I cried today...

as I watched Eva step away from the coffee table and take a few, tentitive unaided steps. Oh I was so happy and proud of her, but I cried anyways. She walked towards me, but in doing so, she took her first real steps away.

I have a face for the Great Canadian Assasin. Its about time. Hes an attractive man under the scar that ended his career. He *was* a hockey player, once.

I have a "new" Misha. He is younger, more fanatical and dangerous.

I of course, Have Max. No face, but he doesnt really need one. I could probably draw him. Still a large man, still dark skinned, still dreadlocked and still a prosecuting attorney.

I have Charles. Hes old - 80 some odd years old. I adore him - an old detective at the end of his game. Jeremy Irons, only older type.

And I have Mike. If Slash were Native American with Gary Dourdens face and eyes...

Theres also Vince, a 19 year old genious with curly brown hair and few social skills, and John, a 40-something overweight minister with no hope and no faith.

For my girls, oh my infamous girls...
I have Fatima. Middle Eastren and shirking evvery bit of culture.
I have Tuesday Manning - She 7. I think shes my faverate *laughs*
Georgette, whos blonde and fabulous and smart. Almost a Sue, but if you know my writing, you'll know Im rather incapable of writing one of those.
Susan. Oh how I love Susan. Someday, Ill find a real home for her. My one nod to CS Lewis, I just cant leave poor Susan alone.

I still have my two cherubs who never settled on a home anywhere - David Duchevney and .... ooo whats his face..... Danny Ocean... yeah.... him.
I have others, all in stories on my other computer.....

but the point is, I have muses slowly returning. Ideas, slowly returning.
Despite the depression which is getting worse and worse, despite the greif and the loss and the pain...
My head is absolute chaos. I cant focus, I cant think half the time. Im not who I used to be at all, and its damn painful.

There is too much in life that I dont have time to conquer. Languages i want to learn and cant, things I want to do, to study... In any averidge day I want to do bible study, needlepoint, work on playing instruments, cook, clean, look after my kids, exercise, learn languages, watch movies, write books and bible studies... travel and see all that the world holds.

Theres just too much. I dont know how anybody can just do one thing, Or be bored, or... not be excited to face a new day. I just dont get it.
And yet, its that wild expectation that *depresses* me. How can I do all thats in my heart to do? How can I even begin?

I have to let go of some of my desires. But which ones? How do you let go of unlimited possibility?