Micah 6 -
7 Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
And yet, there are churches now refusing to feed the homeless, because some of them may be gay.
Isa 40
25"(A)To whom then will you liken Me
That I would be his equal?" says the Holy One.
26(B)Lift up your eyes on high
And see (C)who has created these stars,
The (D)One who leads forth their host by number,
He calls them all by name;
Because of the (E)greatness of His might and the strength of His power,
(F)Not one of them is missing.
27(G)Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
"My way is (H)hidden from the LORD,
And the (I)justice due me escapes the notice of (J)my God"?
Its said that there are ten stars, for every grain of sand.
There is more "sand" on this planet, then there is water.
If God cares enough to call out every single star. If he has numbered the sand, and the hairs on our heads...
These are our holy-days... Do something today, that reminds you that God is watching - whomever you serve.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
I love the concept of time
The ebb and the flow of it, not to mention the breakdown.
There are so many ways to look at it.
In looking at the new year, I realize that there are 52 weeks. this means, that roughly, there are 50 easily started and marked off chances to gain/lose a habit - if you follow that you could attempt one every week, and they take 21 days to ingrain.
Technically, you could do one every day, but its far easier to tackle three things, then 30.
My first goal, is to start to get up at 5AM each day. There are multiple reasons for me to choose that hour.
First of all, its the earliest hour any "sane" (That being a relative term) person would get up at. 4Am just sounds - like you couldnt have gotten enough sleep. Anything between 5-9 really, is, in my mind, good. After 9, you run the risk of either people thinking you stayed up *way* too late, or you're just freaking lazy.
My internal clock seems to be set to 5 though, always has. Even in high school, I could easily get up at 5.
Also, this coincides with bedtimes. 9, as far as Im concerned, is the most reasonable hour to go to bed at. You could push to to 10, even 11, and still get enough sleep, getting up at 5. 8 doesnt sound to extreme, if you arent feeling well. But after 11, for most adults, anyways, Its getting *late*. And again, before 8 - Either you are on deaths door, or ...
Well, to be honest, I understand, that there are - occasions. Depression and mental illness, for example, bork any attempt to control your hours. For example - I wake up every morning at about 330 AM.
This obviously puts a dent into my attempts to get up at 5. And it doesnt matter when Ive gone to bed. Im up at 330.
Over the last year, Ive come to call it my journalling hour.
Interesting to note, this doesnt occur when I dont have alcohol in the evenings. So this of course, becomes habit 3. Or rather, the breaking of the habit. Or maybe substitution will be a better phrase. Non-caffinated tea, in the evenings, like I used to have, instead of R&C, may serve me, and my waistline, much better.
So this is my January. 3 healthy, hard to conquer habits.
I have a list, theres over 30 things on it, of little habits and such that I want to adopt over the course of 2010. These are the three most basic changes I can make in my life, to make myself happier.
Why will I be happier? thats a good question. Why not stay up whenever I want, why not sleep in every morning, if I can, since the kids let me sleep easily till 9 - if I want to?
Well, the human body needs, craves, wants regular sleep hours. Thats the first one, and its huge. If you want to try to conquer depression, this really is the most basic step to a healthier soul. Everything in your chemistry is tied to the light, and your waking hours. And 8-ish good hours of sleep, at the right time, cannot be substituted by anything.
Discipline, is another reason. The human *mind* and soul crave this. Routine. Its a niche where we will be comfortable.
If I am up at 5, I can do housework, and yoga, and even get breakfast ready, before my kids even get up. This gives me uninterrupted time. This gives me peace and quiet. This gives me a good start, to be in a good mood for the day.
It gives me more time for the kids.
There is no bad here.
So.
Looking at all of this, I think that the one that I will actually have to start with, is the Tea. I know theres still a few weeks, untill January starts, but... really, who the hell cares? January 1st is not a magic number. Im going to get out my kettle, and clean it today.
I might even shine my sink.
But right now, its 4 AM. Ive played WoW, and this would be my journal entry, I suppose. Alot of my writing at this hour goes into my actual written journal though. Thoughts and feelings I dont feel comfortable with people reading. Maybe after I die, someone will go throught all that crap and wonder why I even bothered. they will learn how hard life really was for me, and just - toss it all away.
How bad is it that my top two muses at the moment are a senile 100 year old man, and a teenage psychopath?
There are so many ways to look at it.
In looking at the new year, I realize that there are 52 weeks. this means, that roughly, there are 50 easily started and marked off chances to gain/lose a habit - if you follow that you could attempt one every week, and they take 21 days to ingrain.
Technically, you could do one every day, but its far easier to tackle three things, then 30.
My first goal, is to start to get up at 5AM each day. There are multiple reasons for me to choose that hour.
First of all, its the earliest hour any "sane" (That being a relative term) person would get up at. 4Am just sounds - like you couldnt have gotten enough sleep. Anything between 5-9 really, is, in my mind, good. After 9, you run the risk of either people thinking you stayed up *way* too late, or you're just freaking lazy.
My internal clock seems to be set to 5 though, always has. Even in high school, I could easily get up at 5.
Also, this coincides with bedtimes. 9, as far as Im concerned, is the most reasonable hour to go to bed at. You could push to to 10, even 11, and still get enough sleep, getting up at 5. 8 doesnt sound to extreme, if you arent feeling well. But after 11, for most adults, anyways, Its getting *late*. And again, before 8 - Either you are on deaths door, or ...
Well, to be honest, I understand, that there are - occasions. Depression and mental illness, for example, bork any attempt to control your hours. For example - I wake up every morning at about 330 AM.
This obviously puts a dent into my attempts to get up at 5. And it doesnt matter when Ive gone to bed. Im up at 330.
Over the last year, Ive come to call it my journalling hour.
Interesting to note, this doesnt occur when I dont have alcohol in the evenings. So this of course, becomes habit 3. Or rather, the breaking of the habit. Or maybe substitution will be a better phrase. Non-caffinated tea, in the evenings, like I used to have, instead of R&C, may serve me, and my waistline, much better.
So this is my January. 3 healthy, hard to conquer habits.
I have a list, theres over 30 things on it, of little habits and such that I want to adopt over the course of 2010. These are the three most basic changes I can make in my life, to make myself happier.
Why will I be happier? thats a good question. Why not stay up whenever I want, why not sleep in every morning, if I can, since the kids let me sleep easily till 9 - if I want to?
Well, the human body needs, craves, wants regular sleep hours. Thats the first one, and its huge. If you want to try to conquer depression, this really is the most basic step to a healthier soul. Everything in your chemistry is tied to the light, and your waking hours. And 8-ish good hours of sleep, at the right time, cannot be substituted by anything.
Discipline, is another reason. The human *mind* and soul crave this. Routine. Its a niche where we will be comfortable.
If I am up at 5, I can do housework, and yoga, and even get breakfast ready, before my kids even get up. This gives me uninterrupted time. This gives me peace and quiet. This gives me a good start, to be in a good mood for the day.
It gives me more time for the kids.
There is no bad here.
So.
Looking at all of this, I think that the one that I will actually have to start with, is the Tea. I know theres still a few weeks, untill January starts, but... really, who the hell cares? January 1st is not a magic number. Im going to get out my kettle, and clean it today.
I might even shine my sink.
But right now, its 4 AM. Ive played WoW, and this would be my journal entry, I suppose. Alot of my writing at this hour goes into my actual written journal though. Thoughts and feelings I dont feel comfortable with people reading. Maybe after I die, someone will go throught all that crap and wonder why I even bothered. they will learn how hard life really was for me, and just - toss it all away.
How bad is it that my top two muses at the moment are a senile 100 year old man, and a teenage psychopath?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Top Ten Lists.
Romeo Top Ten Lists for 2009?
Top Ten Movies (obviously, where else would we start?)
1) Death Race
2) Australia
3) Ironman
4) Memiors of a Geisha
5) Take the LEad
6) Step Up
7) Superman Returns
9) X-Men Origins - Wolverine
10) PoTC - all three.
Top Ten TV Series
1) Deadwood
2) Supernatural
3) Greys Anatomy
4) Lost
5) Frasier
6) Bones
7) Numbers
8) CSI
9) Angel
10) Firefly
Top Ten Songs
1) ALisha Keys/Jack White - Another Way to DIe (304)
2) Peter Gabriel - Down to Earth (298)
3) Rob Zombie - Dragula (255)
4) The Devlins - World Outside (236)
5) Bryn Christopher - The Quest (227)
6) KT Turnstall - Black Horse and Cherry Tree (219)
7) Adam Lambert - Feeling Good (208)
8) Serena Ryder - Doesn't Matter Anymore (207)
9) Filter - Hey man, Nice Shot (202)
10) Adam Lambert - Mad World (198)
Id like to do a top ten events, but my memory really isnt good enough for it.
I cant even really do top ten purchases.
I know I couldnt have gotten through this year, without my people - The Morrisons, the Trehearnes, the ROmeos, the Heiders. Weve dealt with horrible depression, fatal and non-fatal illnesses, hospitalizations, cars trying to die, the kids leaving infancy and gaining attitudes. My weight hasnt changed hardly an iota all year, and Ive once again watched more TV then I should have.
2010.... whatever you bring, Im not ready - but I know Ill survive.
This year, really could have been alot worse.
Top Ten Movies (obviously, where else would we start?)
1) Death Race
2) Australia
3) Ironman
4) Memiors of a Geisha
5) Take the LEad
6) Step Up
7) Superman Returns
9) X-Men Origins - Wolverine
10) PoTC - all three.
Top Ten TV Series
1) Deadwood
2) Supernatural
3) Greys Anatomy
4) Lost
5) Frasier
6) Bones
7) Numbers
8) CSI
9) Angel
10) Firefly
Top Ten Songs
1) ALisha Keys/Jack White - Another Way to DIe (304)
2) Peter Gabriel - Down to Earth (298)
3) Rob Zombie - Dragula (255)
4) The Devlins - World Outside (236)
5) Bryn Christopher - The Quest (227)
6) KT Turnstall - Black Horse and Cherry Tree (219)
7) Adam Lambert - Feeling Good (208)
8) Serena Ryder - Doesn't Matter Anymore (207)
9) Filter - Hey man, Nice Shot (202)
10) Adam Lambert - Mad World (198)
Id like to do a top ten events, but my memory really isnt good enough for it.
I cant even really do top ten purchases.
I know I couldnt have gotten through this year, without my people - The Morrisons, the Trehearnes, the ROmeos, the Heiders. Weve dealt with horrible depression, fatal and non-fatal illnesses, hospitalizations, cars trying to die, the kids leaving infancy and gaining attitudes. My weight hasnt changed hardly an iota all year, and Ive once again watched more TV then I should have.
2010.... whatever you bring, Im not ready - but I know Ill survive.
This year, really could have been alot worse.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Woke up at 2AM
***~~~ Trigger warning - violence, mental ranting - consider yourself warned. ~~~***
The only thing keeping me from being who and what I want to be - is me, and my lack of discipline.
If I want to get up at 5AM every day, why dont I?
If I want to exercise, every day, why dont I?
If I want to cook/bake, every day, why dont I?
Because I am lazy and undisciplined.
Because I have put other things over this as priorities, due to mental illness and personal stupidity.
Im not reaching for the stars here - these are things I am *capable* of doing.
These are things I have done before.
Yes - Im trying to be perfect. No, I dont expect myself to succeed.
As long as there is a sense of humour, and my ever present "fatalistic optimism"... why shouldnt I try to be perfect?
I mean, *honestly* people? Weve so slandered the perfectionist in society today, that to even have an iota of self will puts you in a strange category with Martha Stewert and Stepford wives. Or worse, Miranda Preistly and the clacker brigade.
Im sorry if my desire to act, and do things, offends you. Im sorry if my constant grasping to be better, to be healthier, and to be more insults your own sense of being.
But this is who I am.
Yes, Im aware alot of this is *still* the whole "Daddy, please tell me Im good enough, mommy, please love me" horseshit.
Again though - if it motivates me to be a better person....
more peaceful, more relaxed, more satisfied, more of what *I* want to be...
how is this a bad thing?
See, I dont want to be the person they told me I should be. And maybe thats the real difference.
Im not doing what Dad would have wanted, or what mom would have wanted.
I know that Ill never get affirmation trying to be anything other than me.
So I want to be me, and I want affirmation on *that*.
This includes being obsessive compulsive about how I play computer games. This includes wanting to live a perfectly scheduled and organized life. This includes a desire to be healthy. This includes, most of the time, avoiding people for the most part (I just cannot handle the stupidity) and spending a great amount of time, stitching, baking, and reading the bible.
Yes, I should have been a nun. Or Amish.
I am aware of this.
Im coming to grips with the fact that I "chose poorly" with a few things.
Ive still got a pretty damn good life.
But its not the life I want to live.
But the life I *want* is not - dependent on the life I *have*... or rather, they arent mutually exclusive, or impossible to reconcile?
Believe it or not, they arent.
I think its important, that we try.
That we grab the happiness that *is* ours to grab, and throttle it till it bleeds.
(yes, I am still on my meds - but "healthy" enough that the violence is channeled in appropriate manners... if you dont like it, go sit on a bed of nails and just, yes.. let me see you roll over - face first.)
Think I need more yoga, less WoW at this point, you may be right *laughs*
But the things I imagine will always be a bit violent and sick. Im coming to grips with that too. Im thinking, that as long as its fictional, eternal, half demonic beings that shred the bodies of their loved ones and use them as Christmas garlands.... Im doing ok.
Since Im *not* an eternal, half demonic, fictional character, I will be content with hanging holly and tinsel. ((No, Dave, the glitter does *not* make the blood splatters festive...))
Maybe I should go back to bed?
yeah((2nd edit - if you can count how many movie refrences there are in this post, Ill send you a cookie!))
The only thing keeping me from being who and what I want to be - is me, and my lack of discipline.
If I want to get up at 5AM every day, why dont I?
If I want to exercise, every day, why dont I?
If I want to cook/bake, every day, why dont I?
Because I am lazy and undisciplined.
Because I have put other things over this as priorities, due to mental illness and personal stupidity.
Im not reaching for the stars here - these are things I am *capable* of doing.
These are things I have done before.
Yes - Im trying to be perfect. No, I dont expect myself to succeed.
As long as there is a sense of humour, and my ever present "fatalistic optimism"... why shouldnt I try to be perfect?
I mean, *honestly* people? Weve so slandered the perfectionist in society today, that to even have an iota of self will puts you in a strange category with Martha Stewert and Stepford wives. Or worse, Miranda Preistly and the clacker brigade.
Im sorry if my desire to act, and do things, offends you. Im sorry if my constant grasping to be better, to be healthier, and to be more insults your own sense of being.
But this is who I am.
Yes, Im aware alot of this is *still* the whole "Daddy, please tell me Im good enough, mommy, please love me" horseshit.
Again though - if it motivates me to be a better person....
more peaceful, more relaxed, more satisfied, more of what *I* want to be...
how is this a bad thing?
See, I dont want to be the person they told me I should be. And maybe thats the real difference.
Im not doing what Dad would have wanted, or what mom would have wanted.
I know that Ill never get affirmation trying to be anything other than me.
So I want to be me, and I want affirmation on *that*.
This includes being obsessive compulsive about how I play computer games. This includes wanting to live a perfectly scheduled and organized life. This includes a desire to be healthy. This includes, most of the time, avoiding people for the most part (I just cannot handle the stupidity) and spending a great amount of time, stitching, baking, and reading the bible.
Yes, I should have been a nun. Or Amish.
I am aware of this.
Im coming to grips with the fact that I "chose poorly" with a few things.
Ive still got a pretty damn good life.
But its not the life I want to live.
But the life I *want* is not - dependent on the life I *have*... or rather, they arent mutually exclusive, or impossible to reconcile?
Believe it or not, they arent.
I think its important, that we try.
That we grab the happiness that *is* ours to grab, and throttle it till it bleeds.
(yes, I am still on my meds - but "healthy" enough that the violence is channeled in appropriate manners... if you dont like it, go sit on a bed of nails and just, yes.. let me see you roll over - face first.)
Think I need more yoga, less WoW at this point, you may be right *laughs*
But the things I imagine will always be a bit violent and sick. Im coming to grips with that too. Im thinking, that as long as its fictional, eternal, half demonic beings that shred the bodies of their loved ones and use them as Christmas garlands.... Im doing ok.
Since Im *not* an eternal, half demonic, fictional character, I will be content with hanging holly and tinsel. ((No, Dave, the glitter does *not* make the blood splatters festive...))
Maybe I should go back to bed?
yeah((2nd edit - if you can count how many movie refrences there are in this post, Ill send you a cookie!))
Friday, November 6, 2009
Curiosity killed the cat.
Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity.
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions
or - ask me five questions yourself, in the comments.
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity.
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions
or - ask me five questions yourself, in the comments.
Friday, October 16, 2009
argh
ok, I know life sucks, ok. I know that there is never enough money, that your jobs suck, your lack of jobs suck, your family leeches the very soul from your beings and that your very bones ache.
I know the economy bites, I know that theres nothing good to watch, read, or eat.
