Had to give some thought...

as to what this one was going to be about.  I have two things burning right now, but Ive decided, this one annoys me more.

I dont remember which web site I was surfing through, but I was reading a letter to their advice column there, where a girl was debating on dumping her boyfriend or not.
It wasnt that he was unseemly selfish, or hurt her, or even cheated.
It wasnt even that she had found someone new.
It was because, it seemed, that they were more "friends" then lovers, and the passion had gone out of thier relationship.

Go ahead - laugh.

And then, stop and cry a bit too - because she was dead serious.  And so were all the replies that told her to get rid of him as fast as possible.

Because passion, once lost, can never be rekindled.
And the last thing you want in life, is your significant other, to be your *friend*.

I couldnt make this up.  Its too ridiculous.  But there it was, laid out as clear as black and white can be.

Its taken me almost a week, to get to the point where I could even write about it, it horrified me so badly.
If this is - our world now.  If this is what people think, then Im afraid that the battle is truely over, folks.  That people are so blind, so lost, and so- manipulated, that they cant see that the only thing she should be doing at this point, is hoping for a proposal... or making one herself...saddens me to such an extreme I can hardly write about it even now.
One of her complaints, - her complaints, mind you, was that he knew her too well, and still loved her.  He knew what turned her on.  he knew when she was upset, when she was happy, and how to help her.  He even knew when to leave her alone. There were no surprises left.  Just - an ordinary grind.  And obviously, there could be no romance, no passion, no joy, in a world so  plain and boring as that.
Right now, my husband of 14 years, is laying on the couch, trying to nap.  Once he realizes he *cant* with the kids here, he will make an excuse to go out to the store, then come back, and probably do some cooking.  He'll hide in the kitchen for a few hours.  Then hell do some housework, and maybe take 20 minutes in his sauna, and then shower.
He will then come back downstairs, and snack, and watch a movie half heartedly, while going back and forth from the living room to the kitchen.
Somewhere in there, he will put the kids to bed, spending a time cuddling each of them, tickling them, or chasing them around the house.

Predictable? oh yes.  Passion? Surprise? no - but there is joy, and comfort, and love.  The deep and abiding love of a real family.  For the lack of romance, is there really any less passion though? Not really.  He still looks at me, and sees - perfection. (He must be blind).  He is passionately in love with the children, when hes not being grumpy bear.  Which is fair.  He works hard, and loves with his every cell, everybody he meets.

My dear girl, if you ever read this, understand that the emotional froth of mad love, as it fades, becomes the planting ground for something so much deeper, so much richer, and so much more real, then you could ever put into words.  the combination of friendship and love, is the strongest in the world.  It knits two people together on a level that is beyond the reach of the average, and lifts it up into something so - extreme, so - enjoyable...
*sighs*

I know not all people have found this.  I know that some people, demand more.  They are not content to accept that their own flaws, may be in the way, and begin to seek seeds of passion elsewhere.
They never consider watering their own, maybe pruning on both sides, a bit...maybe *gasp* adding some fertilizer.  No, they put the whole thing - the whole responsibility on the other, and *demand* satisfaction from thin air.

Its no different, from the person who thinks French, or Italian, is romantic, and then settles down to actually *learning* the languages.  Reaching that point of friendship, means youve conquered the basic language.
Now, you can either move on, and never speak it again, or you can *go* to Italy.  And realize you know absolutely nothing.  And then remember - once you *do* have the language of Rome, conquered - there are all those outlying provinces, with those slightly different dialects....
Its a lifetime of learning.  And it takes *work*
But so does life.
And anything worth doing.

But as usual, thats just *my* opinion.
Doesnt count for much.

almost 8 pages worth - consider yourself warned.

So, here we are, half a month into 2011.  Disasters, both natural, and man made, have already marked the year.

I suppose, at least part of my rant, is directed there.  But a lot of this, has been brewing for a great amount of time.  So much so, that Im even going to break this one down into sections, for  my two or three poor readers, who dare to swim through my vague, socio-theological ramblings.

