Really, really long.

But if you love me, please read this?

So, Ive always known that my mother drank during her pregnancy, and I always knew it had affected me. But it wasn’t until these last few days when I have actually looked into what it may have done, or not done.
The results shocked me down to my absolute core. And to some extent, I have spent the last few days just simply in shock.

Most people connect Fetal Alcohol Syndrome with an odd appearance (which I don’t have) or a low IQ (which I definitely don’t have) and so I suppose, at first glance, it would seem that it wasn’t an issue for me. Unless you really know the disease. Than, in all honesty? Its rather frighteningly obvious.

I think the biggest thing for me is the behavioral problems that are associated with it. The things that make day to day living a menace.
For example, memory problems.

Most people who know me know that I have memory problems. What they don’t understand is that this is what goes hand in hand with two other serious issues. One is the inability to get from fantasy, to reality. The other, is a serious issue with truth – to put it in other words, Im a compulsive liar.

Now, Ive worked bloody hard on this over the years. And to be honest, Ive come a long way. But No one is perfect, that’s for sure. And so, let me explain to you what happens.

Lets say Im supposed to do the laundry. I know I have to do the laundry, but Im busy doing something else. I promptly forget intirely that Im supposed to be doing the laundry, and it just doesn’t get done. You can actually look me in the face, ask me to do something, I will nod and assure you that I will do it – and I will have full intentions to do it. And I wont. I just simply wont remember. I wont remember what you said, I may not remember it even needs to get done, depending on how new the task is to me.
This quite often, kicks a part of my mind that I hate into action. This is the part of the equation where I lie. I don’t think about it, I don’t even mean to do it. It just *happens*. And it *sucks*.

The fantasy to reality thing Isnt so much a problem anymore. Except that the lies can sometimes get a little – stretched. But for the most part, I haven’t dealt with this one since highschool. Ive learned other ways to cope. They aren’t always ways that people who get to know me like or understand, but its far better than the alternative.

This of course, all gets wrapped up in the area of “poor reasoning and judgment skills” as well. I quite often do very stupid things. Or take chances that I shouldn’t. I know its wrong, but I still cant help myself from doing it. Just another little mental misfire that I hate.

This of course all makes maintaining friendships amazingly hard. People don’t want to be friends with someone who looks like a liar and glory hog. And I get that. And getting into a large group of people means more information thrown at me than I can handle at once, and therefore – I cant remember, and I get nervous, and the lies just start spinning out, and – Im almost helpless. Its possibly the most terrible thing in the world for me. And so I withdraw. I pull away from people and hide, because I cant deal with them the way I want to.

Anxiety and depression fit in there. When you know you cant deal well with people, it makes you not want to deal with people. You don’t want to lie. You don’t want to forget. But you know you will. You don’t want to do stupid things, but you know you will, and every social exposure becomes a landmine of risks and pitfalls that just isn’t worth it.

And ok – another symptom is the inability to read social cues as well. And to a great extent, years of counseling training has improved this. In theory, I know the cues. I can see the shifts of weight, the body postures, the placement of feet and hands, the expression on peoples faces... and still, a lot of the time, Im so nervous, and so wrapped up in my own little world, I just – steamroll right over it all.

Psychiatric and criminal issues follow. When you don’t remember what you’ve done a lot of the time, you can do some *really* stupid things. And when you have issues with risk taking, it gets much worse. Again, as Ive gotten older and more stable, this has by the most part fallen by the wayside. I don’t steal things anymore. I don’t spend a lot of time with criminals to get involved with things they might do.

