Ive got this lunatic friend....

and I adore her.  But I need some advice.
Her facebook posts annoy me to such an extent, I could cry.  The only thing she ever posts about is to whine when Farmville is doing things she doesnt like. 
She has never messaged me, never so much as sent me a peep, or a poke.  Nary a comment or a bit of flair.
Over 40 people, have de-friended her recently.  I have no doubt as to why.  Still makes me feel bad for her, particularly since shes complained about not understanding why they are doing it.
Its my only way to contact her.  Shes my only family in the city.
Oh, I guess not all her posts are about Farmville.  She also uses it to complain bitterly about everything.
In fact - even in person, this woman complains about *everything* - never a positive comment, never a good word to be said.

Still - family.......

I want to defriend her.  I really do.

But I dont like burning bridges you may need later on.
little help, please?

You know........

As the end of another year comes - I realize, I dont really have any regrets - but I do have questions... and they are allll about the boys *laughs*.
Cant remember which old movie star said her only regret was there there were some men, she should have kissed, and didnt... well let me tell you - I cant add up how many times *thats* been true.

So some questions that will never be answered...
Dan... when you had me over for dinner that night, just exactly what *were* you thinking? Because to this day, I cant for the life of me remember our conversation, or have any idea what was on your name, and Ive always wondered if I missed an opportunity there.  You were *such* a nice guy.
Parv... Was it me, or her?  How did you *always* end up with my best friend?
Bishop... WTF *was* that? Honestly.
Sterling... Im not sure you ever knew how much I *really* liked you.  I should have just kissed you the one time I had a chance.

And then I moved...
and Nanaimo, I learned a whole new, and utterly confusing ball game.
I learned that guys, particularly Christian guys, do this... thing.....
They take you out, they take you for dinners, drive you everywhere, spend every freaking minute with you, and then deny you are dating.  You're "just friends".
Except experience has told me that there is *no*such* thing*.
Guys dont spend that much time with a girl they dont want.  Period.

SO honestly, N... WTF?  John? you were the strangest mo-fo, ever.  And in the end, Im glad *that* didnt happen.  You... the one dude I cant even remember your name - I met you, and you started hanging with us, and coming everywhere, and then just disappeared.....(theres actually a few of these guys, throughout history...sooo confusing)  M? - *sighs*... yes, you were another hopeless "cool" one I crushed on terribly, hid the best I could, but still really regret never taking the chance.

Edmonton.  I shouldnt name actual names, and I wont name many, but one I will is, Jordan.  Jordan, you were the first guy I met here, and for almost a year, you attached yourself to me, took me everywhere, took me to restruants I couldnt afford, and spent far too much time with me.  Then, one day, you just - disappeared - like a ghost.  Honestly man.. WTELF?
T. - you were hopeless, I swear.  You went out with me between "real" girlfriends.  You were just nice enough to make me feel like I was important, and honestly, I think you were very good at useing people.  But I still think it could have been great.
M.  Telling my hubby, that you had wanted me, but I had too much baggage?  Sick, sick, sick.
D.  Cannot figure you out.  Honestly.  What, were you hoping Id break up with Tigger?

*sighs*...
I think thats most of you.
I sincerly hope that gets you all out of my system. And at least - makes me feel like I may be able to move past the questions of why.

So,

I didnt keep track quite as well as I wanted to, this year....
But, it looks like, this is the way it rolled.

Romeos top ten movies, of 2010 - in no particular order.

Easy Virtue
Jurassic Park (all three)
Sherlock Holmes
Star Trek
The Hurt Locker
Boondock Saints (1&2)
Snatch
Ironman (1&2)
Crank (1&2)
How to Train your Dragon.

Romeos top ten TV shows, of 2010

Supernatural
Deadwood
Glee
Greys Anatomy
True Blood
Dexter
Lost
The Mentalist
Bones
Numbers.

Romeos top ten songs, of 2010

World Outside - the Devlins
The Quest - Bryn Christopher
Dragula - Rob Zombie
It Doesnt Matter Anymore - Serena Ryder
Train in Vain - Annie Lennox
Through - George Micheal
Suicide Messiah - Black Label Society
Check my Brain - ALice in Chains
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
Dead Bodies Everywhere - Korn

and special mention goes to Black Label Soceity, and Adam Lambert, for the most listened to *albums*

Top Ten Actors

Johnny Depp - everything.
Norman Reedus - Boondock Saints
Josh Holloway - Lost
 Ben Barnes - Narnia, Dorien Grey
Mark Salling - Glee
Alexander Skarsgard - True Blood
Slash
Taylor Kitsch - Friday Night Lights
Ian Somerholder - Vampire Diaries
Eric Dane - Greys Anatomy

Top Ten Actresses

Helena Bonham Carter - ALice in Woderland, Harry Potter
Emma Watson - Harry Potter
Anne Hathaway - Alice in Wonderland
Liv Tyler
Rachel LeFevre - Twilight
Ziyi Zhang - Memoirs of a Geisha
Aishwarya Rai- Bride and Prejudice 
Freida Pinto - Slumdog Millionaire
Chyler Leigh - Greys Anatomy
Yunjin Kim - Lost


and for those who care...
Top Ten muses, as voted on, by my own sense of madness...


Eduardo - Jorge Garcia
Georgette - Helena Bonham Carter
Renauld - Ben Barnes
Liam - Neorman Reedus
Robin - Johnny Depp
Corbin - Adrein Brody
Heph - Keith Richerds
Jackson - Ian McSHane
Max - its complicated.
Hannah - will edit to add her name, when my co writer reminds me of what it is.


I think, it would be fair to say, that this year, has been - difficult, at best.  between work and economic uncertainties, between Akiva and I both being diagnosed with aspergers/autism. (Jade too, probably before years end)  Akiva starting school.  and yes, stupid stresses - like the warcraft expansion, family arguments, my ongoing depression.
Ive started smoking again, something which I hate, but find useful, at the same time.
We've seen good things come too, though - and the gift of a mini-van, my son starting to say "I love you".  My sister returning from Vancouver.  Akiva doing well in school.  Alot of debts paid off.  The year, while - rough, has been - not a total loss.  
And theres been alot of personal growth, I know that.  The diagnoses of aspergers, for me, was - a wild revelation, that change my life, unlike anything else.  Ive learned that alot of my mental voices - particularly one that has caused me a great deal of stress and second guessing over the years, is actually leftover from my mother.  So now, we are working on "banishing" that terrible voice, that constantly tells me that Im "making it up" when Im sick, or angry, or "always turning mountains into molehills" when in actual fact, my emotions, and feelings in those times, are perfectly valid.


Next year, hopefully, will be less eventful. But with all the blessings added.

Well -

Im off to see the first half, of the final installment, of the Harry Potter movies tonight.
And after re-reading that final book again, I came to a realization.

I did a quick look on line, and although a few sites make mention of the obvious "Harry dies, then comes back to life to save the world" similarity between him and Christ... no one has ever made comment on the final aspect there.  And to me, its far more important.

*After* Harry comes back - *none* of his enemy, Voldemorts, spells work.
Because just as the love, that Harrys mother gave, protected him from the death that he would have suffered - even kept him from being touched at all, by evil...
*His* love - for everybody around him... protected them all.

The moment Voldemort kills Harry, he loses - everything.
Oh, he can still *cast* the spells....
But they have no affect.

Harry's love, become the guard, for every single person out there.
Just as the love of God, is our protection, for all who call upon him.

Its subtle.  Its just one line, in the books, when Harry has his final showdown, but its so perfect, it amazes me.

Yes, Im still a total Snape fan.  I think his tale is the most heart-rending, powerful story in the whole series.  I cant help but wonder if every once in a while, Snape had the thought "He should have been *my* son."  And its obvious, Lilly had a type - she liked the dark curls, the intense eyes, the proud, arrogant men.  Perhaps why James and Severus hated each other so fiercely, was because they were, quite a bit alike.  And often, when Snape is so meticulous, in counting up Harry's faults, - we see that they are the faults he himself has. 
In many ways, he is the ultimate abusive father.   Every bit a figure in Harrys life, as James would have been - and far more involved, then Dumbledore ever was.  Snape motivated Harry through the negative, which I know from my own upbringing, can be an amazingly, powerful force in the heart of someone who is determined to succeed.

And maybe, thats where *I* see myself.  For the first time, ever, Harry Potter has given me a vantage point of positivity, on my life, that Ive never had.  Harry had - all the same traits as the bad guys.  He had all the power, and all the hunger, and all the anger.
I too - had the childhood, in an adopted family, that didnt fit me.  The family that tortured me, and hurt me, and still, didnt kill what was in me.
In the end, we see that Harrys greatest strength, his best ability, was that through it all, he remained "pure in heart"
Its not that he never screwed up, not that he never had bad thoughts, or made some wrong steps.  But that he actually chose to learn from them, teach from them.  Not sit off in the corner going "woe is me".  He chose to become a better person.  He refused to grow bitter, angry, or frustrated, for long.
And the most negative, powerful forces he came across, usually in the form of Snape, only forced him to work harder, at being *better*.
At not giving into his faults, but holding to his integrity with both hands and not giving up.

