Update.

In the beginning of March, Eva goes for her 3 days of testing for Autism at the GlenRose Hospital.
Today, I started to notice that Jade is doing the hand flapping thing, characteristic of so many children with the same disorder.

I am - overwhelmed. I am - pained.
I dont think the disorders, with either of them, are so severe as to damage thier futures longterm, but just the fact that they will have to battle that much harder...

Its not fair.

I was reading through material online last night, about the Disorder, and noted that in children, a long time ago, it was often mistaken for schizophrenia. I have to double check, but I beleive my parents thought my mother was schizophrenic, when she was little. So this may have come from her.

All I know, is that it hurts.
I think, if I had known for sure? I wouldnt have had kids at all. Its not fair for them.
Am I glad they are here? Absolutely. Do I love them? All the more each day.
Would my life be better without them? Absolutely not.
I couldnot concieve of my life without them, and dont want to. They are my blessings, my joy, my - everything.

As unfair as it is, Im glad I didnt know.
Selfish - yes.
But Im a better person overall, for them being here.

Just praying that God gives me strength, as this goes on.