The problem with being a personal trainer is that people expect you to be in great shape.
Im not.
The problem with being a stay at home mom is that people expect you to love being the housewife and mom...
I dont, not always.
The problem with being a "gamer" in any way shape or form is that people expect you to be able to play for hours...
and I cant.
The problem with being a personal trainer, a stay at home mom, a housewife, and a gamer is that I really dont want to be any of those things.
The next time anybody tries to shove me in a box and label me Im going to kick their ass, then pray for them...
Then Ill bake them cookies, and help them with their self esteem.... argh.
Tigger is going back to school in September. 2 months.
For two months I get to be activity girl again. Gym, wife, mom...
and then *I* get to go back to school.
Not for my masters, and not for anything really big - yet...
Just for a few weekend courses to get my AFLCA Certification. (Alberta Fitness Leadership blahblahblah....) Just 20-24 hours per course. Exercise Theory and Resistance Trianing to start. But I think I may also take Group Exercise Fundementals, Fitness for the Older Adult, and the Ever Active Kids Module.
Of course, this means that I have exactly 4 months to get back into fighting form, and its going to be a nasty road.
But I want to do this. I may even go further, eventually... these are just basic weekend type classes. I think it would be amusing, eventually, to hold a degree in physical fitness, and theology. Then all Id need is one in psychology or a related topic and Ill have the whole triune...
Too funny.
Tigger hates school though. He isnt good at it, and hes scared. Scared about our financial situation while hes out of work, scared about passing, and scared about the future.
And Im just getting more and more annoyed by the mass stupidity I see around me in people, and am more and more tempted just to hide in my house and avoid. Because honestly - the stupid *hurts*.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
grrrrrr
I cannot begin to say how much I hate the modern church.
I feel like no one reads a bible anymore.
No one understands the nature of love anymore.
I feel like no one, not even me, would ever have the courage to stand up and ask what they all think they are doing. Certianly, no one would ever have the courage to *live* the way they should.
I know that God doesnt really "expect" his children to be anything other than children until we get to heaven...But Im so tired of being two.
I feel like no one reads a bible anymore.
No one understands the nature of love anymore.
I feel like no one, not even me, would ever have the courage to stand up and ask what they all think they are doing. Certianly, no one would ever have the courage to *live* the way they should.
I know that God doesnt really "expect" his children to be anything other than children until we get to heaven...But Im so tired of being two.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Depression...
Depression makes you tired, and anti-depressants make you tired.
Not eating properly makes you tired, and being overweight makes you tired.
When you are so tired your teeth hurt, you cant hardly move... exercise just doesnt happen.
Your temper gets short and your chores dont get done.
You get headaches and don't deal well with fit-pitching two year olds and teething 1 year olds.
In the meantime, grief eats away at me like a tiny carnivore that has randomly attached itslef to my soul. Each day is a feast of pain and self loathing and loss.
Im a Dementors dream.
My Dads birthday would have been on the 22nd of this month. I called him every year, even when I "wasnt speaking" to him.
Rod's picture sits in my kitchen and I equally loath him and understand why its there. He didnt have the courage to continue.
Mena is dying. Shes not in pain, but shes not herself either.
I go back and forth between insomnia and borderline narcolepsy.
My only moments of joy are with my children... as much as I resent, hate, and am frustrated with the lack of freedom in my life (freedom... dont get me started, therin lies my latest rant) They are likewise my source of joy. Jades laugh, Akiva's "Oh Duck!" Jades attempts to walk and Akiva starting now to spin in circles while she dances.
I want to escape, but when I do I feel guilty. I want to just walk away, but where to go? What to do?
And how could I do to my kids, what was done to me?
Only one thing I know for sure.
Things always change
and this too will change.
the quiet whisper of words written in the sand.
Not eating properly makes you tired, and being overweight makes you tired.
When you are so tired your teeth hurt, you cant hardly move... exercise just doesnt happen.
Your temper gets short and your chores dont get done.
You get headaches and don't deal well with fit-pitching two year olds and teething 1 year olds.
In the meantime, grief eats away at me like a tiny carnivore that has randomly attached itslef to my soul. Each day is a feast of pain and self loathing and loss.
Im a Dementors dream.
My Dads birthday would have been on the 22nd of this month. I called him every year, even when I "wasnt speaking" to him.
Rod's picture sits in my kitchen and I equally loath him and understand why its there. He didnt have the courage to continue.
Mena is dying. Shes not in pain, but shes not herself either.
I go back and forth between insomnia and borderline narcolepsy.
My only moments of joy are with my children... as much as I resent, hate, and am frustrated with the lack of freedom in my life (freedom... dont get me started, therin lies my latest rant) They are likewise my source of joy. Jades laugh, Akiva's "Oh Duck!" Jades attempts to walk and Akiva starting now to spin in circles while she dances.
I want to escape, but when I do I feel guilty. I want to just walk away, but where to go? What to do?
And how could I do to my kids, what was done to me?
Only one thing I know for sure.
Things always change
and this too will change.
the quiet whisper of words written in the sand.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)