*laughs* Even Umbridge, who punished him so harshly, that the words "I shall not tell lies" were permanently etched on the back of his hand....  He learned that lesson - in *truth* - and we see that by telling the truth, he did, indeed, win out - time and time again.

Yes, I owe CT a huge debt, in pretty much forcing these books on me.  I can honestly say, that they changed my life.  And even strengthened my relationship with God, giving me a better aspect, to see from - how *He* sees me. 

Im going to enjoy, tonight.
absolutely.

oh the things you learn...

Billy Connelly, was - amazing.
3 hours.

The chairs, were terrible, and Im sicker then ever. The seats weren't where I thought we would be, but far further back.  Some of it, I couldn't even watch because the background was so obnoxious, and it was hard to focus just on him.
But its amazing.
He started off by congratulating us all on our bravery, informing us that if he were in Ireland *noone* would have come.  Then went on to oh god - sooooo many things.
Some of the topics he covered -
How to be annoying
Nose Hair
Aunt Agnes
Old Ladies and Scones
American Egos
Use of the word "cunt"
Being mistaken for John Cleese - in Harry Potter
Chicago
New York
Glasgow
Camping
Catholic Church
Peruvian Wind Reeds
Defining "Lost" - the verb,  not the show
How big Canada is
Mexican Hurricanes
Smoking and drinking
Aunt Agnes, and the toaster

His style, seems to be to start a story, and then get sidetracked to another, then to another, then to another, and then return to the origanal, then be side tracked, then go back to another hanger....
Its hilarious - you never quite know where hes going to go, or when hes going to cut away.
It keeps you interested in the whole three hours.He does certainly love the profanity, but its funny, not really profane.
I loved, almost every minute of it. 
it was just the seats, that detracted from *everything* - it was brutal to sit in that small, cramped seat, for three hours, and relax enough to laugh like you want to.

But I do know one thing - I will never, ever *ever* again, be able to look at a toaster again, without at least a mental giggle.

I think, Im dying...

no, seriously, my hearing is gone, my neck and throat have almost entirely closed up, my eyes dont want to open, both my nose, and my ass, are running.
My intire body feels like its been hit by a tractor trailer and finished off by a combine.

That being said, last night was fun.
As soon as we arrived, while I was still waiting for Tigger to park the car, I saw one of the few friends I have there, and she stayed and chatted with me untill Tigger showed up,and then the three of us went down into the bowels of the convention center.
It seemed like there were less skanks then last year (only saw one girl whos boots covered more material then her dress) and more gowns.  Im *definitely* going full length next year.  Some of the dresses were "themed" as it was a "through the decades" party.  Although to my mind, the one of Tiggers friends who was done up in a peach crushed velvet suit totally won that area for the night.  He was even sporting the nasty stasche.
The table where we were seated was - ok.  We knew three of the people, at least.  The real issue was one of the ones who I had seen at previous parties but didnt know.  The first bad sign was that he was sitting "alone" at the table.  And by alone, I mean that both chairs on either side of him were empty.  The second was that he was so drunk, before the event even started, that he couldnt barely stand.
ok, Ill give him that - they were handing out complimentary glasses during the "mingling" stage of this amazing sparkling wine that tasted like cool-aid.  I had three glasses before I even realized it and after coming in from outside for a smoke, I realized *I* wasnt walking that great either.
Word of wisdom, learned last night?  Never have a metal chain purse with you, when its more then 20 below, if you like your fingers.
Anyways, back to Mr. Drunk and lonely.  He had at least two more beers, before the meal arrived, and by the time we got to the turkey, he was - pulling strips of skin off the bird with his bare hands and jamming them in his mouth.  It was, remarkably disgusting.
The meal was - incredible, for the most part, and my muses were gushing through the whole thing.
Butternut Squash soup with sunflower seed pesto.  This is absolutely my new faverate thing *ever*.  Never mind how entertaining it was to watch everybody eat around the "green gob" in the center of their bowls, not knowing they were supposed to stir it into their soup. 
The turkey was - possibly one of the best Ive ever had.  The veggies were thinly sliced peppers, onions, carrots and celery, all roasted with a few pieces of asparagus.  Whipped Mashed potatoes with cranberry sauce (made, not bought).  I didnt eat the stuffing, but Tigger tells me it was less then perfection.
And then there was dessert.
If I hadnt already been sick enough to think I was dying, I would have thought I was in heaven anyways.  Perfectly done little bowls of spiced creme brulee, with a sliced strawberry in whipped creme on the side, a chocolate "wave stick" balanced on that, and next to it, a small Grand Marnier Truffle.
What I really couldnt believe is that one of the people at our table turned their noses up at it, saying that it looked to weird for them.  I snagged their chocolate and their strawberry.
They had a live band, with a horns section.  They had a DJ, for when the band was on breaks.  *and* they had a dance instructor.  So they were actually teaching people the electric slide, and how to disco.  It was remarkably awesome.
Oh yes, and the decorations... The usual convention chairs covered over in white satin, the silver and glass and holly centerpieces off of which everything reflected.  Each napkin done in a different piece of folded art  at the table.  It was so gorgeous.
By the time the dance came, we had switched tables to one where we had a few more friends.  It was much more relaxing.  And what totally made my night, was that one of the men suggested we have a group photo of us all taken. (Yes, they also had professional photographers there, printing out digital copy for you)  So all of us, five couples filed up and got in the frame together.  It was the first time, in a long time, that Ive felt part of something greater then me.
Clayton actually danced with me, which is truely a rarity.  But it also made me start coughing so badly I couldn't stand, and I could no longer disguise the fact that I was so sick.  SO it wasn't long after our couple of dances, that we headed for neocitrine land, and home.

Oh, and *before* the event?  Yeah, they forgot about my hair appt.  Lost, it, actually.  So I ended up with thier master stylist - who didnt listen to a word I said, gave me a haircut I didnt want, and then didnt style it much at all because *apparently* you cant do a hell of a lot with a bob.  And charged me twice as much as what I usually pay, on top of it.
It was the first time in my life, I didnt tip my stylist.
Then, in the parking lot - *sighs*
My pantyhose fell off - right down to my thighs as I was walking back to my car.
SO much for wearing those on the *outside* of the spanx.
At least I figured that one out, before I got on the dance floor?

So that was yesterday.
Today, I am child free, so sick and hurting I want to curl in a ball and die, and still have to dress up *again* to go and see Billy Connely, who I *will* be attending, even if they have to wheel my frozen dead corpse in.
So there.

blahblahrant - part 4

Yeah, I know - its - confusing, out there.

No, I dont - hate the church, but no, I dont attend one, either.
Fellowship? Well, were having that right now, arent we?

Oh, I see - its not *in* a church, so it doesnt count?

Lets take a look at that claim, shall we?

See - when Christ rose from the dead, He did something rather miraculous.  He ripped the cloak in two. 
And you have *no* idea what Im talking about, do you? Of course not.  They dont like talking about this.

You see, in the Temple, in Jerusalem, there was - a sheet.  It separated the Holy of Holies, where only the High Priest could go, and enter the very presence of God, from the rest of the synagogue.  This was - a big deal.  To go behind that sheet, they had to do a series of purification rituals, and prayers, and then, they had to have a bell, tied to their ankle.  and a rope.

The rope was so that if God struck the Priest dead, they could drag him back out.  If the bells stopped jingling... they knew he was dead.  And it was a real fear.  More then once, God had done people in, just for daring to come into His presence, who wasnt prepared.

But when Christ rose from the dead, the sheet tore in two, right down them middle.  The "Glory" had left the Temple.  God could no longer be contained, within four walls.  When Christ rose, He chose instead, to dwell *in* us - in our hearts.  In our Spirits, in our souls - however you want to look at it, the importance here is that *God*cannot*be*contained*.

Not in *any* building.

This is why we are to take care of our bodies.  This is why jamming them with nicotine, alcohol, trans fat, preservatives, and all sorts of chemical goodness is an issue.

Yes, I smoke.  Yes, I drink.  Yes, I smoke pot.  Im not perfect - Ive never claimed to be.  And thankfully, God doesnt expect us to be.  He loves us even when we destroy the temple He now lives in...
do I believe Satan is behind that? - oh hells yes... just ask *any* addict.

but today, we arent talking about that.  We are talking about - "church".

