Such is the conundrum of my life. It is a constant irritant to me that I do. Why do I feel that improvement is the key to my survival? What is it that drives me so hard?
Its a question Ive been asking myself a lot lately.
Ive handled it thusly...
1) My mind and body were designed to do certain things and react in certain ways. I have learned if I dont eat my breakfast, I end up feeling grumpy and depressed for the rest of the day. If I dont eat a *healthy* breakfast, its little better. If I get tired and complain about having to carry a 25 pound child through a mall, how much more grumpy and tired will I be carrying around an extra 45 pounds of nothing that I need? How much stress does carrying around that access weight but on my bones, on my arteries? Its honestly a bit scary. If watching or reading a certain genre of activities disrupts the way I think, and turns me into an unlikable person for those around me, then why would I willingly push those buttons? (Talking about certain horror films here) If not working or exercising, or eating right I know affects my depression, why would I stop doing those things...
More so... If there is a chance that certian things may further my mental ability to handle life effectively, to make me easier to deal with and a nicer person... than why would I *not* want to do them? Or at least try.
2) Being nice to people, being patient and loyal and caring for people... Looking for the good in things and focusing on the positive. Trying to live a more ordered, structured, gentle life. Why on earth would that ever be a bad thing? OK, yes - perhaps my obsession with it isnt always a good thing, and I have had to learn that pushing myself too hard makes me difficult too... but...
yeah, the way I am isnt bad. But wanting to be better isnt either.
3) and this is probably the biggest. I cant *not* care. Im just simply not built that way. I love people, I feel for them and I see endless possibilities within them. Their fears and their pettyness and thier problems all make me want to help them, and I see the negative ways they treat me, or others, and simply feel all the more sorry for them.
Oh, I get hurt. I get hurt alot. I will further get hurt a lot, but... its not going to stop me, I am beginning to realize that there really isnt much of an ability in me to be bitter, or resentful, or even hold a grudge.
I dont see this as a bad thing.
But I *am* intelligent enough to know that some people who have been in my life are bad influences on me. For years I have been wondering down roads that have not been... they havent taken me closer to my goals, but further from them.
Tehtah is my goal, as odd as that sounds. How I imagine her - with her 5000 years of wisdom and prayerful strength and humour. Shes me, I guess, as I want to be. Not perfect, but... *me* perfected, and I will never be perfect. Not sure if that makes any sense...
Me perfected, is not perfect.
:)
Im ok with that. I dont want to be perfect.
But I have learned that money will not make me happy, friends wont make me happy.
Family will add or take away from thier happiness, dependent on how I see them at the moment.
My happiness is dependent on me, and me alone.
Not caring about things - about my 20 feet... would be an impossibility.
And yes, even the friends who arent good for me, I care about. All of them. I care about them deeply. In the last year or so, I have learned though that I am *not* as much like them as I thought, and I *need* to be that separate person. I need to hold on to who I am when Im with them. And if they cant handle me not bending to them, then thats thier problem, not mine.
They all have the right to feel how they wish... and the power to react to me however they wish.
Supportive, or not. Compassionate or not.
My loyalty isnt in question.
And the one thing that I *have* to trian myself not to care about... is a negative reaction, but simply accept it, and go on. And in going on, I will still care about them. I will still be me.
So yes, I want to focus on the good, I want to be gentle and compassionate. I want to know God more, and in becoming more like Christ, become more and more the perfected me, who isnt perfect at all... ;)
*laughs*
Not caring - it isnt always the right size, Star... its never fit me quite right. If it fits you, than Im glad. Its certainly a lot safer.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9
If I could only live up to this.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Ahhh.... slight obsession....
Six seasons of Frasier later...
Oh how I want to take Niles, turn him into a prissy little vampire...
and than be the wild hearted woman who ruins him *wg*
Or have him run into someone like Wolverine and be ... well.. yes... ok..
forgive me, but its too easy when the actor himself is *so* gay.