I know everyone is out to get somebody.
So you know what? Shut the hell up.
Im tired of it, ok? Im tired of being the only person who doest agree.
Im sorry if I look out the window and see beauty, and not just slippery roads.
Im sorry if you see a huge car repair bill, and I see problems caught before they get worse.
Im sorry if you see pain in the ass cats, and I see companions for our kids.
Im sorry if you see pirates, and I see challenges to make you stronger.
Im sorry if you see everything bad, and sick and wrong in the world - but I *choose* to see things that are astounding, and amazing, and wonderful.
Its not easy, you know, and just once, Id like to see someone see something *good*.
say something good.
enjoy something.
Be thankful for what you have.
You - all of you - have *so* much!
You have homes, and food, and people who love you.
You have skills and gifts and chances to use them.
You have toys and games to entertain you, you have time to spare.
You can move and breathe and see.
Enjoy life. You can do it - *if* you want to.
And if you dont want to, if you want to be miserable, grumpy, whining complainers who grow old and bitter and angry?
Dont take it out on me.
Its your own god. damned. fault.
PS - remember, *im* the one whos supposed to be the manic depressive psycho, not you, and you, and you, and You!
I know the economy bites, I know that theres nothing good to watch, read, or eat.
I know everyone is out to get somebody.
So you know what? Shut the hell up.
Im tired of it, ok? Im tired of being the only person who doest agree.
Im sorry if I look out the window and see beauty, and not just slippery roads.
Im sorry if you see a huge car repair bill, and I see problems caught before they get worse.
Im sorry if you see pain in the ass cats, and I see companions for our kids.
Im sorry if you see pirates, and I see challenges to make you stronger.
Im sorry if you see everything bad, and sick and wrong in the world - but I *choose* to see things that are astounding, and amazing, and wonderful.
Its not easy, you know, and just once, Id like to see someone see something *good*.
say something good.
enjoy something.
Be thankful for what you have.
You - all of you - have *so* much!
You have homes, and food, and people who love you.
You have skills and gifts and chances to use them.
You have toys and games to entertain you, you have time to spare.
You can move and breathe and see.
Enjoy life. You can do it - *if* you want to.
And if you dont want to, if you want to be miserable, grumpy, whining complainers who grow old and bitter and angry?
Dont take it out on me.
Its your own god. damned. fault.
PS - remember, *im* the one whos supposed to be the manic depressive psycho, not you, and you, and you, and You!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Im not one -
for wish lists.
But this year, I think it may be necessary.
SO here we go.
Kids sizes - Eva is 4, Jade is 3.
Im buying them winter boots this week, so thats not needed. HOwever, all manner of other clothes are appreciated.
Veggietales, or other kids movies. Wanting to start in with Little Einsteins as well.
Books. Things like learning how old they are, learning numbers, letters, colours. Why they should go to the toilet. The basic stuff. Also - Dr. Zeuss. Cant go wrong there.
Toys. At this point, they honestly get more milage out of a box than they do anything else - but any educational toys are always appreciated.
Eva's colours are definitely pink, and purple. She likes the brights, the obnoxious. She looks best in Brown, cream, and "hot" colours.
Jade is all about blue and grey and other cool tones.
He looks best in "preppy" gear, or jock gear, she looks best when dressed like Mick Jagger. In the 70's.
Tigger.
Jobsite Workwear gift certificates. I cannot stress this enough.
Really, really good quality cookwear.
He *really* wants a meat slicer.
Mountian Equiptment Co-op, Northface, or even SPortcheck gift cards.
itunes cash.
if you can find it, Slash wrote an autobiography, hes looked at it a few times, but never picked it up.
Chocolate, is always good.
Me?
I really want a new coat. Sears. Black, 3/4 LEngth. Gift Cards would be good.
Since pregnency, I no longer fit into any of my wranglers, or my cowboy boots. So, Lammles. Or however you spell it.
Lu lu's - always. Also, SPort Check. New shoes.
Embroidery/crossstitch patterns. lovelovelove
Oh yes - and bedsheets. Dark, solid colours. Im *really* looking for warm tones. Exotic, warm, colours. yeah. Queen, deep pocket.
Eva has a full size twin now. If you feel like getting her something. It must go with apocolyptic pink.
yeah
so thats my begging list.
If you buy me chocolate, I will kill you.
Happy Holidays.
But this year, I think it may be necessary.
SO here we go.
Kids sizes - Eva is 4, Jade is 3.
Im buying them winter boots this week, so thats not needed. HOwever, all manner of other clothes are appreciated.
Veggietales, or other kids movies. Wanting to start in with Little Einsteins as well.
Books. Things like learning how old they are, learning numbers, letters, colours. Why they should go to the toilet. The basic stuff. Also - Dr. Zeuss. Cant go wrong there.
Toys. At this point, they honestly get more milage out of a box than they do anything else - but any educational toys are always appreciated.
Eva's colours are definitely pink, and purple. She likes the brights, the obnoxious. She looks best in Brown, cream, and "hot" colours.
Jade is all about blue and grey and other cool tones.
He looks best in "preppy" gear, or jock gear, she looks best when dressed like Mick Jagger. In the 70's.
Tigger.
Jobsite Workwear gift certificates. I cannot stress this enough.
Really, really good quality cookwear.
He *really* wants a meat slicer.
Mountian Equiptment Co-op, Northface, or even SPortcheck gift cards.
itunes cash.
if you can find it, Slash wrote an autobiography, hes looked at it a few times, but never picked it up.
Chocolate, is always good.
Me?
I really want a new coat. Sears. Black, 3/4 LEngth. Gift Cards would be good.
Since pregnency, I no longer fit into any of my wranglers, or my cowboy boots. So, Lammles. Or however you spell it.
Lu lu's - always. Also, SPort Check. New shoes.
Embroidery/crossstitch patterns. lovelovelove
Oh yes - and bedsheets. Dark, solid colours. Im *really* looking for warm tones. Exotic, warm, colours. yeah. Queen, deep pocket.
Eva has a full size twin now. If you feel like getting her something. It must go with apocolyptic pink.
yeah
so thats my begging list.
If you buy me chocolate, I will kill you.
Happy Holidays.
Monday, October 12, 2009
thoughts
I am nothing more, most days, than a four year old child, begging somebody to tell me Im doing the right thing, Im doing things right, and that they are proud of me. That they love me.
That is the absolute motivation for almost everything I do
Notice me, love me, affirm me.
its why I always want to be *told* what to do - preferably down to the last detail. Show me *exactly* how you want it done, and Ill do it that way *every* damn time. Leave it up to me, and Im terrified Ill be wrong.
There is nothing worse in my life, than being wrong. If I do something wrong, the world falls apart, time stops. People are mad at me, angry at me. Most of the time, I dont know why. I try to do my best at things, all the time.
When I fail, I cease to care. If you dont care, than obviously - you dont care about *me*.
Apathy, is worse than hate.
Just tell me I didnt screw up - again.
Because thats my largest fear.
Afraid that I am useless, afraid that I am stupid, afraid that I am ugly.
Tell me instead that you need me, that I am perfect, and that I am beautiful.
Im still broken, fix me.
I know the reality of it - that I have to find these things for myself. I have to realize that regardless of what others think of me, that I *am* useful, that I dont *need* to be perfect (and thats allright) and that I *am* beautiful. At least to God, who is the *only* one who should matter, really.
This is all - nurture. This is all leftovers from my upbringing. Not even any specific trauma. Just, general life. Its - all of it - none of it is *me*. Its thought processes imprinted *on* me. Its - battleable. If there is such a word.
THe FAE? well - Im always going to share too much information with strangers (im working on this, making it a game with myself) Im never going to *quite* understand how long it takes to get from one place to another. Im probably always going to battle depression.
Now - is the depression tied up in the psychological bullshit, or the FAE? or is it situational, brought about by too much death, too young, and too much morbidity?
Because we cant discount what hearing almost daily, from your parents, that they are going to die and leave you - can do to a childs sense of security. Or self-image.
SO - as Im waiting for my "first" official, Dr. sanctioned psych visit... well - first for a long time. I think I went once, as a teen - when I lived with my sisters, and I dont remember getting much out of it. This time, Im more prepared. Im not wanting to just "fuck around with a psyche" but actually get some serious guidance and help.
The only reason why Im being sent is to get my meds straightened out. Im tired of being tired *all* the time. Im tired of having those *very* rare, but ever annoying auditory hallucinations. And Im *very* tired of the waves of absolute blackness, that roll over me that I am incapable of fighting. And the rage. the rage doesnt come often these days, but when it does - I have *no* control. I lash out at everybody. Even my kids.
Maybe, if I can get my meds straightened out, I can get the energy I need to exercise again, and the will to eat a little better. Loose some weight, get my self esteem up there a bit again.
And than maybe I can start looking again, at those old issues. the ugly, the stupid, the useless - my mantra.
And while Im on this kick, let me be absolutely blunt.
Before I was a mother... there was a time.
It was - before my *second* go around with the shul, as well...
I had started to get a grip on all of this. I had a job that made me confident, two in a row, actually. I had held jobs, for longer than three months, I had proven to myself that I had worked around some of my issues.
I had decided that my style would always be slightly gothic, and that there was nothing wrong with that. If other people wanted to bug me about the vampire thing, well - that was *their* bullshit, not mine. Id bug them with it right back. If they were so narrow minded that a woman cant wear black on a regular basis without thinking shes the living dead, than thats *their* stupidity.
For me, I think, its more of just a statement of this is what I like, take it or leave it. I like blue too, and purple, and some greens. But *everything* goes with black. its - practical, stylish. You cant really go wrong with it.
So.... for all those people who in the last few years who have demanded that I become someone other than who I am. For those who have decided that I change to fit thier view of who I - particularly as a mother - need to be?
may I say a hearty "Fuck You"
And be healthier in the bargain for saying it.
Fuck you, for saying I drag you down. Im not the pessimist here. Im not the one who drinks hard liquer because its "cheaper to get drunk that way" Im not the one with my head in the sand about my husbands porn addiction. Im not the one who ignores thier children to play a video game, Im not the one who cant stand up for myself.
Fuck you, for saying that I think Im a vampire. I know the difference between the living and the dead, fantasy and reality. I know I need I need antidepressents, and dont pretend otherwise. I know that my sanity isnt always the best - but I live in a world far more real than yours. And dont preach to me... I know how often youcrack open your bible, I know how trust worthy you are. And I know that your prayer chain is just a glorified gossip line.
Maybe you should see whos introducing me as the church Dracula, before you assume *I* think or say anything. Or better yet, take a look at your own. Yes, Im wearing black, and no, I dont wear a cross - but your guitarist is wearing an anarchy hat, and see through pants on platform. Your cantor hasnt cracked a bible in a month. The person whos doing the meditation put six minutes of effort into a 15 minute rant on something that has nothing to do with scripture.
You destroyed my self-esteem, you told me that everything that I was, was wrong. You told me that I was so deeply wounded, I couldnt be of use.
But now I see how absolutely wrong you were.
*You* - all of you - were the wounded ones. So scared of someone who was becoming whole in front of you that you ran me over. You ripped out my guts and decided I wasnt worthy.
We are so far removed now, that I dont think we could understand each other at all, anymore. And as I slowly get my - identity - back, Im quite sure you will know me less and less.
You put me in a box, and I refused to fit, so you smashed me down until I would.
But I still didnt, and thats when you got *mad*.
Now, I think its my turn, not to care, for a while.
SO thats where I am.
I *know* my damage levels. I dont like it, but - I know it.
And thats a damn good place to start.
That is the absolute motivation for almost everything I do
Notice me, love me, affirm me.
its why I always want to be *told* what to do - preferably down to the last detail. Show me *exactly* how you want it done, and Ill do it that way *every* damn time. Leave it up to me, and Im terrified Ill be wrong.
There is nothing worse in my life, than being wrong. If I do something wrong, the world falls apart, time stops. People are mad at me, angry at me. Most of the time, I dont know why. I try to do my best at things, all the time.
When I fail, I cease to care. If you dont care, than obviously - you dont care about *me*.
Apathy, is worse than hate.
Just tell me I didnt screw up - again.
Because thats my largest fear.
Afraid that I am useless, afraid that I am stupid, afraid that I am ugly.
Tell me instead that you need me, that I am perfect, and that I am beautiful.
Im still broken, fix me.
I know the reality of it - that I have to find these things for myself. I have to realize that regardless of what others think of me, that I *am* useful, that I dont *need* to be perfect (and thats allright) and that I *am* beautiful. At least to God, who is the *only* one who should matter, really.
This is all - nurture. This is all leftovers from my upbringing. Not even any specific trauma. Just, general life. Its - all of it - none of it is *me*. Its thought processes imprinted *on* me. Its - battleable. If there is such a word.
THe FAE? well - Im always going to share too much information with strangers (im working on this, making it a game with myself) Im never going to *quite* understand how long it takes to get from one place to another. Im probably always going to battle depression.
Now - is the depression tied up in the psychological bullshit, or the FAE? or is it situational, brought about by too much death, too young, and too much morbidity?
Because we cant discount what hearing almost daily, from your parents, that they are going to die and leave you - can do to a childs sense of security. Or self-image.
SO - as Im waiting for my "first" official, Dr. sanctioned psych visit... well - first for a long time. I think I went once, as a teen - when I lived with my sisters, and I dont remember getting much out of it. This time, Im more prepared. Im not wanting to just "fuck around with a psyche" but actually get some serious guidance and help.
The only reason why Im being sent is to get my meds straightened out. Im tired of being tired *all* the time. Im tired of having those *very* rare, but ever annoying auditory hallucinations. And Im *very* tired of the waves of absolute blackness, that roll over me that I am incapable of fighting. And the rage. the rage doesnt come often these days, but when it does - I have *no* control. I lash out at everybody. Even my kids.
Maybe, if I can get my meds straightened out, I can get the energy I need to exercise again, and the will to eat a little better. Loose some weight, get my self esteem up there a bit again.
And than maybe I can start looking again, at those old issues. the ugly, the stupid, the useless - my mantra.
And while Im on this kick, let me be absolutely blunt.
Before I was a mother... there was a time.
It was - before my *second* go around with the shul, as well...
I had started to get a grip on all of this. I had a job that made me confident, two in a row, actually. I had held jobs, for longer than three months, I had proven to myself that I had worked around some of my issues.
I had decided that my style would always be slightly gothic, and that there was nothing wrong with that. If other people wanted to bug me about the vampire thing, well - that was *their* bullshit, not mine. Id bug them with it right back. If they were so narrow minded that a woman cant wear black on a regular basis without thinking shes the living dead, than thats *their* stupidity.
For me, I think, its more of just a statement of this is what I like, take it or leave it. I like blue too, and purple, and some greens. But *everything* goes with black. its - practical, stylish. You cant really go wrong with it.
So.... for all those people who in the last few years who have demanded that I become someone other than who I am. For those who have decided that I change to fit thier view of who I - particularly as a mother - need to be?
may I say a hearty "Fuck You"
And be healthier in the bargain for saying it.
Fuck you, for saying I drag you down. Im not the pessimist here. Im not the one who drinks hard liquer because its "cheaper to get drunk that way" Im not the one with my head in the sand about my husbands porn addiction. Im not the one who ignores thier children to play a video game, Im not the one who cant stand up for myself.
Fuck you, for saying that I think Im a vampire. I know the difference between the living and the dead, fantasy and reality. I know I need I need antidepressents, and dont pretend otherwise. I know that my sanity isnt always the best - but I live in a world far more real than yours. And dont preach to me... I know how often youcrack open your bible, I know how trust worthy you are. And I know that your prayer chain is just a glorified gossip line.
Maybe you should see whos introducing me as the church Dracula, before you assume *I* think or say anything. Or better yet, take a look at your own. Yes, Im wearing black, and no, I dont wear a cross - but your guitarist is wearing an anarchy hat, and see through pants on platform. Your cantor hasnt cracked a bible in a month. The person whos doing the meditation put six minutes of effort into a 15 minute rant on something that has nothing to do with scripture.
You destroyed my self-esteem, you told me that everything that I was, was wrong. You told me that I was so deeply wounded, I couldnt be of use.
But now I see how absolutely wrong you were.
*You* - all of you - were the wounded ones. So scared of someone who was becoming whole in front of you that you ran me over. You ripped out my guts and decided I wasnt worthy.
We are so far removed now, that I dont think we could understand each other at all, anymore. And as I slowly get my - identity - back, Im quite sure you will know me less and less.
You put me in a box, and I refused to fit, so you smashed me down until I would.
But I still didnt, and thats when you got *mad*.
Now, I think its my turn, not to care, for a while.
SO thats where I am.
I *know* my damage levels. I dont like it, but - I know it.
And thats a damn good place to start.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Im not sure what to say. I have a lot on my heart today. Pointing that verse at the entirety of the USA is pointless - but, I wish I could explain it to them anyways.
Health care, military interests, even in their churches.
Im worried about Christmas - its eating me up and hurting me, every day. I think about it constantly, and I dont know what to do. Ive tried leaving it with God, and letting Him work quietly - but Tigger needs to know what to book for holidays. And so, I fret.