Now, biblically, the church *is* the people.  Its not about a building.  The church, His bride - is all of us who believe.  And any time two or more of us get together - That's fellowship - that is a gathering of believers, brought together.  Now, believers can get together, and *not* have "fellowship" - and that - that sucks.  Trust me, Ive been there.  You sit and you talk about - nothing that matters, and each one of you leaves, kinda - feeling like the day could have been better.

But Ive also been in groups - where not even everybody there, was a believer, and the topic changes, and suddenly - you *feel* it.  The air just gets charged, and the hair on the back of your neck stands up and cant help but Praise, or sing, or worship outright...
And this is when Ive seen lives *changed*.  More then in a "service" with a pastor... just a group of friends, joining together. 

If you havent had the chance to experience this yet, then I feel for you.  And I hope you do get to this.  And yes, you can even have this, all alone... just you, and your computer, or your bible, or alone washing dishes and suddenly, you *know* that you are loved, and that He is there with you.  And it just, makes everything else shrink into insignificance, just for that moment.

Youve had that experience at church? Awesome.  I have too.  Its a good place for it.  It is after all, a directed gathering of the saints.  It *should* happen there. 

So why dont *I* go to church?
Good Question.

First of all, its - the buildings.  Multi-million dollar structures meant to impress and show off.  They have gyms and dinner theaters and fire side rooms and day cares....and no - its not *bad*.
But its not...It makes a simple truth into a spectacle.  And God doesnt do parlor tricks.

Secondly - its the - red tape and ----- hierarchical structure? I suppose?  Pastors are turned into little Kings, in their castles.  With a board, or.. senate, under them.  It gets ugly.  And very little gets done thats focus is on - "what can we do to Serve in the name of Christ, today"
Also, people who *dont* have a doctorate, are often pushed aside - unable to lead, or even have a voice.

And Christ meant for *all* of us to be His emissaries, His priests.  But pastors dont want that.  They just want a flock to tend, and to keep them there.  Paying thier dues and lip syncing the songs they choose.  Yes, Im bitter.  Ill admit to that.

Why? because my dear, when a pastor discovers you have skills - they will use them. and abuse them.  And when you burn out, they wont even care.  More then one church has eaten me alive and spit me out.  yes, thats exactly what they did. 

But I do make a distinction, between those organizations, and the *Church* - who is a beautiful, and amazing thing.  Even as deluded, and mistaken, and as torn apart as She is...  She is - His Bride.

But untill I can find a building, that houses the saints....  that doesnt care about making the money - but honors the Jewish roots of our faith, and doesnt care about race, or job status, or sexual preference - but lets God deal with each one, on *His* time table, not theirs....  who demands that their people grow in grace, and peace, and in spirit, as leaders - individually, and as a whole?  Who doesnt allow a - out of control - experience to squelch the integrity, of the Spirit of God...

Im asking too much?
I thought so.
But thats why *I* dont go to church.

But Im *alll* about the fellowship.
Worship, Fellowship, and Discipline.

Because its *all* God asks of us.

uuuuhhhhhh......

Point 1 - How does one "lose" a rocket launcher?



Point 2 - Why does one *need* a rocket launcher, on Vancouver Island?


I mean... *honestly* people?

Not sure why -

but I woke up this morning, really wanting to get this story down.  Im honestly not even sure which blog this belongs to, but, Im going to put it here.

**___Trigger warning - highly sensitive stuff, read at your own risk ___**


I - dont talk about this.  I suppose because the wound just ran too deep.  I have no problems telling people that my parents kicked me out.  In reality, it was more a carefully structured move - I went from my parents house, to my sisters house.  And while it *was* kicking me out - it was what I wanted, too.  I wanted to leave.  I hated it there. 
What I dont talk about - is the day they left me.
Maybe Im just finally  - capable - of dealing with it.

I was getting ready for school.  Doing my make up, Im pretty sure.  And I was so - thrown - when the phone began to ring.  This was like - 7:30 AM, so - not really a time when anybody calls.  I remember thinking it might be my best friend, calling, so I answered it cheerfully enough.

When I heard my Dads voice on the other side, I remember the WTF moment. then realizing I had to focus, he had *never* called me.  I had been away from home for more then a year.  (wondering now, suddenly, if me getting arrested for shoplifting was fall out from this event - but I cant remember if it was that winter when it happened, or the winter before - just - not good with time)

But the point is, that Dad never called me.   Dad never even talked to me.  He hadnt even known I was leaving home, untill it happened - and mom had told him it was all on me and Jan - which wasnt true at all.  Of course, we wouldnt find that out for years - but, I think it says something for him - how much he really did love my sister and I - that he *had* to call and tell us, in his own clumsy way.

I remember the conversation, as breif as it was, very clearly.  I think, he didnt want mom to catch him on the phone.  He said they were leaving for the Island that morning, and I asked when they would be back. 
When he said they wouldnt be, that they had bought a house, Im pretty sure I started shutting down.  I remember just saying "Oh, ok, well - thanks for telling me"

Im not sure if he asked if I wanted to come or not.  Maybe its just something my mind has - desperately imagined - in fact, its probably that.  But my next very clear memory is standing, and getting on the bus.  In retrospect, I should have just stayed home, but - It was easier to go through the motions, and Jan wasnt awake yet, and terrible to wake up, and I knew my friends, would be up, and functioning.  SO I got on the bus.

I remember thinking that if I acted hysterical, I would get attention.  I needed it.  Im not sure if its really manipulation though.  In situations like that, Im not sure there is a valid, or non-valid response.  But I do remember my bus driver, who I had known for a few years by then, offering to go off his route, and drive me to the hospital - again, at this point, possibly something I should have said  yes too, but didnt.

Not even when I saw thier motorhome, pass us on its way out of town.

I remember walking to my friends house, trying to figure out what I should do when I got there, how I should act that would maximize reaction.   Again, valid manipulation, I think.  What I really needed was someone just to stop me, and hug me, and tell me everything was going to be ok, and that I was loved.  The same things I need today, and have always needed, and never really received untill - well - my husband.

After that, its kindof a blur untill I got to the mall.  I know Clover was with me, Im not sure if the "Other" was there.  I remember looking at the walls.  I remeber, trying to deal, or maybe just trying to ignore it.

I ran into Jan in the grocery store.  Im not sure *why* I was in the grocery store, but, I remember her starting to ream me out for not being in school, and me trying to tell her what happened.  Historically, she punched the wall of the store in response.  I *think* she damaged it, not sure.  These were her parents too - and she had lived with them a lot longer then I had. 

I realize now, that her world took a tumble that day too.  That she couldnt comfort me - it was just too far beyond her as well.  In retrospect - it probably was bad parenting - but its not like anybody could blame her.  She had just been abandoned as much as I had been.  Maybe even more.  Not telling a mentally unstable teenager your plans might not be the best idea - but not telling your adult daughter whos looking after *two* unstable teenagers is - a mad slap in the face.

Now, I dont even remember what came after that.  If I went home with her, or if I went back to Clovers.  I dont remember telling my best friend, although I know I did.

More importantly, to this day, I dont remember a single adult responding to me the way I wanted them too.  I think probably, they were all a little too shocked, to really comprehend what had happened.  I mean, really - what responsible adult buys a house 800 miles away, and moves, *without* telling thier family - thier own kids?  Its a device used in soap operas and horror stories.  I mean, "True Blood" used it as a plot device for thier freaking shapeshifter.  Thats how entirely unplausable such a thing was.

Looking back, most of them probably thought I was just lying again.  I did it so often it was an understandable response.  And then of course, in finding out that it was the truth, they were probably far too humiliated, and horror struck, to do anything else.  And I *really* doubt that apologizing to me ever entered thier minds.

Now - I dont remember much after that - Im shitty at putting together time lines at the best of times - but probably the trauma of the event just - blocks out - everything.  Something like this can knock a person right off thier axis for years, never mind months.  And if I had abandonment issues *before* that happened - which I did, it easily compounded them.

This wasnt getting kicked out because of bad behavior, this wasnt someone dying, or leaving because they had no choice.  This was a premeditated, cold hearted, brutal act of a woman who wasnt mentally stable herself.  Not that it *excuses* her behavior - Even the most insane of people, can probably understand that what was done was - sick.  But - it is the only way *I* can rationalize what was done.

To this day, I still live with the feelings of "every body leaves me, no body loves me, and I am not worth the time"  And even though its untrue, this one incident is scored so deeply in my heart, Im not sure I will ever recover from it.  I *think* I was seventeen when they left.  But I may have been 16.  This means it was 20 years ago.

this is the first time Ive ever actually taken the event out, and functionally *looked* at it.
20 years, of hiding it, a deep ugly cancer eating away at my heart.  Possibly one of the nastiest scars I have.  Its *still* just barely real to me.  And yet, it defines a great deal of my pathos.

