Akiva's first sentence - "Wheres the puppy"
Jade bites his cheerios in two
Akiva can now get in and out of the tub on her own.
Jade likes spaghetti and meatballs
When she wont eat a meal, I tell her, firmly - "Eat. You have to eat it before you can get down."
Last night she had a piece of pancake in her hand. She put it up to my mouth, and when I refused it, she went "Eat!". Wonder where she gets the bossiness from )
Max has discovered that it doesnt matter how many times the cats hiss at him, they still scatter when he runs at them. And oh how he enjoys the chase!
itunes is still evil.
Ive got my meds right to not have panic attacks, but I still get alot of negative symptoms. Looks like Ill have to up the meds yet again.
Hopefully, will be watching Ironman tonight.
So far, Ive lost one pound.
Im lonely, bored, and... well, migrainy and - just not having a mentally good day.
but I figured it was time to post *something*
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
188
Today starts my little bet/compitition/madness with my boss, and Im weighing in at 188.
So very excited.
So very excited.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Moonfire.
That is what Ive named my Ipod. A pretty blue nano that holds 2000 songs. Its most of my collection, and at least everything that I would actually listen to out of it. The great thing is, that it can hold mine and Tiggers music, and give playlists for each of us, so with a decent system, its basically a home stereo - finally.
I am patheticallly, and totally adoring of it.
I am patheticallly, and totally adoring of it.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Star, Angel....
and anyone else out there who I dont know is watching...
http://hopefuldark.livejournal.com/
I succumbed. I miss you.
not sure how often Ill update, but at least Ill be able to keep up with you again.
http://hopefuldark.livejournal.com/
I succumbed. I miss you.
not sure how often Ill update, but at least Ill be able to keep up with you again.
Enter a Dragon...
I love a good challenge... I thrive on competition.
If you dont know this about me, than you dont know me very well at all, but you know it now. *smirks*
Tonight, my boss through down a gauntlet.
20 pound challenge.
Lose one pound a week, or pay 5$.
5$ for a maintain, 5$ for every pound gained.
The first one to lose 20 wins the pot.
Ill keep you all updated as to how its going here.
I am *soooo* excited about this.
Its the kick in the ass I needed, entirely.
If you dont know this about me, than you dont know me very well at all, but you know it now. *smirks*
Tonight, my boss through down a gauntlet.
20 pound challenge.
Lose one pound a week, or pay 5$.
5$ for a maintain, 5$ for every pound gained.
The first one to lose 20 wins the pot.
Ill keep you all updated as to how its going here.
I am *soooo* excited about this.
Its the kick in the ass I needed, entirely.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
There was a game.....
Im hunting for a game whos name I cant remember.
The goal of the game was to get the square on the screen down to a smaller box.
There were little balls pinging around inside. The balls got in the way of drawing the lines that cut the box.
Anybody know the name of it?
Where I can download it?
The goal of the game was to get the square on the screen down to a smaller box.
There were little balls pinging around inside. The balls got in the way of drawing the lines that cut the box.
Anybody know the name of it?
Where I can download it?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Its about time.
He is 4 1/2 pounds.
He is golden, almost redish.
He has big eyes and floppy ears.
He is timid, and sweet and cuddly.
Half Corgi, Half pug.
Hes not quite what I wanted, but hes ours and hes perfect.
His name is Max.
and yes, my muse is insulted.
He is golden, almost redish.
He has big eyes and floppy ears.
He is timid, and sweet and cuddly.
Half Corgi, Half pug.
Hes not quite what I wanted, but hes ours and hes perfect.
His name is Max.
and yes, my muse is insulted.
Oh Apryl....
I did it, I shouldnt have, but I did.
I bought Superman Returns on Blu...
Speaking of *Blue*... *giggles madly*
They really ought to have thier very own colour in the index, dont you think....
Could you imagine if all eyes were *that* colour... and every man...
gah
tell me, how pathetic is it that I would buy a movie more or less for one 3 sec shot?
I bought Superman Returns on Blu...
Speaking of *Blue*... *giggles madly*
They really ought to have thier very own colour in the index, dont you think....
Could you imagine if all eyes were *that* colour... and every man...
gah
tell me, how pathetic is it that I would buy a movie more or less for one 3 sec shot?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I am -
without question, the queen of the bargain shoppers...
Designer fur pillows - regularly 245$... thats right, Two hundred and fortyfive dollers...
I got two of them, for 20$.
Thats 10 dollers each, my dear friends.