Im not one for leaving massive personal messages on my blog, but - Jan, if you're still reading this thing? Im waiting for you to contact me, trying to give you the space you wanted. If I dont hear from you by November, Im going to assume that you dont really want us to come up. And thats allright. But the balls in your court.
I love you.
I dont know what else to say.
But its all I can think of today.
Im not sure what to say. I have a lot on my heart today. Pointing that verse at the entirety of the USA is pointless - but, I wish I could explain it to them anyways.
Health care, military interests, even in their churches.
Im worried about Christmas - its eating me up and hurting me, every day. I think about it constantly, and I dont know what to do. Ive tried leaving it with God, and letting Him work quietly - but Tigger needs to know what to book for holidays. And so, I fret.
Im not one for leaving massive personal messages on my blog, but - Jan, if you're still reading this thing? Im waiting for you to contact me, trying to give you the space you wanted. If I dont hear from you by November, Im going to assume that you dont really want us to come up. And thats allright. But the balls in your court.
I love you.
I dont know what else to say.
But its all I can think of today.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Step 4
out of 101.
Keep in mind, that life will not stop, if you reach your goal weight. I will still have crabby babies, I will still have bad days.
And thats true.
Even more true, is that a thin body, isnt necessarily a good body.
But for me, I know - a thinner body *is* going to make me live longer, have more energy, less depression, and make me stronger.
Which makes the crabby babies more tolerable, the bad days fewer and further between and for me, Im not sure theres an option between thin and good.
SO theres a dash of truth there....
Except - except......
When you look good, you *feel* good too.
It can be the worst day in the world, but if you feel thin and fabulous and have on an outfit that you know you look great in?
Now, I know - you can have a fabu outfit at any weight. You can even be sexy, at any weight.
But I know for me - size 16 doesnt cut it.
It just - doesnt.
Keep in mind, that life will not stop, if you reach your goal weight. I will still have crabby babies, I will still have bad days.
And thats true.
Even more true, is that a thin body, isnt necessarily a good body.
But for me, I know - a thinner body *is* going to make me live longer, have more energy, less depression, and make me stronger.
Which makes the crabby babies more tolerable, the bad days fewer and further between and for me, Im not sure theres an option between thin and good.
SO theres a dash of truth there....
Except - except......
When you look good, you *feel* good too.
It can be the worst day in the world, but if you feel thin and fabulous and have on an outfit that you know you look great in?
Now, I know - you can have a fabu outfit at any weight. You can even be sexy, at any weight.
But I know for me - size 16 doesnt cut it.
It just - doesnt.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tired...
really tired. Someday, we will buy a new mattress that doesnt make us miserable.
Never a pillow top - never again, so help me God.
So... something new to notice.
Colossians 2.16-17
16Therefore no one is to (R)act as your judge in regard to (S)food or (T)drink or in respect to a (U)festival or a (V)new moon or a (W)Sabbath day--
17things which are (X)a mere shadow of what is to come; but the substance belongs to Christ.
If I choose to drink water, rather than alcohol.
If I like Whiskey, better than wine.
If I choose to eat shrimp, but abstain from pork.
If I choose not to celebrate modern versions of Easter, or Christmas....
If I choose to dress my children up as Peter Pan and Dracula, for Haloween.
If I choose Thursday as my day of rest.
God doesnt care.
The point is to recognize...
The food and drink will be far better in heaven.
The holidays will be truly Holy-days... and they will be *everyday* in the presence of the Lord.
The day of rest will not be optional.
Because here? We are just - shadows and dust.
Here? We just go through the motions.
Here - we are pilgrims in an unholy land, fighting for our own space.
But there, we will finally taste reality.
Never a pillow top - never again, so help me God.
So... something new to notice.
Colossians 2.16-17
16Therefore no one is to (R)act as your judge in regard to (S)food or (T)drink or in respect to a (U)festival or a (V)new moon or a (W)Sabbath day--
17things which are (X)a mere shadow of what is to come; but the substance belongs to Christ.
If I choose to drink water, rather than alcohol.
If I like Whiskey, better than wine.
If I choose to eat shrimp, but abstain from pork.
If I choose not to celebrate modern versions of Easter, or Christmas....
If I choose to dress my children up as Peter Pan and Dracula, for Haloween.
If I choose Thursday as my day of rest.
God doesnt care.
The point is to recognize...
The food and drink will be far better in heaven.
The holidays will be truly Holy-days... and they will be *everyday* in the presence of the Lord.
The day of rest will not be optional.
Because here? We are just - shadows and dust.
Here? We just go through the motions.
Here - we are pilgrims in an unholy land, fighting for our own space.
But there, we will finally taste reality.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Today....
I took most of the day off from the net, and got my entire upstairs clean. It meant moving bookshelves from one room to the other, throwing out a couch, thankfully, Tigger vacuumed and did all that, but moving the books around, and all the small stuff, and changing three beds worth of sheets, and the four loads of laundry... I seriously wore myself out.
But my upstairs now looks more like the rest of the house, and less like a pit into which things disappear forever.
Scripture today was just - more of the same - things Ie spoken of countless times. Love, dont hate.
Look after those less fortunate than you.
Stop filling yourself with rage, and hate, and sinful desires.
Be free.
The message in 101 Things to do before you Diet, is almost - odd in contrast.
Its - just to take a seriously *honest* look at yourself.
They request naked, in front of a mirror. In full light.
I think 90% of my problem is my posture. If I actually stand up straight, use my strength to support my body, I dont look that bad. I mean, Im still - very - overweight, but I look *good*.
So - more yoga. and more tummy work, because its that lower tummy muscles that push my back straight that are weak, and making me look dumpier than I actually am.
But it is a goal.
From Gwendolyn MacEwen, I bring you only two lines today.
it echoes the first, and possibly even the second.
Seek simplicities.
We like to make things complicated, it makes us feel sophisticated and worldly. It makes us feel smart.
Water, stretching, natural foods.
Doing good.
Love.
These are simple things, that we would complicate beyond measure for our own entertainment. We make rules and laws - our own, as well as other peoples.
Pointless confusion lays there.
Trends, are busy. Classic is simple, functional, and beautiful.
I will seek the simple.
But my upstairs now looks more like the rest of the house, and less like a pit into which things disappear forever.
Scripture today was just - more of the same - things Ie spoken of countless times. Love, dont hate.
Look after those less fortunate than you.
Stop filling yourself with rage, and hate, and sinful desires.
Be free.
The message in 101 Things to do before you Diet, is almost - odd in contrast.
Its - just to take a seriously *honest* look at yourself.
They request naked, in front of a mirror. In full light.
I think 90% of my problem is my posture. If I actually stand up straight, use my strength to support my body, I dont look that bad. I mean, Im still - very - overweight, but I look *good*.
So - more yoga. and more tummy work, because its that lower tummy muscles that push my back straight that are weak, and making me look dumpier than I actually am.
But it is a goal.
From Gwendolyn MacEwen, I bring you only two lines today.
it echoes the first, and possibly even the second.
Seek simplicities.
We like to make things complicated, it makes us feel sophisticated and worldly. It makes us feel smart.
Water, stretching, natural foods.
Doing good.
Love.
These are simple things, that we would complicate beyond measure for our own entertainment. We make rules and laws - our own, as well as other peoples.
Pointless confusion lays there.
Trends, are busy. Classic is simple, functional, and beautiful.
I will seek the simple.
Friday, September 25, 2009
This wasnt what I planned to share today...
But days will never stop surprising you, if you let them.
From Gwendolyn MacEwan - A Poetic Introduction to the Collection "Breakfast with Barbarians"
"...breakfast
being a more profound and sacramental
meal than supper, because after all
it's the first meal, its the pact
you make with yourself to see the
day through."
Of all the evidence - scientific, logic, and - everything, I have ever read, about the importance of breakfast...
*this* right here? THat makes more sense to me than any thing else.
A full preparations for your day, a ceremony, almost, of acceptance and - promise.
You fill yourself for your day, With the day.
Morning light.
yes.
From Gwendolyn MacEwan - A Poetic Introduction to the Collection "Breakfast with Barbarians"
"...breakfast
being a more profound and sacramental
meal than supper, because after all
it's the first meal, its the pact
you make with yourself to see the
day through."
Of all the evidence - scientific, logic, and - everything, I have ever read, about the importance of breakfast...
*this* right here? THat makes more sense to me than any thing else.
A full preparations for your day, a ceremony, almost, of acceptance and - promise.
You fill yourself for your day, With the day.
Morning light.
yes.
Galatians 4
False teachers. Its an odd very Christians term...
Used car salesmen of the church. Ive met quite a few.
They usually do quite well.
They like to flatter people. they arent big though, on really getting to know their people, because if they did, than they may actually have to you know - get into their lives and rebuke them.
They have Country Club churches.
They drive *really* nice cars.
ANd they teach their people to be as fake as they are.
They meet someone who really is - honest - and they smile and nod and walk away *fast*. Because if they spend too much time with them, someone may find out. They might figure it out - all those little sins they are hiding.
So the honest person, left in their midst for too long, no longer has support against their own vices, and the corruption, like yeast, spreads throughout the whole church...
Its ugly, and disgusting.
Paul had seen the honesty, and than came back, and saw the falseness of it all, and was horrified. He knew the leaders were to be blamed, but also, the people who accepted it.
The individuals, who could have risen to greater heights, were just as guilty.
Because Christ is a *personal* God, not just a far away God of a whole Nation.
The laws and the rules that man put on man, within Israel.... There was no freedom, no love - just blind rule following hate.
All in the Name of the One they didnt really understand - to feel important (Christ was humbled and humiliated)
To have influence (He visited with whores and lepers)
To have a place in society (He got his taxes from a fishes mouth and had no home)
Galatians 4... summery?
People are idiots.
Used car salesmen of the church. Ive met quite a few.
They usually do quite well.
They like to flatter people. they arent big though, on really getting to know their people, because if they did, than they may actually have to you know - get into their lives and rebuke them.
They have Country Club churches.
They drive *really* nice cars.
ANd they teach their people to be as fake as they are.
They meet someone who really is - honest - and they smile and nod and walk away *fast*. Because if they spend too much time with them, someone may find out. They might figure it out - all those little sins they are hiding.
So the honest person, left in their midst for too long, no longer has support against their own vices, and the corruption, like yeast, spreads throughout the whole church...
Its ugly, and disgusting.
Paul had seen the honesty, and than came back, and saw the falseness of it all, and was horrified. He knew the leaders were to be blamed, but also, the people who accepted it.
The individuals, who could have risen to greater heights, were just as guilty.
Because Christ is a *personal* God, not just a far away God of a whole Nation.
The laws and the rules that man put on man, within Israel.... There was no freedom, no love - just blind rule following hate.
All in the Name of the One they didnt really understand - to feel important (Christ was humbled and humiliated)
To have influence (He visited with whores and lepers)
To have a place in society (He got his taxes from a fishes mouth and had no home)
Galatians 4... summery?
People are idiots.
Currently...
I am reading three books.
1) 101 Things to do before you Diet. Ive skimmed through the whole thing, and its *fabulous*. I highly recommend that every woman buy this book just on general principles. It will make you feel *great*.
2) Wishful Drinking, by Carrie Fisher.
Even after electroshock, this woman is amazingly funny, and witty. I may have to look into her other books as well. Amazing woman who I have a whole new crudload of respect for.
3)Selected Gwendolyn MacEwan
This woman writes with the language of my heart. Im not even kidding. I can sit and mull over one of her pieces for hours. Just one phrase can stick in my soul for days. Last night, I just read one poem, and even this morning, "The Peril of Beauty" - half a line, from one poem, fills me with so many fabulous ideas and thoughts and stories I could sing with joy.
yes, Im still trying to read more scripture as well. I know I need it.
So this is my way of saying, or giving an apology if this seems a bit like a reading blog lately. Its not going to get any better, Im sorry. I think about what I read. I cant help it.
In other news - Eva continues to say "I love You" to me on regular intervals, Jade fell down the back yard stairs yesterday, and today has a nasty bit on the side of his face, and his eye is swollen and looks like a nice fat black eye. But he can count well to ten and even recognizes his numbers when he sees them, something Eva doesnt seem to have any interest in at all.
And now a story I promised to tell, but of course, forgot about.
This story will be called "Parenting with FAS - Example 1."
I get Jade and Eva out of bed in the morning, and come downstairs.
I sit at my computer, and do my morning "stuff".
I start breakfast, and see my ipod has finally been returned.
I go back to the computer, and re-sync my playlists.
I download a song.
I go back, and finish making breakfast.
I look down at the floor, and note a large puddle of liquid.
It is at *that* point, I remember that Jades diaper was falling off of him when he came down the stairs, I took it off when he got to the bottom, and I was supposed to put another on him as soon as we got to the bottom of the stairs.
What happened?
I forgot.
Like it never even happened forgot.
So, I cleaned it up, diapered the boy, fed the kids, and laughed all morning long.
Because honestly, if it *wasnt* funny... yeah.
We wont go there.
THankfully *that* hasnt happened before. *giggles*
Hope everyone is having a good morning. I know I am!
1) 101 Things to do before you Diet. Ive skimmed through the whole thing, and its *fabulous*. I highly recommend that every woman buy this book just on general principles. It will make you feel *great*.
2) Wishful Drinking, by Carrie Fisher.
Even after electroshock, this woman is amazingly funny, and witty. I may have to look into her other books as well. Amazing woman who I have a whole new crudload of respect for.
3)Selected Gwendolyn MacEwan
This woman writes with the language of my heart. Im not even kidding. I can sit and mull over one of her pieces for hours. Just one phrase can stick in my soul for days. Last night, I just read one poem, and even this morning, "The Peril of Beauty" - half a line, from one poem, fills me with so many fabulous ideas and thoughts and stories I could sing with joy.
yes, Im still trying to read more scripture as well. I know I need it.
So this is my way of saying, or giving an apology if this seems a bit like a reading blog lately. Its not going to get any better, Im sorry. I think about what I read. I cant help it.
In other news - Eva continues to say "I love You" to me on regular intervals, Jade fell down the back yard stairs yesterday, and today has a nasty bit on the side of his face, and his eye is swollen and looks like a nice fat black eye. But he can count well to ten and even recognizes his numbers when he sees them, something Eva doesnt seem to have any interest in at all.
And now a story I promised to tell, but of course, forgot about.
This story will be called "Parenting with FAS - Example 1."
I get Jade and Eva out of bed in the morning, and come downstairs.
I sit at my computer, and do my morning "stuff".
I start breakfast, and see my ipod has finally been returned.
I go back to the computer, and re-sync my playlists.
I download a song.
I go back, and finish making breakfast.
I look down at the floor, and note a large puddle of liquid.
It is at *that* point, I remember that Jades diaper was falling off of him when he came down the stairs, I took it off when he got to the bottom, and I was supposed to put another on him as soon as we got to the bottom of the stairs.
What happened?
I forgot.
Like it never even happened forgot.
So, I cleaned it up, diapered the boy, fed the kids, and laughed all morning long.
Because honestly, if it *wasnt* funny... yeah.
We wont go there.
THankfully *that* hasnt happened before. *giggles*
Hope everyone is having a good morning. I know I am!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Few thoughts...
2 Cor 12.
Paul brags - he does. He cant help himself. Its defensive, but I get it.
Paul owes no one, anything - and more than that - He refuses to *take* anything.
No money, no fancy clothes, no big chariots. He was always - unimpressive. Except in his speech.
A shame... that so few ministers seem to understand that principle.
Which brings me to one of my favorite passages of all time.
Hebrews 11.38
just a short phrase in parenthesis. (men of whom the world is not worthy)
Paul, was one of those men.
I havent met too many in real life. A few scattered old time Saints, who truly knew - lived and breathed in the beating heart of God.
There is, in my mind, no greater epitaph that could be attached to a name, and in the long run, I hope someday, to be worthy of that.
To have just one person, think, say, believe - that the world was not worthy of *me*.
Its not a point, I think, that you know when youve reached yourself. Its between the World, and God.
Thats when you *truly* point the Way.
Its all I want.
Well... no.
Thats wrong.
What I *want* is to live and breathe in that beating heart of God.
Its not that I want the world to look at me, Id rather it didnt.
I want God to look at me.
I want to look at God, and be utterly consumed.
I want to demand His love, His attentions, His wisdom, His grace. (Thanks, Clover, for the beautiful analogy)
I want it to be the only thing I want.
Paul brags - he does. He cant help himself. Its defensive, but I get it.
Paul owes no one, anything - and more than that - He refuses to *take* anything.
No money, no fancy clothes, no big chariots. He was always - unimpressive. Except in his speech.
A shame... that so few ministers seem to understand that principle.
Which brings me to one of my favorite passages of all time.
Hebrews 11.38
just a short phrase in parenthesis. (men of whom the world is not worthy)
Paul, was one of those men.
I havent met too many in real life. A few scattered old time Saints, who truly knew - lived and breathed in the beating heart of God.