Its not - something you can really "deal" with either, I dont think.  Theres no way to put a positive spin on it.  Theres no comfort, theres no "good thing".  There isnt even a single individual that I can point to, who helped me at this time.  Not directly.  From the beginning, it was a dark, ugly thing that got hidden away - not dealt with, not talked about.  THey were gone, now deal with it.

Now, Im ready to.
My parents are long dead.  I cant talk to them about it.
Im not sure Clover remembers the event.
My sister, really, is the only person I have to talk to about it - and hopefully, over Christmas, we can hash this out.  If she can.  Because Im not going to push, if shes not ready to deal with it.  Not fair to her.

So theres the ugly.
any ideas on what to do with it?

fanfiction junk.

I dont often write - fanfiction - anymore, but, Ive a plot bunny that wont go away, and I dont feel like posting it anywhere else, at least not in this rough form.

So - enter into the dreded realm of mind, if you want...
otherwise, just ignore it.  Its not so much a story, as story planning, anyways...

Ok - so, thinking of the Boston Strangler case, as a backstory/leapboard.
Women start getting dead again, and of course, the MacManus brothers would be all over it, trying to find the killers - but a few states away, Sam Winchester would be convincing his brother to go and look into it too, particularly citing the facts that no one was ever sure that DeSalvo was the killer, or not, that maybe this was some kind of paranormal thing from the start...

So Sam and Dean Winchester invade small city Boston.

Knowing Deans love of good alcohol, and a good bar brawl to boot, I can see them ending up at an Irish pub, particularly if its around St. Paddys - which may or may not be too much of a contrivance.  But Certainly, this wouldnt be Doc's bar, because Id place him firmly underground at this point.  As much as I *adore* the character of Doc...  perhaps bring in his son? Or even a daughter... Im not sure if Tourettes is genetic, but - yes, research would be needed.

Maybe Dean tries to play the MacManus brothers for fools at the pool table, and gets his ass well beaten for it, - no, I think Id want Dean to win, and win *well*.  Leaving Murphy and Conner broke.  Because that could run a gag all through the  story.

Anyways, later on, I think Id have Sam and Dean stalking around the last murder scene, looking for the usual EMP readings, sulfer, and what-not, and things get really creepy, and then, enter the MacManus'.

I just, cant get the idea of a confrontation between them going down a little like -
"Wait, are you guys Hunters?"
"Well, kind of..."
Are you guys Preists"
"I suppose, in a way...."

yeah
it would be so funny.
Of course, the back story Ive worked out with my darling co-writer could come in here, and finally See the brothers as children, and teens, growing up in Ireland, fighting with the IRA, becoming priests... being forced to leave Ireland for their own safety.  Id love to see Ma Macmanus give them those matching rosaries at their ordination.  Also love for those rosaries to turn out made of some special wood, or hae some special meaning to the WInchester brothers.

So, the four of them talk it out, and Sam and Dean can crash at the MacManus pad, which can bring about all kinds of halarity... and slash, if necessary.
*or*
We can do the faithful need for roadtrip/hotel stay for some kind of background information.  This would give us a few opportunities
1) I would absolutely die to see Colin and Murphy, in the back of the Metallicar, doing their constant squabble/fighting in enclosed spaces bit. 
2) I would definitely want Dean and Sam to do their "two queen" bit, while Conner and Murphy snicker in the back, and then *them* going p and doing "Two singles"  Largely because I have Dean in the back of my mind looking at his brother going "Do you really think *that* can fit on a single?"
Lets face it, with the MacManus brothers only being 5'10 - the ever present sasquatch jokes would be rampant.

Ive been debating, on who should play the "cop" role, and all I can think of, is giving Bobby one of those classic "This is how it went down" scenarios.  Complete with line "I dont know wether God was being stupid, or just plum brave, to make two sets of you idgits"  But yes, Bobby, in slow mo - imitating some kind of paranormal effect, is too much awesome to not have.
Of course, it could be Cas, too...  In that deadpan fashion of his, but - it doesnt quite speak to me as much.
Cas, I think, would be kept till the end, as the deux ex machina, if necessary, coming along with Smecker.

I havent really figured out yet, how to kill off, whatever it is thats doing the murders, except that I know that Sammy will discover that the way involves Rope.  At which point, Muphy *must* roll his eyes, and Conner *must* point, smirking.  Nothing else ever really needs to be said, there.

Any other classic Boondock Saints moments that can be inserted - I know that when the boys open up thier trunk, we'll get the "the only love Ill ever need" moment....
The cat is easy...it *is* spn, after all.

SOmewhere, possibly in the bar, there needs to be a photo, hanging on the wall - of Pa Macmanus, and Daddy Winchester together, wasted, and smiling, arms around each others shoulders - drinking buddies.  Because lets face it - the MacManus' hunt down baddies, and you cant tell me that no one ever sent him after John... it just - makes sense.

Rocco is a bit tougher, but again, its SPN - so talking from beyond the grave, isnt that difficult.  And yes, Id pay my last nickle to see Pa Winchester, Rocco, and Daddy MacManus, all sitting at a bar together.  Three black peacoats... all in a row

Clever vocabulary jokes abound the moment you put Romeo in a room with Bobby.  Or even better - put *him* with Cas.  I mean, Im sorry, but just those two *looking* at each other would be rolling on the floor funny.

Im not sure Ill ever actually *write* this one out - but, the ideas are definitely there.  Im also not sure if it would be that funny out of the context of being an BDS/SPN crossover... not something I could fiddle with untill I no longer broke tradmark, in other words, which is too bad, because I think the story in and of itself, has merit...  At least as some kind of horror/thriller.  But Im pretty sure if I was just going to write the story, for myself - Id have to take - maybe ... maybe two female leads...one supernaturally bent, one with their head firmly set in reality.  And have them wonder into the mystery of the Boston Strangler...  Which would be an awesome story in and of itself, yes...

But I just *really* **really** just once, want to see Norman Reedus, look up at Jared Padelecki, and ask him to shove some more lucky charms up his ass, before he kicks him down to size, sip his whiskey, set his cigarette aside, and then just tackle the poor boy.

blahblahrant - part 3

*sighs*
of course, you *would* want to talk about baptism.

Well, lets start with the basic idea.  Yes - its a *good* idea.  Stupid - perhaps, but good.
Why good? Because its the *ultimate* in public confession.  its you *literally* saying "Im starting over again... and this time, with *Him*"  And not just in the literal sense, but in the spiritual, and mental sense too.  And trust me, those things *count*.

Hey - have you read Proverbs 16 yet?
uhhuh, thats what I thought...

anyways, Baptism.  Jesus did it - and if you want to be like Him... Its probably a good step.  If you need "more" biblical necessity then that, go buy a book.  Theres hundreds of them.  Most of them shit, but - feel free to take a look.

First of all, you're going to need to decide if you want to be sprinkled, or dunked.  No - I dont really think it matters to God which.  Seriously, I dont.  Some people are afraid of water... yes, I think God would be cool with them being sprinkled.  Some people prefer the ritual involved.  Some people like the spectacle of being dunked.  Some people want the full emergence and sense of rebirth.  SOme people want to do *exactly* what Jesus did.

You know what I think? I think God sees your heart.  I think He knows what your intent is in doing it.  me? Ive been baptized 3 times.  Yes, 3.  Once as a baby, which I think is bunk - but on the other hand, - if you *really* believe in predestination, then that may be why Im a Christian today.  Second time, as a teen, I was sprinkled.  It definitely set me on the path to where I am.  It was my initial "yeah, Im going to give this life change thing a real shot".  The third time, I was dunked in a river by a man named John.  SO yes, fresh flowing water, the whole bit.  And yes - that was - a neat experience.  But the point is, that each one of those experiences was unique to me.  And *if* you choose this, it will be unique to *you*.

Because, like everything, I believe in the end, its just between you and God.

SO once youve figured out "dunked vs Sprinkled" then you need to find the appropriate minister to - well, administer it.  The easiest way to do this, is to find a church.
Note, I didnt say "join" a church.  I said *find* one.
If the pastor wont baptize you, without joining the church, smile and wave, and walk away.  You may want to point out on your way out the door, that Paul made quite a big deal about the fact that it *doesnt*matter* who baptizes you in his letters.
If you cant find a church, then look for any christian you know, willing to do the deed.  thats right - *any* of them, or us, can do it.  No, you dont need a degree.  Grab a bottle of water, hand it to them, and ask politely.  If they refuse, remind them that as far as God is concerned, we are *all* ministers... every single one of us.
Me?
Yeah, sure, I can do it, and would.  In a heartbeat.  I cant give you the pretty little certificate from it, but Im not sure God cares too much about that, either, and as Ive said, its the act - between you and *Him* that matters, nothing else.

Payment? Oh that would be nice...*very* nice.
Do I *ask* for it? Hell no.  Not *ever*.
In my opinion, any pastor who *asks* for payment, doesnt deserve it.
You dont do these things, for the money.