The one that really stood out to me though? Was the inappropriately friendly with strangers. Again, it makes sense – the risk taking and the lack of memory, adding in the anxiety – yeah I can meet someone and within five minutes Ive told them my entire life story. Of course, the chance that Ive told them the *truth* is small. But that causes massive problems of its own. And I end up walking away feeling disgusted and angry with myself, wondering why I always do that and why I cant control my mouth.
Well – now I know.
Other issues that Ive seen? How about a difficulty with dealing with money? – Just look at my credit card problems and that becomes obvious. Or how about lack of control over my emotions? Oh yes - *all* of this is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, people. Its literally something I *cant* control.
Now – some interesting quotes… all are relative.
“Attachment disorders can be mild or severe. They can be caused by abuse, neglect, trauma of multiple placements, and/or lack of bonding with the primary caregiver. Attachment disorders can also be caused by alcohol exposure before birth.”
Yeah – does “lack of bonding” sound about right to you? On top of the FAS?
“At all ages, many children with FAS/E are overly friendly. They are too easily approached by strangers — anyone who talks to them at a bus stop is instantly their best friend. Their desire to be accepted, and their difficulty making good choices, means their peers or adults can easily lead them into inappropriate behaviour. This means that at all ages, these students require greater supervision than their peers.”
Apparently, inappropriate sexual behavior also falls into this. Again, thankfully, Ive found a safe outlet for that. Writing, is amazingly thereputic.
“Students with FAS/E often have memory problems. Like many students with learning disabilities, they may learn a concept one day, but the next day it is gone, only to reappear unexpectedly at some time in the future. Parents report that their child studies for hours for a social studies test, only to earn a failing mark the next day. Children with FAS/E may be able to recall the details of a camping trip from long ago, but not be able to remember what they had for lunch. They may be able to remember hockey statistics, but not multiplication tables. If they drop a pencil while working on a math sheet, they may have forgotten what they were doing or get lost in the middle of a problem by the time they get the pencil back. Even late in the school year, they may not remember their teacher’s name. “
Don’t ask me what my teachers names were, don’t ask me to tell you what I wrote yesterday… But I can tell you down to the last detail the dinner I ate on my wedding day, what happened when my mother died, I can even tell you a good deal of some other very random events….*shrugs* But don’t ask me how old I was when I graduated.
“Many students with FAS/E have difficulty learning mathematical skills. They may have problems with computations and problem solving and with the life-skills concepts of “time” and “money.”
Progressing through the mathematics curriculum involves:
• developing a “number” concept,
• rote knowledge for facts and algorithms (how to re-group to subtract, multiply, etc.),
• moving from computations with concrete materials to mental problem solving, and
• translating word problems into the correct sequence of computations. “
Math – ever met someone who failed the same math class *twice*? I did. My fabulous northern sister spent hours and hours tutoring me and trying to help me understand the most basic concepts. I would sit and cry, and get distracted, and cry some more. It was just impossible for me.

On the other side of things… some good news…
“Students with FAS/E can bring creative, musical and artistic gifts to your classroom. Although the participation of the student with FAS/E may sometimes be limited by the child's special needs, teachers can develop creative ways to include these individuals in the study of all fine arts subject areas. Many activities are as naturally integrative as the subject areas are to each other. Dance, drama, music and the visual arts are so rich in their experiences and forms of communication that a student with FAS/E should be included as much as possible.”
“A loving, nurturing and stable home life, without disruptions, harmful relationships or transient lifestyles, has also been shown to benefit children with fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. Those who live in abusive, unstable or violent environments are more likely to develop later behavioral problems.”

I owe my sister, and Dave Wood, and a few others my life. They made moments that should have been devastating to me stable, and solid. They were there to help me see truth when it was entirely obscured, and live in it. They gave me outlets into music, and writing, and the arts where I excelled. Im am so thankful that God put those people into my life.
But I cant help but lash out either, still coming to grips with all of this. There have been a lot of people in my life – trained in counseling and in mental illness. Both professionally, and socially.
Not one of these people managed to put two and two together and come up with this as a diagnoses. Ive even for years believes that I had “sociopathic tendencies” and never even thought that it was something just as simple as FAS, or FAE. And yes, Im furious. Ive been abandoned by friends more than once, just because they wouldn’t, or didn’t feel that it was important, to help me deal with these issues. And yet, a great deal of them were “trained” to see this people, and diagnose.
I cannot begin to explain how that makes me feel.
Right now, Im still trying to come to grips with all of this. To discover, after all these years, that so much of what Ive struggled with all my life is stuff I *cant* control. That people have demanded of me so much that I am incapable of giving. And that no one thought that maybe it *was* beyond me.
Im glad I know. I can learn new ways of dealing. Perhaps I can curb some of these instincts, now that I understand why it happens.
That being said, please don’t ask me to remember my laundry? It wont ever happen *bg*
In closing, just a few definitions and facts, me being the everloving researcher I am.

FAS: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Symptoms include small head/body, facial characteristics, brain damage

FAE: Fetal Alcohol Effects Symptoms usually not visible, such as behavior disorders, attention deficits

ARBD: Alcohol Related Birth Defects Anomalies such as heart defects, sight/hearing problems, joint anomalies, etc.

ARND: Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorders Disorders such as attention deficits, behavior disorders, obsessive/compulsive disorder, etc.

FASD: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders All of the disorders named above are contained in the spectrum. Full FAS comprises only about 10% of the spectrum. The other 90% may have fewer physical symptoms but are at greater risk for developing serious secondary conditions later. (Streissguth, 1997)

• FASD is the leading known cause of mental retardation.
• Most individuals with FASD have normal intelligence.
• FASD causes serious social and behavior problems.
• Each year in the US 5,000 babies are born with FAS.
• Five times as many are born with alcohol related disorders.
• No amount of alcohol is known to be safe during pregnancy.
• Alcohol causes more damage to baby than any other drug.
• FAS and related disorders are 100% preventable.