There is, in my mind, no greater epitaph that could be attached to a name, and in the long run, I hope someday, to be worthy of that.
To have just one person, think, say, believe - that the world was not worthy of *me*.
Its not a point, I think, that you know when youve reached yourself. Its between the World, and God.
Thats when you *truly* point the Way.
Its all I want.
Well... no.
Thats wrong.
What I *want* is to live and breathe in that beating heart of God.
Its not that I want the world to look at me, Id rather it didnt.
I want God to look at me.
I want to look at God, and be utterly consumed.
I want to demand His love, His attentions, His wisdom, His grace. (Thanks, Clover, for the beautiful analogy)
I want it to be the only thing I want.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
You know....
I think the hardest thing to do in life - is just to be be happy with what we have.
Love, Life, Work....
all of it, and everything.
Just to be content.
And sometimes, I think its because we have too much time on our hands. Too much time to sit and contemplate who and what we have, who and what we want.
People struggling for survival, dont suffer from depression. They are thankful for every moment.
The more we have, the *worse* our discontentment becomes.
We have such a screwed up way of looking at life, it isnt even funny.
I dare you to even try to think of a way to reward yourself, *without* WANTING something.
We are a culture of sick, sick people.
Love, Life, Work....
all of it, and everything.
Just to be content.
And sometimes, I think its because we have too much time on our hands. Too much time to sit and contemplate who and what we have, who and what we want.
People struggling for survival, dont suffer from depression. They are thankful for every moment.
The more we have, the *worse* our discontentment becomes.
We have such a screwed up way of looking at life, it isnt even funny.
I dare you to even try to think of a way to reward yourself, *without* WANTING something.
We are a culture of sick, sick people.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Interesting. At least to me.
Phil 3.8-9
8More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of O)">(O)knowing P)">(P)Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
9and may be found in Him, not having Q)">(Q)a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, R)">(R)the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith
A very long time ago, I went in to get my credentials as a Pentecostal minister. During the interview, some things were legitimately brought to light wherein I could not receive those. Basically - although I was doing active ministry, It wasn't in a Pentecostal church. I wasn't even attending a Pentecostal church at the time. Now - I understand also, these are loopholes. If they had wanted me, they would have done it anyways.
Now adays, Im actually rather thankful I never got it.
But one thing always bothered me. And that was how they jumped on my use of the word "trash" when it came to my reading selections.
I did try to explain to them, that What I meant was *anything* that wasn't scripture. That I included legitimate literature, Biographies, and even textbooks in that pile. I wish now, I knew this verse better, as to scripturally back up my call.
Compared to the knowledge of Christ? What is Tolkien? Lewis? Lucado? What matters Wilkensen, or even Graham?
Apparently though - what I said was very, very wrong - and I realize something today that hurts deeply. These leaders of the church? These fine men and women who sat before me? They preferred the written words of men, to the Word. No better than the Catholics that they so slandered in their classes for following "The traditions of men" - They railroaded me for putting the Word of God so high above everything else.
It didn't occur to me then, that what I said there may have stung them.
It didn't occur to me than, that they were the ones being defensive. Angry at me for tapping their hollow metal gods.
Such a shame, that a simple reminder of what comes *first* can upset so many.
I should have shaken the dust from my feet when I left that building, and I will always be ashamed that I didnt. But now, I am certianly assured - Im never going back.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
More picspam
Jade in his Camo pants. Hes changed and grown so much this year, it just blows my mind. But those pants just look adorable on him.
Akivas mattress had to be the most uncomfortable thing ever, and when we realized that she wasnt even sleeping on it, but just useing it as a pillow, we knew it was time to get her a new bed. Rather than just - buy a bed, we just got her a mattress for now, and obviously, it needed sheets.
Now one of the great regrets of my childhood is that mom and dad *never* let me pick out my own bedsheets/blankets/towels. I got stuck with old *old* cast offs from when they used to share a bed. So I was determined that Eva would have her own pick (within reason ). So today we went to bed bath and beyond, and after I convinced her - no, she wasnt allowed to get the same ones mommy was drooling over the other day, myself and a few others (she attracted 4 store clerks, with apparently nothing else to do other than coo and adore the little well behaved red-head) managed to get her to the kids section, where she instantly glommed to the softest, fluffiest things *ever* - also, the most obnoxious. So - pink and purple sheets, with fuchia comforter and throw pillows it is.
It suits her to a "T"
Monday, September 7, 2009
Debating....
Paper, or not?
In realization that my memory is shit, and that someday, I may want to know - certian things... Im considering turning this into an actual - daily blog. Filled with the details of my day to day life.
I perfer to write, personally. Probably a hold over, bordering on archaic, these days from times about to disappear. But in many ways, paper is hardly as substantial as the net. A fire cannot destroy my postings, nor can flood.
But it does lack the romance of old journals.
SO - for the few who suffer here with my few and odd posts.... what are your opinions?
In realization that my memory is shit, and that someday, I may want to know - certian things... Im considering turning this into an actual - daily blog. Filled with the details of my day to day life.
I perfer to write, personally. Probably a hold over, bordering on archaic, these days from times about to disappear. But in many ways, paper is hardly as substantial as the net. A fire cannot destroy my postings, nor can flood.
But it does lack the romance of old journals.
SO - for the few who suffer here with my few and odd posts.... what are your opinions?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
There are no words, in elvish, entish or the tongues of man
*shudders* I have never been more disgusted in my life....
Deep Fried Butter.
Im not kidding, heres the link
This has got to be the most nauseating, disgusting thing ever.
The argument, is that it tastes like warm toast.
So I say - eat warm toast. Whole wheat - hell, even Wonderbread is healthier than Fat, fried in fat, and than rolled in sugar?
How hungry *are* Americans, anyways, that they would eat something *that* disgusting?
Deep Fried Butter.
Im not kidding, heres the link
This has got to be the most nauseating, disgusting thing ever.
The argument, is that it tastes like warm toast.
So I say - eat warm toast. Whole wheat - hell, even Wonderbread is healthier than Fat, fried in fat, and than rolled in sugar?
How hungry *are* Americans, anyways, that they would eat something *that* disgusting?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Sangria?
Sangria (Spanish: sangrÃa; Portuguese: sangria; Italian: sangria; meaning "bloody") is a wine punch typical of Iberian Peninsula. It normally consists of:
- red wine (usually Rioja or Tempranillo in Spain, and Carrascão (table wine) in Portugal)
- chopped or sliced fruit (often orange, lemon, apple, peach, berries, pineapple; occasionally melon, grape, or mango)
- a sweetener such as honey, sugar, orange juice, and/or fruit nectar
- a small amount of added brandy, triple sec, or other spirits
- and ice and carbonated soda, in some recipes
the above is taken from Wikipedia.
Most notably, it does not include - mushrooms, or onions.
Two days ago, Tigger made Sangria for the first time, having had it at a freinds place (Mexican).
It was a large batch, and we put the leftovers in the fridge.
Tonight, Tigger had the container out on the counter, while he made some chili like substance for himself. He had gone downstairs for a few moments, and I heard some shuffling in the kitchen. When I got up to investigate, all I saw was two smiling angels, some cut up onion on the counter, and nothing obviously out of place.
I moved on.
About an hour later, I went back in, to snag some of this delisious spanish concoction.
It had had apples cut up in it, so I didnt notice the white at first, but I *couldnt* miss the mushrooms.
"Tigger - is the Sangria supposed to have... mushrooms.. in it?"
"Umm no......"
He comes over and looks at it, fishing the mushrooms out
"is that - onion?"
"oh no - I *knew* I had more onion than that!"
Thats right, almost more than half a full onion in the sangria, for over an hour.
Marinading.
Neither of us have *mentioned* to each other that the flavour has changed.
I wont be having any more.
Akiva, the *only* person in the house tall enough to do such a thing, who *would*... went to bed quite early.
Sangria, anyone?
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Scatterings....
Walking program starting again tomorrow - has been "off" since first day due to amazingly painful shin splints. Tomorrow, I think Ill feel safe enough to walk again.
Eating habits still could be better, but Im not complaining too loudly.
True Blood. Continueing with the vampire explosion current in our culture... I rented the first 4 hours of the series, and was less than impressed. With the exception of 1 unique charecter, and 1 *beautiful* visual moment - which could have been better taken advantage of, and wasnt - I found it simply a greater "r" rated version of any "Rician" uni. Complete with rock-god looking "king" of vampires sitting in a vamp "bar". The scene could have been right out of an ANne Rice book. I was greatly disappointed.
ALso - setting *any* vampire series around the New Orleans area, is pretty much fail.
Buffy influences - oh there are scores... which makes it all the worse. The *worst* of Buffy seems to have made it here, including the fact that the vampires seem to perfer the clothing that is reminescent of the era in which they died. So our hero perfers almost uniform like colours. And noooo *hes* not an "Angel" wanna be at all.
At least they dont glitter.
And what *is* it about people with the whole aryan extreme - peroxide blonde vampires? bah.
and while Im on the topic - let me finish up with Twilight, oh yes - *please* let me finish up with the glittery, pathetic, whiny excuse for bloodsuckers.
My *final* word on the subject?
If it had all been written by Jacob, and had been marketed as a comedy series? or a parody sereis - it would have *rocked*.
My werewolf fangirl side jumped *hugely* during this series, and Im *not* a werewolf fan.
But I would muse Jacob, or Leah - in a heartbeat.
But anybook that can end on *that* sickening sweet a tone - needs to have about 5 semesters teaching on the word "Art" over pulp viction.
(spellingmistake intentional, there)
Jae now does the lean against the wall with the one arm up thing so well that I really think hes a Calvin Clein model in miniture. Akiva can seem to breathe pretty. But is even growing more obsessive in some areas. Its very - odd.
She cuddled, and was still in my arms today for almost a half hour. It made my week.
Oh yeah - and the "love interest" of the vampire - *not* being freaked out by him? *So* over it.
Im sorry... I would run shrieking the moment I saw fangs. And I am possibly the most qualified vampiric "date" ever.
No fear of something like tht, means no sense of self preservation - which means *stupid*.
Darwin says your lunch meat.
Eating habits still could be better, but Im not complaining too loudly.
True Blood. Continueing with the vampire explosion current in our culture... I rented the first 4 hours of the series, and was less than impressed. With the exception of 1 unique charecter, and 1 *beautiful* visual moment - which could have been better taken advantage of, and wasnt - I found it simply a greater "r" rated version of any "Rician" uni. Complete with rock-god looking "king" of vampires sitting in a vamp "bar". The scene could have been right out of an ANne Rice book. I was greatly disappointed.
ALso - setting *any* vampire series around the New Orleans area, is pretty much fail.
Buffy influences - oh there are scores... which makes it all the worse. The *worst* of Buffy seems to have made it here, including the fact that the vampires seem to perfer the clothing that is reminescent of the era in which they died. So our hero perfers almost uniform like colours. And noooo *hes* not an "Angel" wanna be at all.
At least they dont glitter.
And what *is* it about people with the whole aryan extreme - peroxide blonde vampires? bah.
and while Im on the topic - let me finish up with Twilight, oh yes - *please* let me finish up with the glittery, pathetic, whiny excuse for bloodsuckers.
My *final* word on the subject?
If it had all been written by Jacob, and had been marketed as a comedy series? or a parody sereis - it would have *rocked*.
My werewolf fangirl side jumped *hugely* during this series, and Im *not* a werewolf fan.
But I would muse Jacob, or Leah - in a heartbeat.
But anybook that can end on *that* sickening sweet a tone - needs to have about 5 semesters teaching on the word "Art" over pulp viction.
(spellingmistake intentional, there)
Jae now does the lean against the wall with the one arm up thing so well that I really think hes a Calvin Clein model in miniture. Akiva can seem to breathe pretty. But is even growing more obsessive in some areas. Its very - odd.
She cuddled, and was still in my arms today for almost a half hour. It made my week.
Oh yeah - and the "love interest" of the vampire - *not* being freaked out by him? *So* over it.
Im sorry... I would run shrieking the moment I saw fangs. And I am possibly the most qualified vampiric "date" ever.
No fear of something like tht, means no sense of self preservation - which means *stupid*.
Darwin says your lunch meat.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Reading a movie review
Julia and Julia is a movie I have no interest in seeing, but a friend of mine posted a link to a review with an interesting angle, and I thought Id read it this morning. ( http://www.christandpopculture.com/film/singing-the-im-the-center-of-my-universe-blues/ ) After a few moments, I came to this conclusion.
I want to tell the story of Christ's life, through mine.
I do not want just to see my life, reflected in His.
This life, this "story" - its not about *me*. Its about Him. And the days I am happiest, are the days when I realize the absolute truth of that.
Living up to it - well, thats a lot harder, and if I ever get a handle on it, Ill let you know - but in the meantime, Ill keep trying.
I want to tell the story of Christ's life, through mine.
I do not want just to see my life, reflected in His.
This life, this "story" - its not about *me*. Its about Him. And the days I am happiest, are the days when I realize the absolute truth of that.
Living up to it - well, thats a lot harder, and if I ever get a handle on it, Ill let you know - but in the meantime, Ill keep trying.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Tonight -
I have started a walking program. 2 times a week, I speed walk, alternating with a basic walk. 3 times a week, I just - walk - for an hour. and theres a five move sculping program that goes with it, that right now, I do 1 set of, 3 times a week.
Its pretty basic, really. A starter program for people *really* out of shape, but should move me up to a point where I can start a real running program, which is my ultimate goal.
So tonight, I managed 8, six minutes "sets". 5 minutes of speed walking, and 1 minute of "basic" walking - which at this point isnt so much walking as me feeling like Im being dragged through a swamp by hooks attached to my thighs.
There was a storm coming in, and listening to the thunder, and watching the clouds was a nice change to being stuck in front of my computer. I *didnt* enjoy the pain in my groin, than my calves, than my ankles, and than lastly - the pain in my *ass*
That - was one of those pains that feels good - letting you know you're useing your body in the way it was meant to be used. After that faded, I was good. No pain, just that whole lower body ache that comes when you havent exercised for very long time.
By the time I got home, I could barely move, and it makes me *so* happy. The Toonie sized blister on my one heel *does*not*. Thankfully, Tigger has moleskin.
Now, I just need to resist the overwhelming urge to eat chocolate chip cookie dough.
Its pretty basic, really. A starter program for people *really* out of shape, but should move me up to a point where I can start a real running program, which is my ultimate goal.
So tonight, I managed 8, six minutes "sets". 5 minutes of speed walking, and 1 minute of "basic" walking - which at this point isnt so much walking as me feeling like Im being dragged through a swamp by hooks attached to my thighs.
There was a storm coming in, and listening to the thunder, and watching the clouds was a nice change to being stuck in front of my computer. I *didnt* enjoy the pain in my groin, than my calves, than my ankles, and than lastly - the pain in my *ass*
That - was one of those pains that feels good - letting you know you're useing your body in the way it was meant to be used. After that faded, I was good. No pain, just that whole lower body ache that comes when you havent exercised for very long time.
By the time I got home, I could barely move, and it makes me *so* happy. The Toonie sized blister on my one heel *does*not*. Thankfully, Tigger has moleskin.
Now, I just need to resist the overwhelming urge to eat chocolate chip cookie dough.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Finally! Intelligence!!!
I expect this author to be murdered within the next year... such a shame
http://www.bridges-across.org/ba/winkhombib.htm
A truly intelligent, and biblical look at homosexuality.
Something I can finally agree with 99% of.
Shame more Christians wernt like this person. (and thanks, Paula, for the link in the Twitter!)
http://www.bridges-across.org/ba/winkhombib.htm
A truly intelligent, and biblical look at homosexuality.
Something I can finally agree with 99% of.
Shame more Christians wernt like this person. (and thanks, Paula, for the link in the Twitter!)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
and now the more traditional picspam
Jade decided Dexter needed a necklace.
It just happens to be a diaper genie refill.
These are simply to prove that he *is* the most adorable little boy ever.
The pink was a few days ago, the white is today.
Today, she decided she was camera shy, and was running away from the camera - no idea why. Shes never done it before.
And now a short story. Every day, I put on a movie, and go up to have my shower. It takes me about 15 minutes, which is about how long I trust my children to be on their own, surrounded by toys and entertainment, without killing each other, or my property. Most days, it works.
Usually, when I go up for siad shower, my living room floor is covered with toys, blankets and cheerios. Its before thier afternoon nap, and so I havent bothered sweeping or cleaning yet. It just - makes it easier if I do it closer to when the TIgger comes home, because than it resembles sanity for him.
So, the one day, I go up, and while Im dresing, I can hear them fighting. Nothing serious, no death defying cries, just some general complaining.
I come downstairs, to find the following....
perfectly clean around my computer area.
perfectly clean around the play/tv area....
every single toy and blanket piled up on my couch - not a cheerio in sight - Im *hoping* they ate them all.....
Please note - the pillow and the blanket are almost in perfect position for a nap - Im thinking the toy baby carrier fell down...
and as you can see from the pictures - they are *obviously* very proud of themselves for cleaning up...