On the other hand, a man who works, deserves a wage.  So if a minister is willing, and doesnt bring up money, offer him some.  How much? Thats between you and God.  I know how much *I* would pay... but then, I most likely *dont* need to be baptized - again. *laughs*.

But yeah, I think Baptism is important for those who want, and can.  Its another step on the path, another - benchmark, if you will.  A mile marker on the road.  And if you get this far, then stop and enjoy it.  Because it wont be long, before the path gets muddy, and shit on, and sometimes washes out from under your feet.  But at that moment..  You *are* on solid rock.  Enjoy.

(please note, this isnt a decision to be rushed into.  this is something you want to consider - for a long time.  THis is a *real* statement, a declaration of life intent... and if you believe in such things as spirits, or heaven, and hell - then understand, that those beings, take this decision *far* more seriously then we do.  Or even understand how to. - and yes, I very much beleive in those places, and those beings, so - I too - take this as a remarkable decision.  And for those who take the step, I am always amazingly proud of. - poor idiotic fools as we all are)

blahblahrant - part 2

oh - hey there - you're back
and wondering what you do now?

Well  - theres the usual options - you could join a church - but I dont recommend it.  At least not yet.
You could go around annoying your neighbors, and family...
You could even give away all your possessions to the poor - ok, no,not that - not even homeless shelters will take *those*...just - hold on to it, for now...
ok, where were we?
oh yes

Public Confession of Faith.

Yes, Im sorry, you have to - eventually.
Well - no, you dont.  You can go along nice and quiet the rest of your life, and then when you get to Heaven, Gods going to look at you and go "oh, sorry - do I know you?  Yes, yes - I saw you a few times... I think? Hard to remember - you always said you didnt know me...."

Yeah
really, it only needs to be one person you know, if you are shy about it.  I get it - even God understands it.  Thats probably why he had so many people write about it, - old and new testament... Its important.  God has this thing about accountability.  Bizarre, I know, but he likes a bit of integrity in His people.  Its that first step of becoming, well - more like Him.  Or more like yourself - depending on how you look at it. 

You're looking at me weird again, but just ignore that last comment - if you dont get it, you will - later.

SO find someone you trust, and yak.  These days, I dont think it matters if its in person, or online - as long as its someone who *counts*.  And you know what I mean by that... you cant just wonder into a random chat room full of idiots youve never spoken to and announce you are a Christian.

If you can get past *that* step - then yes, Hell is going to take a little more interest.  But so is God.
you poor, poor stupid, fool.

No, Im *not* mocking you.
Im commiserating.
Because there are stupider choices to come... trust me, Ive made most of them.

blahblahrant

So - youve decided to become an idiot - I mean Christian...
My I express my sincere condolences.

First of all - yes, the world hates Christians.  With damn good reason.  We have raped, murdered and pillaged our way through history.
Oh! you dont mean that kind of Christian...
you mean the *real* kind.. the ones that those guys hate?
Oh well then, that changes *everything*

In that case, you arent an idiot at all - you're a damn fool.
You have my sincere condolences.
Welcome to the club.

So - youve accepted Christ into your heart as your personal Lord and Savior.. *clears throat*
(Dont ask)
You have a bible?
No - then get one.
Yes? then great - keep it close, youll be needing that.

Oh yeah, I do actually expect you to read it, not just to put it on your coffee table as a conversation piece to gather dust.  You can use your Special Edition World of Warcraft art books for that.

Whats that? You dont "get" it? You cant remember anything you read?
Let me insert here the needless platitude about all the things in a day that go through us, that we dont "feel" helping us... Or the current one floating around the web - the guy with the coal basket...water goes through, but cleans the basket - yeahyeah... you get it now?
Still think its stupid?
Tough shit, read it anyways.

No - you dont start at the beginning, dumb ass.  Its not a book book, its - a compendium of books.  Start at John.  Yes, at John.  Or if you "dont have much time" *insert eye roll here* then start at Proverbs.  There are 31 Proverbs.  There are usually?always? less then 32 days a month.  Read one a day.
Yes, for the rest of your life.
Yes, Im serious.
If you ask me if it gets boring Im going to smack you, just a warning.

Oh - why did I offer my condolences?
Well - first off - you;re a Christian - and people rightfully hate Christians.  and you may not be "one of those" but untill we come up wi th a name that seperates us from those - definitively - we're stuck with it.
Secondly - You now have the attention of hell.  No, Im not sure if its one demon, or many, or even Satan himself.

Uh, yes, I beleive all of that.  No, I dont think Im any more or less crazy then you yourself are.

Oh, dont worry, you may have thier attention, but its still light on the influence right now.
They're waiting to see what you *do* with this decision.

What do I mean by that?
Ohh Im sorry, were out of tiem for today, maybe we can start back up again tomorrow...

In conclusion - Im sorry, read... *looks at cell phone*   Proverbs 15...yeah
have a great day!

Apryl - Im, um - stealing your idea.

So - I hit 200 - and I need - motivation.
So, Im stealing my little sisters idea.

If I can drop to 180 - Im getting my upper ear pierced
160 gets me my nose ring.
150, gets me my first tattoo
and anything under that, well - we will see.

*bouncebounce* if that isnt motivaion, Im not sure what *is*

Depression...

Trying to figure it out - and the only way I can describe it, is that Im floating in a tub.  Someone has pulled the plug, and the water is slowly draining out...along with it, is my breath, my energy, my joy, my - chi.
At the same time, people keep throwing heavy blankets - duvets, over the top of the tub, slowly suffocating me - the weight - the darkness... pressure.

I cant fight, I can only, drown in the darkness, quiet, alone.
And the shit of it all, is that in reality, my life has never been better.

Our finances are stabling out.  My daughter is in school and doing well.  I get lots of me time.  I have a "job" that rarely ever needs me, and pays me well when it does.  Clayton and I are doing, better then ever...  It seems I am once again rejoining society with a few friends.  World of Warcraft is getting an amazing new expansion soon, my embroidery, while currently ignored - is doing better then ever.

But I barely have the energy to do housework.  Honestly? Im not even sure, day to day, that I have the energy to get out of bed, and get the kids up.  Everything seems - utterly futile.  And for the first time in my life - I dont even want to eat.  Even my most faverate treats are just - uninteresting.  Almost unedible.  The only thing I have any enjoyment from is apple juice.  No clue why.

I just - want to sleep.  I really enjoy that, right now.  The sleep mask - the ear plugs - separating me from all the sound, all the color, all the - mess, of this world.  Cocooning me in a nice warm blanket - Mummifying me.  Yeah, the end result of the tub vs blanket scenario - drain everything out, wrap me up... *giggles* Im not a vampire, Ima .. *dies*
Im a MOMMY!

*laughs hysterically*
somehow, I dont *think* this is how its supposed to feel, though.

If you like reality -

with your gratuitous violence, I highly recommend "the Experiment"

Adrain Brody plays the lead, so of course - its perfect in execution.
Forrest Whitticker is opposite him, doing what he does best - the creepy yet innocent deranged...
And then, there's Clifton Collins Jr.  Better known as "Romeo" in the Boondock Saints sequel - doing what he does best...
And last, but not least, the ever adorable, traffic stopping Travis Fimmel, as a sadistic, khole eyed bastard.  Remind me star, to recast him, asap.

Its a brutal movie, but in the realm of "what happens when" I saw it as very plausible and realistic.  And Could even be used to illustrate the entirety of the American Phenomenon in Microcosm.

Ill watch it again before I return it, but I think I may also be adding it to my collection.
And not just because Brody is shirtless through most of it... and Clifton... and Fimmel....
uh, yeah

Honestly - its actually a good movie...

It dawned on me the other day...

that men really dont like thier women in thier "natural state".

Watching Deadwood made me realize that back in the 1800's - women were drugged on opiates - and the wealthier they were, the more they were kept drugged - under control - by dr's and so many others.  The equivalent then, of anti-depressants today.  Before then, it was corseting, chastity belts, and "vapors".  In Roman times, wealthy women were encouraged to eat lotus flowers.

this isnt something Im going to get into in depth, nor is it something I plan to spend a great deal of time researching.. but I do have to wonder if there was ever a time in history, when women were simply allowed to be themselves, and not held to a paragon of behaviour that is impossible for us to maintain without the assistance of chemical and hormonal control.

How ugly is the path of history?

Another quick morning - thing....

Scripture, particularly the old Testament, gets a bad rap - a lot.  Out dated moral codes of behavior and guidelines for diet and behaviors that to us today, just seem - downright bizarre.
Special rights groups love to grab on to these, to make  points just to make scripture seem ridiculous, and a lot of the time, they manage very well.

My complaint?  They miss the overwhelming point of *why* the rules were given.
Even in the New Testament - they fail to see - the larger picture.