Oh how I want to take Niles, turn him into a prissy little vampire...
and than be the wild hearted woman who ruins him *wg*
Or have him run into someone like Wolverine and be ... well.. yes... ok..
forgive me, but its too easy when the actor himself is *so* gay.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
So...
I havent talked about God in a long time. But today, Im going to break the silence and give you all an update on "where I am".
*sighs*
Life isnt fair.
Life isnt fair to us, it wasn't fair to the Saints, and it *certainly* wasn't fair to Jesus.
God owes me nothing. I have no right to even *ask* for anything from Him. My great and glorious God has given me *everything* - my talents, my life, the very oxygen I breath. He holds all things together - not just the galaxy but the cherries I sit here and eat, the computer on which I communicate and the rings on fingers. Even my children.
Life is hard. From 5Am to 9PM I complain and winge and storm and get frustrated over my lack of privacy, quiet, peace, time and sanity.
Life is amazing. From 5AM to 9PM I consistantly am in awe of the grace, the mercy, the strength that He gives to me and to all of those around me. The developing of gifts and abilities in people and how the challenges around us if accepted can make us change in core and intrinsic ways.
Life is a joy. From 5AM to 9PM I cry, laugh, pray, move, smile, scream, fume...and have a deep sense of joy that I never knew was possible.
Ecclesiastes is my saving grace. Why bother with anything? Its all a meaningless waste of time. Im not the first person to raise kids, Im not the person who will change the world. There is no reason for me to learn Hebrew, there is nothing that I do that I really enjoy. My depression sucks the life out of everything and my poor self esteem takes the rest.
But all there is in life is to enjoy the things that are set before us. One way or another. If you enjoy video games, then great - just remeber it is Gods grace that gives you the fingers and the eyes and the people who where intelligent enough to make millions off of your slothfulness. If you enjoy exercise than remember it is God who gave you the body, the drive, the energy and the personal situation that fuels the rage that you channel to lift that 150 pounds *one*more*time*. (yes, Im speaking about myself with the rage thing)
People - I have been penniless, friendless, and without a place to live.
I have been rich, in a crowd of 50 that I myself have put together from a dozen different contacts with a fabulous home, husband and life.
I have been an addict, a fanatic, an adulterer (not physically people - there are many different kinds of adultery)
I have brought joy and strength and love into peoples lives and even saved lives.
But there arent alot of things I really *know*.
One thing I do? Is that nothing lasts forever. Not pain, not heartache, not bad situations.
Not joy, not knowledge, not victory.
And one other thing that I am absolutely sure of? Is that everything we go through makes us into who we are - and we have *control* over that process.
I am a medicated (heavily) depressive. Im a borderline sociopath, even.
However.
I *choose* to be an optimist.
My children will not always be like this. Jade will not always puke everything he eats up and will not need to be in my arms 24/7 (and I will miss it when he doesnt)
Akiva will eventually show interest in potty training - Ive never seen a 12 year old who couldnt handle a toilet yet.
My house isnt always a disaster zone, and someday, my floor will not be covered with cheerios.
Of course, Im also a realist. Jade will someday do things far more messy than just a bit of spit up. Akiva will someday hog the bathroom so badly we will want to build her one for herself - and the phone, and the computer time, and.... someday, my floor will be covered in tonka trucks, sleeping bags from slumber parties, bits of glue and materials from craft projects, papers and magazines and cd's and God alone knows what.
In the end, only one thing matters.
How we get there - not so much.
But these are just my opinions.
*sighs*
Life isnt fair.
Life isnt fair to us, it wasn't fair to the Saints, and it *certainly* wasn't fair to Jesus.
God owes me nothing. I have no right to even *ask* for anything from Him. My great and glorious God has given me *everything* - my talents, my life, the very oxygen I breath. He holds all things together - not just the galaxy but the cherries I sit here and eat, the computer on which I communicate and the rings on fingers. Even my children.
Life is hard. From 5Am to 9PM I complain and winge and storm and get frustrated over my lack of privacy, quiet, peace, time and sanity.
