ok, I know life sucks, ok. I know that there is never enough money, that your jobs suck, your lack of jobs suck, your family leeches the very soul from your beings and that your very bones ache.
I know the economy bites, I know that theres nothing good to watch, read, or eat.
I know everyone is out to get somebody.
So you know what? Shut the hell up.
Im tired of it, ok? Im tired of being the only person who doest agree.
Im sorry if I look out the window and see beauty, and not just slippery roads.
Im sorry if you see a huge car repair bill, and I see problems caught before they get worse.
Im sorry if you see pain in the ass cats, and I see companions for our kids.
Im sorry if you see pirates, and I see challenges to make you stronger.
Im sorry if you see everything bad, and sick and wrong in the world - but I *choose* to see things that are astounding, and amazing, and wonderful.
Its not easy, you know, and just once, Id like to see someone see something *good*.
say something good.
enjoy something.
Be thankful for what you have.
You - all of you - have *so* much!
You have homes, and food, and people who love you.
You have skills and gifts and chances to use them.
You have toys and games to entertain you, you have time to spare.
You can move and breathe and see.
Enjoy life. You can do it - *if* you want to.
And if you dont want to, if you want to be miserable, grumpy, whining complainers who grow old and bitter and angry?
Dont take it out on me.
Its your own god. damned. fault.
PS - remember, *im* the one whos supposed to be the manic depressive psycho, not you, and you, and you, and You!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Im not one -
for wish lists.
But this year, I think it may be necessary.
SO here we go.
Kids sizes - Eva is 4, Jade is 3.
Im buying them winter boots this week, so thats not needed. HOwever, all manner of other clothes are appreciated.
Veggietales, or other kids movies. Wanting to start in with Little Einsteins as well.
Books. Things like learning how old they are, learning numbers, letters, colours. Why they should go to the toilet. The basic stuff. Also - Dr. Zeuss. Cant go wrong there.
Toys. At this point, they honestly get more milage out of a box than they do anything else - but any educational toys are always appreciated.
Eva's colours are definitely pink, and purple. She likes the brights, the obnoxious. She looks best in Brown, cream, and "hot" colours.
Jade is all about blue and grey and other cool tones.
He looks best in "preppy" gear, or jock gear, she looks best when dressed like Mick Jagger. In the 70's.
Tigger.
Jobsite Workwear gift certificates. I cannot stress this enough.
Really, really good quality cookwear.
He *really* wants a meat slicer.
Mountian Equiptment Co-op, Northface, or even SPortcheck gift cards.
itunes cash.
if you can find it, Slash wrote an autobiography, hes looked at it a few times, but never picked it up.
Chocolate, is always good.
Me?
I really want a new coat. Sears. Black, 3/4 LEngth. Gift Cards would be good.
Since pregnency, I no longer fit into any of my wranglers, or my cowboy boots. So, Lammles. Or however you spell it.
Lu lu's - always. Also, SPort Check. New shoes.
Embroidery/crossstitch patterns. lovelovelove
Oh yes - and bedsheets. Dark, solid colours. Im *really* looking for warm tones. Exotic, warm, colours. yeah. Queen, deep pocket.
Eva has a full size twin now. If you feel like getting her something. It must go with apocolyptic pink.
yeah
so thats my begging list.
If you buy me chocolate, I will kill you.
Happy Holidays.
But this year, I think it may be necessary.
SO here we go.
Kids sizes - Eva is 4, Jade is 3.
Im buying them winter boots this week, so thats not needed. HOwever, all manner of other clothes are appreciated.
Veggietales, or other kids movies. Wanting to start in with Little Einsteins as well.
Books. Things like learning how old they are, learning numbers, letters, colours. Why they should go to the toilet. The basic stuff. Also - Dr. Zeuss. Cant go wrong there.
Toys. At this point, they honestly get more milage out of a box than they do anything else - but any educational toys are always appreciated.
Eva's colours are definitely pink, and purple. She likes the brights, the obnoxious. She looks best in Brown, cream, and "hot" colours.
Jade is all about blue and grey and other cool tones.
He looks best in "preppy" gear, or jock gear, she looks best when dressed like Mick Jagger. In the 70's.
Tigger.
Jobsite Workwear gift certificates. I cannot stress this enough.
Really, really good quality cookwear.
He *really* wants a meat slicer.
