that would lift him up in his Fathers eyes.

But Faramir sees the truth of it, and retorts with "Where you come from, master hobbit, gardeners must be held in the highest honor"
Taking the "right" path - hurts.

Faramirs father sends him to his own certain demise, when he finds out about this.  Ok, so Denethors insane, but the point is well
Wanting the right thing, - isnt just hard.  Its foolish, its insane, its standing in the path of every body "logical" around you and smiling as they cut you to ribbons.
Its listening to the gardener, when the king hates you.

Its fighting to love people who dont like you, dont want you, or think *you're* insane.
*sighs*

these are my thoughts for the day, and they suck.
SO be it.