Maybe because its so - simple - that we honestly believe that - it cant be done.

All God wanted, was for *his* people, to be easily distinguishable, from those around them.  He wanted their behaviors, *their* "cultural norm"  - their eating habits, their clothes... the very way they thought - to be so different from the world around them, that they *didn't*fit* in*.

He wanted them set apart. - To continually remember that this earth, *wasnt* home.  He doesnt want us satisfied with what we see around us.  Oh, he wants us "happy" - His goal is not to make our lives miserable, but mostly - thats left up to us, and our own personal views.  But satisfied? - Never.  He wants us continually reminded that everything at *home* is better. 

Ephesians 4

Living as Children of Light

 ¹⁷ With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. ¹⁸ Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. ¹⁹ They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity. ²⁰ But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. ²¹ Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, ²² throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. ²³ Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. ²⁴ Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.
 ²⁵ So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. ²⁶ And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”^[d] Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
 ²⁸ If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. ²⁹ Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
 ³⁰ And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own,^[e] guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
 ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. ³² Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

 These days - this alone, may be enough.

Heavy Morning Thoughts...

(or why I dont sleep well)

OK, this morning we are going back to Genesis.  Genesis 3.
Oh, dont roll your eyes at me, you all knew Id end up here eventually.

V. 5&6, are my first issue.  and as usual, my issues are ones that have been widely ignored.
In verse 5, the serpent says "youll know good and evil" - But this is pre-fall...  so *why* in verse 6, then, does Eve *want* "wisdom".
Most theologians dont deal with motive, really.  They respond with a very post fall attitude.  Of *course* she wanted to be wise.  She had free will, (Ill get back to this) and wisdom is always desirable... and obviously, she didnt *really* understand the command that God gave - because she mis-quotes Him, badly.  SO she eats.
Its a very simplistic explanation.

It allows us to shift the blame for the fall to Adam, if we want, who obviously didnt do a good job of explaining the situation to his wife... oh hold up... theres that post fall attitude again... who says it was Adam who told her?

Lets *define* evil, first of all.

From Wikipedia - Evil is intentionally causing harm or destruction, or deliberately violating some moral code. The philosophical question of whether morality is absolute or relative leads to questions about the nature of evil. Evil is usually seen as the opposite of good.

But this isnt the biblical view of Evil at all.  Its what *we've* decided that evil *should* be, in order to make ourselves feel better.  God tells us that evil, is whenever we seek something for ourselves, without any thought to Him, or anybody else. Evil, is taking the last cookie in the jar, without offering it to someone else first.  Evil, is the very idea of "I want"

This is probably why, btw, Ive embraced Taoism/Buddism.  If there was *ever* a non-evil, in the biblical sense, way of life, its *Zen*.

SO what did the Serpent *really* offer her?
Something *just* for her.

It probably wasnt even something she had ever thought of before.  But being who and what she was, and having free-will - unclouded by all concepts of culture that we have today.  Un manipulated by centuries of guilt and dogma...  She tried.

And in that moment, she learned the wondrous thrill  of *selfishness*.

Now she goes to Adam.  Shes probably feeling a bit smug.  Like any woman does when shes "discovered" something *soooooo* good.  And if shes a normal woman, she doesnt tell him what it is.  And he trusts her.

Up untill that point, they've been equals.  He doesnt see her as something he owns, but as a pure extension of himself.  He *does* treat her, exactly as he would treat himself.  And since He would take anything *he* took. (wow, is that bad grammar) He takes from her.

 v.16(b)  Yet your desire will be for your husband,
         And ^(R)he will rule over you."

He didnt tell the man that he would rule over her.  He told *her*.  He *hardwired* it into *her* mind, not his.  And this has caused more duality of thought then any other troubling concept since the dawn of time.

You see, as Ive pointed out before - our "souls" - long for heaven.  The perfection - and since we dont have the tools to fill that desperate need here on earth, we try *anything*, and *everything* to fill it.  Most of us are not capable of just sitting back and waiting.  Of course, if we are truely honest with ourselves, most of us dont know... not really... and certainly dont understand that the longing *cant* be filled here.  And more to the point - we dont want to hear that.
But because of this, we as women *know* how we should be treated.  And we *want* it.  We want the equality, the fairness.
Problem is, we are incapable of it.
Because we *want* him to rule over us.

And this, dear people, is why we flirt, and demand the right to dress provocatively, and "look our best"  This is why "looking our best" has slowly morphed into "looking like teenage jail bait dressed as a prostitot"  - Because its the lowest, most debased form of *lust*.
Oh yes, some of us rebel.  We dress like men, or - in shapeless, unattractive garments, demanding respect.  But its not in our nature.  its something we have aquired by again, a selfish nature demanding things that we ourselves cannot allow *him* - the faceless entity of male animal to give.

In the garden, it probably worked perfectly.  He made *her* attractive - and made *him* visually stimulated.  He sees her, he gets aroused, so he does whatever it takes to get her into bed.  Shes pleased as punch because it brings them together.  The affection and arousal that he planned for us to have.  Uncomplicated by selfishness, ego, or ulterior motives.

If God has just stopped there... it might have still worked out.  She wants him, he wants her... not too bad.  But God knew how he programed us... and so, we have vs. 17 - 19.
¹⁷Then to Adam He said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, 'You shall not eat from it';
         ^(S)Cursed is the ground because of you;
         ^(T)In toil you will eat of it
         All the days of your life.
    ¹⁸"Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you;
         And you will eat the plants of the field;
    ¹⁹By the sweat of your face
         You will eat bread,
         Till you ^(U)return to the ground,
         Because ^(V)from it you were taken;
         For you are dust,
         And to dust you shall return."

His interest *isnt* ruling over her.  *His* interest is ruling over his *work*.
He's still visually stimulated.  Hes now selfish as hell - literally.
And all he wants is "his piece of the pie"

And this my friends, is an absolute recipe for disaster.  Because now she wants him, but he just wants *more*.  And its *hardwired* into him.  This isnt something he has a choice about, people.  And I think its probably why in someways, there are so many attacks on the eastern cultures... It may even be why later, in the times of Noah, God made *sure* that those beliefs would be strongly maligned.  Or at the very least, depending on where you sit on the idea of free-will post curse, allowed it to happen the way it did.

Because lets be honest - "Zen" isnt going to bring about the end of the world.
Then again - it only takes one man with a sword, who wants *more* - to destroy peace.  And the sons of Japeth, unfortunately, bred like rabbits.  Those selfish, greedy bastards *(yes, insert all the sarcasm, or humor, you want into that statement, please)*

SO the next time you blame someone for being "entitled" or "misogynistic" or even just strongly biased, remember - *hardwired*.  We honestly *cant*help*it*.  And the moment you put that label on them, also remember - the only reason why you get angry at *them* isnt just because they are wrong, dear reader, but because you feel that they are getting in *your* way, too.  Of what *you* want.  Because I too, am hardwired, to want what I want.  And in moments when I am at my best, Ill let it slide, realizing that sometime in the future, it wont matter - and not only will it not matter, but I *will* be fully satisfied, and having them bend to my will wont change that now.
In moments when Im not at my best - well..
I am, after all - just a bag of flesh.  So forgive me, and move on.  If you feel like it *wg*.
 _____________________________________________________________________________

after posting this, I found this - and I laughed, a bit too much.....


The world had a beginning
which we call the Great Mother.
Once we have found the Mother,
we begin to know what Her children should be.

When we know we are the Mother's child,
we begin to guard the qualities of the Mother in us.
She will protect us from all danger
even if we lose our life.

Keep your mouth closed
and embrace a simple life,
and you will live care-free until the end of your days.
If you try to talk your way into a better life
there will be no end to your trouble.

To understand the small is called clarity.
Knowing how to yield is called strength.
To use your inner light for understanding
regardless of the danger
is called depending on the Constant.

Politely put....are you trying to kill me?

In my effort to shed those unsightly pounds I spoke of last time I was venting, I took advantage of my place in Spa Lady system, and took an appointment with a personal trainer.
This is not an old fashioned Spa Lady PT.  SInce we have been bought out by World Health, we now have PT's of a much more serious and scary nature.  Women who could only best be described as "scarier then me".  These are not "pretty little gym bunnies" These are serious professional athletes who have turned a sado-masochistic lifestyle into serious profit.

So for those of you who read this... this is not a workout that any of you would ever, or *should* ever, probably follow.  This is a workout tailored to me.  And its not for beginners, or the inexperienced with any kind of weights.  Its not quite as hardcore though, as the one my boss does, either.  But, shes not bearing the label of "just returning" either.