Im just wondering why they couldnt have put them in the toy "box" behind Jade in the first pic... except maybe thy think they look *better* on top of the couch?
Im not too sure.
but I was proud of them anyways.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
More pics!!!!
So - we got the swimming pool, and then left it out, and there was a storm. Pool got all filled with nasty debris, and we forgot to empty it.
Well, a few days later, Tigger opens the back door, and these two little things race past us to get outside, and before we can stop her - shes in the pool. No water proof diaper, no change of clothes.. and nasty *cold* pool water.
And do you *think* we can get her out?
*laughs*
The brother is smarter - hes not so fond of cold water - and he stays outside of the pool, just splashing madly. Its enough to get him soaked, of course... but its the *principle* of the thing, right?
Picspam!!!!
because its been a long, long time....
First, a size comparison - yes, they have grown alot!
And - we got them a swimming pool!
A muddy, happy little boy....
and a sleepy little girl after a night of fun...
First, a size comparison - yes, they have grown alot!
And - we got them a swimming pool!
A muddy, happy little boy....
and a sleepy little girl after a night of fun...
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Really, really long.
But if you love me, please read this?
So, Ive always known that my mother drank during her pregnancy, and I always knew it had affected me. But it wasn’t until these last few days when I have actually looked into what it may have done, or not done.
The results shocked me down to my absolute core. And to some extent, I have spent the last few days just simply in shock.
Most people connect Fetal Alcohol Syndrome with an odd appearance (which I don’t have) or a low IQ (which I definitely don’t have) and so I suppose, at first glance, it would seem that it wasn’t an issue for me. Unless you really know the disease. Than, in all honesty? Its rather frighteningly obvious.
I think the biggest thing for me is the behavioral problems that are associated with it. The things that make day to day living a menace.
For example, memory problems.
Most people who know me know that I have memory problems. What they don’t understand is that this is what goes hand in hand with two other serious issues. One is the inability to get from fantasy, to reality. The other, is a serious issue with truth – to put it in other words, Im a compulsive liar.
Now, Ive worked bloody hard on this over the years. And to be honest, Ive come a long way. But No one is perfect, that’s for sure. And so, let me explain to you what happens.
Lets say Im supposed to do the laundry. I know I have to do the laundry, but Im busy doing something else. I promptly forget intirely that Im supposed to be doing the laundry, and it just doesn’t get done. You can actually look me in the face, ask me to do something, I will nod and assure you that I will do it – and I will have full intentions to do it. And I wont. I just simply wont remember. I wont remember what you said, I may not remember it even needs to get done, depending on how new the task is to me.
This quite often, kicks a part of my mind that I hate into action. This is the part of the equation where I lie. I don’t think about it, I don’t even mean to do it. It just *happens*. And it *sucks*.
The fantasy to reality thing Isnt so much a problem anymore. Except that the lies can sometimes get a little – stretched. But for the most part, I haven’t dealt with this one since highschool. Ive learned other ways to cope. They aren’t always ways that people who get to know me like or understand, but its far better than the alternative.
This of course, all gets wrapped up in the area of “poor reasoning and judgment skills” as well. I quite often do very stupid things. Or take chances that I shouldn’t. I know its wrong, but I still cant help myself from doing it. Just another little mental misfire that I hate.
This of course all makes maintaining friendships amazingly hard. People don’t want to be friends with someone who looks like a liar and glory hog. And I get that. And getting into a large group of people means more information thrown at me than I can handle at once, and therefore – I cant remember, and I get nervous, and the lies just start spinning out, and – Im almost helpless. Its possibly the most terrible thing in the world for me. And so I withdraw. I pull away from people and hide, because I cant deal with them the way I want to.
Anxiety and depression fit in there. When you know you cant deal well with people, it makes you not want to deal with people. You don’t want to lie. You don’t want to forget. But you know you will. You don’t want to do stupid things, but you know you will, and every social exposure becomes a landmine of risks and pitfalls that just isn’t worth it.
And ok – another symptom is the inability to read social cues as well. And to a great extent, years of counseling training has improved this. In theory, I know the cues. I can see the shifts of weight, the body postures, the placement of feet and hands, the expression on peoples faces... and still, a lot of the time, Im so nervous, and so wrapped up in my own little world, I just – steamroll right over it all.
Psychiatric and criminal issues follow. When you don’t remember what you’ve done a lot of the time, you can do some *really* stupid things. And when you have issues with risk taking, it gets much worse. Again, as Ive gotten older and more stable, this has by the most part fallen by the wayside. I don’t steal things anymore. I don’t spend a lot of time with criminals to get involved with things they might do.
The one that really stood out to me though? Was the inappropriately friendly with strangers. Again, it makes sense – the risk taking and the lack of memory, adding in the anxiety – yeah I can meet someone and within five minutes Ive told them my entire life story. Of course, the chance that Ive told them the *truth* is small. But that causes massive problems of its own. And I end up walking away feeling disgusted and angry with myself, wondering why I always do that and why I cant control my mouth.
Well – now I know.
Other issues that Ive seen? How about a difficulty with dealing with money? – Just look at my credit card problems and that becomes obvious. Or how about lack of control over my emotions? Oh yes - *all* of this is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, people. Its literally something I *cant* control.
Now – some interesting quotes… all are relative.
“Attachment disorders can be mild or severe. They can be caused by abuse, neglect, trauma of multiple placements, and/or lack of bonding with the primary caregiver. Attachment disorders can also be caused by alcohol exposure before birth.”
Yeah – does “lack of bonding” sound about right to you? On top of the FAS?
“At all ages, many children with FAS/E are overly friendly. They are too easily approached by strangers — anyone who talks to them at a bus stop is instantly their best friend. Their desire to be accepted, and their difficulty making good choices, means their peers or adults can easily lead them into inappropriate behaviour. This means that at all ages, these students require greater supervision than their peers.”
Apparently, inappropriate sexual behavior also falls into this. Again, thankfully, Ive found a safe outlet for that. Writing, is amazingly thereputic.
“Students with FAS/E often have memory problems. Like many students with learning disabilities, they may learn a concept one day, but the next day it is gone, only to reappear unexpectedly at some time in the future. Parents report that their child studies for hours for a social studies test, only to earn a failing mark the next day. Children with FAS/E may be able to recall the details of a camping trip from long ago, but not be able to remember what they had for lunch. They may be able to remember hockey statistics, but not multiplication tables. If they drop a pencil while working on a math sheet, they may have forgotten what they were doing or get lost in the middle of a problem by the time they get the pencil back. Even late in the school year, they may not remember their teacher’s name. “
Don’t ask me what my teachers names were, don’t ask me to tell you what I wrote yesterday… But I can tell you down to the last detail the dinner I ate on my wedding day, what happened when my mother died, I can even tell you a good deal of some other very random events….*shrugs* But don’t ask me how old I was when I graduated.
“Many students with FAS/E have difficulty learning mathematical skills. They may have problems with computations and problem solving and with the life-skills concepts of “time” and “money.”
Progressing through the mathematics curriculum involves:
• developing a “number” concept,
• rote knowledge for facts and algorithms (how to re-group to subtract, multiply, etc.),
• moving from computations with concrete materials to mental problem solving, and
• translating word problems into the correct sequence of computations. “
Math – ever met someone who failed the same math class *twice*? I did. My fabulous northern sister spent hours and hours tutoring me and trying to help me understand the most basic concepts. I would sit and cry, and get distracted, and cry some more. It was just impossible for me.
On the other side of things… some good news…
“Students with FAS/E can bring creative, musical and artistic gifts to your classroom. Although the participation of the student with FAS/E may sometimes be limited by the child's special needs, teachers can develop creative ways to include these individuals in the study of all fine arts subject areas. Many activities are as naturally integrative as the subject areas are to each other. Dance, drama, music and the visual arts are so rich in their experiences and forms of communication that a student with FAS/E should be included as much as possible.”
“A loving, nurturing and stable home life, without disruptions, harmful relationships or transient lifestyles, has also been shown to benefit children with fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. Those who live in abusive, unstable or violent environments are more likely to develop later behavioral problems.”
I owe my sister, and Dave Wood, and a few others my life. They made moments that should have been devastating to me stable, and solid. They were there to help me see truth when it was entirely obscured, and live in it. They gave me outlets into music, and writing, and the arts where I excelled. Im am so thankful that God put those people into my life.
But I cant help but lash out either, still coming to grips with all of this. There have been a lot of people in my life – trained in counseling and in mental illness. Both professionally, and socially.
Not one of these people managed to put two and two together and come up with this as a diagnoses. Ive even for years believes that I had “sociopathic tendencies” and never even thought that it was something just as simple as FAS, or FAE. And yes, Im furious. Ive been abandoned by friends more than once, just because they wouldn’t, or didn’t feel that it was important, to help me deal with these issues. And yet, a great deal of them were “trained” to see this people, and diagnose.
I cannot begin to explain how that makes me feel.
Right now, Im still trying to come to grips with all of this. To discover, after all these years, that so much of what Ive struggled with all my life is stuff I *cant* control. That people have demanded of me so much that I am incapable of giving. And that no one thought that maybe it *was* beyond me.
Im glad I know. I can learn new ways of dealing. Perhaps I can curb some of these instincts, now that I understand why it happens.
That being said, please don’t ask me to remember my laundry? It wont ever happen *bg*
In closing, just a few definitions and facts, me being the everloving researcher I am.
FAS: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Symptoms include small head/body, facial characteristics, brain damage
FAE: Fetal Alcohol Effects Symptoms usually not visible, such as behavior disorders, attention deficits
ARBD: Alcohol Related Birth Defects Anomalies such as heart defects, sight/hearing problems, joint anomalies, etc.
ARND: Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorders Disorders such as attention deficits, behavior disorders, obsessive/compulsive disorder, etc.
FASD: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders All of the disorders named above are contained in the spectrum. Full FAS comprises only about 10% of the spectrum. The other 90% may have fewer physical symptoms but are at greater risk for developing serious secondary conditions later. (Streissguth, 1997)
• FASD is the leading known cause of mental retardation.
• Most individuals with FASD have normal intelligence.
• FASD causes serious social and behavior problems.
• Each year in the US 5,000 babies are born with FAS.
• Five times as many are born with alcohol related disorders.
• No amount of alcohol is known to be safe during pregnancy.
• Alcohol causes more damage to baby than any other drug.
• FAS and related disorders are 100% preventable.
So, Ive always known that my mother drank during her pregnancy, and I always knew it had affected me. But it wasn’t until these last few days when I have actually looked into what it may have done, or not done.
The results shocked me down to my absolute core. And to some extent, I have spent the last few days just simply in shock.
Most people connect Fetal Alcohol Syndrome with an odd appearance (which I don’t have) or a low IQ (which I definitely don’t have) and so I suppose, at first glance, it would seem that it wasn’t an issue for me. Unless you really know the disease. Than, in all honesty? Its rather frighteningly obvious.
I think the biggest thing for me is the behavioral problems that are associated with it. The things that make day to day living a menace.
For example, memory problems.
Most people who know me know that I have memory problems. What they don’t understand is that this is what goes hand in hand with two other serious issues. One is the inability to get from fantasy, to reality. The other, is a serious issue with truth – to put it in other words, Im a compulsive liar.
Now, Ive worked bloody hard on this over the years. And to be honest, Ive come a long way. But No one is perfect, that’s for sure. And so, let me explain to you what happens.
Lets say Im supposed to do the laundry. I know I have to do the laundry, but Im busy doing something else. I promptly forget intirely that Im supposed to be doing the laundry, and it just doesn’t get done. You can actually look me in the face, ask me to do something, I will nod and assure you that I will do it – and I will have full intentions to do it. And I wont. I just simply wont remember. I wont remember what you said, I may not remember it even needs to get done, depending on how new the task is to me.
This quite often, kicks a part of my mind that I hate into action. This is the part of the equation where I lie. I don’t think about it, I don’t even mean to do it. It just *happens*. And it *sucks*.
The fantasy to reality thing Isnt so much a problem anymore. Except that the lies can sometimes get a little – stretched. But for the most part, I haven’t dealt with this one since highschool. Ive learned other ways to cope. They aren’t always ways that people who get to know me like or understand, but its far better than the alternative.
This of course, all gets wrapped up in the area of “poor reasoning and judgment skills” as well. I quite often do very stupid things. Or take chances that I shouldn’t. I know its wrong, but I still cant help myself from doing it. Just another little mental misfire that I hate.
This of course all makes maintaining friendships amazingly hard. People don’t want to be friends with someone who looks like a liar and glory hog. And I get that. And getting into a large group of people means more information thrown at me than I can handle at once, and therefore – I cant remember, and I get nervous, and the lies just start spinning out, and – Im almost helpless. Its possibly the most terrible thing in the world for me. And so I withdraw. I pull away from people and hide, because I cant deal with them the way I want to.
Anxiety and depression fit in there. When you know you cant deal well with people, it makes you not want to deal with people. You don’t want to lie. You don’t want to forget. But you know you will. You don’t want to do stupid things, but you know you will, and every social exposure becomes a landmine of risks and pitfalls that just isn’t worth it.
And ok – another symptom is the inability to read social cues as well. And to a great extent, years of counseling training has improved this. In theory, I know the cues. I can see the shifts of weight, the body postures, the placement of feet and hands, the expression on peoples faces... and still, a lot of the time, Im so nervous, and so wrapped up in my own little world, I just – steamroll right over it all.
Psychiatric and criminal issues follow. When you don’t remember what you’ve done a lot of the time, you can do some *really* stupid things. And when you have issues with risk taking, it gets much worse. Again, as Ive gotten older and more stable, this has by the most part fallen by the wayside. I don’t steal things anymore. I don’t spend a lot of time with criminals to get involved with things they might do.
The one that really stood out to me though? Was the inappropriately friendly with strangers. Again, it makes sense – the risk taking and the lack of memory, adding in the anxiety – yeah I can meet someone and within five minutes Ive told them my entire life story. Of course, the chance that Ive told them the *truth* is small. But that causes massive problems of its own. And I end up walking away feeling disgusted and angry with myself, wondering why I always do that and why I cant control my mouth.
Well – now I know.
Other issues that Ive seen? How about a difficulty with dealing with money? – Just look at my credit card problems and that becomes obvious. Or how about lack of control over my emotions? Oh yes - *all* of this is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, people. Its literally something I *cant* control.
Now – some interesting quotes… all are relative.
“Attachment disorders can be mild or severe. They can be caused by abuse, neglect, trauma of multiple placements, and/or lack of bonding with the primary caregiver. Attachment disorders can also be caused by alcohol exposure before birth.”
Yeah – does “lack of bonding” sound about right to you? On top of the FAS?
“At all ages, many children with FAS/E are overly friendly. They are too easily approached by strangers — anyone who talks to them at a bus stop is instantly their best friend. Their desire to be accepted, and their difficulty making good choices, means their peers or adults can easily lead them into inappropriate behaviour. This means that at all ages, these students require greater supervision than their peers.”
Apparently, inappropriate sexual behavior also falls into this. Again, thankfully, Ive found a safe outlet for that. Writing, is amazingly thereputic.
“Students with FAS/E often have memory problems. Like many students with learning disabilities, they may learn a concept one day, but the next day it is gone, only to reappear unexpectedly at some time in the future. Parents report that their child studies for hours for a social studies test, only to earn a failing mark the next day. Children with FAS/E may be able to recall the details of a camping trip from long ago, but not be able to remember what they had for lunch. They may be able to remember hockey statistics, but not multiplication tables. If they drop a pencil while working on a math sheet, they may have forgotten what they were doing or get lost in the middle of a problem by the time they get the pencil back. Even late in the school year, they may not remember their teacher’s name. “
Don’t ask me what my teachers names were, don’t ask me to tell you what I wrote yesterday… But I can tell you down to the last detail the dinner I ate on my wedding day, what happened when my mother died, I can even tell you a good deal of some other very random events….*shrugs* But don’t ask me how old I was when I graduated.
“Many students with FAS/E have difficulty learning mathematical skills. They may have problems with computations and problem solving and with the life-skills concepts of “time” and “money.”
Progressing through the mathematics curriculum involves:
• developing a “number” concept,
• rote knowledge for facts and algorithms (how to re-group to subtract, multiply, etc.),
• moving from computations with concrete materials to mental problem solving, and
• translating word problems into the correct sequence of computations. “
Math – ever met someone who failed the same math class *twice*? I did. My fabulous northern sister spent hours and hours tutoring me and trying to help me understand the most basic concepts. I would sit and cry, and get distracted, and cry some more. It was just impossible for me.
On the other side of things… some good news…
“Students with FAS/E can bring creative, musical and artistic gifts to your classroom. Although the participation of the student with FAS/E may sometimes be limited by the child's special needs, teachers can develop creative ways to include these individuals in the study of all fine arts subject areas. Many activities are as naturally integrative as the subject areas are to each other. Dance, drama, music and the visual arts are so rich in their experiences and forms of communication that a student with FAS/E should be included as much as possible.”
“A loving, nurturing and stable home life, without disruptions, harmful relationships or transient lifestyles, has also been shown to benefit children with fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. Those who live in abusive, unstable or violent environments are more likely to develop later behavioral problems.”