Hence, I give you – The Tea Party, Part 1.

As most of you know, and adore (or at least pretend to for my sake) I have two fabulous children.  They are respectively, physically, 3 & 4 years old, and mentally, about a year behind their physical ages.  This means, that for about 4 years now, Ive been dealing with 2 year olds.

When a child around this age, cannot get their way, there are two options usually open to them.  One, is that they throw an outright temper tantrum.  They scream, cry, drop to the floor, pound fists, and are (at least in my house) punished for their crimes of ill behavior.  Usually by being sent to their rooms.

The other, is to pout quietly, and whine a bit (which is only tolerated for about 5 minutes longer, then the other tact, in our house) and then come around and let themselves be distracted by something else.

I have realized, in the by and large, this is little more then what adults would call “a peaceful demonstration”.

They aren’t hurting anybody but themselves, they walk around, shout and complain, occasionally chaining themselves to some artifact or another, and usually end up being sent home, or to jail, to cool off.

The Boston Tea Party, long it seems up held in the USA, as an example of liberty and freedom, is really nothing more then adults, acting like two year olds, unable to rationalize or even comprehend their own anger.

The fact that they hold this up as a level to which they all should climb to, is indeed, a poor foreshadow of all things to come.

The Tea Party, Part 2.

The darker part of me would like to simply say “see above” but I know this demands *some* explanation, so Ill give it. 

Our modern “Tea Party” are a violent, misogynistic, hate filled people. You can deny this by saying that they are led, far and large, by a woman – but I refute that by saying, and you will have to agree with me, that *no*one* hates women, like another woman.  Men simply aren’t capable of it.  If they were, the human race would have died out many years ago.

Yes, you can argue that they “stand” for good principles, a bible centered way of life, and the American dream – but what good is it standing for something, when you don’t live for it.  They are the utmost of hypocrites, who don’t even understand the very words that they speak.

They are, in fact, the logical outcome, of the original Tea Party – and the fact that they choose to wear that title with no hint of self mockery, or irony, is perhaps the most terrifying aspect of the whole damn situation.

Back to the old Fraud, I mean Freud.

Ive written a lot about this, over the years.  But here, I need to recap. 

The Id.  The “animal, base nature” of man.  In me, she is characterized by a violent, leather clad animalistic vampire.  My personal writing most often is where I let her loose, in a multitude of forms – all of them violent, sexual, perverted and profane.   Ironically, Ive noticed in children, this *isn’t* the first nature to appear, but rather, the second.  My daughter, has highly entertaining episodes of Id like nature.  My son, as of yet, still has not discovered his darker side.

I do firmly believe that in man, this darker side needs to find a healthy release.  But how and when, is between himself, and God.  In order to not actually digress, Ill get to that under a later heading.

The Ego, of course, is man, simply as man is born.  In me, she is witnessed, ironically, most clearly when I am stoned.  She is innocent, and often childish.  Sweet, tempered, and very easily bruised.  My sister loves watching movies, particularly for the first time, with me stoned.  I can only imagine that for the most part, I would be as reactive as a 7 year old girl – reacting vocally and with wonder to explosions, special effects, and moral outrages.

The Super Ego, is where this blog is usually written from.  It’s the one part of me that firmly *knows* that I am beyond brilliant (whether that’s true or not, my Ego doubts, but the rest of me assures me that its true)

This is the part of me that is always very close to the surface.  She is cold, hard, logical and methodical.  She despises wasted time, and is heartlessly efficient.  The collection of anything sentimental, is abhorrent to her, and she would easily live as a nun.  She asks for nothing in life beyond her daily bread, her bible, and the clothes on her back.

This is the last part of any person to show itself in development, and often, we never even see it. 

Freud might have been on to something – bigger….