Life is amazing. From 5AM to 9PM I consistantly am in awe of the grace, the mercy, the strength that He gives to me and to all of those around me. The developing of gifts and abilities in people and how the challenges around us if accepted can make us change in core and intrinsic ways.
Life is a joy. From 5AM to 9PM I cry, laugh, pray, move, smile, scream, fume...and have a deep sense of joy that I never knew was possible.
Ecclesiastes is my saving grace. Why bother with anything? Its all a meaningless waste of time. Im not the first person to raise kids, Im not the person who will change the world. There is no reason for me to learn Hebrew, there is nothing that I do that I really enjoy. My depression sucks the life out of everything and my poor self esteem takes the rest.
But all there is in life is to enjoy the things that are set before us. One way or another. If you enjoy video games, then great - just remeber it is Gods grace that gives you the fingers and the eyes and the people who where intelligent enough to make millions off of your slothfulness. If you enjoy exercise than remember it is God who gave you the body, the drive, the energy and the personal situation that fuels the rage that you channel to lift that 150 pounds *one*more*time*. (yes, Im speaking about myself with the rage thing)
People - I have been penniless, friendless, and without a place to live.
I have been rich, in a crowd of 50 that I myself have put together from a dozen different contacts with a fabulous home, husband and life.
I have been an addict, a fanatic, an adulterer (not physically people - there are many different kinds of adultery)
I have brought joy and strength and love into peoples lives and even saved lives.
But there arent alot of things I really *know*.
One thing I do? Is that nothing lasts forever. Not pain, not heartache, not bad situations.
Not joy, not knowledge, not victory.
And one other thing that I am absolutely sure of? Is that everything we go through makes us into who we are - and we have *control* over that process.
I am a medicated (heavily) depressive. Im a borderline sociopath, even.
However.
I *choose* to be an optimist.
My children will not always be like this. Jade will not always puke everything he eats up and will not need to be in my arms 24/7 (and I will miss it when he doesnt)
Akiva will eventually show interest in potty training - Ive never seen a 12 year old who couldnt handle a toilet yet.
My house isnt always a disaster zone, and someday, my floor will not be covered with cheerios.
Of course, Im also a realist. Jade will someday do things far more messy than just a bit of spit up. Akiva will someday hog the bathroom so badly we will want to build her one for herself - and the phone, and the computer time, and.... someday, my floor will be covered in tonka trucks, sleeping bags from slumber parties, bits of glue and materials from craft projects, papers and magazines and cd's and God alone knows what.
In the end, only one thing matters.
How we get there - not so much.
But these are just my opinions.
Well, its about that time
Ive had time to think on it, and I have to do it.
I have to rant about the new Indiana Jones Movie.
First off, I adored the script. Whoever wrote that deserves some kind of medal. Well spoken and perfectly in character every time. Just the right amount of flashback and old jokes molded with new material and cultural references. Perfect.
What I hated was the plot. Whoever it was who came up with this story needs to have thier head examined, and as for Lucas/Spielburg... well.. let me save *that* rant for another day... it will take too long.
But *please* I know that Jones movies are supposed to stretch the imagination, but they have always been at least loosely *based* on what "could" be done. Surviving a nuclear blast in a fridge and that scene with the monkies? Oh dear *God* save me, please.
And, I *know* that the Mummy Returns was a good movie... but if you are *going* to remake it, than at least steal some of the good parts too, and not just... well....lets see....
1) The guy who wants the cursed treasure dies, even though the hero tries to save him - little regret is shown.
2) The whole place gets sucked up super/para form
3) The restless natives
4) The only thing they get in the end is the kiss.
Theres probably alot more... but... *really*....*shakes head*
ok, and my final problem?
Interdimensional beings?
I suppose it could be argued that religion is fantasy anyways and therefore it fits within the worldview, but when in the past you have twice put a whole lot of effort into explaining that the Christian Worldview is a powerful world force, even giving us that reminding glimpse of the Ark at the beginning... when you have gone into pagan cultures and given us an amazing picture of cults and the power of religious evil...