Mountian Equiptment Co-op, Northface, or even SPortcheck gift cards.
itunes cash.
if you can find it, Slash wrote an autobiography, hes looked at it a few times, but never picked it up.
Chocolate, is always good.
Me?
I really want a new coat. Sears. Black, 3/4 LEngth. Gift Cards would be good.
Since pregnency, I no longer fit into any of my wranglers, or my cowboy boots. So, Lammles. Or however you spell it.
Lu lu's - always. Also, SPort Check. New shoes.
Embroidery/crossstitch patterns. lovelovelove
Oh yes - and bedsheets. Dark, solid colours. Im *really* looking for warm tones. Exotic, warm, colours. yeah. Queen, deep pocket.
Eva has a full size twin now. If you feel like getting her something. It must go with apocolyptic pink.
yeah
so thats my begging list.
If you buy me chocolate, I will kill you.
Happy Holidays.
Monday, October 12, 2009
thoughts
I am nothing more, most days, than a four year old child, begging somebody to tell me Im doing the right thing, Im doing things right, and that they are proud of me. That they love me.
That is the absolute motivation for almost everything I do
Notice me, love me, affirm me.
its why I always want to be *told* what to do - preferably down to the last detail. Show me *exactly* how you want it done, and Ill do it that way *every* damn time. Leave it up to me, and Im terrified Ill be wrong.
There is nothing worse in my life, than being wrong. If I do something wrong, the world falls apart, time stops. People are mad at me, angry at me. Most of the time, I dont know why. I try to do my best at things, all the time.
When I fail, I cease to care. If you dont care, than obviously - you dont care about *me*.
Apathy, is worse than hate.
Just tell me I didnt screw up - again.
Because thats my largest fear.
Afraid that I am useless, afraid that I am stupid, afraid that I am ugly.
Tell me instead that you need me, that I am perfect, and that I am beautiful.
Im still broken, fix me.
I know the reality of it - that I have to find these things for myself. I have to realize that regardless of what others think of me, that I *am* useful, that I dont *need* to be perfect (and thats allright) and that I *am* beautiful. At least to God, who is the *only* one who should matter, really.
This is all - nurture. This is all leftovers from my upbringing. Not even any specific trauma. Just, general life. Its - all of it - none of it is *me*. Its thought processes imprinted *on* me. Its - battleable. If there is such a word.
THe FAE? well - Im always going to share too much information with strangers (im working on this, making it a game with myself) Im never going to *quite* understand how long it takes to get from one place to another. Im probably always going to battle depression.
Now - is the depression tied up in the psychological bullshit, or the FAE? or is it situational, brought about by too much death, too young, and too much morbidity?
Because we cant discount what hearing almost daily, from your parents, that they are going to die and leave you - can do to a childs sense of security. Or self-image.
SO - as Im waiting for my "first" official, Dr. sanctioned psych visit... well - first for a long time. I think I went once, as a teen - when I lived with my sisters, and I dont remember getting much out of it. This time, Im more prepared. Im not wanting to just "fuck around with a psyche" but actually get some serious guidance and help.
The only reason why Im being sent is to get my meds straightened out. Im tired of being tired *all* the time. Im tired of having those *very* rare, but ever annoying auditory hallucinations. And Im *very* tired of the waves of absolute blackness, that roll over me that I am incapable of fighting. And the rage. the rage doesnt come often these days, but when it does - I have *no* control. I lash out at everybody. Even my kids.
Maybe, if I can get my meds straightened out, I can get the energy I need to exercise again, and the will to eat a little better. Loose some weight, get my self esteem up there a bit again.
And than maybe I can start looking again, at those old issues. the ugly, the stupid, the useless - my mantra.
And while Im on this kick, let me be absolutely blunt.
Before I was a mother... there was a time.
It was - before my *second* go around with the shul, as well...
I had started to get a grip on all of this. I had a job that made me confident, two in a row, actually. I had held jobs, for longer than three months, I had proven to myself that I had worked around some of my issues.
I had decided that my style would always be slightly gothic, and that there was nothing wrong with that. If other people wanted to bug me about the vampire thing, well - that was *their* bullshit, not mine. Id bug them with it right back. If they were so narrow minded that a woman cant wear black on a regular basis without thinking shes the living dead, than thats *their* stupidity.
For me, I think, its more of just a statement of this is what I like, take it or leave it. I like blue too, and purple, and some greens. But *everything* goes with black. its - practical, stylish. You cant really go wrong with it.
