So Very Frustrated.

I Miss Church.

I miss the worship, the learning, the people, the interaction.

Im lonely and starving for edification of any kind.

I cant go back to W.  With D there, it just feels too odd.  Too many ghosts and too much imagined pressure that I cant get past.  Never mind the fact that the building itself really puts me off.  Millions of dollars spent catering to the Country Club Set while the homeless and the mentally challenged in our city go without help with another harsh winter coming up.  It makes me sick.

My little "Outlands" Church is impossible.  Too far away to get there with the kids, and So much expectation for us to move there.  We know eventually we might end up back there, just because we still want to move there, but in the meantime...

Pent. Church's aren't satisfying anymore.  Too many years of Judiasm highlighting it and the hypocrisy of it all... the politics.. it just makes me cry.  Even the best of them are faking their way through something thats supposed to be victory when I think what really needed is humility and brokeness.

Never mind the fact that I just simply cant tolerate "Christian" holidays anymore.  Dressing up Pagan festivals in ill-fitting Christian Garb...  Its a little horrifying, really.  And The Jewish holidays I find confusing and without leadership I cant figure my way through most of them.

And than - theres the "School"

*sighs*

OK, there was a falling out between my friends and I, and there have been some tentitive outreaches on both sides, but nothing really - done.

And then We tried going back.  And promptly got smacked in the face.

Honestly folks, how would you take it if a church's first reaction to you crossing their threshold was to call an emergency board meeting?

Honestly....

They sent a board member to "talk" to us.  A board member who quit the board quickly after.

I havent heard from them since.

Again, there have been tentative outreaches of the friends on both sides, but nothing that I could remember to attend or even had much interest in.  

So no, I dont really want to go back *there*.

But Im lonely.  I miss my friends.

I miss having friends - period.

I know Im difficult.  Granted, when no one ever tells you *when* you screw up, its pretty hard to change the behavior.  And without people around me to trust, theres no one to tell me anyways, is there?

I love church.  I really do.

I remember when I used to go to 6 services a week.  

Sunday morning and night.

Tuesday, midweek service at a friends church.

Wednesday was Bible Study.

THursday was Choir

Friday was Youth Group.

I started a prayer meeting on Mondays. *laughs*  We used to fit more than 20 in my little apartment, and we would pray for hours.  It was fabulous.

Saturdays we would take day trips.  My friends and I from Youth.  We would go to the mall, the Victoria Habour, to see my mother in the hospital...

and we would sing hymns.

I realized in those years what it meant what it really meant in the scriptures that "Better is one day as a gatekeeper for the Lord, than a thousand without"

I had more fun, shut in the backroom, stamping hymnals alone that I did at school, or at the mall, or doing most anything else.

I realize now, and too late, that I should have been some kind of monk, or nun.  But it doesnt change the fact that I *NEED* a church.  I cant go much longer without one and I dont know what to do.

Im lost.