Trying to figure it out - and the only way I can describe it, is that Im floating in a tub. Someone has pulled the plug, and the water is slowly draining out...along with it, is my breath, my energy, my joy, my - chi.
At the same time, people keep throwing heavy blankets - duvets, over the top of the tub, slowly suffocating me - the weight - the darkness... pressure.
I cant fight, I can only, drown in the darkness, quiet, alone.
And the shit of it all, is that in reality, my life has never been better.
Our finances are stabling out. My daughter is in school and doing well. I get lots of me time. I have a "job" that rarely ever needs me, and pays me well when it does. Clayton and I are doing, better then ever... It seems I am once again rejoining society with a few friends. World of Warcraft is getting an amazing new expansion soon, my embroidery, while currently ignored - is doing better then ever.
But I barely have the energy to do housework. Honestly? Im not even sure, day to day, that I have the energy to get out of bed, and get the kids up. Everything seems - utterly futile. And for the first time in my life - I dont even want to eat. Even my most faverate treats are just - uninteresting. Almost unedible. The only thing I have any enjoyment from is apple juice. No clue why.
I just - want to sleep. I really enjoy that, right now. The sleep mask - the ear plugs - separating me from all the sound, all the color, all the - mess, of this world. Cocooning me in a nice warm blanket - Mummifying me. Yeah, the end result of the tub vs blanket scenario - drain everything out, wrap me up... *giggles* Im not a vampire, Ima .. *dies*
Im a MOMMY!
*laughs hysterically*
somehow, I dont *think* this is how its supposed to feel, though.
No comments:
Post a Comment