So.... for all those people who in the last few years who have demanded that I become someone other than who I am. For those who have decided that I change to fit thier view of who I - particularly as a mother - need to be?
may I say a hearty "Fuck You"
And be healthier in the bargain for saying it.
Fuck you, for saying I drag you down. Im not the pessimist here. Im not the one who drinks hard liquer because its "cheaper to get drunk that way" Im not the one with my head in the sand about my husbands porn addiction. Im not the one who ignores thier children to play a video game, Im not the one who cant stand up for myself.
Fuck you, for saying that I think Im a vampire. I know the difference between the living and the dead, fantasy and reality. I know I need I need antidepressents, and dont pretend otherwise. I know that my sanity isnt always the best - but I live in a world far more real than yours. And dont preach to me... I know how often youcrack open your bible, I know how trust worthy you are. And I know that your prayer chain is just a glorified gossip line.
Maybe you should see whos introducing me as the church Dracula, before you assume *I* think or say anything. Or better yet, take a look at your own. Yes, Im wearing black, and no, I dont wear a cross - but your guitarist is wearing an anarchy hat, and see through pants on platform. Your cantor hasnt cracked a bible in a month. The person whos doing the meditation put six minutes of effort into a 15 minute rant on something that has nothing to do with scripture.
You destroyed my self-esteem, you told me that everything that I was, was wrong. You told me that I was so deeply wounded, I couldnt be of use.
But now I see how absolutely wrong you were.
*You* - all of you - were the wounded ones. So scared of someone who was becoming whole in front of you that you ran me over. You ripped out my guts and decided I wasnt worthy.
We are so far removed now, that I dont think we could understand each other at all, anymore. And as I slowly get my - identity - back, Im quite sure you will know me less and less.
You put me in a box, and I refused to fit, so you smashed me down until I would.
But I still didnt, and thats when you got *mad*.
Now, I think its my turn, not to care, for a while.
SO thats where I am.
I *know* my damage levels. I dont like it, but - I know it.
And thats a damn good place to start.
That is the absolute motivation for almost everything I do
Notice me, love me, affirm me.
its why I always want to be *told* what to do - preferably down to the last detail. Show me *exactly* how you want it done, and Ill do it that way *every* damn time. Leave it up to me, and Im terrified Ill be wrong.
There is nothing worse in my life, than being wrong. If I do something wrong, the world falls apart, time stops. People are mad at me, angry at me. Most of the time, I dont know why. I try to do my best at things, all the time.
When I fail, I cease to care. If you dont care, than obviously - you dont care about *me*.
Apathy, is worse than hate.
Just tell me I didnt screw up - again.
Because thats my largest fear.
Afraid that I am useless, afraid that I am stupid, afraid that I am ugly.
Tell me instead that you need me, that I am perfect, and that I am beautiful.
Im still broken, fix me.
I know the reality of it - that I have to find these things for myself. I have to realize that regardless of what others think of me, that I *am* useful, that I dont *need* to be perfect (and thats allright) and that I *am* beautiful. At least to God, who is the *only* one who should matter, really.
This is all - nurture. This is all leftovers from my upbringing. Not even any specific trauma. Just, general life. Its - all of it - none of it is *me*. Its thought processes imprinted *on* me. Its - battleable. If there is such a word.
THe FAE? well - Im always going to share too much information with strangers (im working on this, making it a game with myself) Im never going to *quite* understand how long it takes to get from one place to another. Im probably always going to battle depression.
Now - is the depression tied up in the psychological bullshit, or the FAE? or is it situational, brought about by too much death, too young, and too much morbidity?
Because we cant discount what hearing almost daily, from your parents, that they are going to die and leave you - can do to a childs sense of security. Or self-image.
SO - as Im waiting for my "first" official, Dr. sanctioned psych visit... well - first for a long time. I think I went once, as a teen - when I lived with my sisters, and I dont remember getting much out of it. This time, Im more prepared. Im not wanting to just "fuck around with a psyche" but actually get some serious guidance and help.
The only reason why Im being sent is to get my meds straightened out. Im tired of being tired *all* the time. Im tired of having those *very* rare, but ever annoying auditory hallucinations. And Im *very* tired of the waves of absolute blackness, that roll over me that I am incapable of fighting. And the rage. the rage doesnt come often these days, but when it does - I have *no* control. I lash out at everybody. Even my kids.
Maybe, if I can get my meds straightened out, I can get the energy I need to exercise again, and the will to eat a little better. Loose some weight, get my self esteem up there a bit again.