Why, oh why, with the unbeleivable myth and mystic available to you in the pan-asian, mexican, and thirty other deities on the charts feel the need to explain it in a *SCIENCE*FICTION*METHOD*?!?!?!?!
This wasnt Star Wars - youve already destroyed that. This isnt AI, or any other of your misguided attempts to raise our mental abilities to another level. this was an Indy movie - meant to satisfy the need for a hero amongst the religious middle class idiots.
grrr, argh, fritterfratterbadderdrabber rantrantrant.
My son is now screaming, I have to go and see to him, I have another post yet to do today on another totally differant topic....
but I will be back.
Oh yes, one final post script - whoever the script-writer was - thank you.. thankyou from the bottom of my little overtly critical heart.
I will buy this movie for one reason, and one reason only - to hear the aging captian of the milinnium falcon one last time utter the ageless line "I have a bad feeling about this"
yay!
I have to rant about the new Indiana Jones Movie.
First off, I adored the script. Whoever wrote that deserves some kind of medal. Well spoken and perfectly in character every time. Just the right amount of flashback and old jokes molded with new material and cultural references. Perfect.
What I hated was the plot. Whoever it was who came up with this story needs to have thier head examined, and as for Lucas/Spielburg... well.. let me save *that* rant for another day... it will take too long.
But *please* I know that Jones movies are supposed to stretch the imagination, but they have always been at least loosely *based* on what "could" be done. Surviving a nuclear blast in a fridge and that scene with the monkies? Oh dear *God* save me, please.
And, I *know* that the Mummy Returns was a good movie... but if you are *going* to remake it, than at least steal some of the good parts too, and not just... well....lets see....
1) The guy who wants the cursed treasure dies, even though the hero tries to save him - little regret is shown.
2) The whole place gets sucked up super/para form
3) The restless natives
4) The only thing they get in the end is the kiss.
Theres probably alot more... but... *really*....*shakes head*
ok, and my final problem?
Interdimensional beings?
I suppose it could be argued that religion is fantasy anyways and therefore it fits within the worldview, but when in the past you have twice put a whole lot of effort into explaining that the Christian Worldview is a powerful world force, even giving us that reminding glimpse of the Ark at the beginning... when you have gone into pagan cultures and given us an amazing picture of cults and the power of religious evil...
Why, oh why, with the unbeleivable myth and mystic available to you in the pan-asian, mexican, and thirty other deities on the charts feel the need to explain it in a *SCIENCE*FICTION*METHOD*?!?!?!?!
This wasnt Star Wars - youve already destroyed that. This isnt AI, or any other of your misguided attempts to raise our mental abilities to another level. this was an Indy movie - meant to satisfy the need for a hero amongst the religious middle class idiots.
grrr, argh, fritterfratterbadderdrabber rantrantrant.
My son is now screaming, I have to go and see to him, I have another post yet to do today on another totally differant topic....
but I will be back.
Oh yes, one final post script - whoever the script-writer was - thank you.. thankyou from the bottom of my little overtly critical heart.
I will buy this movie for one reason, and one reason only - to hear the aging captian of the milinnium falcon one last time utter the ageless line "I have a bad feeling about this"
yay!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Family Reunion
It went well. It was so very good to see everyone again and to hear the music. Thats the best part of the "t" family reunions - everyone who can play an instrument does, and we have jam sessions every evening. Grandma played the piano, Ian played guitar and fiddle. Maybe in a few years, Ill have the time to pick up the bass again.
First time Ive met some of the people there, but for the most part they were nice. Tigger fits in so well, I once again felt like I was the odd man out. Jade and Akiva were adored and loved on, but then they *were* the only babies there. Jan particularly bonded with Jade, although she did manage to wrangle a kiss from Eva before the end.
First time Ive met some of the people there, but for the most part they were nice. Tigger fits in so well, I once again felt like I was the odd man out. Jade and Akiva were adored and loved on, but then they *were* the only babies there. Jan particularly bonded with Jade, although she did manage to wrangle a kiss from Eva before the end.
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