We very quickly located my weakest areas.  Which, oddly enough, are my thighs.  Usualy the strongest muscle group, and definitely the largest muscle group on a person, the thighs and ass - allright *my* thighs and ass are actually quite weak, from years of sitting.  This, coupled with the rather ironical fact that I *havent* put on a lot of weight, means that muscles there have rather atrophied, and need - extensive work.  So I have been given the plan that follows.  It *is* a full body workout - but does strongly focus on thighs and butt.

1) cable weights.  attach a double ended rope to pully system.  stand in close, and pull down to hip level from about face lvl.  at the bottom, twist wrist, deeping the pull.  works deltiod muscles more deeply.  Pully appx 50 pounds.  15 - 20 reps.
2) cable weights. attach an ankle strap to a low sitting, 20 pound weight.  Pull out, across the body.  Turn, so you pull in, across the body.  Turn to face machine, so you pull back, keeping your legs straight, careful not to lean in any particular direction. 15-20 reps, per side, per direction.
3) cable weights.  Keeping the low sitting position, sit on ground, feet braced on the machine, legs straight.  Change from ankle strap, to small, comfortable grip.  Sit up straight. Pull in to stomach, squeezing shoulderblades together as hard as possible. (seated row).  Weight is about 50 pounds. 15-20 reps.
4) lunges.  these are called three point lunges.  you do one forward, one to the side (although its really a front diagonal) and one to the back.  again, its 15-20 reps, per side, per point.
5) squats.  Done on the bosu ball - kinda.  you need the soft side up.  so its soft, squishy and rounded.  you put one leg up onto the ball, squat, and then"walk" across the surface of the ball - sideways, so your opposite leg is now up on the ball.  I found a quick hop across a bit easier, without sustained contact with it, but - on bad balance days, walking is just as hard, because then you actually have to balance *on* the soft, rounded surface of the ball.  15-20 reps, per side.
6) Arm curls. Done on that soft, squishy side of the bosu ball.  So yes, you have to balance there, with a ten pound weight in each hand.  Its just a simple, full curl, but when on such an unstable surface, it is much more difficult.  15-20 reps.
7) Kneeling crunches.  This is a new one to me.  You kneel on the ground, with the long two ended rope end attached to the cable weights.  You settle those ends down on your shoulders, and then, straight backed, you crunch in your abs, bending you at the hips.  50 pounds, 20 reps.
8) 3 point sit ups. laying flat on the ground, legs stretched out, and arms over head with a 5 pound medicine ball you move up to sitting in one motion, arms staying overhead with medicine ball. turn to the left, bounce the ball, turn to the right, bounce the ball, lay back down, bringing the ball back overhead. 20 reps.
9) full reverse crunches.  laying flat on ground, bring legs up straight, then lower.20 reps.
10) scissor - laying flat on ground, lift legs about a foot off of ground, legs go out wide, then come in and cross. 20 reps
11) hello dolly - laying flat on ground, lift one leg up and the opposite arm overhead, then switch, not letting the falling leg to touch the ground.  20 reps.
12) superman - lay flat on the ground on your stomach. lift legs, chest, and out-stretch arms.  Hold for a slow 5 count. 10 reps.

All of this sound do-able?  What happens if you have to later rinse repeat - 3 times? the whole thing?
Still sound plausible?
What if I add in cardio bursts?
1 minute between each exercise. These can be most anything I want, but some examples are the ever popular jumping jacks, running in spot, hopping through a ladder on the ground, or my new favorite... putting hands on either side of a bench, going into lunge formation at the end, and then switching legs with a jump.  Your weight is mostly on your arms, and your legs go as fast as you can.  Much fun.

In the effort not to kill myself, Ive decided Im going to break this down into three separate routines. (Hence my ulterior motive for writing it all down) But the effect is the same.
Pain... lots of pain.
cant wait *wg*

Just real quick - .

¹⁶ There are six things the LORD hates,
       seven that are detestable to him:
 ¹⁷ haughty eyes,
       a lying tongue,
       hands that shed innocent blood,
 ¹⁸ a heart that devises wicked schemes,
       feet that are quick to rush into evil,
 ¹⁹ a false witness who pours out lies
       and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

No where in there - does it mention - race, sexuality, or social status.
But - pride? - check.
lying - uhhuh
murderers - oh yes.
schemers - interesting, isnt it?
false witnesses - so much worse then just out right lying - but putting the wrong in the hands of the innocent.
condemning the wrong people.......
and people who try to tear apart relationships - familiel, or personal, Im thinking.

this is what the Lord *hates*.

I find more - christian inspiration -

in Buddism, and Taoism, then a do in most Christian devotionals.
for example -

If views of delusion and awakening are done away with and interpretations of turning toward and turning away are cut off, then this mind is as lucid and clear as the bright sun and this nature is vast and open as empty space; right where the person stands, he emits light and moves the earth, shining throughout the ten directions. Those who see this light fully realize the absolute truth that all things are unborn. When you arrive at such a time, naturally you are in tacit accord with this mind and this nature.

- Ta-hui

Its the first line, thats really captured my attention, tonight. "views of delusion".  All the presuppositions and expectations that we carry with us every day, really are - rather - hilarious.  We fully expect the people we live with, the people we interact with, to treat us how we want to be treated, no matter what kind of day they may be having, or how we treat them.  We dont attmept to be at peace, with anybody.
We live in delusion to protect ourselves, I suppose.  The naked truth is far too ugly.
But shed them, and there is - a kind of a peace, in recognizing, that no one except the Infinite, really gives a *fuck* about your problems.  And only the infinite can help you with them.

People like to think that they care.  But its all just about thier own delusions, racking up the brownie points so youll listen to *them*.  Saving face so they wont seem so desperate.

And then theres the people who dont even bother.  They just pour out for hours, alllllll the things they feel entitled to burden others with.  They never ask about the person they are sitting down with.  They just - spill.  And honestly, even right now, what Im doing, right here, is the *same*damn* thing.

Anybody who blogs, or twitters, or - posts thier "what are youd oing right now" is guilty of it.

We pour out all this - stuff.... wether people want to read it or not.  And we *expect* people to read it
 We get angry when they dont, when they dont seem to care about our lives, as much as they do.

LM Montgomery once wrote that in the most perfect state of friendship, two people - two women, even, could sit alone in absolute companionable silence, and have a wonderful time.  Not because there was nothing to say, but because there was no *need* to say it.

*that* is - perfection, really.
that is my  "sound between the silences"
the moment you reach together, and touch the profound reality of - the real.
the less I blog, the more at peace I am.  I only write when Im upset, and feeling - yes, Ill use the word - when Im feeling "entitled" to pour out the frustration and anger that I have.   Dumping it all around me like some kind of toxic waste.

I think thats the heart - of "entitlement" - the reality of it.
toxic waste.

I woke up with a migraine today, and ended up laying on the couch.
My daughter, put a blanket over me, tucked in my feet, then crawled up in front of me, her head on my arm.
My son, crawled up at my feet, and rested his head on my hip.
We must of laid like that for about an hour.

I have a good home, and a hard working, loving husband.
I have - two beautiful, intelligent, loving children.
I have a job, that is tailored to my needs, perfectly.
Im still attractive enough to hold a mans unmitigated attention.  Even a much younger man.

And I laid there, in pain, and laughed.
I have contemplated suicide, all my life.  Always when things were terrible.
Today was the first time, ever, that I realized how stupid it would be, to die in failure and defeat, when if I died today, I would die happy, and content, and satisfied.

Lucky for the rest of you, suffering through this post, I want to see what comes around the corner I start to take tomorrow.
The road goes ever on.

Argh

So I stepped on the scale this morning.  Ive been putting it off, because I *know* Ive put on more weight.
I didnt, however, expect to be up 20 pounds.
Thats right folks, as of this morning, I am 199.8.

Still only a size 14-16, but...

needless to say, Im going to the gym today.
I cant... I *wont* let the phrase "fat lazy whore" dictate my future.

Look - I know *most* of the people who read this blog are over that - but for one moment, step out of yourselves - and remember - that for *me* - this is a problem.  I dont think anybody else is well - what my mother said about my mother...(and if you get that, then you do know me, and know..well - yeah...)

But this is where I am.  And I feel -  Its odd - Im so disappointed in myself, there really arent any words.  Part of me just wants to hole up and never set foot outside again.
The other half of me wants to get my ass to the gym and just - live there.  Not to work, but just to - shrink.

I *know* Im capable - and yes, I recognize that I should cut myself some slack, too - I know - Its not like these last few years have been easy.  In fact, theyve really just been one massive transition of stress to another.
It can take years, just to get over a move.  And I think Ive finally adjusted to that.  And the babies...
but the mental handicaps?  The vehicle changes? The job flux?  Claytons work?
Compounded by the lack of friends? (Lisa, if you read this, you have *no* idea how much a treasure and value you - Star - you dont count *laughs* - your presence, unfortunately, is seriously taken for granted, and yes, as dependent on as someone is that you can take for granted, if you understand that - of course you do... you're *you*)
And yes, I know that 20 pounds, in light of recent things, - probably isnt even th at bad...
But Im me.
And I know that 5 years ago, I was a size 8 - almost down to 150...
And thats where I want to be
As soon as fucking possible.