God, in the Old Testament, is a raging mother.  He is jealous, wrathful, and full of rage.  He kills, with no moral holdback, and encourages his people to do the same.  Our “father” God… (for nothing in this world anymore will keep me from seeing YHWH as anything *other* then a Mother figure – for back up on this, go talk to Moishe – “His, husband”)  is pure Id.  Feral, creative, and powerful beyond reckoning.  And as such, is, yes, remarkably feminine.

The Christ figure, is of course, inordinately masculine.  And human.  He bleeds, he weeps.  He *is* his job.  Both literally, and figuratively, as both Carpenter, and King.  He is fully the Ego of God.  Gentle, protective, strong – and often, dumb as a goat-shit.  (Yes, I *did* just say that.  It doesn’t mean He was any less God, or any less sin –free – just that He was *human*)

The New Testament, mostly concerned with the work of the Holy Spirit, we see the rise of the Super Ego.  Whom for the most part, Paul encompasses.  He very often argues (as mis-interpreted it is, according to the political agenda of the individual) That certain things are for the best, whether we agree with them or not, because they are the best for the *whole*.  The simple example of this, is to not have alcohol served, at a party, where you have a known alcoholic coming.  Its simply *polite*.  Not that drinking is *wrong*.  It isn’t.

But knowing the *difference – is what the Super Ego drives us towards.  This is the “Enlightenment, of the Holy Spirit” if you will. And I will argue, that most people will go their entire lives, without once even comprehending, never mind being comfortable, with this part of themselves.

There… is the whole three fold nature of man, in God.

Oh, you can argue that *really* its only two… the “good and the bad” but anybody can see, that life *isn’t* lived in black and white.  And not even in shades of grey – but rather in vibrant, obscene color.  Which is what so often confuses us.  Is pink, or red, white, or black?  What about Green, the color of the moment?  You can argue it depends upon the “shade” – but even there, there is *a lot* of wiggle room – and after all, green isn’t white or black, at all, is it?.

You can argue that you choose to see God in anything, if you look hard enough… but the opposite is also true, and honestly, easier to believe.  That God *is* in everything, and that’s *why* we find Him there.  I have a friend, who chooses very hard to believe that all myths are equally true – not because they all point in the same direction, but simply because belief and truth, aren’t the same.

What Id like to know, is how is that logic, any different, from our darling Tea Party of today?

But I digress.

The point is, that the three fold nature of man, is clearly illustrated in life, and in scripture, and in psychology.  No matter how many people like to try to say that the three, are not only mutually exclusive, but incompatible to the extreme.

The Tea Party, Part 3

Enough years ago now that I can honestly say the phrase “many”, I was (although yes, I still remain) a great fan of a show called “Highlander”.

For those who may not be familiar with its premise (which I doubt, considering *this* blogs readership) let me explain.

Eternal beings, called “immortals” walk the earth.  They cannot die, unless someone comes along, and cuts their head off.  When one immortal takes the head of another, all their abilities, and knowledge, and “power” go to the victor, in an semi-impressive special effects show.

Most of the “heros” of this show, were fabulous examples of Ego and super ego.  They didn’t kill unless they were given no choice, they protected their fellow man, and agonized over every death they caused.

Most of the villains, likewise, were pure Id.  Animalistic head hunters, for whom a great pleasure, was the death of pretty much anybody, Immortal, or not.

Of these villains, few were so well portrayed, or fleshed out, as the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  Hovering in age between 4000-5000 years old each, the story arc with them became the thing of legends… and insured the TV show a lasting place in “cult” classic history.

As a fan, of these villains myself, I joined my very first internet group.  Mostly writers, we enjoyed a closeness online that Ive rarely seen since, and wrote together both as a unified, although psychotic group, and as separate individuals.

The group however, eventually split apart.  The cause for this, was that the writers of the main villains, who firmly, for whatever reason, chose to believe that it was their sole proprietary right, to dominate the characters who brought us together, had decided, in our group efforts, to elevate the Horsemen to a previously unknown level.