Beat *that*!.
and would someone please shut up the muses in my head who keep reminding me that no matter how I decorate my house, my daddy *still* was not Misha?
Designer fur pillows - regularly 245$... thats right, Two hundred and fortyfive dollers...
I got two of them, for 20$.
Thats 10 dollers each, my dear friends.
Beat *that*!.
and would someone please shut up the muses in my head who keep reminding me that no matter how I decorate my house, my daddy *still* was not Misha?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
According to the Dr.
I have been having panic attacks.
Its strange, because I dont feel panicked or anxious at all, but looking at the psychology of it all, it makes sense. Ive stuffed issues for the last 2 or 3 years. Things that have happened that were largely unavoidable in some lights, that I wasnt able to cope with. And there have been a great deal of them.
One by one they have piled up to an extent where I dont even feel many emotions anymore, but my body, and brain, and heart react where my emotions cant, causing "neurological storms" heart problems, stroke symptoms, migraines, and shortness of breath.
Basically, I start dealing with things, or this could kill me, I suppose.
I know the first issue, really, was my getting pregnant in the first place. Such a bundle of contradictory emotions there.
1) I dont beleive that Christians should have kids, unless they are willing to adopt as well. And honestly, adoption would be perfered to natural children. In scripture, we are told that it is the work of God to look after the orphans and the widows. And yet thousands of children are without decent homes in this world because the people in them are too selfish. It makes me sick. And then theres all the ones who do adopt, but only want a baby because they are terrified an older child wont be "theirs"
Hate to break it to you, but no child is "yours" - you cannot own a human being, not even if its bought and paid for.
2) I prayed that God would give me kids, if it would get me out of the workforce. Oh I was so sick of trying to survive in a place where I no longer felt I belonged. I didnt have it in me, the manipulitveness, the backstabbing, the polotics, the ass-kissing. Its not me. It got to the point where every morning when I got up and turned on the shower I would throw up just from the sheer repetitiveness of it.
3)I didnt think I was a good parent. My temper, my mental instability... I still struggle with the fear that Im not a good parent - happy healthy children aside. I do better with older kids, I know how to handle them better.
4)I had to get off the birthcontrol. It was either that, or kill myself young with a stroke. I told the TIgger I had quit taking it. He knew he was supposed to see his dr. He didnt.
Passive agreement, basically, to have a child. ok, maybe passive/aggressive dysfunctional agreement, but there it is.
But it didnt prepare me. The root of the problem was still that I didnt beleive that I should be having a child, and that still sticks to me and eats at me. Oh, I know theres plenty of scriptural arguments that say I should... I wont deny that I shuddered a bit every time I read that a woman is saved through childbirth. I still wonder at the "multiply" issue... ...technically that means at *least* three kids... two isnt multiplying, its just replacing.... But Im pretty sure I couldnt survive another, so - its stopping at 2 - no matter what. (ok, barring outright miricle- and I wouldnt put it past Him if it suited Him)
So how do I get around the - I didnt want it but now I have it thing?
Its not that I dont love my kids... I do - madly and completely. Eva is the sweetest, most well behaved little creature for the most part, and shes so much *fun*. Jade is - adorable. Just adorable, and I could no longer imagine my life without them. It would be so very, very empty.
But somewhere in my spirit is still a little being screaming - "I dont want this"
Kids brought the house, which didnt help.
or maybe its the same cake, different slice....
See, all of it - the husband, the kids, the house... it ties me to this world. And this is not a place I want to belong to. Oh, Im thankful enough... there are glimpses of beauty here and amazing things that just spin my head.
But *this* is not myhome.
Im just a traveller here and Ive felt it keenly for a great deal of my life. Id walk away from all of it with no regrets tomorrow. Pack a bag with just a change of clothes, a few candles for shabbat and... well, I dont need much else, really. Oh - my bible. *That* I would not... no - I tell a lie. I could part with my bible if I had too. I can always find another, I can always wonder into a church and read for a while. So there it is.
I feel chained. Anchored. Like my feet are in cement and I can see the sky but cant breathe the air.
Thats the biggest thing Im facing.
Losing my friends and my father... thats all just something else. ANother rant for another time.
But for now, I just want to be free. I want to escape. I want a one room rental with no furniture and nothing to lose.
My time my own to pray and to sing and to love.
It was easier to love than, too - Easier to love people when I dont... cant compete.
I get that now.