And than maybe I can start looking again, at those old issues. the ugly, the stupid, the useless - my mantra.
And while Im on this kick, let me be absolutely blunt.
Before I was a mother... there was a time.
It was - before my *second* go around with the shul, as well...
I had started to get a grip on all of this. I had a job that made me confident, two in a row, actually. I had held jobs, for longer than three months, I had proven to myself that I had worked around some of my issues.
I had decided that my style would always be slightly gothic, and that there was nothing wrong with that. If other people wanted to bug me about the vampire thing, well - that was *their* bullshit, not mine. Id bug them with it right back. If they were so narrow minded that a woman cant wear black on a regular basis without thinking shes the living dead, than thats *their* stupidity.
For me, I think, its more of just a statement of this is what I like, take it or leave it. I like blue too, and purple, and some greens. But *everything* goes with black. its - practical, stylish. You cant really go wrong with it.
So.... for all those people who in the last few years who have demanded that I become someone other than who I am. For those who have decided that I change to fit thier view of who I - particularly as a mother - need to be?
may I say a hearty "Fuck You"
And be healthier in the bargain for saying it.
Fuck you, for saying I drag you down. Im not the pessimist here. Im not the one who drinks hard liquer because its "cheaper to get drunk that way" Im not the one with my head in the sand about my husbands porn addiction. Im not the one who ignores thier children to play a video game, Im not the one who cant stand up for myself.
Fuck you, for saying that I think Im a vampire. I know the difference between the living and the dead, fantasy and reality. I know I need I need antidepressents, and dont pretend otherwise. I know that my sanity isnt always the best - but I live in a world far more real than yours. And dont preach to me... I know how often youcrack open your bible, I know how trust worthy you are. And I know that your prayer chain is just a glorified gossip line.
Maybe you should see whos introducing me as the church Dracula, before you assume *I* think or say anything. Or better yet, take a look at your own. Yes, Im wearing black, and no, I dont wear a cross - but your guitarist is wearing an anarchy hat, and see through pants on platform. Your cantor hasnt cracked a bible in a month. The person whos doing the meditation put six minutes of effort into a 15 minute rant on something that has nothing to do with scripture.
You destroyed my self-esteem, you told me that everything that I was, was wrong. You told me that I was so deeply wounded, I couldnt be of use.
But now I see how absolutely wrong you were.
*You* - all of you - were the wounded ones. So scared of someone who was becoming whole in front of you that you ran me over. You ripped out my guts and decided I wasnt worthy.
We are so far removed now, that I dont think we could understand each other at all, anymore. And as I slowly get my - identity - back, Im quite sure you will know me less and less.
You put me in a box, and I refused to fit, so you smashed me down until I would.
But I still didnt, and thats when you got *mad*.
Now, I think its my turn, not to care, for a while.
SO thats where I am.
I *know* my damage levels. I dont like it, but - I know it.
And thats a damn good place to start.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Im not sure what to say. I have a lot on my heart today. Pointing that verse at the entirety of the USA is pointless - but, I wish I could explain it to them anyways.
Health care, military interests, even in their churches.
Im worried about Christmas - its eating me up and hurting me, every day. I think about it constantly, and I dont know what to do. Ive tried leaving it with God, and letting Him work quietly - but Tigger needs to know what to book for holidays. And so, I fret.
Im not one for leaving massive personal messages on my blog, but - Jan, if you're still reading this thing? Im waiting for you to contact me, trying to give you the space you wanted. If I dont hear from you by November, Im going to assume that you dont really want us to come up. And thats allright. But the balls in your court.
I love you.
I dont know what else to say.
But its all I can think of today.
Im not sure what to say. I have a lot on my heart today. Pointing that verse at the entirety of the USA is pointless - but, I wish I could explain it to them anyways.
Health care, military interests, even in their churches.
Im worried about Christmas - its eating me up and hurting me, every day. I think about it constantly, and I dont know what to do. Ive tried leaving it with God, and letting Him work quietly - but Tigger needs to know what to book for holidays. And so, I fret.
Im not one for leaving massive personal messages on my blog, but - Jan, if you're still reading this thing? Im waiting for you to contact me, trying to give you the space you wanted. If I dont hear from you by November, Im going to assume that you dont really want us to come up. And thats allright. But the balls in your court.
I love you.
I dont know what else to say.
But its all I can think of today.
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