Now, usually, character development in a story, is a good thing.  However, if the character that you are writing, is a cannibalistic, psychologically deranged sociopath – and *has* been for some 4000 years.  Its highly unlikely, no matter how much chess he plays, or classic literature he reads, hes going to rave about the beauty of a rose garden, or enjoy partaking in tea on the terrace.  Indeed, the last time I checked, ANias Nim, and Mein Kampf, were not really tea time topics.

And yes, I can appreciate irony – when its there.  But in this case, it *wasn’t*.

The group split violently, with many other causes, and accusations being flung, and some good old fashioned internet terrorism being thrown in for good measure.

But the whole of it, is summed up thusly…

Those who end up being called any kind of “Tea Partiers” usually are drowning in their own Egos, living out their Ids, and absolutely unaware that the Super Ego is anywhere in sight.

(id-iots… my love of this word, after today, has acquired fresh levels)

Like the current, as past political flavors of the hour – These writers, individually, and as a whole, caused a violent separation, by throwing a temper tantrum worthy of any 2 year old.  They chose to sit in their gardens, sipping their tea, and spout out inane, and often violent rhetoric, while ignoring the reactions, and results it caused.

Often, when outright accused of causing any disruption, they would then look around, ever so innocently (for they believed their innocence) state simply “But that wasn’t what I meant/said/did”.

Where they Meet

I know, that I am unusually aware of my own psychological state.  And at this point, let me put forward a – theory?  Maybe less then a theory then the barest scrapings of an idea. 

When the Id, and the Super Ego combine – There, we have true enlightenment, as however you see it.

Or maybe you just reach the limits of insanity.  I suppose it will depend, entirely on which “side” wins.

My Id and super Ego have a great many ideals in common.  Their routes of achieving those goals, however, differ dramatically.  I have realized, that it is the tension between the two, that precipitates almost all of my mental crisis.  Particularly, my Super Ego, has issues with how my Id expresses itself, and whishes it would just go away.

Of course, this isn’t going to happen.  And certainly, the *knowledge* of this, is useful.  Or if nothing else, entertaining.

My ego, I rarely bother with.  Except, these days, to recognize as valid, and very, very good.  That is my hunger, and my hunger is mostly innocent, loyal, truthful, timid, and sweet.  And I can deal with that.  As an adult, I can even enjoy it – knowing as I do, I have the back up of my super ego, who is clever, dominant, and absolute genius.   And of course, should she fail me, I Have my much pushed to the back, as a mother in particular, Id – who is, it would seem through my writing at least, as blood thirsty, violent and terrifying as ever.

I suppose, all of this is to say that Im finding a peace, within myself – finally.  And through this, I find the world around me, increasingly – stupid.

A School of Theological Pathology

All of this rant, by the way, was liberally inspired by Samuel Butler, and in due course of reading “Way of All Flesh”  And before you ask, no – I didn’t like the book.

Oh, Ill read it again.  In fact, what started this in truth, was the realization of *why* I have to read books over and over.  You see, when I first pick up any book, I read it with my Ego.  And then, finding out the conclusion, I have to go back, and re-read it, with my Super Ego ripping it to shreds.  If its *still* enjoyable to me, Ill go back, and re-read it till its tatters, purely for the pleasure of it.

If it isn’t, then it most likely will sit on my bookshelf, until someone comes along who wishes to make good use of it, then I will part with it gladly.

For those who gladly, haven’t read this atrocity, let me explain that one of the concepts that the book struggles with, is creating a harmony between the spiritual, the physical, and the psychological. Needless to say, in 1862, these topics were much more a mystery to people then they are now.  But interesting, never the less, that the hero of the tale (whom I truly despise) endeavors at one point to open a “School of Religious Pathology” in order to square this very issue.

Of course, Freud, was just a child, when this story was set.  But I can certainly see a great deal of the local color and thought, or flavor, of his work, in this book.  And yet – it answers no questions, was unsatisfactory in ending, and so muddled as to thought and line, its dizzying.  Evolutional theory, was just beginning to make its own mark, and the combined mess of ideas makes this a very difficult book to read, although, in some respects, it would accurately take us on a similar journey as our hero – and any person given to these pursuits, of that time period.