I owe my sister, and Dave Wood, and a few others my life. They made moments that should have been devastating to me stable, and solid. They were there to help me see truth when it was entirely obscured, and live in it. They gave me outlets into music, and writing, and the arts where I excelled. Im am so thankful that God put those people into my life.
But I cant help but lash out either, still coming to grips with all of this. There have been a lot of people in my life – trained in counseling and in mental illness. Both professionally, and socially.
Not one of these people managed to put two and two together and come up with this as a diagnoses. Ive even for years believes that I had “sociopathic tendencies” and never even thought that it was something just as simple as FAS, or FAE. And yes, Im furious. Ive been abandoned by friends more than once, just because they wouldn’t, or didn’t feel that it was important, to help me deal with these issues. And yet, a great deal of them were “trained” to see this people, and diagnose.
I cannot begin to explain how that makes me feel.
Right now, Im still trying to come to grips with all of this. To discover, after all these years, that so much of what Ive struggled with all my life is stuff I *cant* control. That people have demanded of me so much that I am incapable of giving. And that no one thought that maybe it *was* beyond me.
Im glad I know. I can learn new ways of dealing. Perhaps I can curb some of these instincts, now that I understand why it happens.
That being said, please don’t ask me to remember my laundry? It wont ever happen *bg*
In closing, just a few definitions and facts, me being the everloving researcher I am.
FAS: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Symptoms include small head/body, facial characteristics, brain damage
FAE: Fetal Alcohol Effects Symptoms usually not visible, such as behavior disorders, attention deficits
ARBD: Alcohol Related Birth Defects Anomalies such as heart defects, sight/hearing problems, joint anomalies, etc.
ARND: Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorders Disorders such as attention deficits, behavior disorders, obsessive/compulsive disorder, etc.
FASD: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders All of the disorders named above are contained in the spectrum. Full FAS comprises only about 10% of the spectrum. The other 90% may have fewer physical symptoms but are at greater risk for developing serious secondary conditions later. (Streissguth, 1997)
• FASD is the leading known cause of mental retardation.
• Most individuals with FASD have normal intelligence.
• FASD causes serious social and behavior problems.
• Each year in the US 5,000 babies are born with FAS.
• Five times as many are born with alcohol related disorders.
• No amount of alcohol is known to be safe during pregnancy.
• Alcohol causes more damage to baby than any other drug.
• FAS and related disorders are 100% preventable.
Unsure.
I was unsure of where to post this, on which blog. But since this isnt really a "rant" - Ive decided to post it here.
Im going to start with a postscript. Darling northern sister, You are going to be seriously upset if you read this. So dont, ok? Its me and my beleifs, on a topic that we *dont* agree on, so - just smile, wave, and walk on by.
Now that *thats* out of the way....
Jesus came, and died for everyone. Every single person on this planet. Who ever was, or ever will be. If you believe that, than you are saved. Period, end of story.
At least thats the general theory.
But scripture is pretty clear also that the gate is narrow, and that there are goats in amongst the sheep that are going to be separated out. People who think they are going to heaven, might not. Because theres still that one little hang up...
If you really love someone... your life is going to change. And in accepting Christs sacrifice, its pretty hard *not* to love Him. I mean, honestly - if someone had a gun to your head, and said "If someone doesnt take your place, Im firing in 3, 2, 1...." And this guy you never met before popped up and said "Shoot me instead" and *bam* that was that - You would probably do everything you could to get to know the guy after the fact. Because you would want to know *why* he did it. What made him tick?
And his life, would change the way you lived yours.
But where does love end, and manipulation start?
Am I counted more faithful, because I am unsure of my salvation, and still believe?
I am willing, in "theory" to serve Christ to the best of my abilities, and still go to hell. I know that is indeed what I deserve. But because I also know that faith like that is well - rather insane... do I say and believe that in an attempt to manipulate God into allowing me into heaven? Or would I truly be content?
Or am I simply recognizing the massive separation between my worthiness in action, in contrast to the Holiness and Exaltedness of God?
((for those who know me very well, both Max and Japheth are shaking their heads at me, just telling me Im over thinking something that *is* just faith, and I need to stop before I go mad))
I can confuse things further in that I, over the years, have come to believe a great deal in pre-destination. Ive met too many people who truly *want* a relationship with Christ, but simply cant seem to communicate with Him. They dont seem, no matter how much they seek and want it, to be able to find the rest and peace in the presence of God. And I know others, who shrink away from Him, and yet, cant help but seem to believe. Despite their own interests.
((sister dear, if you did read up to here, let me just say, that I respect your opinions, and your faith immeasurably, - but I believe that the reason why you believe the way *you* do? Is that you *were* chosen, and you know it, and you cant imagine life any other way. You have surrounded yourself with others like you. It is inconceivable to you, where you are, that God could *not* take someone to Him. and I get that... I really truly do ))
Lets face it - God does want everyone. He didnt die for just some people, and not others. He was brutally, and ... well.. He sacrificed *everything* for us. He has fought time and time and time and again for us just to love Him. He is the *ultimate* "boy next door". The one we see every day, but dont want.
But He isnt going to force Himself on us. If we dont want Him, he keeps that distance - polite and proper. He'll drop you a hint here and there, and the minute you start calling, He'll definitely answer...
But I suppose what Im wondering, is what exactly is *my* motive for calling? Is it truely out of love, or simply out of petty selfishness for want of a better life? Or better afterlife, as it is. Because there is *no* way that I can read into scripture that God wants us to be rich and fat and happy in *this* life. Hes far more interested in making us wise, and developing us into real people. And thats a painful, unpleasant process.
It demands poverty, and stress, and crosses to bear. It demands gifts to use, and things to give away, and sacrifices made. It means grief, and chaos, and loss. Because you certainly wont attain wisdom, if you dont *work* for it. Unless you are Solomon... you dont learn it by sitting around having a pretty boy/girl feeding you grapes all day.
Ive often said that no sane person would ever "choose" Christ. It just doesnt make sense. Because if we see life as finite, it isnt a good game plan. Only if we are indeed Eternal beings, does it push past the limits of reason and embrace *wisdom*. (because those two things, ala Jack Sparrow, are often at odds)
I suppose, really, what Im asking, is - *Does* God know that I love Him?
Do I *really* love Him? Or am I just - spouting off lip service and than just - going my own way?
Does the fact that Im even questioning this prove that I do, or is that just more manipulation?
How do I get past my dysfunction, to see what my real motive is?
any clues?
Im going to start with a postscript. Darling northern sister, You are going to be seriously upset if you read this. So dont, ok? Its me and my beleifs, on a topic that we *dont* agree on, so - just smile, wave, and walk on by.
Now that *thats* out of the way....
Jesus came, and died for everyone. Every single person on this planet. Who ever was, or ever will be. If you believe that, than you are saved. Period, end of story.
At least thats the general theory.
But scripture is pretty clear also that the gate is narrow, and that there are goats in amongst the sheep that are going to be separated out. People who think they are going to heaven, might not. Because theres still that one little hang up...
If you really love someone... your life is going to change. And in accepting Christs sacrifice, its pretty hard *not* to love Him. I mean, honestly - if someone had a gun to your head, and said "If someone doesnt take your place, Im firing in 3, 2, 1...." And this guy you never met before popped up and said "Shoot me instead" and *bam* that was that - You would probably do everything you could to get to know the guy after the fact. Because you would want to know *why* he did it. What made him tick?
And his life, would change the way you lived yours.
But where does love end, and manipulation start?
Am I counted more faithful, because I am unsure of my salvation, and still believe?
I am willing, in "theory" to serve Christ to the best of my abilities, and still go to hell. I know that is indeed what I deserve. But because I also know that faith like that is well - rather insane... do I say and believe that in an attempt to manipulate God into allowing me into heaven? Or would I truly be content?
Or am I simply recognizing the massive separation between my worthiness in action, in contrast to the Holiness and Exaltedness of God?
((for those who know me very well, both Max and Japheth are shaking their heads at me, just telling me Im over thinking something that *is* just faith, and I need to stop before I go mad))
I can confuse things further in that I, over the years, have come to believe a great deal in pre-destination. Ive met too many people who truly *want* a relationship with Christ, but simply cant seem to communicate with Him. They dont seem, no matter how much they seek and want it, to be able to find the rest and peace in the presence of God. And I know others, who shrink away from Him, and yet, cant help but seem to believe. Despite their own interests.
((sister dear, if you did read up to here, let me just say, that I respect your opinions, and your faith immeasurably, - but I believe that the reason why you believe the way *you* do? Is that you *were* chosen, and you know it, and you cant imagine life any other way. You have surrounded yourself with others like you. It is inconceivable to you, where you are, that God could *not* take someone to Him. and I get that... I really truly do ))
Lets face it - God does want everyone. He didnt die for just some people, and not others. He was brutally, and ... well.. He sacrificed *everything* for us. He has fought time and time and time and again for us just to love Him. He is the *ultimate* "boy next door". The one we see every day, but dont want.
But He isnt going to force Himself on us. If we dont want Him, he keeps that distance - polite and proper. He'll drop you a hint here and there, and the minute you start calling, He'll definitely answer...
But I suppose what Im wondering, is what exactly is *my* motive for calling? Is it truely out of love, or simply out of petty selfishness for want of a better life? Or better afterlife, as it is. Because there is *no* way that I can read into scripture that God wants us to be rich and fat and happy in *this* life. Hes far more interested in making us wise, and developing us into real people. And thats a painful, unpleasant process.
It demands poverty, and stress, and crosses to bear. It demands gifts to use, and things to give away, and sacrifices made. It means grief, and chaos, and loss. Because you certainly wont attain wisdom, if you dont *work* for it. Unless you are Solomon... you dont learn it by sitting around having a pretty boy/girl feeding you grapes all day.
Ive often said that no sane person would ever "choose" Christ. It just doesnt make sense. Because if we see life as finite, it isnt a good game plan. Only if we are indeed Eternal beings, does it push past the limits of reason and embrace *wisdom*. (because those two things, ala Jack Sparrow, are often at odds)
I suppose, really, what Im asking, is - *Does* God know that I love Him?
Do I *really* love Him? Or am I just - spouting off lip service and than just - going my own way?
Does the fact that Im even questioning this prove that I do, or is that just more manipulation?
How do I get past my dysfunction, to see what my real motive is?
any clues?
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Morning thoughts...
Ive lowered my dose from3 to 2, and am again starting to feel the effects of my temper. Im not in a *bad* mood, mind you. I just - react violently. So, I need to go back to 3, I think.
However, I have realized that if I could, or did actually exercise daily, I wouldnt need that third.
I probably wouldnt need any.
Its generally acknowledged, that people who exercise daily are happy people. I saw this when I worked at the gym. People would come in grumpy, tired and stressed, and leave happy, and with a much better outlook on the rest of thier day. Exercise, really, truely does help - and why I ceaseless forget this amazes me.
It made me think of Deadwood, and how the women of that time were very often drugged heavily, and I have to wonder if it had something to do with the fact that very few of them led anything that could be considered an active lifestyle.yet some of the most violent of the men were quite often mentally healthy and stable, able to reason easily - probably due to that more active lifestyle.
From there, I kinda went off in two different directions - the first, in keeping with that line, made me realize that a great deal of the opinions that the world puts on women are probably related to that. We are viewed as being highly emotional, irrational creatures - and the women who do the hardest physical labour, while often maligned by other women, are usually the clearest of thought. And the most content in thier own minds and bodies.
the second direction I went in, was how wildly the world has changed in general. 20 years ago, it was "Little House on the Prarie" and today, its "Deadwood". Take what you want from that as a sociatal commentary.
The long and short of it is that if Im having a bad day, I need to exercise. If Im feeling violent and angry, I need to exercise. If Im dark and brooding and depressed? I need to exercise.
Why should I do with chemicles, what I can do naturally, and healthfully? Our bodies were not meant to sit in one place- they were built to be active, to move and to *do*. Denying that denies our very existence, really. So the next time you feel like your having just a terrible day? Go for a walk. You may be *really* surprised at how much it helps.
Which also makes me think about another friend or two. Quite often people who have mental illness - depression, in my case - *like* to walk. THey walk *alot*. In fact, The drive to *move* in these people is sometimes quite extreme. I wonder if that is thier bodies way of saying "You have something wrong with you, and this is how we fix it?"
*shrugs*
Just a thought.
Yeah - this is my mind first thing in the morning. I start my day curing depression and looking at the failings of society... all before Im really even awake. Can you *imagine* the thoughts I have when Im actually functioning?
However, I have realized that if I could, or did actually exercise daily, I wouldnt need that third.
I probably wouldnt need any.
Its generally acknowledged, that people who exercise daily are happy people. I saw this when I worked at the gym. People would come in grumpy, tired and stressed, and leave happy, and with a much better outlook on the rest of thier day. Exercise, really, truely does help - and why I ceaseless forget this amazes me.
It made me think of Deadwood, and how the women of that time were very often drugged heavily, and I have to wonder if it had something to do with the fact that very few of them led anything that could be considered an active lifestyle.yet some of the most violent of the men were quite often mentally healthy and stable, able to reason easily - probably due to that more active lifestyle.
From there, I kinda went off in two different directions - the first, in keeping with that line, made me realize that a great deal of the opinions that the world puts on women are probably related to that. We are viewed as being highly emotional, irrational creatures - and the women who do the hardest physical labour, while often maligned by other women, are usually the clearest of thought. And the most content in thier own minds and bodies.
the second direction I went in, was how wildly the world has changed in general. 20 years ago, it was "Little House on the Prarie" and today, its "Deadwood". Take what you want from that as a sociatal commentary.
The long and short of it is that if Im having a bad day, I need to exercise. If Im feeling violent and angry, I need to exercise. If Im dark and brooding and depressed? I need to exercise.
Why should I do with chemicles, what I can do naturally, and healthfully? Our bodies were not meant to sit in one place- they were built to be active, to move and to *do*. Denying that denies our very existence, really. So the next time you feel like your having just a terrible day? Go for a walk. You may be *really* surprised at how much it helps.
Which also makes me think about another friend or two. Quite often people who have mental illness - depression, in my case - *like* to walk. THey walk *alot*. In fact, The drive to *move* in these people is sometimes quite extreme. I wonder if that is thier bodies way of saying "You have something wrong with you, and this is how we fix it?"
*shrugs*
Just a thought.
Yeah - this is my mind first thing in the morning. I start my day curing depression and looking at the failings of society... all before Im really even awake. Can you *imagine* the thoughts I have when Im actually functioning?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Blah
Heavier today than I ever have been before, and Im very discouraged. Ive got a pretty good idea as to *why* Im gaining. It includes lack of gym time, and too many sedentary hobbies - including WoW, (yes Im playing again - why do I feel like Ive just confessed to smoking crack?) Cross stitch (at least that one is *productive*) Constant chatting (at least with that, I can do sit ups between responses - as long as Im not doing cross-stitch or WoW at the time) and ummm - evening activities that make me consume far too much crap food.
Bah.
I am fully disgusted with myself.
must fix.
Bah.
I am fully disgusted with myself.
must fix.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Rants # 2875 & 2876
#2875 - Internet Quizzes.
Are we so insecure, and know so little about ourselves that we need a perfect stranger, with crappy reasoning methods, to tell us what kind of cupcake we are?
As of this moment, Im breaking my addiction. The only people in the world who need to know who I am, already do.
And If *I* dont know what kind of mental illness I have, what kind of socks I should be wearing, or What Decepticon I am - Than I either am very dumb, or dont need to know.
#2876 - Summer movies.
Micheal Bay is not doing any more Transformers movies, because he doesnt like the things people say about them. This bothers me.
I do not watch summer blockbusters for the plot. I dont watch them for the philosophy. I do not watch them to think.
If Im going to shell out good money in July, to go and see a movie, I want it to be full of pretty people doing stupid things - perferably with lots of explosions and fighting. If they can work swords into the equation, I am beyond pleased.
Transformers is a movie about talking robots who want to take over the earth. If you want anything philosophical, or deep out of that, than you need to go take a few more internet quizzes, k?
Are we so insecure, and know so little about ourselves that we need a perfect stranger, with crappy reasoning methods, to tell us what kind of cupcake we are?
As of this moment, Im breaking my addiction. The only people in the world who need to know who I am, already do.
And If *I* dont know what kind of mental illness I have, what kind of socks I should be wearing, or What Decepticon I am - Than I either am very dumb, or dont need to know.
#2876 - Summer movies.
Micheal Bay is not doing any more Transformers movies, because he doesnt like the things people say about them. This bothers me.
I do not watch summer blockbusters for the plot. I dont watch them for the philosophy. I do not watch them to think.
If Im going to shell out good money in July, to go and see a movie, I want it to be full of pretty people doing stupid things - perferably with lots of explosions and fighting. If they can work swords into the equation, I am beyond pleased.
Transformers is a movie about talking robots who want to take over the earth. If you want anything philosophical, or deep out of that, than you need to go take a few more internet quizzes, k?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Dark.