Because you know what I *dont* need? On top of all the stress of kids starting school, me starting back at work, Tigger fighting to keep his own identity, and feeling enough pressure to play a fucking *game* that Im ready to quit altogether?
I dont need to feel like everybody is staring at me, thinking "She would be so attractive "if" - or "What happened to her" or "Shes let herself go so badly - I wonder why he stays with her"

Dont tell me people dont think it - I know they do.
this is my current "depression" - boxed and packaged.

yeah - prayers are appreciated, but not necessary.
and someday, Ill get into that rant.

Been a long time

but I guess its time for some picspam.

First of all, a story.

My husband was taking out the trash one evening, and watched a curious event.  He watched as a car squeeled to a stop to aviod hitting something, the driver got out, picked up something from the road, threw it onto our front lawn, got up and left.

C went over to see what it was, already fairly sure that it was a dead cat, or bird.  Something the driver had hit, then threw out of the way.  To his absolute shock and amazement, he found a *very* fast moving turtle.  SO fast moving in fact, that he had trouble catching it.

He brought it inside, and a few hours of fun began.  First of all, we had to find a place to put it.  Eventually, we figured the sand box out back, and set it down in there, where it began to do laps around the perimeter, and repeatedly end up on its back from consistent escape attempts.

After a bit of research, we found a number to call, and got animal services to come out to collect it.  And I continued to do research as to what *kind* Of turtle it was.

Many photos were to follow, and a few pranks given, but over all, I think the turtle was fairly happy about its relocation and temperory home, and I continued to research.

Animal Control was there within a few hours, and they had to admit, it was probably the first time they had been called to pick up a stray *turtle*.

After a little while, I came to the conclusion that it had been a red eared slider.  A particular brand of turtle that is quite common on the west coast, and not "precisely" legal to own, not being native to Canada at all.  They grow to be rather large, and live to a very old age.

So imagine my surprise when Animal Control called me and said they had found it was an entirely different species of turtle... one that *is* common to our region, and - oddly, looks very little like the turtle we rescued.
But - will be far easier to convince to adopt. 

Once again, I am convinced, - that people are idiots.











In other news, little sister went to Disneyland, and picked up Mickey ears for the kids, and we've almost finished our back to school shopping.

I also bought the Halloween costumes, - so watch for the future escapeds of the Romeo Vampire and the Strawberry Fairy. *grins*

Narcissics, Sociopaths, and Thieves......

Or Why the Church is the Most Dangerous Place on Earth

Lets talk about Bible College. 

1) The people who decide to go, can easily be split into groups.
     a) People who are forced by parental figures.  These usually take one year party programs, and if it wasnt that they are usually being trained to go to another country for half the year, would seriously never see the end of their programs.  They dont want to be there, so they have to make the programs as fun as possible, and in the mean time, try to get these people to see how "blessed" they really are - in other words "Behave, or youll end up like the people we are helping"
     b)  People who believe they are called by God.  You could argue that this is the most dangerous group, but I dont think so.  Most of these people might even *honestly* have a relationship with God.  They usually want to help people, and whether self-deluded or not, they work hard, and are sincere.  The problem here is that they (ok, us, I would put myself in this group) usually have some sort of agenda they honestly beleive is Gods, and push it - hard.  Unfortunately, this can be easily coloured by personal experience and values, and we have a habit of becoming fanatical.
     c)  People who have been *told* they have a calling - and believed it.  These people are *dangerous*.  They are power mongers, slightly psychotic, and usually excellent manipulators.  In the church, it can be hard to tell them apart from the first group, because these people are pros.  Unfortunately, they will be the ones who usually go on to become your Pastors.  They play the politics game far better then us earnest souls who just want to help.

So this is who you train to be your leaders - Party people, the self deluded, and the sociopaths.

2) Now, lets talk about the people who usually are *attracted* to church....
    a) Addicts.  These people probably make up the largest population.  They need something in control of thier lives, so God appeals to them.  As long as that God "wants them to be happy" they can then moralize any action they want.
    b)  People who like the manipulators... or are like them.  The people who want the "happy shiny people" to be them.  AS long as everything looks good, they are happy.  These people are to some degree, stuck in the 50's.  They want that "Perfect American Dream" and believe God can get them there.  They seem to forget that during the 50's while they lived in thier little bubbles of white supremacy, there was segregation, mental asylums to hide your unwanteds in, and rampaging alcohol and drug abuse throughout the female populations.
    c) People honestly seeking answers.  Unfortunately, these people never stay long in a "church" setting.  They are too self-aware.  They see the hypocrisy and they see the abuse and they flee.  And if they dont, they become the church scapegoat, the constant volunteer, and might well get kicked out of a congregation for being honest.
    d)  Gold diggers.  People who honestly believe that a ragged, homeless Galilean who held a faith that told us that wealth wasn't to be found on this earth, will make them rich.  In other words - the self-deluded and stupid.

Now, let me take this opportunity to tell you a bit about what church - should be?
A gathering of honest believers.
In any house. (this includes internet chat rooms, trust me)
SHaring, talking, singing - if the spirit moves them (and it might - Ive been caught up in that more then once unexpectedly)
Giving glory to their God, verbally, and in their hearts.
Thankful for the breath they share, the food they eat, and the small blessings and the everyday miracles - the divine ambushes, that let us know on a day to day basis, that there is a God who loves us.
there doesnt need to be a leader.  If its real, God will give wisdom as He sees fit, to whomever needs it.  (by the way, *real* "pastors" rise to the top in those situations - men and women so given to scripture and study and the Word, that they know a golden apple in a setting of silver when they see it)

People who are will hug, and cry, and sing, and laugh with you.  Not manipulate your emotions with carefully timed acting.
Yes, acting.

From a surviving believer - after bible college (Its where you go to lose your faith, trust me)
If you get through all 4 years, to emerge on the other side, you have a degree in manipulation, and how to professionally present yourself to *anybody*.  You are a consummate actor, able to talk and fit in with anybody.  The only theology you learn, is laced with lessons of how to indoctrinate and brain wash the addicts, and the weak minded.  this is why the drop out rate in Bible College is so extreme.  the ones who survive are not the ones who honestly want to help - its the ones who honestly believe they are better then anybody else, who want a little kingdom of their own, and watch it grow.

Looking back, I can see which of my Professors understood this, and which were converts themselves.  The ones who were warning us, and the ones who wanted to be "King of Kings" for themselves.  The ones who honestly were "survivors" of the church, compared to the professional, ragged actors, who were holding on to thier ambitions in a place where the line "those who cant do - teach" is a truism like no other.

You know why I like Boondock Saints, so much?
Because it alludes so strongly to the fact that these are modern boys, who understand what it takes, to be willing to die for thier faith.
They drink, smoke, get stoned, swear - and yes, they kill.
But they have *unshakable* faith in a God who accepts nothing less then thier whole beings.
They get it.
And so do I.

I will never go back to church.  Not the way it is now.
I know to much.

Because I am a Lemming

ABCs of me

A - Accent: a bit english.

B - Bra Size - *almost* a 36C - were working on it.


C - Chore I hate : Vacuuming.

D - Dad's name: umm take your pick - Ian, Scott, Clayton....

E - Essential make up - eyeliner and mascara

F - Favorite perfume: Chanel #5

G - Gold or Silver: Gold, allergic to silver

H - Hometown: Terrace, BC

I - Insomnia: semi-regularly

J - Job Title: Home Dictator

K - Kids: Eva and Jade

L - Living arrangments: Condo, kids, hubby and cat.

M - Mums birthplace: I *think* it was Kitimat BC, but it may have been Vancouver.

N - Number of apples eaten: Thousands, easily.

O - Overnight Hospital Stays: Illness when I was a kid, three days, two days with son, three with daughter.

P - Phobia: Spiders.

Q - Quest: Wisdom, but Ill take Sainthood

R - Religious affiliation: Messianic Jewish, but Ill take "Bible Based Christian" if thats too confusing

S - Siblings - umm.. Lori, (Half) Jan (its complicated), Casey (whether she likes it or not), Apryl (I miss her)

T - Time I wake up - Usually 6AM, then I go back to sleep untill 8, if I dont go anywhere.

U - Unnatural Hair colors you've worn - Fuchsia, Orange Crush orange, white blonde.

V - Vegetable I refuse to eat - Eggplant

W - Worst habit - late night snacking

X - X-Rays Ive had - head, back and stomach

Y - Yummy foods I make - Chocolate chip cookie squares, rum balls and slumgullion

Z - Zany Quirk - I prefer to stand then to sit - period.