So what I have to do is find a way to be Martha, when I want to be Mary. To content myself with the service where I am and find freedom...within it.
Not change my nature, but adapt it.
As Spawn has tought me - you must adapt, or die.
Today is not a good day to die... the piano gets delivered on the 20th. *eyes roll*
one more fetter.
ugh.
Its strange, because I dont feel panicked or anxious at all, but looking at the psychology of it all, it makes sense. Ive stuffed issues for the last 2 or 3 years. Things that have happened that were largely unavoidable in some lights, that I wasnt able to cope with. And there have been a great deal of them.
One by one they have piled up to an extent where I dont even feel many emotions anymore, but my body, and brain, and heart react where my emotions cant, causing "neurological storms" heart problems, stroke symptoms, migraines, and shortness of breath.
Basically, I start dealing with things, or this could kill me, I suppose.
I know the first issue, really, was my getting pregnant in the first place. Such a bundle of contradictory emotions there.
1) I dont beleive that Christians should have kids, unless they are willing to adopt as well. And honestly, adoption would be perfered to natural children. In scripture, we are told that it is the work of God to look after the orphans and the widows. And yet thousands of children are without decent homes in this world because the people in them are too selfish. It makes me sick. And then theres all the ones who do adopt, but only want a baby because they are terrified an older child wont be "theirs"
Hate to break it to you, but no child is "yours" - you cannot own a human being, not even if its bought and paid for.
2) I prayed that God would give me kids, if it would get me out of the workforce. Oh I was so sick of trying to survive in a place where I no longer felt I belonged. I didnt have it in me, the manipulitveness, the backstabbing, the polotics, the ass-kissing. Its not me. It got to the point where every morning when I got up and turned on the shower I would throw up just from the sheer repetitiveness of it.
3)I didnt think I was a good parent. My temper, my mental instability... I still struggle with the fear that Im not a good parent - happy healthy children aside. I do better with older kids, I know how to handle them better.
4)I had to get off the birthcontrol. It was either that, or kill myself young with a stroke. I told the TIgger I had quit taking it. He knew he was supposed to see his dr. He didnt.
Passive agreement, basically, to have a child. ok, maybe passive/aggressive dysfunctional agreement, but there it is.
But it didnt prepare me. The root of the problem was still that I didnt beleive that I should be having a child, and that still sticks to me and eats at me. Oh, I know theres plenty of scriptural arguments that say I should... I wont deny that I shuddered a bit every time I read that a woman is saved through childbirth. I still wonder at the "multiply" issue... ...technically that means at *least* three kids... two isnt multiplying, its just replacing.... But Im pretty sure I couldnt survive another, so - its stopping at 2 - no matter what. (ok, barring outright miricle- and I wouldnt put it past Him if it suited Him)
So how do I get around the - I didnt want it but now I have it thing?
Its not that I dont love my kids... I do - madly and completely. Eva is the sweetest, most well behaved little creature for the most part, and shes so much *fun*. Jade is - adorable. Just adorable, and I could no longer imagine my life without them. It would be so very, very empty.
But somewhere in my spirit is still a little being screaming - "I dont want this"
Kids brought the house, which didnt help.
or maybe its the same cake, different slice....
See, all of it - the husband, the kids, the house... it ties me to this world. And this is not a place I want to belong to. Oh, Im thankful enough... there are glimpses of beauty here and amazing things that just spin my head.
But *this* is not myhome.
Im just a traveller here and Ive felt it keenly for a great deal of my life. Id walk away from all of it with no regrets tomorrow. Pack a bag with just a change of clothes, a few candles for shabbat and... well, I dont need much else, really. Oh - my bible. *That* I would not... no - I tell a lie. I could part with my bible if I had too. I can always find another, I can always wonder into a church and read for a while. So there it is.
I feel chained. Anchored. Like my feet are in cement and I can see the sky but cant breathe the air.
Thats the biggest thing Im facing.
Losing my friends and my father... thats all just something else. ANother rant for another time.
But for now, I just want to be free. I want to escape. I want a one room rental with no furniture and nothing to lose.
My time my own to pray and to sing and to love.
It was easier to love than, too - Easier to love people when I dont... cant compete.
I get that now.
So what I have to do is find a way to be Martha, when I want to be Mary. To content myself with the service where I am and find freedom...within it.
Not change my nature, but adapt it.
As Spawn has tought me - you must adapt, or die.
Today is not a good day to die... the piano gets delivered on the 20th. *eyes roll*
one more fetter.
ugh.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
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