Depression...

Depression makes you tired, and anti-depressants make you tired.
Not eating properly makes you tired, and being overweight makes you tired.
When you are so tired your teeth hurt, you cant hardly move... exercise just doesnt happen.
Your temper gets short and your chores dont get done.
You get headaches and don't deal well with fit-pitching two year olds and teething 1 year olds.

In the meantime, grief eats away at me like a tiny carnivore that has randomly attached itslef to my soul. Each day is a feast of pain and self loathing and loss.
Im a Dementors dream.

My Dads birthday would have been on the 22nd of this month. I called him every year, even when I "wasnt speaking" to him.
Rod's picture sits in my kitchen and I equally loath him and understand why its there. He didnt have the courage to continue.
Mena is dying. Shes not in pain, but shes not herself either.

I go back and forth between insomnia and borderline narcolepsy.

My only moments of joy are with my children... as much as I resent, hate, and am frustrated with the lack of freedom in my life (freedom... dont get me started, therin lies my latest rant) They are likewise my source of joy. Jades laugh, Akiva's "Oh Duck!" Jades attempts to walk and Akiva starting now to spin in circles while she dances.

I want to escape, but when I do I feel guilty. I want to just walk away, but where to go? What to do?
And how could I do to my kids, what was done to me?

Only one thing I know for sure.
Things always change
and this too will change.

the quiet whisper of words written in the sand.