Such is the conundrum of my life. It is a constant irritant to me that I do. Why do I feel that improvement is the key to my survival? What is it that drives me so hard?
Its a question Ive been asking myself a lot lately.
Ive handled it thusly...
1) My mind and body were designed to do certain things and react in certain ways. I have learned if I dont eat my breakfast, I end up feeling grumpy and depressed for the rest of the day. If I dont eat a *healthy* breakfast, its little better. If I get tired and complain about having to carry a 25 pound child through a mall, how much more grumpy and tired will I be carrying around an extra 45 pounds of nothing that I need? How much stress does carrying around that access weight but on my bones, on my arteries? Its honestly a bit scary. If watching or reading a certain genre of activities disrupts the way I think, and turns me into an unlikable person for those around me, then why would I willingly push those buttons? (Talking about certain horror films here) If not working or exercising, or eating right I know affects my depression, why would I stop doing those things...
More so... If there is a chance that certian things may further my mental ability to handle life effectively, to make me easier to deal with and a nicer person... than why would I *not* want to do them? Or at least try.
2) Being nice to people, being patient and loyal and caring for people... Looking for the good in things and focusing on the positive. Trying to live a more ordered, structured, gentle life. Why on earth would that ever be a bad thing? OK, yes - perhaps my obsession with it isnt always a good thing, and I have had to learn that pushing myself too hard makes me difficult too... but...
yeah, the way I am isnt bad. But wanting to be better isnt either.
3) and this is probably the biggest. I cant *not* care. Im just simply not built that way. I love people, I feel for them and I see endless possibilities within them. Their fears and their pettyness and thier problems all make me want to help them, and I see the negative ways they treat me, or others, and simply feel all the more sorry for them.
Oh, I get hurt. I get hurt alot. I will further get hurt a lot, but... its not going to stop me, I am beginning to realize that there really isnt much of an ability in me to be bitter, or resentful, or even hold a grudge.
I dont see this as a bad thing.
But I *am* intelligent enough to know that some people who have been in my life are bad influences on me. For years I have been wondering down roads that have not been... they havent taken me closer to my goals, but further from them.
Tehtah is my goal, as odd as that sounds. How I imagine her - with her 5000 years of wisdom and prayerful strength and humour. Shes me, I guess, as I want to be. Not perfect, but... *me* perfected, and I will never be perfect. Not sure if that makes any sense...
Me perfected, is not perfect.
:)
Im ok with that. I dont want to be perfect.
But I have learned that money will not make me happy, friends wont make me happy.
Family will add or take away from thier happiness, dependent on how I see them at the moment.
My happiness is dependent on me, and me alone.
Not caring about things - about my 20 feet... would be an impossibility.
And yes, even the friends who arent good for me, I care about. All of them. I care about them deeply. In the last year or so, I have learned though that I am *not* as much like them as I thought, and I *need* to be that separate person. I need to hold on to who I am when Im with them. And if they cant handle me not bending to them, then thats thier problem, not mine.
They all have the right to feel how they wish... and the power to react to me however they wish.
Supportive, or not. Compassionate or not.
My loyalty isnt in question.
And the one thing that I *have* to trian myself not to care about... is a negative reaction, but simply accept it, and go on. And in going on, I will still care about them. I will still be me.
So yes, I want to focus on the good, I want to be gentle and compassionate. I want to know God more, and in becoming more like Christ, become more and more the perfected me, who isnt perfect at all... ;)
*laughs*
Not caring - it isnt always the right size, Star... its never fit me quite right. If it fits you, than Im glad. Its certainly a lot safer.
1 comment:
May I ask why I was flounced out on in mid-conversation a few days ago and not told what I did that was flounce-worthy?
I thought you were accidentally disconnected, and waited about 45 minutes for you to come back.
I had to get told second-hand 2 hours later that there was a fit being thrown regarding me, and that I was being blamed a second time for personal issues that I had nothing to do with.
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