Argh

So I stepped on the scale this morning.  Ive been putting it off, because I *know* Ive put on more weight.
I didnt, however, expect to be up 20 pounds.
Thats right folks, as of this morning, I am 199.8.

Still only a size 14-16, but...

needless to say, Im going to the gym today.
I cant... I *wont* let the phrase "fat lazy whore" dictate my future.

Look - I know *most* of the people who read this blog are over that - but for one moment, step out of yourselves - and remember - that for *me* - this is a problem.  I dont think anybody else is well - what my mother said about my mother...(and if you get that, then you do know me, and know..well - yeah...)

But this is where I am.  And I feel -  Its odd - Im so disappointed in myself, there really arent any words.  Part of me just wants to hole up and never set foot outside again.
The other half of me wants to get my ass to the gym and just - live there.  Not to work, but just to - shrink.

I *know* Im capable - and yes, I recognize that I should cut myself some slack, too - I know - Its not like these last few years have been easy.  In fact, theyve really just been one massive transition of stress to another.
It can take years, just to get over a move.  And I think Ive finally adjusted to that.  And the babies...
but the mental handicaps?  The vehicle changes? The job flux?  Claytons work?
Compounded by the lack of friends? (Lisa, if you read this, you have *no* idea how much a treasure and value you - Star - you dont count *laughs* - your presence, unfortunately, is seriously taken for granted, and yes, as dependent on as someone is that you can take for granted, if you understand that - of course you do... you're *you*)
And yes, I know that 20 pounds, in light of recent things, - probably isnt even th at bad...
But Im me.
And I know that 5 years ago, I was a size 8 - almost down to 150...
And thats where I want to be
As soon as fucking possible.

Because you know what I *dont* need? On top of all the stress of kids starting school, me starting back at work, Tigger fighting to keep his own identity, and feeling enough pressure to play a fucking *game* that Im ready to quit altogether?
I dont need to feel like everybody is staring at me, thinking "She would be so attractive "if" - or "What happened to her" or "Shes let herself go so badly - I wonder why he stays with her"

Dont tell me people dont think it - I know they do.
this is my current "depression" - boxed and packaged.

yeah - prayers are appreciated, but not necessary.
and someday, Ill get into that rant.