Unsure.

I was unsure of where to post this, on which blog. But since this isnt really a "rant" - Ive decided to post it here.

Im going to start with a postscript. Darling northern sister, You are going to be seriously upset if you read this. So dont, ok? Its me and my beleifs, on a topic that we *dont* agree on, so - just smile, wave, and walk on by.

Now that *thats* out of the way....

Jesus came, and died for everyone. Every single person on this planet. Who ever was, or ever will be. If you believe that, than you are saved. Period, end of story.

At least thats the general theory.
But scripture is pretty clear also that the gate is narrow, and that there are goats in amongst the sheep that are going to be separated out. People who think they are going to heaven, might not. Because theres still that one little hang up...

If you really love someone... your life is going to change. And in accepting Christs sacrifice, its pretty hard *not* to love Him. I mean, honestly - if someone had a gun to your head, and said "If someone doesnt take your place, Im firing in 3, 2, 1...." And this guy you never met before popped up and said "Shoot me instead" and *bam* that was that - You would probably do everything you could to get to know the guy after the fact. Because you would want to know *why* he did it. What made him tick?
And his life, would change the way you lived yours.

But where does love end, and manipulation start?
Am I counted more faithful, because I am unsure of my salvation, and still believe?
I am willing, in "theory" to serve Christ to the best of my abilities, and still go to hell. I know that is indeed what I deserve. But because I also know that faith like that is well - rather insane... do I say and believe that in an attempt to manipulate God into allowing me into heaven? Or would I truly be content?

Or am I simply recognizing the massive separation between my worthiness in action, in contrast to the Holiness and Exaltedness of God?

((for those who know me very well, both Max and Japheth are shaking their heads at me, just telling me Im over thinking something that *is* just faith, and I need to stop before I go mad))

I can confuse things further in that I, over the years, have come to believe a great deal in pre-destination. Ive met too many people who truly *want* a relationship with Christ, but simply cant seem to communicate with Him. They dont seem, no matter how much they seek and want it, to be able to find the rest and peace in the presence of God. And I know others, who shrink away from Him, and yet, cant help but seem to believe. Despite their own interests.

((sister dear, if you did read up to here, let me just say, that I respect your opinions, and your faith immeasurably, - but I believe that the reason why you believe the way *you* do? Is that you *were* chosen, and you know it, and you cant imagine life any other way. You have surrounded yourself with others like you. It is inconceivable to you, where you are, that God could *not* take someone to Him. and I get that... I really truly do ))

Lets face it - God does want everyone. He didnt die for just some people, and not others. He was brutally, and ... well.. He sacrificed *everything* for us. He has fought time and time and time and again for us just to love Him. He is the *ultimate* "boy next door". The one we see every day, but dont want.
But He isnt going to force Himself on us. If we dont want Him, he keeps that distance - polite and proper. He'll drop you a hint here and there, and the minute you start calling, He'll definitely answer...

But I suppose what Im wondering, is what exactly is *my* motive for calling? Is it truely out of love, or simply out of petty selfishness for want of a better life? Or better afterlife, as it is. Because there is *no* way that I can read into scripture that God wants us to be rich and fat and happy in *this* life. Hes far more interested in making us wise, and developing us into real people. And thats a painful, unpleasant process.
It demands poverty, and stress, and crosses to bear. It demands gifts to use, and things to give away, and sacrifices made. It means grief, and chaos, and loss. Because you certainly wont attain wisdom, if you dont *work* for it. Unless you are Solomon... you dont learn it by sitting around having a pretty boy/girl feeding you grapes all day.

Ive often said that no sane person would ever "choose" Christ. It just doesnt make sense. Because if we see life as finite, it isnt a good game plan. Only if we are indeed Eternal beings, does it push past the limits of reason and embrace *wisdom*. (because those two things, ala Jack Sparrow, are often at odds)

I suppose, really, what Im asking, is - *Does* God know that I love Him?
Do I *really* love Him? Or am I just - spouting off lip service and than just - going my own way?
Does the fact that Im even questioning this prove that I do, or is that just more manipulation?

How do I get past my dysfunction, to see what my real motive is?
any clues?