So...

I havent talked about God in a long time. But today, Im going to break the silence and give you all an update on "where I am".

*sighs*
Life isnt fair.
Life isnt fair to us, it wasn't fair to the Saints, and it *certainly* wasn't fair to Jesus.
God owes me nothing. I have no right to even *ask* for anything from Him. My great and glorious God has given me *everything* - my talents, my life, the very oxygen I breath. He holds all things together - not just the galaxy but the cherries I sit here and eat, the computer on which I communicate and the rings on fingers. Even my children.

Life is hard. From 5Am to 9PM I complain and winge and storm and get frustrated over my lack of privacy, quiet, peace, time and sanity.
Life is amazing. From 5AM to 9PM I consistantly am in awe of the grace, the mercy, the strength that He gives to me and to all of those around me. The developing of gifts and abilities in people and how the challenges around us if accepted can make us change in core and intrinsic ways.
Life is a joy. From 5AM to 9PM I cry, laugh, pray, move, smile, scream, fume...and have a deep sense of joy that I never knew was possible.

Ecclesiastes is my saving grace. Why bother with anything? Its all a meaningless waste of time. Im not the first person to raise kids, Im not the person who will change the world. There is no reason for me to learn Hebrew, there is nothing that I do that I really enjoy. My depression sucks the life out of everything and my poor self esteem takes the rest.
But all there is in life is to enjoy the things that are set before us. One way or another. If you enjoy video games, then great - just remeber it is Gods grace that gives you the fingers and the eyes and the people who where intelligent enough to make millions off of your slothfulness. If you enjoy exercise than remember it is God who gave you the body, the drive, the energy and the personal situation that fuels the rage that you channel to lift that 150 pounds *one*more*time*. (yes, Im speaking about myself with the rage thing)

People - I have been penniless, friendless, and without a place to live.
I have been rich, in a crowd of 50 that I myself have put together from a dozen different contacts with a fabulous home, husband and life.
I have been an addict, a fanatic, an adulterer (not physically people - there are many different kinds of adultery)
I have brought joy and strength and love into peoples lives and even saved lives.

But there arent alot of things I really *know*.
One thing I do? Is that nothing lasts forever. Not pain, not heartache, not bad situations.
Not joy, not knowledge, not victory.

And one other thing that I am absolutely sure of? Is that everything we go through makes us into who we are - and we have *control* over that process.

I am a medicated (heavily) depressive. Im a borderline sociopath, even.
However.
I *choose* to be an optimist.
My children will not always be like this. Jade will not always puke everything he eats up and will not need to be in my arms 24/7 (and I will miss it when he doesnt)
Akiva will eventually show interest in potty training - Ive never seen a 12 year old who couldnt handle a toilet yet.
My house isnt always a disaster zone, and someday, my floor will not be covered with cheerios.

Of course, Im also a realist. Jade will someday do things far more messy than just a bit of spit up. Akiva will someday hog the bathroom so badly we will want to build her one for herself - and the phone, and the computer time, and.... someday, my floor will be covered in tonka trucks, sleeping bags from slumber parties, bits of glue and materials from craft projects, papers and magazines and cd's and God alone knows what.

In the end, only one thing matters.
How we get there - not so much.
But these are just my opinions.