Very, very dark.
Ive been getting better, I think. Im actually motivated to do things. I want to clean my house again, I want to move again, and eat healthfully. And its not just wanting, its actually moving into practice, which is a huge thing.
But at the same time, I havent left the house in almost 2 weeks, and I keep making excuses not to. Its easy enough to do. Its not that it scares me, its just that I dont like it. Its fake, and hard, and if I could avoid people for the rest of my life, I think I would.
Its that, and my writing that tells me how deeply depressed I still am. I wrote three little "blurbs" this morning. Most of my characters seem to be going through identity crisis of some kind. I suppose its just where I am. But I dont like it. I dont like this dark wondering and feeling of being trapped in a mental darkness that I cant escape.
One muse, wants to know who she is, one, wants contact, and one wants not just pleasure, but joy.
One, that I didnt "blurb" for, and should have, just wants his identity back.
Similer as the first, but not really.
Reality is getting ugly again.
Ive been getting better, I think. Im actually motivated to do things. I want to clean my house again, I want to move again, and eat healthfully. And its not just wanting, its actually moving into practice, which is a huge thing.
But at the same time, I havent left the house in almost 2 weeks, and I keep making excuses not to. Its easy enough to do. Its not that it scares me, its just that I dont like it. Its fake, and hard, and if I could avoid people for the rest of my life, I think I would.
Its that, and my writing that tells me how deeply depressed I still am. I wrote three little "blurbs" this morning. Most of my characters seem to be going through identity crisis of some kind. I suppose its just where I am. But I dont like it. I dont like this dark wondering and feeling of being trapped in a mental darkness that I cant escape.
One muse, wants to know who she is, one, wants contact, and one wants not just pleasure, but joy.
One, that I didnt "blurb" for, and should have, just wants his identity back.
Similer as the first, but not really.
Reality is getting ugly again.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Feel like a broken record...
But honestly, people - what does it take to live the life you really want to live? Other than probably more time in a day than there is. I dont want to be mediocre. I dont want to just - watch my life go by. But Im tired, and Im sick, and ... I guess Im not sure I have the courage necessary.
Its not like I want anything that needs alot of money. Its not even that the life I want to lead is... complicated.
And yet here I stand, (or sit, rather) once again at my computer whining about how Im not happy with the way things are.
Its like - pulling on data from a previous post, every once in a while my Id and Super-ego get together and gang up on my ego.
THey want fresh air and a breeze, they want prayer and they want physical activity. They want the house empty of "crap" and my children tought lessons in stillness, patience, and contentment. They want me to clean house and bake bread and quit being so wishy washy about - well - *everything*.
But the ego is tired, and sick, and lonely.
The super-ego wants to take the kids out - go shopping, get things done.
The Id wants to take them to the park, let them run around like mad things and be free.
The ego wants to go back to bed and stay there. It wants a child free day. It wants a day without tears and cartoons and demands.
It wants to figure out exactly where and what *it* wants *laughs*.
Oh, I know I sound intirely dissociative and psycho here.... And maybe I am, who knows... but I dont really recognize them as different "people" - just facets of one singular personality.
A personality that is all too human, with a dark side, and the Holy Spirit inhabiting it. Its probably why the "darker" side and the more spiritual side have such similer plans and goals.
I wonder if that concept of true inner peace, is simply when the Id, Ego, and Super-Ego all finally "merge". And I think that is the true, life long struggle. When your parts finally become one united whole, than...you have real peace. True understanding.
My Id and ego are so very close together... Well, more than most people, I think. Oh they dont *look* the same. *laughs* but what they want from life is remarkably alike.
Its just "me" who - isnt fitting with the plan. And maybe thats why I struggle *so* hard, and am so very aware of it. I think if your Id and super ego dont agree, its almost easier. Than you just have to choose between "wrong" and "right". But I dont have that. Instead, I have more a conflict between my "outside" influences, and the pull of those two... What other people expect of me, and what *I* expect of me.
Unless... Unless my "Id" isnt so much of what I think it is, and in reality, its just a lazy, slovenly, dirty *Mess*. But that doesnt really sound right. That... to me just sounds like "depression" - squared. Its why the house is cleaner where I "live" the most, because I cant *handle* that mess so much. No - thats not really me... its just - another outside influence.
*laughs* its really hard to have a mess, and clutter, when you really dont want to own much *laughs* when your whole desire is to be in that small emptly space with just a laptop and an ipod and a bible. (or alternatively, a wide open empty space, with a laptop, an ipod, and a bible *laughs*)
So I think, my first real step, each day, has to banishing the depression. FInding a way to overcome its effects. And I do recognize that a good chunk of that is both getting outside, getting exercise, and reading my bible.
*sighs*
Worship.
Fellowship.
Discipline.
It always comes back to those three.
Its not like I want anything that needs alot of money. Its not even that the life I want to lead is... complicated.
And yet here I stand, (or sit, rather) once again at my computer whining about how Im not happy with the way things are.
Its like - pulling on data from a previous post, every once in a while my Id and Super-ego get together and gang up on my ego.
THey want fresh air and a breeze, they want prayer and they want physical activity. They want the house empty of "crap" and my children tought lessons in stillness, patience, and contentment. They want me to clean house and bake bread and quit being so wishy washy about - well - *everything*.
But the ego is tired, and sick, and lonely.
The super-ego wants to take the kids out - go shopping, get things done.
The Id wants to take them to the park, let them run around like mad things and be free.
The ego wants to go back to bed and stay there. It wants a child free day. It wants a day without tears and cartoons and demands.
It wants to figure out exactly where and what *it* wants *laughs*.
Oh, I know I sound intirely dissociative and psycho here.... And maybe I am, who knows... but I dont really recognize them as different "people" - just facets of one singular personality.
A personality that is all too human, with a dark side, and the Holy Spirit inhabiting it. Its probably why the "darker" side and the more spiritual side have such similer plans and goals.
I wonder if that concept of true inner peace, is simply when the Id, Ego, and Super-Ego all finally "merge". And I think that is the true, life long struggle. When your parts finally become one united whole, than...you have real peace. True understanding.
My Id and ego are so very close together... Well, more than most people, I think. Oh they dont *look* the same. *laughs* but what they want from life is remarkably alike.
Its just "me" who - isnt fitting with the plan. And maybe thats why I struggle *so* hard, and am so very aware of it. I think if your Id and super ego dont agree, its almost easier. Than you just have to choose between "wrong" and "right". But I dont have that. Instead, I have more a conflict between my "outside" influences, and the pull of those two... What other people expect of me, and what *I* expect of me.
Unless... Unless my "Id" isnt so much of what I think it is, and in reality, its just a lazy, slovenly, dirty *Mess*. But that doesnt really sound right. That... to me just sounds like "depression" - squared. Its why the house is cleaner where I "live" the most, because I cant *handle* that mess so much. No - thats not really me... its just - another outside influence.
*laughs* its really hard to have a mess, and clutter, when you really dont want to own much *laughs* when your whole desire is to be in that small emptly space with just a laptop and an ipod and a bible. (or alternatively, a wide open empty space, with a laptop, an ipod, and a bible *laughs*)
So I think, my first real step, each day, has to banishing the depression. FInding a way to overcome its effects. And I do recognize that a good chunk of that is both getting outside, getting exercise, and reading my bible.
*sighs*
Worship.
Fellowship.
Discipline.
It always comes back to those three.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
written last night... Psi, about Ben.
"I do not want, what I cannot have. And what I have, I will never want for.
And what I need, will never be taken from me
I do not want him. Not any more than I want ... water.. or oxygen.
He is - like those things, to me
Wether I want or not, no matter.
I must have to survive"
now *that* - is what love should feel like.
And what I need, will never be taken from me
I do not want him. Not any more than I want ... water.. or oxygen.
He is - like those things, to me
Wether I want or not, no matter.
I must have to survive"
now *that* - is what love should feel like.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
My American Idol Rant.
because sooner or later, you all knew I had to have one.
Let me start with this. American Idol, will *NEVER* actually crown a truly talented, amazing artist. Its impossible.
Dont get me wrong, the new Pocket Idol King is adorable, talented, and - yes, amazing.
But... but.... just. But.
It comes down to this. True, real talent alienates people. Its why we have genres, Its why we have cliques. Its why we have the term "hidden diamonds". It inspires people to truly *worship* their idols. And unfortunately, that means that "popular vote" is the distinct and absolute antithesis of the raw, primal power that comes with a true "idol".
Chris Allan managed to take genre songs, and make them - palatable to the masses. That in and of itself takes great talent - probably greatly *underestimated* talent. But Adam Lambert took a widely popular song, and turned it into a genre specific masterpiece (Ring of Fire).
Adam Lambert, by definition, is an idol - he invokes great passionate hate, or love in people.
Kris Allan, by definition, just isnt.
This, in many ways, is also why the concept of Democracy fails.
By depending on popular vote, you are only going to appeal to a certain type of person to start with. And than, to have a platform that appeals to enough people, you cannot incite real passion in people, because if you do, you will separate yourself too much from the norm.
But, I suppose - Kris Allan is certainly a "safe" god to worship. A generic, white bread god with no real power over hearts or minds. That will allow you to continue your merry way with a bit more spring in your step.
Just like the "God" of America, really.
A real Idol? A true "God"? once again, I go back to my ever favorite, CS Lewis, in chronicles of Narnia.
"Safe? Of course He's not safe! But He's *good*.
All Hail the top 4 who *didnt win*
For those who are not generic enough to win the full vote.
Danny Gokey, who inspired me to new levels of distaste and distrust.
Allison Iraheta, who actually made me *want* to like her.
Matt Giraud, who is probably just deeply enough niche'd into genre to have staying power in today's culture.
And yes, All hail Adam Lambert, who inspired enough passion in the people to keep him there, but wasnt generic enough to win.
I'll be waiting on that album.
Let me start with this. American Idol, will *NEVER* actually crown a truly talented, amazing artist. Its impossible.
Dont get me wrong, the new Pocket Idol King is adorable, talented, and - yes, amazing.
But... but.... just. But.
It comes down to this. True, real talent alienates people. Its why we have genres, Its why we have cliques. Its why we have the term "hidden diamonds". It inspires people to truly *worship* their idols. And unfortunately, that means that "popular vote" is the distinct and absolute antithesis of the raw, primal power that comes with a true "idol".
Chris Allan managed to take genre songs, and make them - palatable to the masses. That in and of itself takes great talent - probably greatly *underestimated* talent. But Adam Lambert took a widely popular song, and turned it into a genre specific masterpiece (Ring of Fire).
Adam Lambert, by definition, is an idol - he invokes great passionate hate, or love in people.
Kris Allan, by definition, just isnt.
This, in many ways, is also why the concept of Democracy fails.
By depending on popular vote, you are only going to appeal to a certain type of person to start with. And than, to have a platform that appeals to enough people, you cannot incite real passion in people, because if you do, you will separate yourself too much from the norm.
But, I suppose - Kris Allan is certainly a "safe" god to worship. A generic, white bread god with no real power over hearts or minds. That will allow you to continue your merry way with a bit more spring in your step.
Just like the "God" of America, really.
A real Idol? A true "God"? once again, I go back to my ever favorite, CS Lewis, in chronicles of Narnia.
"Safe? Of course He's not safe! But He's *good*.
All Hail the top 4 who *didnt win*
For those who are not generic enough to win the full vote.
Danny Gokey, who inspired me to new levels of distaste and distrust.
Allison Iraheta, who actually made me *want* to like her.
Matt Giraud, who is probably just deeply enough niche'd into genre to have staying power in today's culture.
And yes, All hail Adam Lambert, who inspired enough passion in the people to keep him there, but wasnt generic enough to win.
I'll be waiting on that album.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Ahhh - the days of our lives....
Little boy wonders up to me, wearing daddies (thankfully clean) underwear on his head.
Little girl, looking at her brother saying "stinky" over and over and over.
Little boy, stealing his sisters yogurt, and than dripping it all over the floor because he still hasnt *quite* conquered the art of 1) holding something upright, and 2) getting spoon to mouth without tipping it. So, theres more yogurt on the floor, and on him, than is getting to his mouth, but he looks *so* proud of himself....
Little girl, hitting her brother repeatedly on his head with an empty pop bottle.
Little boy, just standing there, smiling, taking it.
Worlds most expensive entertainment system - yes.
But oh so very worth it.
Little girl, looking at her brother saying "stinky" over and over and over.
Little boy, stealing his sisters yogurt, and than dripping it all over the floor because he still hasnt *quite* conquered the art of 1) holding something upright, and 2) getting spoon to mouth without tipping it. So, theres more yogurt on the floor, and on him, than is getting to his mouth, but he looks *so* proud of himself....
Little girl, hitting her brother repeatedly on his head with an empty pop bottle.
Little boy, just standing there, smiling, taking it.
Worlds most expensive entertainment system - yes.
But oh so very worth it.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Blog as someone else day.....
Akiva Grace Romeo...
OK, this whole poop thing - I dont like it. At all. Totally inconvenient, and messy. I dont like messy. I like things where I want them, and mama takes things away from where I want them when theres poop involved.
And dont get me started on water. Whats the deal here? Everywhere I go theres water, and yeah, its fun but... being wet - not fun. Being wet and cold? Not fun. Having water poured on you? not fun. Mamas insane, I *know* it, because she does it *every*day*.
What does "seriously" mean and why does daddy laugh so hard when I say it?
Is there any way I could convince mama just to dump my cheerios in chcocolate and let me live on that? I mean, the oatmeals ok, and the yogurt - oh right.. yogurt... umm yeah, cheerios in chocolate and yogurt...
But the fruit cups? ugh.
Little brother - I want to feed you something.....
Why is it, when he kicks me, its funny, but when I kick him, he cries?
Pizza.. Id have to keep pizza.
and I want it all outside. Dont like inside. Even the wet outside is different. I say, we all just live outside from now on. Much better.
Me and pliglet, and beeca, and Dade.
yeah.
OK, this whole poop thing - I dont like it. At all. Totally inconvenient, and messy. I dont like messy. I like things where I want them, and mama takes things away from where I want them when theres poop involved.
And dont get me started on water. Whats the deal here? Everywhere I go theres water, and yeah, its fun but... being wet - not fun. Being wet and cold? Not fun. Having water poured on you? not fun. Mamas insane, I *know* it, because she does it *every*day*.
What does "seriously" mean and why does daddy laugh so hard when I say it?
Is there any way I could convince mama just to dump my cheerios in chcocolate and let me live on that? I mean, the oatmeals ok, and the yogurt - oh right.. yogurt... umm yeah, cheerios in chocolate and yogurt...
But the fruit cups? ugh.
Little brother - I want to feed you something.....
Why is it, when he kicks me, its funny, but when I kick him, he cries?
Pizza.. Id have to keep pizza.
and I want it all outside. Dont like inside. Even the wet outside is different. I say, we all just live outside from now on. Much better.
Me and pliglet, and beeca, and Dade.
yeah.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Since it has been requested
by various individuals... here is our current movie list, starting with Kids films.
1. 101 Dalmations (cartoon)
2. 101 Dalmations (live)
3. A Bugs Life
4. Alvin and the Chipmunks
5. Aladdin
6. Anastasia
7. Aristocats
8. Baby Bach
9. Baby Beethoven
10. Baby Da Vinci
11. Baby Mozart
12. Babies Favorite Places
13. Baby Wordsworth
14. Baby’s Neighborhood Animals
15. Baby Neptune
16. Baby Noah
17. Baby Numbers
18. Baby On the Go
19. Baby Van Gogh
20. Baby Shakespeare
21. Baby Shapes
22. Beauty and the Beast
23. Bob The Builder
24. Bolt
25. Cars
26. Dr. Dolittle
27. Dumbo
28. Finding Nemo
29. Flushed Away
30. Freaky Friday
31. The Golden Compass
32. The Goofy Movie
33. Happy Feet
34. Hook
35. Ice Age
36. Ice Age 2
37. Igor
38. Jungle Book
39. Kung-fu Panda
40. Lady and the Tramp
41. Labyrinth
42. The Lion King
43. The Little Mermaid
44. Madagascar 2
45. Monsters Inc.
46. Mulan
47. Narnia
48. Narnia Prince Caspian
49. Night at the Museum
50. Over the Hedge
51. The Prince of Egypt
52. The Princess Bride
53. Ratatuoie
54. Shrek
55. Shrek 2
56. Shrek the Third
57. Shrek the Halls
58. Sleeping Beauty
59. Spiderwick Chronicles
60. Tinkerbell
61. Treasure Planet
62. Veggietales- Larry-boy and the Rumour Weed
63. Veggietales – Josh and the Great Big Wall
64. Veggietales – Rack, Shack and Benny
65. Veggietales- Ether: The Girl who became Queen
66. Veggietales – Sumo of the Opera
67. Veggietales – King George and the Duckie
68. Veggietales – The Ballad of Little Joe
69. Veggietales- Lord of the Beans
70. Veggietales – Gideon: Tuba Warrior
71. Veggie Tales Sing Along- I can be your friend
72. Veggietales Sing Along – Dance of the Cucumber
73. Veggie Tales – Minnisota Cuke and the Search for Samsons Hairbrush
74. Veggietales- Big River Rescue
75. Veggietales – Sheerluck Holmes and the case of the Golden Ruler
76. Veggietales- The Wizard of Has
77. Veggietales – Lyle the Friendly Viking
78. Veggitales Movie – Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything
79. Veggietales Movie – Jonah and the Whale
80. Wall-E
81. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
TV Series...