I wish, however, that both in life, as well as in Butlers book, more emphasis had been put on Solomon.

As a biblical writer, he isn’t even mentioned in Butlers book, and in most modern pulpits, I find him lacking in extremis.  If he is preached at all, its from the rather disgusting, and explicit “Song” in order to “sex up” a sermon – for shock treatment, as it were. (no, its not the sex that bothers me, Im not *that* purinical – instead, it’s the crudities, of the terminology he uses, and symbolism, that keeps me away)

But rather, I wish people would turn instead, to the fabulously written Ecclesiastes. Of which my love affair is never ending.

Ecclesiastes 9:7 -12
 ⁷ Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. ⁸ Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. ⁹ Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. ¹⁰ Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
 ¹¹ I have seen something else under the sun:
   The race is not to the swift
   or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
   or wealth to the brilliant
   or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.
 ¹² Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come:
   As fish are caught in a cruel net,
   or birds are taken in a snare,
so people are trapped by evil times
   that fall unexpectedly upon them.

Eat, Drink, and be Merry, people… for tomorrow, we die.

Or if you prefer…. Love Your neighbor, Love Your God. Don’t be a dick.

The End.

Let me explain something...

When you say you have a migraine, and then tell me how you drove your kids to school... I call bullshit.
This is why.

I woke up this morning at 4AM with the start of what I knew was going to be a VeryBad Day.

I took 4 ASA.  Extra strength.  Went back to bed.
Tossed and turned a bit, because it didnt matter where I sat my head, my eyes and head pounded hard enough to make me whimper.
I eventually fell asleep.
At 8 I wake up again, get the kids out of bed, get them milk.  Take 4 more ASA, and lay down on the couch with earplugs and sleep mask still intact.  By this time, my back is seizing.  The muscle spasms arent the worse ive had this week, but bad enough to contract my upper body a bit like a person in a bad exorcism movie.  Every move, makes my head feel like its going to explode.  I consider taking a hammer to it, or a vice, wondering if the "pressure" would make the pain go away.  In a moment of peace, I realize, that these things would more then likely kill me, rather then help.
Im proud of myself, I only scream twice, in two hours.
At 10, I get up and take two extra strength motrin, and lay back down.  I can lay still now, for the most part.  My legs still are restless, and my chest a bit tight.  But, the pain in my head has subsided enough for me to get the kids cheerios, fruit bars.  As I doze off to sleep though, Im still thanking God we dont have a gun, because honestly, shooting myself in the head, would be better then dealing with this.
By 11:45, the pain is returning, but I drag myself finally, to my computer anyways. This is, the fifth day now, of this intermittent bastard. I once again forsee no housework getting done.  I think Im going to try sleeping on the floor tonight, Im wondering if that mattress is just too soft for my body to relax on.

Ive taken two more ASA.
The nausea, isnt as bad as youd think, since I havent eaten anything.  Im honestly terrified to.  Even McDOnalds, hasnt really been helping.
Its the shooting back spasms, that get me - from hips to neck, its like being stabbed up, and under the muscles.  Which of course makes you thrash, which makes your head pound, which makes you want to lay still, which makes your body spasm.......
Most of the time, I just whimper.  You cant not be vocal. The pain is remarkable.

So to my sisters who claim migrianes - that come and go in 4 hours (mine last weeks), during which they can shop, go for coffee, work, or drive....
Those are "really bad headaches"
Migraines, leave you incapacitated, blind and deaf.  Migraines, leave you honestly thinking a hammer, - could *help* your situation, and not hurt it.
Migraines, are what I get.  When I dont answer the phone, when I dont go to the door, when I dont take the kids to school, when I dont get dressed, showered or come to the computer.

2 Days ago, I was seizing so bad, I almost called 911.
*That* is a migraine.

SO dont tell me to put on a helmet, because life is tough.
Dont tell me to deal with it.
Dont tell me "you should see the dr, because thats not normal"



Just - pray for me, and leave me the fuck alone.
thanks