1. 24- Season 1
2. 24- Season 2
3. 24- Season 3
4. 24- Season 4
5. Angel – Season 1
6. Angel – Season 2
7. Angel – Season 3
8. Angel – Season 4
9. Angel – Season5
10. Bones - Season 1
11. Bones - Season 2
12. Bones – Season 3
13. Buffy- Season 1
14. Buffy- Season 2
15. Buffy- Season 3
16. Buffy- Season 4
17. Buffy- Season 5
18. Buffy- Season 6
19. CSI- Season 1
20. CSI- Season 2
21. CSI- Season 3
22. CSI- Season 4
23. CSI- Season 5
24. CSI- Season 6
25. CSI- Season 7
26. Desperate Housewives - Season 1
27. Desperate Housewives - Season 2
28. Desperate Housewives-Season 3
29. Desperate Housewives – Season 4
30. Firefly
31. Frasier - Season 1
32. Frasier - Season 2
33. Frasier - Season 3
34. Frasier - Season 5
35. Frasier – Season 6
36. Frasier – Season7
37. Frasier – Season 8
38. Frasier – Season9
39. Frasier – Season 10
40. Frasier – Season 11
41. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 1
42. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 2
43. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 3
44. Grey’s Anatomy – Season 4
45. Highlander- Season 1
46. Highlander- Season 2
47. Highlander- Season 3
48. Highlander- Season 4
49. Highlander - Season 5
50. Highlander the Raven
51. MacGyver – Season 1
52. Miami Vice- Season 1
53. Miami Vice- Season 2
54. Miami Vice – Season 3
55. Miami Vice – Season 4
56. Numbers – Season 1
57. Supernatural- Season 1
58. Supernatural- Season 2
59. Supernatural – Season 3
60. Veronica Mars – Season 1
61. Veronica Mars – Season2
62. Veronica Mars – Season3
63. X-Files Season 1
64. X-Files- Season 2
65. X-Files- Season 3
66. X-Files- Season 4
67. X-Files- Season 5
68. X-Files- Season 6
69. X-Files – Season 7
70. X-Files- Season 8
71. X-Files- Season 9
and movies....
1. 2 Fast 2 Furious
2. 8 Seconds
3. 10 Things I Hate About You
4. A Chorus Line
5. American Sweethearts
6. Antitrust
7. Arachniphobia
8. Armageddon
9. Art of Trials
10. August Rush
11. Australia
12. Bad Boys
13. Bad Boys 2
14. Basic Yoga for Dummies
15. Batman Begins
16. Batman The Dark Knight
17. Batman Forever
18. Benny and Joon
19. The Big Hit
20. Blade
21. Blade 3
22. Bourne Identity
23. Bourne Conspiracy
24. Bourne Supremacy
25. Bowling for Columbine
26. Braveheart
27. Bride Wars
28. Bringing Out the Dead
29. Brothers Grim
30. Bruce Almighty
31. The Bucket List
32. Casablanca
33. Casanova
34. Casino Royale
35. Chocolat
36. Chronicles of Riddick
37. Constantine
38. Cool Hand Luke
39. Crank
40. The Crow
41. The Devil Wears Prada
42. Death Race
43. Die Hard
44. Die Harder
45. Die Hard with a Vengeance
46. Die Hard or Live Free
47. Dirty Dancing
48. Dracula
49. Earthed
50. Eight Legged Freaks
51. Elizabeth
52. Elizabeth The Golden Years
53. Elizabethtown
54. Ever After
55. Evolution
56. Face Off
57. Fast and Furious
58. Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
59. Fifth Element
60. Finding Neverland
61. Flatliners
62. Fried Green Tomatoes
63. From Hell
64. Gladiator
65. The Golden Compass
66. Gone in 60 Seconds
67. Graffiti Bridge
68. Grease
69. The Green Mile
70. Gremlins
71. Hackers
72. Hairspray
73. Hamlet
74. Hancock
75. Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone
76. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
77. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
78. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
79. Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
80. Hitch
81. The Hulk
82. The Imposters
83. The Incredible Hulk
84. Independence Day
85. Indiana Jones
86. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
87. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
88. Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
89. Interview with the Vampire
90. I Robot
91. Italian Job
92. Ironman
93. Jurassic Park
94. Jurassic Park: The Lost World
95. Jurassic Park:3
96. Kingdom of Heaven
97. King Kong
98. A Knights Tale
99. Lake Placid
100. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
101. The Legend of Zorro
102. Lethal Weapon 1
103. Lethal Weapon 2
104. Lethal Weapon 3
105. Lethal Weapon 4
106. Liar Liar
107. Life as a House
108. Lifted
109. Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring
110. Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers
111. Lord of the Rings- Return of the King
112. Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring (extended)
113. Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers (extended)
114. Lord of the Rings- Return of the King (Extended)
115. Lost Boys
116. Luther
117. Mama Mia
118. Matrix
119. Maverick
120. M.I.B.
121. The Mexican
122. Memoirs of a Geisha
123. Miami Vice
124. A Midsummer’s Night Dream
125. Moulin Rouge
126. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
127. The Mummy
128. The Mummy Returns
129. The Musketeer
130. National Treasure
131. National Treasure 2
132. The Nativity Story
133. One Night at McCools
134. Notting Hill
135. Oceans 11
136. Oceans 12
137. Oceans 13
138. Office Space
139. Once Upon a Time in Mexico
140. The Other Boleyn Girl
141. The Passion
142. The Pianist
143. Phantom of the Opera
144. Pitch Black
145. Pilates- Intermediate
146. Pilates for Beginners
147. Pirates of the Caribbean – Curse of the Black Pearl
148. Pirates of the Caribbean- Dead Mans Chest
149. Pirates of the Caribbean – At Worlds End
150. Pride and Prejudice
151. The Punisher
152. The Queen
153. Queen of the Damned
154. Quantum of Solace
155. Ray
156. Rent
157. The Rock
158. Rumour has it
159. Rush Hour
160. The Saint
161. Serenity
162. Shawshank Redemption
163. The Simpsons Movie
164. Singing in the Rain
165. Snake Eyes
166. Someone Like You
167. Speed
168. Spiderman 1
169. Spiderman 2
170. Spiderman 3
171. Spaceballs
172. Stargate
173. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
174. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones
175. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
176. Star Wars- A New Hope (VHS- Original Cut)
177. Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back (VHS- Original Cut)
178. Star Wars- Return of the Jedi (VHS-Original Cut)
179. Star Wars- A New Hope
180. Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back
181. Star Wars- Return of the Jedi
182. Step Up
183. Sweeny Todd
184. Superman Returns
185. Take the Lead
186. Terminator 2: Rise of the Machines
187. The Three Musketeers
188. Three to Tango
189. Transformers
190. The Transporter
191. Transporter 2
192. Twister
193. Uncle Buck
194. Underworld
195. Van Helsing
196. V for Vendetta
197. Waiting
198. Walk the line
199. A Walk in the Clouds
200. Wanted
201. What Women Want
202. White Christmas
203. With Honors
204. X-Men
205. X-Men United
206. X-Men- The Last Stand
207. xXx
yes, I am aware, its alot.
1. 101 Dalmations (cartoon)
2. 101 Dalmations (live)
3. A Bugs Life
4. Alvin and the Chipmunks
5. Aladdin
6. Anastasia
7. Aristocats
8. Baby Bach
9. Baby Beethoven
10. Baby Da Vinci
11. Baby Mozart
12. Babies Favorite Places
13. Baby Wordsworth
14. Baby’s Neighborhood Animals
15. Baby Neptune
16. Baby Noah
17. Baby Numbers
18. Baby On the Go
19. Baby Van Gogh
20. Baby Shakespeare
21. Baby Shapes
22. Beauty and the Beast
23. Bob The Builder
24. Bolt
25. Cars
26. Dr. Dolittle
27. Dumbo
28. Finding Nemo
29. Flushed Away
30. Freaky Friday
31. The Golden Compass
32. The Goofy Movie
33. Happy Feet
34. Hook
35. Ice Age
36. Ice Age 2
37. Igor
38. Jungle Book
39. Kung-fu Panda
40. Lady and the Tramp
41. Labyrinth
42. The Lion King
43. The Little Mermaid
44. Madagascar 2
45. Monsters Inc.
46. Mulan
47. Narnia
48. Narnia Prince Caspian
49. Night at the Museum
50. Over the Hedge
51. The Prince of Egypt
52. The Princess Bride
53. Ratatuoie
54. Shrek
55. Shrek 2
56. Shrek the Third
57. Shrek the Halls
58. Sleeping Beauty
59. Spiderwick Chronicles
60. Tinkerbell
61. Treasure Planet
62. Veggietales- Larry-boy and the Rumour Weed
63. Veggietales – Josh and the Great Big Wall
64. Veggietales – Rack, Shack and Benny
65. Veggietales- Ether: The Girl who became Queen
66. Veggietales – Sumo of the Opera
67. Veggietales – King George and the Duckie
68. Veggietales – The Ballad of Little Joe
69. Veggietales- Lord of the Beans
70. Veggietales – Gideon: Tuba Warrior
71. Veggie Tales Sing Along- I can be your friend
72. Veggietales Sing Along – Dance of the Cucumber
73. Veggie Tales – Minnisota Cuke and the Search for Samsons Hairbrush
74. Veggietales- Big River Rescue
75. Veggietales – Sheerluck Holmes and the case of the Golden Ruler
76. Veggietales- The Wizard of Has
77. Veggietales – Lyle the Friendly Viking
78. Veggitales Movie – Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything
79. Veggietales Movie – Jonah and the Whale
80. Wall-E
81. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
TV Series...
1. 24- Season 1
2. 24- Season 2
3. 24- Season 3
4. 24- Season 4
5. Angel – Season 1
6. Angel – Season 2
7. Angel – Season 3
8. Angel – Season 4
9. Angel – Season5
10. Bones - Season 1
11. Bones - Season 2
12. Bones – Season 3
13. Buffy- Season 1
14. Buffy- Season 2
15. Buffy- Season 3
16. Buffy- Season 4
17. Buffy- Season 5
18. Buffy- Season 6
19. CSI- Season 1
20. CSI- Season 2
21. CSI- Season 3
22. CSI- Season 4
23. CSI- Season 5
24. CSI- Season 6
25. CSI- Season 7
26. Desperate Housewives - Season 1
27. Desperate Housewives - Season 2
28. Desperate Housewives-Season 3
29. Desperate Housewives – Season 4
30. Firefly
31. Frasier - Season 1
32. Frasier - Season 2
33. Frasier - Season 3
34. Frasier - Season 5
35. Frasier – Season 6
36. Frasier – Season7
37. Frasier – Season 8
38. Frasier – Season9
39. Frasier – Season 10
40. Frasier – Season 11
41. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 1
42. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 2
43. Grey’s Anatomy- Season 3
44. Grey’s Anatomy – Season 4
45. Highlander- Season 1
46. Highlander- Season 2
47. Highlander- Season 3
48. Highlander- Season 4
49. Highlander - Season 5
50. Highlander the Raven
51. MacGyver – Season 1
52. Miami Vice- Season 1
53. Miami Vice- Season 2
54. Miami Vice – Season 3
55. Miami Vice – Season 4
56. Numbers – Season 1
57. Supernatural- Season 1
58. Supernatural- Season 2
59. Supernatural – Season 3
60. Veronica Mars – Season 1
61. Veronica Mars – Season2
62. Veronica Mars – Season3
63. X-Files Season 1
64. X-Files- Season 2
65. X-Files- Season 3
66. X-Files- Season 4
67. X-Files- Season 5
68. X-Files- Season 6
69. X-Files – Season 7
70. X-Files- Season 8
71. X-Files- Season 9
and movies....
1. 2 Fast 2 Furious
2. 8 Seconds
3. 10 Things I Hate About You
4. A Chorus Line
5. American Sweethearts
6. Antitrust
7. Arachniphobia
8. Armageddon
9. Art of Trials
10. August Rush
11. Australia
12. Bad Boys
13. Bad Boys 2
14. Basic Yoga for Dummies
15. Batman Begins
16. Batman The Dark Knight
17. Batman Forever
18. Benny and Joon
19. The Big Hit
20. Blade
21. Blade 3
22. Bourne Identity
23. Bourne Conspiracy
24. Bourne Supremacy
25. Bowling for Columbine
26. Braveheart
27. Bride Wars
28. Bringing Out the Dead
29. Brothers Grim
30. Bruce Almighty
31. The Bucket List
32. Casablanca
33. Casanova
34. Casino Royale
35. Chocolat
36. Chronicles of Riddick
37. Constantine
38. Cool Hand Luke
39. Crank
40. The Crow
41. The Devil Wears Prada
42. Death Race
43. Die Hard
44. Die Harder
45. Die Hard with a Vengeance
46. Die Hard or Live Free
47. Dirty Dancing
48. Dracula
49. Earthed
50. Eight Legged Freaks
51. Elizabeth
52. Elizabeth The Golden Years
53. Elizabethtown
54. Ever After
55. Evolution
56. Face Off
57. Fast and Furious
58. Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
59. Fifth Element
60. Finding Neverland
61. Flatliners
62. Fried Green Tomatoes
63. From Hell
64. Gladiator
65. The Golden Compass
66. Gone in 60 Seconds
67. Graffiti Bridge
68. Grease
69. The Green Mile
70. Gremlins
71. Hackers
72. Hairspray
73. Hamlet
74. Hancock
75. Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone
76. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
77. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
78. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
79. Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
80. Hitch
81. The Hulk
82. The Imposters
83. The Incredible Hulk
84. Independence Day
85. Indiana Jones
86. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
87. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
88. Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
89. Interview with the Vampire
90. I Robot
91. Italian Job
92. Ironman
93. Jurassic Park
94. Jurassic Park: The Lost World
95. Jurassic Park:3
96. Kingdom of Heaven
97. King Kong
98. A Knights Tale
99. Lake Placid
100. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
101. The Legend of Zorro
102. Lethal Weapon 1
103. Lethal Weapon 2
104. Lethal Weapon 3
105. Lethal Weapon 4
106. Liar Liar
107. Life as a House
108. Lifted
109. Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring
110. Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers
111. Lord of the Rings- Return of the King
112. Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring (extended)
113. Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers (extended)
114. Lord of the Rings- Return of the King (Extended)
115. Lost Boys
116. Luther
117. Mama Mia
118. Matrix
119. Maverick
120. M.I.B.
121. The Mexican
122. Memoirs of a Geisha
123. Miami Vice
124. A Midsummer’s Night Dream
125. Moulin Rouge
126. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
127. The Mummy
128. The Mummy Returns
129. The Musketeer
130. National Treasure
131. National Treasure 2
132. The Nativity Story
133. One Night at McCools
134. Notting Hill
135. Oceans 11
136. Oceans 12
137. Oceans 13
138. Office Space
139. Once Upon a Time in Mexico
140. The Other Boleyn Girl
141. The Passion
142. The Pianist
143. Phantom of the Opera
144. Pitch Black
145. Pilates- Intermediate
146. Pilates for Beginners
147. Pirates of the Caribbean – Curse of the Black Pearl
148. Pirates of the Caribbean- Dead Mans Chest
149. Pirates of the Caribbean – At Worlds End
150. Pride and Prejudice
151. The Punisher
152. The Queen
153. Queen of the Damned
154. Quantum of Solace
155. Ray
156. Rent
157. The Rock
158. Rumour has it
159. Rush Hour
160. The Saint
161. Serenity
162. Shawshank Redemption
163. The Simpsons Movie
164. Singing in the Rain
165. Snake Eyes
166. Someone Like You
167. Speed
168. Spiderman 1
169. Spiderman 2
170. Spiderman 3
171. Spaceballs
172. Stargate
173. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
174. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones
175. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
176. Star Wars- A New Hope (VHS- Original Cut)
177. Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back (VHS- Original Cut)
178. Star Wars- Return of the Jedi (VHS-Original Cut)
179. Star Wars- A New Hope
180. Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back
181. Star Wars- Return of the Jedi
182. Step Up
183. Sweeny Todd
184. Superman Returns
185. Take the Lead
186. Terminator 2: Rise of the Machines
187. The Three Musketeers
188. Three to Tango
189. Transformers
190. The Transporter
191. Transporter 2
192. Twister
193. Uncle Buck
194. Underworld
195. Van Helsing
196. V for Vendetta
197. Waiting
198. Walk the line
199. A Walk in the Clouds
200. Wanted
201. What Women Want
202. White Christmas
203. With Honors
204. X-Men
205. X-Men United
206. X-Men- The Last Stand
207. xXx
yes, I am aware, its alot.
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